Bang Town

The cyber beef between The Frisky and Cosmo is funny and oh so wrong.

Take the Frisky slap at Cosmo about celebrated sex positions that men hate. I know for a fact that I was introduced to one of these positions by a man, so I doubt that he was considered when they wrote this article.

But it goes a little something like this:

With that being said, here’s a look at some common sex positions that men don’t necessarily appreciate in the way that sex columnists tend to indicate that we do.

1. Reverse cowgirl. This particular position is endorsed ad infinitum in issues of magazines like Cosmopolitan dating back to roughly the 1400s, before sex even existed. The woman is on top and is facing away from the man. Magazines are quick to point out that this gives the guy a view of your ass.

The thing is, though, most men would rather be looking at the front of you, and this particular position greatly improves the chances of women suddenly sitting on our penises. This position is like walking a sexual tightrope. Don’t be surprised if you look back and see us praying.

2. Standing against a wall. It’s basically doggy style, only you’re both standing. This creates considerable embarrassment for the man if he’s not very tall, or even if he’s about the same height as the woman. There’s also not a lot of thrusting room. We’ll be pining for an actual bed in no time. Besides, if you’re over at our place, we really don’t want you to see how completely filthy the walls are—not filthy in a sexy way, filthy more in an “Oh God, I hope I don’t contract lockjaw” way.

3. Knees over the head. Another big Cosmo suggestion, for flexible women, is the knees-over-the-head position. Basically, the woman is in an extended crunch while the man tries to hold his balance and smells the woman’s feet. Needless to say, it’s not a great position after a long night of dancing, drinking, or both. Despite what the magazines say, the “enhanced pressure” doesn’t make any difference to dudes. It’s basically missionary position with gymnastics. Not so much sexy as confusing.

4. Sex on furniture. Generally speaking, any sexual position that incorporates furniture other than a bed can become a problem easily. Heavyset guys will traumatically remember scenes of Chris Farley bursting through a table on “Saturday Night Live,” and the thinner guys will worry about splinters or accidentally tipping over, no matter who’s on top or in front or leaning back or whatever. Furniture just seems to get in the way for guys. Though we won’t refuse sex when you’re standing on a chair or balancing on a glass table, we’ll be anxious the whole time, both about breaking you, breaking ourselves and breaking that damn IKEA furniture that we just assembled last week.

Drinking too much beer leads to two things (at times) sex with ugly people and unprotected sex.

While no one can stop the beer from making that blob of person on your left look like the man or woman of your dreams, Horny Goat Brewing wants to keep you protected.

With a name like Horny Goat, how can they not provide drinkers with free condoms?

Log on to the company’s website, Hornygoatbrewing.com and click on get horny after verifying that you are 21. You then sign up for the company’s news letter or condoms.

Not ready to take that pole dancing class to add some spice to your life or to get a unique workout?

Then you should try belly dancing. But if you’re not sure that you’ll keep up with it, then check it out for free.

Lotus Dance Studio offers a free intro to bellydancing class at several locations.

South Charlotte
September 22, 2009
7:30pm-8:30pm
Ballantyne Hotel and Lodge (Ballantyne Resort) – 10000 Ballantyne Commons Pkwy.

North Charlotte
September 21, 2009
7pm – 8pm
Dance Fever Charlotte – 5818 Prosperity Church Road

September 23, 2009
7pm – 8pm
Dance Productions – 5945-C Orr Road, Charlotte

Make sure to RSVP at 704-249-4379 to reserve your spot. If you sign up for classes you’ll receive a discount.

In case you didn’t know,  May is the month for celebrating solo love. That’s right, masturbation has its own month.

Read all about it here –Masturbation month.

There is less than a week left in May and you should celebrate the month with a great few days of self love.

Use these tools and you may never want a partner again.

1. The Hitachi Magic Wand. For a woman, this is the ultimate vibrator. Not only will you get off, you will more than likely need to change your sheets.
2. The Oralizer. Who says you need someone to give you a blow job? With this toy and a lot of lube, you can have the BJ of your life without having to talk about  life and love afterwards.
3. Alexis Amore’s Vibrating pussy and ass. Forget your partner as you fuck a porn star.
4. The Art Deco Ac/Dc double dong. Have the threesome you’ve always dreamed about all by yourself.

Masturbation month should give you something other than an orgasm, it should give you  a sense of yourself. So when you hook up with your partner again, you will know what to tell him or her to get you off.

So I’ve been hipped to a new trend. Forget the clit piercing, the navel ring and the lip ring. According to the Frisky, bling is going where it hasn’t gone before.

Up your ass.

For those who can never have enough skin to pierce and orifices to adorn, anal jewelry is the latest addition in a string of “daring accessories you can wear.” Designed for “versatility,” each piece consists of a stainless plug with an interchangeable cap in an assortment of styles and colors. If you’re feeling really frisky, you can even get the ever-popular “horse tail” which fits the plug as well.

I’m one for trying new things, I can admit that I have a slight obsession with anal sex, but this might even be too much for me.

Here’s a sampling of the sex headlines floating around the Internet today.

1. Canadian sex tourist jailed in Arizona.
2. Man sentenced to 24 years for running sex ring.
3. Ex cop claims oral sex with coke head girlfriend caused his positive drug test.
4. Blow job by porn star=revocation of pilot’s license.
5. Porno teacher get a public defender.

Some times you need a little help when it comes to getting a good screw.

That’s why you should read Good Sex: Star Signs, by Michele Knight.

The book describes the traits that the zodiac signs have and what you can expect from the man and woman of a particular sign.

