I’ve yet to wrap my head around the Twilight saga obsession. And after seeing this — I don’t think I ever will.

Twilight as this one hero, Edward Cullen played by actor Robert Pattinson. The little girls love him but guess what. He’s allergic to your puss — vagina.

He said it, I didn’t.

“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

Pattinson covers the 10th anniversary cover of Details magazine. Click here to take a look.

So, if Pattinson is allergic to pussy, does this mean he has a hard on for Jacob, a.k.a Taylor Lautner.

Creative Loafing: So, Merry Stripmas is this Saturday. What does it mean when you say, ‘everybody gets scrooged?’
Big Mamma D: I kind of based a lot of the acts, especially the opening act, on the original movie Scrooged. There is a lot of Victorian dresses and stuff like that. I’ve done some theme work with the movie Scrooged and that was kind of my inspiration for this Merry Stripmas Show. Every year I have a different inspiration for the show.

This show features the return of Lola Midnight, who is she?
Lola Midnight was with us for all of 2008 and her last show was in February 09. She hasn’t done a show with us since then. When she left, people kept asking what happen to (Lola Midnight), because she is just so talented and people wanted to know where she was. When she said that she was interested in coming back for a couple of shows, I was like, yes, yes, yes. She’s a classically trained dancer, so her movements are just special on stage.

Tell us about your other special guests.
White Lightin comes in from Knoxville and they are a wonderful troupe. This time we’re bringing Mizz Kitty back from White Lightin and she’s doing a lot of real neat acts. One is to Elvis’s “Blue Christmas” and one is to “Feliz Navidad.” She is, again, another super talented girl and everybody knows her, so it was exciting to get her back in again.

Who is opening the show this weekend?
You know about Robot Johnson. Well, they are opening the show for us. Robot Johnson is Charlotte’s premiere sketch comedy group. They’ve been doing shows at CAST theater and I wanted to get them in there because they have just signed a 13-episode deal to go on the Speed Network to do a clip show. So this is your chance to see them before they are on TV. Doors open at 8 p.m. and they go on at 9 p.m. So, you get a chance to see 45 minutes of Robot Johnson doing their wonderful sketch comedy. They have prepared some special woman-centric type acts for our show.

Want to go to the Stripmus and see how Big Mamma D and her girls “hang their stockings?”

Then head over to the Visulite this Saturday. Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 the day of the show.

Last year, I went out and brought you a few places to shoot a kick-ass porno in the Queen City. Of course, having sex in public is illegal — so if doing this, you’re doing it at your own risk.

Still, there are a ton of visually appealing places in Charlotte that would serve as a great backdrop for a porn movie (it would be great if your porn had a script and a plot, too).

Here are some more places that would add some bang to your skin flick.

The picnic cover at Latta Park. Here two people can meet and discuss how horny they are and get busy on the tables. Extra points if you can incorporate sex on one of the trash cans.

The lower level parking lot of Eastland Mall is dark, empty and begging to be the setting for a dark S&M porn that involves latex, cat-o-nine tails and thigh-high boots. Group sex is also a must in the movie. Maybe even some girl-on-girl-on-girl action. This is probably the one public place in Charlotte where you can film and not get caught.

Isn’t the purple exterior of this NoDa-based building pretty? Just imagine watching a couple having wild sex on that purple wall. Purple Rain, Purple Pain?

So, your relationship has changed and not for the better.

Sorry, Charlie, you’re about to get dumped.

If you take heed to the warning signs, especially these offered by the good people at Your Tango, you can make the most of the end of your relationship.

Since you and your mate are about to break up, why not talk your other half into doing that sex thing you’ve always been afraid to ask him or her to do. This might even save your relationship, because one of the signs of the end of your relationship is:

Breakup Warning Sign #4: The level of physical intimacy has dropped to an all-time low

When your partner takes “physical distancing” to the next level, you will notice that the loving physical contact (cuddling, massages, foreplay, etc.) has almost disappeared completely. I firmly believe that the level of intimacy in your relationship says a lot about the strength of your romantic connection. Loving physical contact is one of the most powerful ways of connecting with someone and when it starts to vanish from a relationship, it acts like a crack in the ceiling that allows the rain to start coming through.

I’d also like to point out that it’s quite normal for your bedroom routine to vary over time due to numerous factors, but if you find that your man has stopped making advances altogether, this is usually a sign that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. It’s even worse when he resists of all of your advances, as well.

