Blurbex

Look out!!!!!

• Hillary Clinton’s fund-raising machine may be running afoul of the law. Or, maybe there really is a very generous family of six living near the San Francisco airport.
• The new number of Americans without health insurance: 47 million.
• Is that a presidential saber I hear rattling?
• Katie Couric is heading to the Middle East in search of Iraqi progress, Syrian influence and a much needed bump in the ratings.
• SAT scores continue their two-year slide.
• Burning Man’s burning man gets torched four days too early. Apparently, there is something you can do to get arrested at the annual desert art fest.
• New touchscreen iPods? New squat little Nanos? The Beatles finally on iTunes? Check back on September 5.
• Here’s a vintage link (from all the way back in April!) about the best online video sites for those looking to engage in repeated and outrageous flouting of copyright law. That means you.

See you in the men’s room!

• Meet Senator Larry Craig: Idaho’s #1 congressional bathroom horndog and a co-chair of the Mitt Romney for President campaign. Why can’t these anti-gay Republicans just can’t keep their hands off the cock?
• The head of the National Counterterrorism Center reassures the public with positive statements like: “We have very strong indicators that Al Qaeda is planning to attack the West and is likely to [try to] attack, and we are pretty sure about that.” and “We are going to get hit again.”
• Is the U.S. prepping for a massive attack on Iran? Take a guess …
• Consumer confidence takes a baseball bat to the temple in August.
• Researchers in Seattle report that the anti-cholesterol “statin” drugs also work to hold off the onset of Alzheimer’s disease.
• The world really likes Barack Obama.
• Just when you started to separate your Blu-ray from your HD-DVD, along comes something called Tera-discs. “Tera” is loosely translated as “fucking gigantic!”
• Every one can calm down: That stolen parrot that thinks it’s a dog that I mentioned yesterday has been returned to its rightful owner … and can now be yours for the bargain price of $1899!

Bedtime for Gonzo!

• New job posting on whitehouse.org: The Bush Administration seeks a new Attorney General. Qualified Applicants must be loyal, secretive and willing to do whatever the president says. Legal knowledge a plus but not required.
• Ex U.S. Treasury Secretary Larry Summers warns a U.K. paper that the U.S. may be headed for a recession. On Bush’s watch? No way!
• A big time fight is brewing between the national Democratic party and the state of Florida over the date of the Florida primary election in 2008. How about we do it next week? At least that would save us all the months of non-stop television ads claiming Obama’s a worthless child and Hillary’s the anti-Christ.
• Who needs some opium? I think I know where you can find some.
• Hulk Hogan’s son body slams his Toyota into a tree in Clearwater, leaving the passenger in critical condition.
  
• A parrot who thinks he’s a dog gets animal-napped from a Tampa pet store.
• Say it ain’t so Owen Wilson. Say it ain’t so …
• Roger Ebert gives a Disney contract offer “Thumbs down,” then gets litigious over the whole mess. Never fuck with the fat man.

I’ve got the whole world … on this blog … I’ve got the whole world … on this blog …

• Senator John Warner (R), one of the oldest of the old guard in congress, changes his position on the war and is recommending Bush start drawing down U.S. forces in Iraq by Christmas.
• Somehow, new homes sales jumped in July! Unfortunately, that was before the stock market crapped it’s pants — an undies-defilement that is expected to hurt the housing market through the end of the year.
• Televangelist Bill Keller’s local TV show gets canned. Now who will I call at 1:30 a.m. and argue about mushrooms with?
• Wide receiver David Boston, in the midst of a career resurgence with the Bucs, gets arrested and charged with DUI after being found passed out behind the wheel of his SUV at a traffic light in P-Park.
• There’s a hole in the universe, dear Liza, dear Liza, there’s a hole in the universe, dear Liza a hole.
• Is Apple about to unleash a new “flagship” iPod with a touchscreen?
• Starlets in jail: Lohan gets a day, Nicole Richie serves 82 minutes.
• Play Hard: The Playstation 3 gets a DVR upgrade; The Xbox 360’s add-on steering wheel gets recalled because it overheats and starts emitting smoke; a 59-year-old man returns to college, will play linebacker for the football team. In lieu of flowers, please send …

Who knew balancing the budget could be this much fun?!!?