Here’s what I’ve learned from the book about a particular guy. He’s a Cancer:

You are sensitive and sweet, and you respect women. You hate loud arguments and will do anything to keep the peace. You need to discuss your emotions more than most or you can get resentful. You are the ideal parent and love kids. You’re a sensitive lover and will put your partner’s needs before your own.

That last sentence made me happy. But is he the right fit for me? The book also has sex tips for each zodiac and the pros and cons of being with each zodiac sign.

If you’re looking for a quick fun read, check out Good Sex: Star Signs. Like most astrology books, some of it is bullshit and very vague, but you can find some morsel of truth and something to try if you give it a glance.

If you’re one of those people who believe horoscopes, and you think reading a book like this will bring you closer to Mr. or Mrs. Right, step away from the computer and seek help.

Unless you have some deep-seated issues about your self-worth and body image, most of us can tell the truth about how we look.

Me, for instance, I’m extremely good looking. (Hey, that’s what my mother tells me!)

But there ought to be a law about pictures people post online, especially dating sites.

Ten years ago, you may have been the cat’s meow, but 100 pounds later, it’s safe to say you probably ate the cat.

Now, if you’re online just to have fun and you never plan to meet anyone from Adult Friend Finder, post what you like. But I demand truth in advertising if I’m going to buy new lingerie in the hopes of fucking the Adonis that I’ve been chatting with for three weeks.

I can meet ugly people for free.

It’s not the WWE, it’s not even what Ric Flair used to do.

It’s wrestling with Ebony Mistress Dominiquie.

“It’s sensual fantasy wrestling,” she said. “I’m in charge. The submissive is giving me some resistance, but not much.”

When the mistress is wrestling with her submissive, she always wins. But Dominiquie said there are matches where two mistresses wrestle each other to entertain men. The women are usually dressed in “booty shorts” and tank tops.

“It’s basically girl-on-girl,” she said. “I wrestled in a competition in Thomasville. The girls do more competitive fantasy wrestling. There’s not a lot of hair pulling, it’s more like getting in different positions. I am scissor holding the girl or she has her buttocks in my face. She has my face pinned between her knees or in her crotch. She maybe lying across me with her breasts in my face. It’s very interesting. It’s fun.”

What’s also interesting is how Dominiquie actually got into fantasy wrestling. It started out as something she and her ex husband did for fun — naked. It ignited the sex life so much that the practice moved from being a special occasion event to “we rushed home and couldn’t wait to rip each other’s clothes off,” she said.

And her husband told a friend about it. He and his wife were curious and they came over to watch. The other couple got excited watching Dominiquie and her husband and wanted to join in.

Then they started having small parties. But a friend told Dominiquie that she could actually make money doing this. So, for about $150, you can fantasy wrestle with Dominiquie. And it’s just wrestling.

She only makes appointments for the daytime.

And there’s proof that she’s not selling anything other than a leg hold. One of her clients, she said was a police officer.

“He came about three times before he said, ‘You’re really serious about what you do.’ I was like yeah. Then he asked me if I knew what he did and I said, no and I don’t care.”

When he told her that he was a police officer and he initially thought there was more going on there, she just laughed.

Dominiquie said she was surprised that a buttoned up “Bible Belt” town like Charlotte has a market for fantasy wrestling. But she admits, “you make some money, but not a lot.”

Last night, my friend P and I decided that network TV was boring and since she’d never been to Carolina Video Source, we took a trip there.

The adult store, located on Harris Boulevard, is totally old school. Before you can enter the store, you have to show I.D., you know you’re supposed to be 18 to get into these places.

I’ve been there once before, during the middle of the day and it was interesting to see the place at night. For one, there were a few more customers on the inside. The clerk had some smooth music going as she set up a Mardi Gras display. As soon as you walk in, the clerk tells you all of the specials.

Last night it was “buy two DVDs and get one free.” P and I walked around for about an hour, starting in the lingerie section first. The selection was interesting. P bought a leather teddy that was on sale and a “Wonder Chic” costume, complete with gold sock boots, a lasso of truth and a headband. Since this costume is obviously not licensed by DC comics, it didn’t look like “Wonder Woman’s” famous body suit.

Next it was over to the toys. You basically found the same things you’d find in any of these shops, along with a sign that says, “If you open it, you buy it.” But the clerk at the shop was more than helpful. When you took an item to the register to ask about it, which P and I did with a couple of strangely shaped dildos, she was more than happy to open the packages and give a demonstration of how it worked.

Then there were the videos. From classics like, “The Devil In Miss Jones,” to the just raunchy, “Big Black Cock in Little China.” There were also a few instructional videos there. Including Nina Hartley’s line. The one title that stood out to me was, “How to Dominate a Man.” I bought it. Now if I could only find a man to submit. (LOL)

They don’t rent videos, and I’m still searching for a place that does. Last night, I did learn that Girls Gone Wild DVDs are available on Blu-Ray.

I was curious about the customers who come into the store, so I asked the clerk. What time of day is busiest here?

Her response was lunch time. (Kind of surprising) Mostly men, she said.

“That’s the time they can get away and the wife isn’t home.”

Women, she said, linger longer in the store. Mostly focusing on the toys. “Some times, the shop can be a candy store for women as well.”

I know that’s the truth.

Carolina Video Source has a wide range of lubricants and they’re mostly water based, which is what you need when using latex condoms. And while it’s pretty common to find K-Y Jelly in Wal-Mart these days, there will never be a day when you walk in that store and find Good Head gel.