Shying away from physical contact is a tactic frequently used by women to maintain a level of power in the relationship. But when men do this, it’s usually because they are losing interest or have someone else on the side.

But when you notice the signs of a break up, is it best to heed them and end the relationship or do you fight for your love?

I say, cut your losses and move on. Bonnie Raitt said it best, I can’t make you love me.

I, like most women, love vibrators.

I, like most women, don’t really think about when these glorious items were invented or why.

But I am somewhat of a nerd, and I like to know how and why things work. Thank you playwright Sarah Ruhl.

She wrote In The Next Room, or the vibrator play” and it’s on stage in New York right now. The Broadway drama, which I have not seen but read about in Friday’s New York Times, is about how women discovered the pleasure of stimulation down there.

Set in the 1880s, just after the advent of electricity, “In the Next Room” takes place in the adjoining parlor and consulting room of an upstanding physician, Dr. Givings (Michael Cerveris), who specializes in treating “hysteria” in women. A new patient, Mrs. Daldry (Maria Dizzia), exhibits all the disturbing symptoms of the condition. Sensitive to light and sound, and prone to headaches and weeping, she is ushered into Dr. Givings’s parlor by a concerned husband (Thomas Jay Ryan) who is relieved to hear a brisk diagnosis and assurances that after a few sessions of therapy his wife will be restored to full health.

I’d love to see this play — and since Charlotte art folks are always bringing Broadway to the Queen City, I wonder when we can see this on stage at the Blumenthal?

Probably never.

Actually, there’s not a chance in hell that we’ll see this in Charlotte. Remember 1996?

But I’m sure it’s interesting to see, even it the New York Daily News says it’s a buzz kill.

Ever wanted to star in your own romance novel?

Probably not because this is the sex tape generation.

Still, if you’re one of those old school people who reads to your lover in bed, then Your Tango has the perfect gift suggestion.

The personalized romance novel trend is gaining ground, and if you’re looking for an unconventional (and financially feasible) stocking stuffer, this might the perfect treat.

The personalized romance novel is something Carrie Prejean should’ve tried instead of making her solo sex tape(s).

Maybe if Pam and Tommy Lee had — nevermind, you have to be able to read in order for this to work.

But what happens if your book falls into the hands of your reading friends? Do you even put this book on the shelf or do you leave it on the bed side?

And what happens when your relationship ends? Do you toss out the close to $50 book, bash your former lover over the head with it or read it and weep? I have a writer friend who said any time she tried to incorporate her current lover into her writing, the relationship ends and then editing a book about the person she used to love and fuck is hard.

But one good thing about a personalized romance novel is that if it ends up in the average person’s hands, your secret and passionate love life will be safe from prying eyes.

Babeland wants to you to get more from your orgasm. I love it already.

In the new book Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex, you are sure to learn how to get more out of coming … with or without a partner. And that is a good thing.

The book will be released on Jan. 5 and it is a lot different from other sex guide books.

How?

Well, it gives details on you can enjoy all aspects of sex from masturbation to anal sex. And it’s not a boring how-to guide; authors Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning, the ladies who started Babeland, use humor and everyday questions to get their points across. And these women know what they are talking about. My favorite lesson learned in the book was about preparing yourself for anal sex. (If you’ve been reading this blog for more than a week, you know how we at The Bangtown feel about anal sex!)

If pondering anal sex with a partner, consider trying it alone first. You can address your fears, find your boundaries, get comfortable with the sensations.

I’ve never read about anal masturbation before and the tips that follow make the book worth the cover price.

No matter what kind of sex you want to have, this book has you covered. With the tips listed in this book, you are sure to blow your mind — either alone with your magic wand or your mate.

Have you ever heard of the term “sports widow?”

Maybe you’re one of them. On Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays your man or woman is more worried about first downs and touchdowns than getting down.

Some people say, join in the fun and watch the game with him or her. But if you’re not a fan of football or your mate is a Carolina Panthers’ fan you probably end your weekend very disappointed and possibly horny.

You have to bring the sexy back, emphasis on the SEX. If your mate doesn’t watch football with a lot of friends, then you should cuddle up next to your fan in one of his jerseys, a garter belt and black stockings. Points for back seams and heels.

While the game is going on, don’t mess with him if he’s a serious fan. But during the commercials slip your hand around his cock and stroke him until he’s ready for more.

If his team is losing, you might get some during and after the commercial.

But halftime is your time to shine. It will be a quickie — halftime is about 15 minutes.

