Well, sure. Just like with humans, an oyster’s unhealthy fixation on its own naughty bits are sure to bring chafing, hairy palms and STDs. “Oh, that’s just a cold sore!” Sure, you pretty little huitre plate, you keep telling yourself that.

According to Reuters, oyster herpes actually kills the little guys — to the tune of 40-100% in most French cultivating beds this year — instead of merely making them social outcasts whose only goal is to spread the disease through lies and casual sex. Apparently, the cause is simple – when the weather is warm and there’s plenty of food, oysters spend all their available energy pumping up their sexual organs at the expense of their immune systems. Hard to blame ‘em.

Brilliant reporting Reuters, by the way. No mention at all whether infected oysters can transfer their seaborne herpes to people who down them with a nice Sancerre and capable mignonette. Nobody’d be interested in that, I imagine.

I hate to say I told you so, but Sarasota chef Darwin Santa Maria of oft-lauded Selva Grill made the same prediction about Peruvian food almost a year ago right here in CL’s blogs. Sarasota is home to no less than four decent Peruvian joints. Only question is: what about the Bay area? Know any great places to grab some ceviche, causa and sauces laced with glorious aji pepper?

(Thanks to Grub Street.)

For stainless steel cookware, typical dish soap and water will take care of daily use – and you can even throw most brands in the dishwasher — but you’ll want to have an abrasive cleanser on hand. Don’t scrub with anything metal and stay away from harsh powders and liquids like Comet or Soft Scrub; those will clean well enough but could scratch the surface of your beautiful pans.

Look for abrasives that are made for pans – like my fave Barkeepers Friend, available in most supermarkets. The powder is much finer and made from stuff that won’t mar the steel. They work best when the pan is just barely damp, scrubbed into surface with a nylon pad like you find on the back of most cleaning sponges. For tough jobs, soak the gunked-up pan for a while first. Even if you don’t have tough-to-remove food caked onto your steel, these cleansers will remove the inevitable discoloration and water spotting that comes from steady use. Giving them a good scrub every so often will keep your babies looking bright and fresh.

Copper is just as simple – you can use the same soft abrasives that you use on steel – but you’ll also want to add a commercial copper polish to remove the inevitable tarnish and discoloration. Squirt on, wax-off.

Tending cast iron is more troublesome, but rewarding when you put in the time. I’ve never been good at it, but the fine people at Lodge – the undeniable kings of cast iron – recommend heating your cast iron slowly when preparing to cook, with a thin layer of vegetable oil no matter what you’re preparing.

When you’re done, don’t use soap. Fine layers of caramelized food built up on the surface of the pan are what makes cast-iron non-stick, as well as adding flava’. Just scrub gently in hot water (cold can warp the hot metal) with a nylon brush. Loosen tough, caked-on food by filling the pan with water and boiling for a few minutes. After cleaning, wipe the pan with a touch more oil and store without the lid on to encourage air flow. Our own copy editor Anthony Salveggi likes to cover the pan with a towel to keep off dust that may stick to the oiled surface.

If you let the pan go south, or find an old one at a garage sale, rust is not a problem. Just scour the rust away with steel wool and re-season. You’ll want to coat the entire pan – inside and out – with melted shortening and bake in a 350-400 degree oven for an hour. After it cools in the oven, you’re golden.

Some food – like salt — can pit the surface of steel, iron and copper if it remains in contact with the pan for even a short time. If you’re boiling water for pasta, wait until it starts bubbling before adding the salt. Try to clean or rinse and soak your pans quickly after cooking to stop or slow the negative impact of sodium rich foods. The pits won’t stop the pans from cooking a fine meal, but who wants a $100 skillet that’s cratered like a 14-year-old’s face?

Like taking care of your coif or skin-care regime, maintaining your cook-gear takes a little time and a little effort, but the years of beauty are worth it.

Part of the reason is Joss Whedon, the man behind Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Whedon — of Buffy, Firefly and Serenity fame — is known for snappy dialogue, engaging stories and a keen talent for creating fan buzz. Last week he released Dr. Horrible with little fanfare, posting three fifteen-minute episodes throughout the week. You could view them for free on the Dr. Horrible site, but only through last Sunday.

Now they’re $1.99 each on iTunes. And worth every penny.

There’s nothing new to this comic tale of a nascent super-villain trying to make it into the big leagues, but when that story is told with Whedon’s flair for dialogue, a half-dozen musical numbers and the comedy genius of Neil Patrick Harris in the starring role, it’s gold. Whedon regular Nathan Filion plays Captain Hammer — the doctor’s arch-nemesis — with oblivious, scene-eating verve and the entire production manages to be slick and humble at the same time.

That might be the ultimate appeal of Dr. Horrible. The countless home-made video blogs and shorts posted on Youtube and the like create an aura of low expectations for web films, making it easy for Whedon and crew to surpass the perceived potential at every step. The actors are better than the script, the script is better than the plot and the plot is good enough to generate some pathos and interest. Most of the laughs come from obvious slapstick or surprise — the head of the League of Evil is a villain called Bad Horse (the Thoroughbred of the Apocalypse), silently played by an actual horse in the show’s final scene — but they work.

Experience has trained all of us to know in our bones that 99% of online entertainment is pure crap. Maybe the real lesson in Dr. Horrible is that a skilled storyteller and some out-of-work production pros can turn those lowered expectations into honest-to-goodness blockbuster fun.

This week features a culinary guide to passive aggressive appetizers perfect for any gathering. Best snippet: “Have you ever noticed how sun-dried tomatoes and top-grade peyote look exactly the same? Not a suggestion, really. Just saying.”

The WSOP Main Event started July 3, with 6,844 people ponying up the $10,000 to participate, resulting in a prize pool of $64,333,600. Anyone who managed to beat out more than ten percent of the field managed to take home some dough, starting at $21,230 at 666th place. At 3:30 a.m. this morning, Michigan pro Dean Hamrick was in the uncomfortable position of being knocked out at 10th place, resulting in a booby prize of almost $600k.

The final nine received a payout of $900k — the minimum they will be winning once play resumes — and a 117 day vacation that they’ll likely spend negotiating endorsement deals, studying opponents and training, training, training. $900k is a lot, but 1st place will take home over $9 million, along with an easy, almost-guaranteed lifetime income as a sponsored pro. There are a few amateurs, a few pros, a mix of ages, and five different countries represented among the surviving few. All men, though, as the final female player was eliminated in 17th place.

Locally, our own former CL columnist (and current traitor) Jaden Hair got a little windfall from the WSOP. Her husband Scott (that’s him looking stern in the pic) — a good online poker player — managed to ride a short stack into the money for a cool $27k, finishing 466th when his pocket aces got two-outed by pocket queens. Bad beat, Scott. And Jaden, out of respect for you, I refrained from making a joke about “riding the short stack”.

After years of not trying, those Seattle-ish coffee merchants are really scrambling, aren’t they? Heck, I’m all for it. Anything beats that left-in-the-oven-for-days flavor of the corporate giant’s burnt coffee.

Rocky Aoki, creator of the Benihana restaurant chain and the vaudevillean-style of American teppan-yaki cuisine, died last week. He led an amazing life that rivals anything Richard Branson might try. Check it out.