Blurbex

After getting denied service at the Mobil station on the corner of Fourth Street N. and Ninth Avenue in St. Pete this morning (the pump told me to “See Attendant” and I don’t do that), I drove up the road a few blocks to the Bob Lee Mobil at 1631 Fourth Street N. Though Bob Lee Tires has been in this location since the 1940s, I think the gas station has been recently renovated. In truth, I have a hard time keeping up with all the Fourth Street development these days.

Upon pulling in, I noticed that the rows of pumps were really close together. So close, that only one vehicle would fit between them at any one time. Odd layout, I thought. Despite their close proximity to one another, the pumps were shinny and new, and the gas was cheap by local standards ($3.89 a gallon), so I decided to fill up. I had popped out of my car and was digging in my pocket for my wallet when the heavy-set man in the blue workman shirt that cried out “I work on cars!” spoke up:

“May I help you, sir?”

“Um, no thanks. I’m just getting some gas.”

“All our pumps are full serve, sir.”

I was flabbergasted. Had I awoken in the 1950s or in New Jersey? And which one would be worse? (I lean modern-day Jersey, myself.) To be honest, I wasn’t even sure what to do. Do I just stand here? Do I get back into the car?

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Gotvmail.com has paid ex-coked-out actor Gary Busey to star in 40 (yes, that’s four-zero) ads hawking their business phone services. The ads, which I ran across on Gawker, feature Mr. Joshua speaking directly into the camera, pitching his can’t-miss business ideas. Gawkers highlights include Agt. Pappas’ brilliant idea for hair dye marketed to black bears, allowing the threatened species to look more like polar bears and sneak onto the endangered list. I prefer his stirring rendition of Gotvmail’s theme song:

You have to hand it to Gotvmail; these are sure to get a ton of play across the Web in the next few days. And for all that publicity, I’m sure they only had to shell out an 8-ball or two.

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While the start of Bucs training camp is still 11 days away, it’s never too early to begin strategerizing for Fantasy Football season. This year, a few good sports from CL’s editorial department are itching to take on you, the reader, in our first annual Fantasy Football Challenge. Do you have what it takes to do statistical gridiron battle with us this fall? I doubt it. (Let’s face it: you’re weak and you don’t know your football from your pinball.) But if you are one of the brave souls ready to face the virtual ass-whoopin’ of a lifetime, let me know. Send an e-mail with the subject line “Fantasy Football” to joe.bardi@creativeloafing.com, and I’ll forward you all the details.

There are no prizes, of course. That would be gambling, and we all know gambling is very wrong. (Except when done on sacred Native-American land, cruise ships, foreign countries, or in Nevada, New Jersey, Connecticut, Mississippi, etc.) However, we will be featuring breathless coverage of the league on the CL Blogs and at tampa.creativeloafing.com. This is your chance at fantasy gridiron greatness. Don’t screw it up rookie!

(Photo Credit: Nightthree)

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We have ourselves some weather action, folks! Tropical Storm Bertha has formed in the Atlantic, approximately 4 gagillion miles away from Florida — but moving west. If the forecast track is to be believed, Massachusetts could be wiped off the map as early as July 20th.

For the moment, those of us manning the CL 4000 Weather Center advise you to stay out of the Home Depot, as we have not yet issued our “Buy plywood or die!” advisory notice. However, you should stay tuned to this blog for extremely late-breaking weather news and last rites.

And run for you lives!

(Sorry, the excitement of hurricane season is already getting the better of us.)

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When I heard the news this morning that comedian George Carlin had died yesterday at the age of 71 (not bad for a guy with long-term heart problems and a love of cocaine), I was immediately overcome by the urge to stage my own all-day Carlin Comedy Festival. Alas, Carlin’s death has not yet been made a national holiday, so I am instead at my desk attempting to complete this week’s edition of Creative Loafing for your consumption on Wednesday. That’s an odd conundrum for me, since though I wish I wasn’t at work right now, I wouldn’t be sitting here had I not encountered one of Carlin’s HBO specials in the early 80s (when I was far too young and impressionable to be watching late-night cable TV).

The standard boiling-down of Carlin’s career is as follows: Straight-laced nightclub comic transitions to counterculture icon after seeing Lenny Bruce perform, writes “Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television” and ends up the impetus for a Supreme Court case that resulted from its airing, performed varied acting duties (Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Prince of Tides and Mr. Conductor on TV’s Shining Time Station among them), but remained a dedicated stand-up comic to the end. As of last weekend, Carlin was still performing.

Though true, this rundown largely misses the point for me. Before all else, George Carlin was a linguist and a truth-teller, combining these skills to surgically carve up sacred cows and everyday life alike. The love of language runs through Carlin’s work — from stories of riding the NY subways as a kid listening to the multi-culti accents to his deconstruction of the evolution of the term “shell shock” into “post traumatic stress disorder” — and it was this love that most attracted me to his work. To my ear, Carlin’s routines are more musical performance than stand-up comedy routine.

