Bang Town

First let me say, I never thought I could have too much of a good thing. And trust me when I say boy toy is a good–great–thing.

But a rainy Memorial Day reminded me that it really is OK to take a break. It’s a shame that I didn’t figure that out until Tuesday. Yes, today.

So, how do you get your lady parts to stop from throbbing? Unlike drinking, having more sex isn’t the answer.

Boy toy took a look down there last night and was surprised at how swollen it was. His bright idea?

“Put some ice on it.”

Not a good idea. But for some reason, I said sure. What I didn’t realize was that he planned to use his lips and tongue to apply the ice.

When he was done and I’d told him I was seriously hurting, we got on the Internet to see if there was something I could do (because he’s banned from touching me) to make my lovely lady lumps feel better.

The Frisky says:

1. Back(teria) Off: When your skin is feelin’ thin, you are more susceptible to bacteria. So, avoid further complications by…

* Only wear soft cotton undies. Anything else will get all up in your girl grill and start trouble.
* Don’t cross your legs. In fact, sit with your thighs slightly apart. And don’t wear a mini skirt!
* Don’t wear pants, even pantyhose.

2. It’s A Relief: To soothe your pain, you can put on some Vaseline, pure 100% Aloe Vera gel or even some lube after the fact on the red ladybits. Just don’t go shoving it up where the sun don’t shine.

Of course he wanted to help again, and said seriously, he wasn’t going to try anything. Whatever. The Vaseline actually worked. But I think the best thing to do after damaging your lady parts is rest, alone, with no panties on.

Remember the days of those middle school dances … boys on one side of the room, the girls on the other?

Your favorite jam comes on … you sway, maybe even two step a lil’ bit … hoping and praying and wishing upon every star there is that one of them mofos on the other side of the room will step to you?

Both sides of the room start staring each other down, then bashfully looking away, then taking a chance to take a sneak peek to see if they might be looking?

Well, the social scene in the Queen City as a grown-ass adult … is no different.

For the life of me I cannot understand why its so hard to mingle with folks at social events. I thought maybe it’s a fluke, but after hitting up a few parties over the weekend — hell for the past couple of years — same ole ish, different day/party

Some say it’s because of the cliques that have formed, others say its because, simply put, it is what it is.

So I just had to put together a list of helpful hints so that mixing and mingling is a lil’ less Queen City Middle School-esque:

1. Fellas: If a female walks up to you and says hello … there’s absolutely no need for you to start displaying bitchassness qualities by freaking out like she’s trying to propose. All the mofo said was “HELLO” … a simple “HELLO” in response is all we are asking for.

2. Ladies: If a man buys you a drink, it don’t mean you have to give up the drawz. Take the drink and keep it moving. And men, if we accept the drink, that DOES NOT mean we are now damn-near engaged and you are going to the crib for the night. It is what it is. You bought the drink. Thanks.

3. Staring is just rude. At least do the 3 second rule: Look, hold three seconds, then turn ya damn head. Or put on your big boy boxers or your big girl thongs and open your mouth and speak.

4. I get that you came to the party/event with your crew, but cliques are soooooo 90s. Break out of the group and mingle! Networking is so 2009!

5. And lastly, if you finally make that move to mingle and you are met with a blank stare and a rapid succession of blinks (as I’m known to give folks), don’t give up. Just say nice meeting you and take your ass on to the next person…

Lesson Learned: Fam, we are grown. Time to ditch the security blanket called your clique once we enter a social event. Hell, you never know who you might meet.

If you’re over 18 and been with a guy in the 21st century, you’ve probably had these words uttered to you, “Want to make a video?”

Or maybe you’re the camera ham and you asked your lover if he wanted to capture the act on tape. It’s all well and good while you two are still together, but what happens when the love/lust is gone?

Unless you’re someone like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashain, a leaked sex tape won’t sky rocket you into a celebrity. You may end up a laughing stock in your home town, called all kinds of names and even worse, you might find yourself on the homemade video section of Pornhub.

Think about it, not many people want the world to see them when they’re having sex, especially if they aren’t getting paid for it. And if you check out the comments under some of the homemade videos on porn sites, it’s enough to make you feel sorry for the “actors.”

So, if you’re going to make a video with your current mate, set some ground rules (and yes, this may take some fun and spontenaity out of the process, but 10 years from now you’ll be glad):

1. Take ownership of the video
2. Don’t allow the video to be copied
3. If the relationship ends, destroy the video
4. Don’t show the video to anyone, not even your best friend
5. Don’t keep the video and try to use it against your co-star in the future
6. By no means do you upload the video to any Internet sight.

Here’s an e-mail we received about the event:

Fanatique de Glam and Feline Entertainment are proud to announce Burlesk! Calendar Girls on May 8th at Artistika Nightclub on S. Elm St downtown Greensboro. This Friday night spectacular is sure to have everything that you could want in an evening of entertainment. With live music, sideshow acts, and teasefully tantilizing talent you cannot find more bang for the $15 cost of admission.

Burlesk! Calendar Girls will be starring well-known local personalities Tiger RoxXx and Selia d’Katzmeow Carmichael, and The musical vocals of Desire Valentine. The exquisite talents of Kara*, Meka le Creme, Moniqui Tiki, Big Mamma D, and more will walk you through the pages of the calendar like you have never done before!!! This showcase of Calendar Girls is one you will not soon forget!

Feline Entertainment & Fanatique de Glam are collaborative efforts of seasoned Burlesque Artists, Tiger RoxXx and Selia d’Katzmeow Carmichael. Together, they have produced such successful shows as Cirque du Enchanteur, performed in the 2008 Fringe Festival, and presented the sell-out production of BURLESK! for the 2009 Greensboro Fringe Festival, as well as numerous other burlesque shows, masquerades, other special events.