You don’t have to be a sports widow. You can be a sports seductress.

Do not do any of the above during the playoffs, the Super Bowl or any college bowl games.

No one stays faithful any more and everyone is upset about it, especially if you read the press. (Myself excluded, thank you very much.)

So when I saw this article on CNN’s website about monogamy, I realized that I don’t believe in monogamy either.

It’s not natural. And now I have written back up.

French author Jacques Attali in recent years wrote, “Monogamy, which is really no more than a useful social convention, will not survive. It has rarely been honored in practice; soon, it will vanish even as an ideal.”

Americans get so mad and upset when a “star” cheats. But we’re the same sappy public that urges our friends and neighbors to stay with their lying ass husband, for the sake of the kids or whatever reason people give. (Sally says leave or stay, just don’t whine about it and become a victim.)

No.

If he can’t be monogamous, then why should you be? If you really want to be with him or her then why not do this:

Polyamory — the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved — has been getting a lot of attention.

“We found the expectation that one person should be our everything seemed unrealistic given our day and age. … It’s oddly pressuring to set up that scenario,” said Mark, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, and is in a polyamorous relationship. (He asked that his last name not be used for privacy reasons.)

Mark, 42, has been married for five years. He and his wife tried different things to spice up their marriage, including swinging, or having casual sex with other people, he said. But they found the experience unfulfilling and decided what they really wanted was to be able to fall in love with others while staying together.

Mark dates another woman, and his wife, who declined to be interviewed for this article, is dating another man. The four of them frequently get together to have dinner or watch movies.

Tomorrow night it’s going to be an Animal House at The Visulite — when Big Mamma D brings back her award-winning House of Burlesque. This edition carries a toga-party-oriented theme (ala the Animal House reference). We caught up with the woman behind the tease and got the lowdown about her upcoming event.

Creative Loafing: How did you come up with the idea for a toga party?
Big Mamma D: Ideas kind of just come to me. I got a phone call in August from a lady who was a professor at UNC and she’s doing a whole series on the history of human sexuality. She wanted me to come and teach for a day in my full get up, the whole deal. Burlesque lady walking around campus and teaching classes and I couldn’t pass it up. While I was getting my material together, it just hit me. We had originally planned another theme for this show and since I hadn’t launched it, I said “scrap that, we’re doing a toga party.” It’s anything you can imagine. I even have a leopard print ladies suite ala Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate.

Why do you think burlesque and your shows stay so popular?
We are the thinking-person’s porn, and I hate to call it porn. But we’re the thinking-person’s fun and frivolity. We may not be popular with the 22-year-olds who like to go to BarCharlotte. But the 40-year-olds who leave the kids at home and go out with their wives to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays and all that stuff, those are the people who are the long term. You get a lot of tease, you get a brief flash of pasty. We have a lot of fun, and we always poke fun at ourselves. There’s a story behind every act, something that makes you think. You’re not watching a girl walk out and drop her clothes. That’s why the music is fun. We do a Venus act, you know with the Bananarama song “Venus”? Halfway through the act, she takes her leg and props it up on a chair and pulls out this big blue Venus razor and pretends to shave her leg. It’s a joke and a play on pop culture because everybody has seen that stupid commercial.

Have you always had more women at your shows than men? (Note to guys looking to meet a woman who isn’t your run of the mill type of person — go to Big Mamma D’s show)
It has. I was really shocked because I thought it was going to be a lot of guys and we’d get the really neat alternative followers, the more trendy people, the Plaza-Midwood, the NoDa, and it ended up being a really good mix. You can come to show and no one has to wait outside for the door to open any more. Girls and guys can come to show dressed up in different outfits. Girls come to show wearing that one corset that she splurged on that she can’t wear anywhere else and here she comes to my club with a $300 corset on.

Because you have women of all shapes and sizes in your show, is that why so many women are drawn to the show?
I think so. I think everybody can identify with the average girl. As soon as she walks up in an evening gown covered in rhinestones, and she’s just sparkling because she feels so great about herself, you love it. Everybody loves a confident woman. In April, I was a size 24 and after three years [the audience] still loves me for it. I walk out and I know who I am. People appreciate confidence and the beauty of every kind of woman, it doesn’t matter what size you are.

So, do you want to see the Animal House of Burlesque, along with a wet toga contest at “halftime?” The head to the Visulite, Saturday night at 8 p.m. Advanced tickets for the show are $12. Tickets at the door are $15. Log on to www.bigmammasproductions.com for more information.