Bang Town

If you live in Charlotte, you probably think a good man is hard to find. Although I think a hard man is good to find, I digress.

Guys who have their shit together are few and far between in Charlotte. Those guys who have no drama,  are disease free and childless — know they are in high demand.

Therefore, they are exploring their options. Who can blame them?

But if you don’t want to be someone’s option or a cookie in his package, then follow these steps.

1. Be up front about what you want.

2. Trust what he says about what he wants.

3. Explore your own options. Just because you sleep with a hot guy, it doesn’t mean you want him to be your boyfriend.

4. If you want a serious relationship, say so up front before you get your feelings hurt.

5. Don’t do what you’re not comfortable with. If you don’t want to share, you don’t have to.

Men like variety, as all of my male friends who have cheated or are cheaters keep telling me. Women can experience it too.

This morning, I read an article on Your Tango.com asking if you fart in front of your guy.

Eww!

Some women have the right idea, don’t fart in front of the man. It’s not about being a perfect lady, but farting is nasty and it stinks. We’re not talking about “queefing,” which is hot and possibly why Kanye West is with Amber Rose. But I digress.

Farting in public is nasty, I don’t care how long you two have been a couple. And neither does this lady’s husband.

Take Cynthia, who, even after 18 years of marriage, says that publicly passing gas is a no-go.

“This is a major issue for my husband, who gets very upset if I pass gas in his presence,” she says. “He finds it a vulgar romance killer. If the need arises, I am to leave the room, walk away if outdoors, or get out of bed and leave the bedroom. We were walking home from my birthday dinner and one kind of happened and he barely spoke to me for a day.”

Amen brother! And it goes for men as well, especially after you’ve chowed down on game day food and have stomach full of undigested meat and gas.

If you’re dating a guy who thinks it’s a bonding experience for you two to have farting contests, please check your age and his because that’s more than nasty, that’s juvenile.

Terena and her husband of 12 years have even turned their gas into a bonding experience of sorts. “At first I was shy to fart around him, but as time went on I had to relax or explode,” she says. “We both laughed about it, so gas just turned into an inside joke for us. We now have competitions over farts. Who has the loudest, or longest, or smelliest … we add categories as they come up.”

What are they 12?

A funny thing happened to T this weekend.  He got caught by his young daughter in bed with his girlfriend. Granted, at the time he and his girlfriend were fully clothed and just starting to get into the act, with some kissing and hands in places his daughter shouldn’t have seen.

But he froze after the little girl left the room and thought about what had just happened. He said his girlfriend asked him why didn’t he close the door and asked him did he think his daughter didn’t know he had sex.
T was honest and said, “I don’t like to think about her knowing what sex is right now.”

I love T, I think he’s a great father who has taken on the responsibility of being a single father with full custody; but he’s living in a dream world.
Back in the day before the Internet, parents could play the “we’ll talk about sex when you’re older” game. Nowadays, sex is at the click of a mouse or a remote control. (Have you seen Cinemax after 10 p.m.? I bet your kids have.)

Shouldn’t parents control the message about sex? No way should T had had that conversation in front of his horny girlfriend, but I’m willing to bed that his 10-year-old knew what was about to be going on in that bedroom.

Parents have to stop hiding sex from their kids and open up a dialogue that will teach them the truth about sex. How it is for older (much older than 10) people and the good, bad and ugly about it. Burying your head in the sand is not an option.
All too often parents focus on molestation when they talk to their daughters about sex. They focus on the bad things that can happen and some women grow up totally unaware that their sexuality is theirs and not a boy’s who has to her have right now or his balls will explode or turn blue.
Some girls grow up thinking sex is a game. Remember the story about the girls who were upset because their names didn’t appear on a slut list circulating around their high school?

Kids aren’t getting a good message from their parents about sex and that allows their friends and the media to fill their heads with what they think about sex. I’m willing to bet that it doesn’t jive with what you as a parent think about sex. But if you don’t control the message and talk openly and honestly about sex with your kids, then it’s your own damned fault.