For tickets please visit www.meowbabe.com. There you will find merchandise, bio’s, and much more!

You can use your sexuality to save the forest.

Don’t believe me?

Log on to Fuckforforest.com.

According to the web site:

Fuckforforest is a non-profit eco porn organization. FFF is created by people who want to have a exciting experience and a good feeling for protecting nature, having real fun with sex and nudity, not faked, not staged, but impulsive and living. With the help from sexually free people and by showing the beauty of natural love, nudity and sex we wish to direct attention to and collect money for the Earth’s threatened nature. Saving the planet IS sexy!

This has to be the most interesting eco-group out there. And the organizers know it.

The sex part is there to get your attention and because we find it naturally exciting. Why make it boring when we can enjoy? Saving nature can be quite exciting. It makes it easier for you and me to stay positive in an already too suppressed world. Change reality, with love and sexuality!

Last night was a total bitch session with three of my girlfriends and I realized that women are crazy.

Men, I understand up and your frustration a bit better now.

Last night’s topic was who should say I love you first.

Maybe the person who feels it first?

Not according to my friends, one who hasn’t had a relationship since Bush’s first term, one who has a relationship with a married man and one who has a string of random booty calls.

Friend 1: “Of course he should say it first. If he says it after you then he doesn’t mean it.”

Unfortunately, she has back up in the woman-steam media.

Friend 2: “You should only say I love you after he has paid an expensive bill or given you a Tiffany bracelet. It’s like saying thank you.”

Friend 3: “I love you only works when you are in bed.”

Maybe I need new friends.

Summer isn’t even here yet and it’s boiling outside. If you’re anything like me, you’re trying to conserve energy costs and you haven’t turned on your AC.

Neither has my neighbor. He keeps his windows open at night. And last night I wish he’d closed them.

Around 3 a.m. a chorus of “oh fuck me harder, harder,” woke me up. I had my windows opened, too. At first, I thought he was watching a porno with the volume up really loud until I heard his voice.

While I will admit that, normally, I don’t listen to other people’s screams of passion, I was curious. So, I tipped out of my bed and went outside to check out what was going on. Thank goodness for darkness and a broken light in the parking lot of the complex.

When I got a good look at what was going on upstairs, I understood why I could hear everything so well. My neighbor had his partner pressed against the screen in a position that I’ve never seen before. She had one leg on his shoulder, the other wrapped around his waist while he was on his knees holding on to the window sill. Her face was against the screen, turned sideways.

I can only imagine the imprint that was left on her face when it was all over. It’s amazing that the damned screen didn’t fall out. After about five minutes of watching them, I felt bad about watching them. At least for free anyway. Here’s hoping he’ll start to use the AC and close the window soon.

Furverts is a totally hilarious picture book showing people dressed in costumes in various sex positions. The kicker is, the animals would be enemies in real life. Like the dog hitting the cat from the back.

Michael Cogliantry, the photographer behind the book, originally came up with this project to provide a commentary on that anonymity of online communities, according to the publisher.

Cogliantry used the costumed subculture of Furries–people who role play in furry animal costumes–to illustrate poses from the Kama Sutra with hilariously thought-provoking results.

Furries aren’t just about sex, according to many online articles. They’re kind of nerdy, into science fiction and writing fan fiction.

According to an article from the Pittsburgh City Paper in 2006:

“despite their wild image from Vanity Fair, MTV and CSI, furry conventions aren’t about kinky sex between weirdos gussied up in foxy costumes”, that conference attendees were “not having sex more than the rest of us”

Furverts, however, isn’t about changing stereotypes or setting the record straight about the lifestyle. It’s a laugh–for those who get the humor. There’s one picture of an elephant fucking a donkey. That’s got to make you laugh.

With it being Earth Day and everyone is talking about saving the world. I had to wonder, would you use a recycled condom?

So, I did an Internet search to see if such a thing existed.

Luckily they don’t. Condoms aren’t recyclable, but you can stand up for the Earth when you’re spent. Don’t flush your condom.

Instead, wrap it in a paper towel and toss it in the trash.

If you’re anything like the rest of Charlotte, you’re trying to make ends meet.

Why not use sex to make extra money? Now, before you think I’m saying sell yourself, keep reading.

There are a lot of lonely people who call phone sex lines. If you’re a night owl, you’ve probably seen the commercials. And if you like off-beat movies, you’ve probably watched Girl 6.

So why not put your pipes to use?

If you want to be a phone sex operator, or a “telephone actress,” find a company that’s hiring and follow these tips from ehow.com:

1 Discover the benefits. Working as a home based phone sex operator and/or chat actress does have its advantages.

For instance, upon researching many of these companies that hire phone sex operators (PSO is the abbreviation they use), I found that operators typically earn anywhere from $9 to $20 or more per hour.

Other advantages include: No experience required, flexible schedules around-the-clock, regular pay and safely anonymous to callers.

Step 2

Qualify. Most of these companies have the same requirements, such as; must be at least 18 years old, have a quite work place, have a land-line with a corded phone, and be willing to openly discuss a wide variety of topics and fantasies that are sexually explicit in nature.

Step 3

There are many adult telephone entertainment companies looking to hire. Go to the “Resources” section of this article below and browse through the list of company web sites that are hiring home based phone sex operators.

Step 4

Find More Jobs To find more companies that are hiring, search your favorite search engine, such as, Google. Use keywords like: phone actress, phone actor, chat actress, phone sex operator, adult operator, adult entertainment operator, adult phone jobs, etc…, you get the idea.

Step 5

Apply to companies that you are interested in, but BE SURE to read each company’s rules, pay rates, schedules, equipment requirements, etc…

Step 6

Talk, act and get paid! Good luck!