• President Bush has learned the lessons of the Vietnam war, and now plans to educate all Americans by repeating those mistakes in Iraq.
• Sya-Nuri Al-Maliki?
• The governor’s answer to Florida’s budget shortfall: Vegas-style casino gambling!
• Cops working as agent provacateurs at a Quebec protest rally get sniffed out by the crowd, filmed and run off by one of the protest’s organizers.
• Vermont: The #1 state in the union for naked people. Could this be why it’s the only state Bush hasn’t visited yet?
• An interesting, sobering and scary look at the disconnect between wages and home prices over the last few decades. Stick around for the comparisons between the U.S. and Japan.
• The end of the road for The Rolling Stones?
• The Texas Rangers score 30 runs in one game, the most in professional baseball in 110 years, and the Devil Rays weren’t the opponent? Inconceivable!

One Day Only! A Short List Special Supplemental TV Section:

• An O’Really? Factor crew staking out a Tampa judge’s house gets shooed away by the cops.
• Speaking of Fox News: Documentary filmmaker/Liberal agitator Robert Greenwald is back with a new short film comparing the conservative news network’s treatment of Iran with their treatment of Iraq in the run-up to war in 2003.
• Shocker! Professional news anchorwomen are none-too-pleased with Fox’s new “chicks in bikini’s try to read a teleprompter” reality TV offering, Anchorwoman.
• Head-scratcher alert: Janeane Garofalo is joining Keifer on 24.
• CBS to air Kid Nation, a reality show featuring 40 kids sent to the New Mexico desert for 40 days to run a town with no adult supervision. What could go wrong?
• A ventriloquist wins America’s Got Talent, causing a paradox that threatens to destroy the TV universe!

Florida in August reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.

• Can’t … somebody … stop… the … heat?!!?
• The C.I.A. really blew that whole “catching the terrorists before they strike” thing in the days before 9/11. I’m sure things are much better today, though.
• Speaking of Mr. Bin Laden: Is he live or is he Memorex?
• Gallup reports: The congressional approval rating now sits at a staggeringly low 18%. Could it be that the Dems were elected to end the war in Iraq, but instead have continued to fold in the face of presidential pressure?
• Monster.com got hacked, possibly exposing the personal information of tens of thousands of job applicants to spammers.
• When will the national debt nightmare come home to roost? Or, to put it another way, how long until China and Japan own your electric and water suppliers? (Paying attention yet?)
• A hole in one: The shuttle makes it back safely!
• Movie Biz Horror! Michael Bay back on to direct Transformers 2. Oh, the humanity!!!

A bad day for Mexico — Both of them.

• Hurricane Dean takes a Mexican vacation.
• Ron Mexico to plead guilty to “dogfighting-related charges.”
• Is Bush preparing to double down? An attack on Iran could come in the next six months.
• Paramount and Dreamworks go exclusively HD-DVD, delaying by about six months the inevitable victory of Blu-ray in the Next-Gen DVD format war. Transformers director Michael Bay is reportedly so pissed at the decision he is refusing to helm a Transformers sequel. Now that is good news!
• The son of FSU defensive coordinator and Bowden air-in-waiting Mickey Andrews was found dead outside his parents home Sunday night. All of Gator nation is suspect.
• The NY Times has a great article on a Northwestern University gender researcher and the way non-politically correct theories can lead to ostracism in academia.
• R.I.P.: The demise of Hip-Hop nation.
• Speaking of Hip-Hop: Ever wondered what a ton of weed looks like?

Monkey see, monkey who?

• After injecting billions into the banking system in the last few weeks, the Federal Reserve Bank cut the discount rate by half a point, driving the stock market up.
• What does that mean, “injecting billions”? The good folks at Slate explain.
• Wal-Mart and Home Depot (The economy’s “mine canaries” if you will) report disappointing second-quarter earnings and a rough year ahead. Everybody out!
• Speaking of mines: It’s getting worse at the site of the Utah mine collapse. Three rescue workers have been killed trying to find the six workers buried underground.
• Maybe those German scientists didn’t break the speed of light after all.
• How I learned to stop worrying and love my girlfriend’s dildo.
• Tea Leone spills the beans on 10 things men don’t know about women in Esquire Magazine. #9 is the best: “Supersecret: Unless we’re blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you.” I knew it!!!
• And, finally, these guys aren’t just monkeying around: The battle to be the world’s best Donkey Kong player has been made into a feature-length documentary film.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Dodging another bullet.