A few brave souls opened up to a man on the street question about getting it on in Charlotte … and when I say a few, I mean two.

I’m not counting the “you offering?” ones.

So, let’s talk about sex, shall we?

A woman at Starbucks laughed then said:

“I haven’t had good sex in three years. I was at a club and met a guy who was a slick talker ,and I decided to take him back to my place for a one-night stand. I hadn’t done that since college, and it was the best sex because we both wanted to get pleased. When it was over, no cuddling and no promises that would later be broken. Just goodbye after six or seven orgasms. It was great. Now that I’m in a relationship with a man who has kids, sex is scheduled and not spontaneous. One orgasm at the most. Hey, you’re not going to use my name in this are you?”

A man in Uptown said:

“Sex is overrated. Sometimes women talk about it and make you think they know magic, but when you get right down to it, you’re doing all the work and she’s laying there moaning.”

“Are you married?”  asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “But I remember what it was like before I got a ring on my finger and getting married was the best thing that happened to my sex life. I get to go out and flirt and then go home to a sure thing on most nights.”

So, what’s the deal with sex in the Q.C.? Are we to afraid to talk about it in detail because we’re not having it or because we keep all the juicy details to ourselves in the south?

Charlotte, believe it or not, is a hot bed for sex. Don’t believe me? Then check out a party at the Estate. Or go to The Men’s Club on Couple’s Night, which is tonight. We’re having sex in this city, but we’re not really talking about it. At least not to the press.

Something in the water doesn’t compute here — my apologies to Prince.

A good friend of mine was in a wedding this past weekend. The bride was a frienemy she’s known since high school. Since they’re not very close, my friend — we’ll call her S– was asked to be a hostess. She agreed for two reasons, she wanted to see who the bride was marrying and she wanted to see the dress. Here’s a little known fact about women, we will pretend to be your friend so that we can talk about you among our “real” friends. Especially on your wedding day.

So, S did her hosting duties and said the wedding wasn’t much to see and the groom looked as if he wanted to be some place else. Since no one really knew this guy, S had a lot of unanswered questions. That’s why she e-mailed the bride and asked how was she enjoying the married life.

The bride, who is on her honeymoon, responded to the e-mail. Red flag number one.Though I’ve never been married, I would hope that your honeymoon is a time to unplug and have as much condom free sex as your body will allow. After all, one of the benefits of being married is the raw skin to skin feel of sex–right?

But I digress.

The email thanked S for her gift and all of the help that she provided during the wedding. Then the bride says, ‘my husband thinks we should hang out more.’

Huge red flag. Why in the hell are talking about your wife’s friends on your honeymoon? Again, non-condom sex should be going on. If your marriage is built to last, you have the rest of your life to get to know your wife’s friends — right? Then again, he could be testing his wife to see if her girlfriends are down for a threesome, which isn’t something that should be discussed on the honeymoon either.

Here’s hoping this marriage lasts and they were just bored after a lot of sex.

Dear Next Boyfriend,

I know this is going to seem unfair.

It’s not even your fault that I’m laying out these ground rules, so I’m going to say I’m sorry in advance. But here’s not what’s going to happen in our relationship.

1. I’m not going to suck your dick … right away. My ex-boyfriend said I was really good at it and you’re going to have to earn that privilege. You can earn it quicker by showing me your oral sex skills often.
2. I am not going to immediately introduce you to my love of anal sex. The ex boyfriend gave me anal orgasms and expecting you to do that immediately is just wrong.
3. If you have an ex wife, keep it moving. I can’t deal with the divorce drama and while I’m at it, your kids might be cute, but that keeps an ex wife or child’s mother connected to you and our relationship. I’m selfish and I need to be No. 1.

I’m down for a good sex story anytime, but with all of the eyes reading Facebook and other social networking sites, is it smart to post about your one-night stand?

Unless you’re a sex worker, I’m willing to bet no.

