Blurbex

Dear Green Bay Packers,

After a long, illustrious career with one of the most storied franchises in NFL history, I’ve decided that now is the time to hang up the cleats.

I’m 38 years old, a three-time MVP winner, and the career league leader in yards passing, touchdowns and victories, including a triumph over the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXI. There’s really nothing left for me to accomplish, and so, (chin is trembling) on the heels of a successful 2007 campaign, I feel now is the time to leave on a high note, ride off into the sunset and possibly open up a car dealership in my hometown of Kiln, Mississippi. Thank you for allowing me to serve the Packers organization and its fans (what is this salty liquid stinging my eyes?) for the past 16 seasons. Rest assured that my retirement will not in any way affect my close relationship with the team or city I’ve grown to love and which has shown so much love and loyalty in return. Whenever you need me, (oh, geez, I’m bawling like a baby) I will always be available for promotional appearances, scouting advice and the obligatory honorary coin toss.

Ever your humble quarterback,

Brett Favre, Packer for life

Dear Brett,

We are stunned and saddened by your decision, as we were fully expecting you to return for at least another season, especially in light of how well you played up until that fateful interception in overtime of the NFC Championship game. But if this truly is your final decision, then we must accept it gracefully and prepare to move on.

Thank you for your years of service to the the Green Bay Packers. In 16 seasons as our starting quarterback, you’ve given us a lifetime’s worth of memories, as well as a Super Bowl title. The courteous notice of your retirement gives us ample time to prepare Aaron Rodgers for the coming season and allows us to focus our efforts in this upcoming draft.

To show our eternal gratitude for your efforts, we will be retiring your number during the Sept. 8 season opener against the Minnesota Vikings. We would be honored by your attendance. Our player-relations department will be in touch with you to set up your schedule and make all necessary arrangements.

Once again, thank you for your service.

With much love,

The Green Bay Packers

Dear Green Bay Packers,

Great news! You may want to sit down when you read this, because – I’m coming back! Yep, you read that right. Like Michael Jordan did with the Bulls, I’m coming out of retirement to play at least one more season with the Pack!

Once again, you will have at your services the talents of a future Hall of Fame quarterback.

Don’t worry about having to resend me the playbook; I’ve still got a copy on my nightstand.

Thank your lucky stars,

Brett Favre, salt-o-the-earth kinda guy

Dear Brett,

We were in stitches when we read your last correspondence. That’s the Brett we all know and love! We almost believed you, just for a second, and then we came across this report, which let us know it was all a joke.

You kidder, you!

The Green Bay Packers

Dear Green Bay Packers,

It’s no joke, guys. I’m really coming back.

You’re welcome,

Brett Favre

Dear Mr. Favre,

Um … OK. Assuming this isn’t a joke, (and if it is, well played) we are authorized to state that we’d be more than happy to have you return to the team, but it will have to be in a backup role, as we’ve already committed to Aaron Rodgers being our starting quarterback for the upcoming season. Please take the time to consider whether you’re truly up to not only another grueling NFL season, but taking on a diminished role.

Patiently awaiting your well-thought-out reply,

The Green Bay Packers front office

Hey guys,

Yes, I’m totally serious about returning. And while I may have inconvenienced you slightly in your plans for this season, please be advised that I will not be returning as a backup. I’m Brett Favre. You may remember me from Super Bowl XXXI. The all-time leader in yards passing, touchdowns and victories. And my critical supporting role in There’s Something About Mary. Seriously, who gives you a better chance to win, me or Aaron?

Pinch yourself, it’s not a dream,

Brett Favre, winning quarterback of Super Bowl XXXI

Dear Schizo Brett,

With your past record of off-season indecisiveness, guess we should have seen this coming.

Imagine if all employees treated their workplaces like you do. “I’m giving my two-weeks notice. On second thought, maybe I’ll stick around a little longer. Then again … Aw, heck, pencil me in, just in case I show up.”

Yes, over the course of your career, you’ve built up a resume worthy of the Hall. However, up until your “renaissance” last year, you basically sucked ass for 10 years. Ten years of utter mediocrity.

To be honest, we were glad to see you retire, despite playing over your head last year. Now that you’ve placed us in a public relations nightmare, we advise you to please reconsider your request to return to the team. Unless, that is, you want to keep the bench warm for Aaron.

Best wishes for your continued retirement,

The Green Bay Packers

Dear Ingrates,

After a careful reading of your previous letter, I’ve decided to reconsider my request to return to the Packers. You can release me. I know of at least one warm-weather team that would love to have my services.

Fuck you,

Brett Favre, future Hall-of-Famer

Dear Overrated Interception Machine,

Yeah, we’ll release you. To the hounds.

The Green Bay Packers (somehow, we’ll find a way to muddle through without you)

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