Chris Rock: Highlights from last night’s show
July 3rd, 2008 by Eric Snider in See & Do, Urban Explorations
It’s my considered opinion that Chris Rock is a funny motherfucker. Last night at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center he was definitely a funny motherfucker. OK, there’s my review of the show.
What follows is a few of his bits, so consider this a spoiler alert if you’re going to his show tonight.
Very early in the set:
• I wanna do a good show tonight, ’cause I don’t want the authorities to come and take my children — like they did to Britney Spears. They took her kids! I’m looking at Britney Spears’ kids — they ain’t got no knots upside their heads, they don’t look hungry. It made me realize: They take white kids quick. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, they got their kids. They even let O.J. Simpson keep his kids. And he killed the mother. O.J.’s got a lotta balls; I saw him say ‘Y’know it’s hard being a single dad.’ … But you killed the mother. He said it like they just broke up, like she won’t return his calls.
On Barack Obama:
• We ain’t never seen a black man this cool — and legal. Muthafucka won Iowa. That’s when we knew it was over for Hilary. If you can’t beat a nigga named Obama in Iowa, then you don’t deserve to be President. There ain’t but four black people in Iowa. They only sold six copies of Thriller in Iowa, and they brought three back.
• He had to get rid of his Reverend! Reverend White is a 75-year-old black man who don’t like white people. Is there another kind of 75-year-old black man? You know the hell he’s seen, the shit this motherfucker been through? His whole third grade class was lynched. He lucked out ’cause the rope broke. And you wonder why he don’t sing “Kumbaya.”
On John McCain being too old to be President:
John McCain is too fuckin’ old. He used to own Sidney Poitier.
Too old.
We don’t need a President with a bucket list.
He’s seventy-two fuckin’ years old.
He’s so old if he won it would kill him.
Who’s gonna be the Vice President? A nurse?
Too old.
How many 72-year-old people did you see just doin’ shit today?
Too. Fucking. Old.
How you gonna make decisions about the future when you ain’t gonna be here?
On Hillary Clinton:
• Other countries have had women leaders for centuries. But in America we’re so backward. “What if she’s on her period?” Well, then the vice president takes over. At least for the first four days. You can’t have her making decisions on a heavy flow. We’d be at war every month. Be bombin’ states. “We just attacked North Carolina. Must be on her period again.”
• Let me get this straight: She was gonna work in an office that her husband got blowjobs in? There ain’t enough redecoratin’ in the world.
On voting:
The government tells you they want you to vote. The government does not want you to vote — ’cause if they did they would not have elections on a Tuesday. Have you ever had a party on a Tuesday? No, ’cause you want people to come to your party. I’ve never been laid on a Tuesday. It’s partyless, sexless day. I’m gonna open up a restaurant and call it Thank God It’s Not Tuesday.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Love Chris Rock. Love. Him. But I can’t afford to see his show, so I’ll just have to wait for the next HBO special…
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Dear American Voters, reporters, media. professionals, political parties, and our hon. Presidential Nominees,
Subject: Presidential Temperament
Please talk about and “Compare And Contrast” the ” Presidential Temperament” of our Presidential presumptive nominees. I will also request and plead to the nominees themselves [ Hon. Senator McCain and Obama ].
Our nation has been applying this yard and stick tor the appointments and confirmation process of our Supreme Court Justices nominees.
Our Greatgrand Nation Foundations are as under:
Family, friends, fellows, faith, funds, fun, with fairness & freedom And without fear, favor, and failure.
It will be disgrace and shameful if the nominees and media will not look into this critical and crucial aspect under current challenging times and circumstances within our country and all around the Globe.
America wake up and the discuss the ” Presidential Temperament” of our presumptive presidential nominee’s [ Hon. Senator McCain and Obama].
Yours sincerely,
COL. A.M.Khajawall [Ret].
Disabled American Veteran
Forensic psychiatrist, Las Vegas, Nevada
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
wackadoo alert.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Khajawall,
Really? 11 F-words in one sentence and not one of them was “fuck”? You are obviously new to this blog.
I am not sure, Col., how we evaluate the “Presidential Temperament” of the candidates. And, even if I could figure it out, what good would it do? Nixon was an incredible fucking tyrant, Jimmy Carter was a pleasant peanut farmer from Georgia. Neither one exactly set the world on fire during their terms in office.
BTW: I meant “set the world on fire” in a good, non-Bush referencing kind of way.
What do you suggest, Col., that we media types do to better evaluate the “presidential temperament” of the candidates? Short of rectal thermometers, of course.
Sincerely,
Joe Bardi