Sure your love may have put it on you in ways that made you scream in 10 different languages, but all of your friends on Facebook, including your boss, coworker [who may or may not be getting any] need to know this. Especially if you work for the government. That’s why you should pretend you’re writing a book and the story you told on Facebook was just fiction.

Or if you’re trying to live a Sex and The City fantasy, start a blog under a pen name. This could actually turn into something that you can make money from. It worked for a former London call girl who goes by the name of Belle de Jour.

If you’re just writing for yourself and your lover, there is no need to put it online. Take it back to the old school and write about your sexual exploits in a composition book and when he can’t get it up or she has a headache, pull that notebook out and start reading — either to yourself or out loud — to get some satisfaction.

But please, leave it off Facebook, unless you want everyone to know.

A friend of mine told me that she and her man were getting pretty bored with their sex life. She said that it was always the same thing. Kissing, fucking and sleeping.

The spark was gone, she said.

Until he came home with a set of blindfolds.

My friend said she was a little taken aback at first because he’s not the most adventurous guy. Immediately, she thought he’s either gotten into my [why am I always considered to be the bad influence?] porn collection or he’s cheating. But she decided to keep an open mind on whatever he had planned.

She said he told her they were going to play the Trust game. One partner would blindfold the other and the blindfolded one had to do everything the other partner said.

Of course, he wanted to go first and she went along with it. She told me that the though of not knowing what was going to happen turned her on because knowing how their night was going to end wasn’t fun.

With the blindfold securely in place, the first thing he told her to do was open her mouth. She said she half expected him to shove his dick in her mouth since she wasn’t keen on giving head, instead, she tasted something sweet. It was a strawberry.

Next, he told her to lay back. Then she felt something cold glide across her nipples.

For the next few hours, she said they played this game until her desire to have sex with him was so strong that they had a thrilling evening that ended up with both of them enjoying their romp.

Granted, this game isn’t something new, but I think for those two, it will open doors to more pleasurable sex. She told me that he learned somethings that she likes and she learned things that he likes.

And he actually did get her to give him some head. I say everybody won out with this little game.

Here’s a rule to follow, ladies and gentlemen, when the relationship is over, it’s done. It’s a wrap — especially if you’re the one who ended it.

I have two friends who are dealing with their ex wives — women who ended the marriage but now that these men have moved on want them back.

Hello, ladies, you packed his shit and told him to get out. Maybe you should’ve thought about it years ago, you know before the ink dried on the divorce papers. But you didn’t. Now muster up some dignity and leave these men alone.

If you still loved him, you wouldn’t have filed for divorce. You wouldn’t have placed his clothes outside the door and told him that you wanted to be in control of your life, searching for a fairy tale that isn’t going to happen.

Is it that you don’t want to see him happy without you? Would things be better if you’d found that fairy tale? Oh, I get it — he’s supposed to mourn the loss of your marriage forever. Well, darling, that’s not going to happen and you need to learn better coping skills with the decision that you made.

So if you’re a man or a woman having problems dealing with divorce, here’s a web site for you to visit. Please get some help!

Remember in 2007 when a Charlotte Mecklenburg Police officer used her badge to trump up some charges on a woman who was seeing the cop she was involved with?

I wondered what happened to the officer who faked e-mails and then filed a complaint against the woman. I thought about e-mailing her, but decided to try and track down a phone number for the former officer. Unfortunately, I came up short, but this story allows me to send a message to romantic rivals — it is never a good idea to involve the police.

Broken hearts heal, but records are forever.

And when you’re involved in a relationship and you find out that your mate is cheating, direct your anger where it belongs — at your mate. The other person probably doesn’t know you and doesn’t owe you a damned thing.

Don’t resort to violence when expressing your anger, remember you don’t want the police involved — but if they left that special article of clothing at your house, no one said you can’t start a fire with it. [Make sure said fire is in a fireplace or a grill.]

Of course, there are healthy ways to deal with your anger.

And when you find out that your lover is untrue, the smart thing to do is just leave. There’s no need to seek revenge, even if it does make you feel better in the short term.