So, in lieu of my Carlin Comedyfest, here (in no particular order) are 5 of my favorite Carlin moments from YouTube:

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This week’s edition of Creative Loafing includes a story by Megan Voeller on Chicago marketing guru Patricia Martin and the “Renaissance Generation.” From the story:

Some of Martin’s rhetoric sounds familiar. Instead of a “creative class,” a la Richard Florida, she speaks glowingly of RenGen — short for Renaissance Generation — a multigenerational group of savvy cultural consumers who “constitute the country’s best chance for continued intellectual and economic relevance as workers.

Martin’s visit to Tampa was part of a national tour sponsored by MetLife Foundation and America for the Arts, and was hosted locally by the Tampa Bay Business Community for the Arts. You can watch Martin’s presentation for yourself in the video window below, or check out Megan’s story on the CL Tampa website.

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Patricia Martin on RenGen (Tampa, 6/10/08) from Art Squeeze on Vimeo” width=”425″ height=”350″ wmode=”transparent” /]425/350

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It’s good new/bad news this afternoon:

Good news: Fans of horrific R&B ballads can breathe easy as pop-pisser R. Kelly is free after a Chicago jury found him not guilty on all 14 charges related to child pornography and a famed sex tape.

Bad news: NBC News icon and Meet the Press host Tim Russert is dead of an apparent heart attack.

Actually, maybe that’s bad news/bad news.

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Word from the BBC is that ’80s cartoon faves The Smurfs are headed to the big screen in a film that will mix animation with live action. No word on if the Smurfs themselves will be portrayed by actors or drawn by animators, but I’m pulling for real people. Ah, but who would you cast? Here are my suggestions:

Papa Smurf = Steve Carell in Evan Almighty

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Smurfette = Paris Hilton

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Gargamel = Antonin Scalia

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Apple honcho Steve Jobs unveiled the electronics giant’s new iPhone 3G yesterday. The second incarnation of the company’s hipster-coveted handset, the iPhone 3G is a little bit thinner (much like Jobs himself), a lot faster (about twice as fast as the first generation iPhone) and now has built-in GPS. All this for a new lower price of $199-$299 depending on how much memory you want. You’re thinking, “where do I line up?”

Not so fast there, Captain MasterCard.

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Good news everyone: You can rest easy, as I have taken one for the team and stopped global warming in its atmosphere-choking tracks. For the first time since I purchased them almost two months ago, I remembered to bring my reusable cloth grocery bags to the store. Please, hold your applause until the end.

(Photo Credit: Heidi K.)

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The new Indiana Jones flick is finally in theaters, with die-hard Raiders fans now choking down overpriced popcorn and enjoying the event movie of the summer. While reviews have been mixed, enough people will love the movie for Lucas and Spielberg to have their offices flooded by a bonanza of ancillary tie-in cash. Here’s some of my favorites mementos from the Indiana Jones Shop:

• Animals love to wear people clothes. Now, you can dress your puppy to look like everyone’s favorite archaeologist with the Indiana Jones Pet Costume. Just don’t get freaked out by the little arms. Only $14.99!
• “An archaeologist and treasure hunter, Indiana Jones can’t resist the chase for a rare artifact. One such quest found Indy, along with Sallah and Marion Ravenwood, out to find the Ark of the Covenant. Stands 7.5 inches tall. Comes with a hand-numbered Certificate of Authenticity. Limited Edition run TBD.” Only $49.99!
• What could be cooler and more distinctive than wearing this “Snakes, Skulls, and Rock ‘n Roll” hoodie? Nothing, that’s what. Only $39.99!
• Can’t figure out how to make a real whip do its thing? No worries, mate! Just pick up the Indiana Jones Sound FX Whip, and leave all that cracking to technology. Only $27.99!

And finally, not from the Indy store:

• Keep up with the Jones by finding a treasure chest filled with loot all our very own. Discover the Florida Lottery’s new Indiana Jones scratch-off game, because a gambling addiction has never helped so many kids get an education. Only $5!

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Fox Sports is reporting that Brett Favre has decided to hang up the jock strap after 17 incredible seasons as quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. You can’t argue with Favre’s timing, seeing as his retirement follows his best season in years. Fox’s Jay Glazer sums up Favre’s final campaign this way: “He led the Packers to the NFC Championship Game after passing for a stunning 4,155 yards, looking very much at times like a younger version of himself. In addition he threw 28 TDs — including an overtime Hail Mary pass to beat Denver in front of a national audience — and had a 95.7 quarterback rating. He was also voted into the Pro Bowl following the 2007 season but declined to go.” Not bad for an old man.

Favre’s exact placement on the list of history’s greatest QBs will be the source of endless debate, but there is no doubt that he’s an automatic Hall of Famer and a Top-5 All-Time quarterback. My favorite Favre memory is this pass to Antonio Freeman, which I didn’t believe at the time and still have trouble grasping:

And really, who can argue with these kids?

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Two months ’til Christmas. Have you begun putting off shopping yet?

• California is burning.