• Hurricane Dean forms in the Atlantic and is said to be hungry for Mexican food and the nightlife of Cancun.
• The Feds turn the orbiting looking glass on the homeland.
• The suicide rate of Army personnel hits a 26 year high.
• Brooksville’s city hall cleared on orders of the fire chief after someone burns a bag of popcorn in the break room.
• Some maddening statistics regarding the illusion of security and how the cost outweighs the benefits.
• Scientists break the speed limit of the universe.
• Fox News’ Daily Show rip-off goes bye-bye.
• *Rachel gets a nice blog redesign.

Take the red pill.

• The stock market continues its epileptic seizure.
• Violence erupts in Iraq, as 200 people are killed yesterday in “coordinated” suicide bombings in the largely Kurdish northern region of America’s latest colony.
• A bridge too far? Maybe not. A rail line linking Tampa and St. Pete has taken a few baby steps toward reality.
• Atlanta Falcon’s QB and dog fighting enthusiast Michael Vick has been accused of a lot, but stealing pit bulls and selling them on eBay to earn money to purchase missiles from Iran (because, you know, he pledged allegiance to al-Qaeda in February)? That seems outlandish, especially since he already made enough NFL scratch to buy a small army. In other, more grounded Vick news, a plea deal seems likely.
• Speaking of plea deals: Gambling NBA ref (and current Bradenton resident) Tim Donaghy has plead guilty to felony “conspiracy to engage in wire fraud and transmitting waging information through interstate commerce.” I feel good about the quality of NBA officiating now. How about you?
  
• Your tropical update, accurate and dependable from the St. Pete Times.
• Imagine John Lennon on iTunes.
• The New York Times reports that the odds we’re living in a computer simulation not unlike The Matrix are actually pretty good. The simulation hypothesis does explain a lot — including every story on this list.

Happy Madden Day everyone!

• The Rove Wrap: Here, here, here and here.
• Hillary Clinton claims to have the experience and proven track record to be president. About that record: some 2 million pages of documents (covering her White House years) are locked up in Bill’s presidential library, and won’t see the light of day until after the 2008 elections. How un-Clinton of her.
• Great moments in government bureaucracy: 108 Pasco cop cars sit idle in a field because the county screwed up and never turned them over to the sheriff’s office.
• Pew Media Research: The Internet has the MSM on the ropes. (OK, maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement.)
• Honest Abe never would have made it on TV.
• Roth hits the jackpot! Van Halen to reunite! Odds they play anywhere near the reported 25-show itinerary: Extremely low!
• Even more 80s nostalgia: Voltron is headed to the big screen.
• And Finally: It looks like Don Imus is about to make his grand return.

(I’m going to fake an illness and head to Gamespot now. Have a good afternoon folks.)

Ding dong the witch is dead! (No, not Merv.)

• Karl Rove resigns, only about six and a half years too late.
• Tiger wins his 13th major, further solidifying himself as the greatest athlete of his generation.
• Tiny story from the St. Pete Times: It looks like the Republican YouTube debate in St. Pete is back on, now scheduled for November 28th. That snowman is already hard at work on his questions.
• The U.S. slips to 42nd in a ranking of life expectancy, despite spending the most of any nation on health care. Washington yawns. Now picture this: It’s the year 2020. The U.S. has slipped to 42nd place in a ranking of military might. How might the pols in Washington react then?
• There are more pressing needs in the U.S. than health care. For example, since 2003 the Department of Homeland Security has spent $23 billion on surveillance cameras to better watch you walk down the street.
• Fox News leaves out Ron Paul and Tom Tancredo from their Iowa Straw Poll results, despite mentioning those who finished behind them.
• TBO.com’s wrap-up of the quotable post-game Gruden.
• R.I.P. Merv Griffin.

Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’ … into the future.

• Florida: The strangest state in the union.
• Things are looking grim for the workers trapped in a Utah mine.
• As your financial adviser, I recommend you hold your positions and PANIC! (Don’t really panic. The market is always a downer in August.)
• Deathbed watch: Luciano Pavarotti, Merv Griffin, George Steinbrenner, Pakistan, The Republican Party.
• Universal Music goes DRM-free … but not on iTunes.
• We’ve got a hurricane! But, a) it’s in the Pacific and b) it’s named “Flossie.” Can anyone really be scared of something called “Flossie?”
• The A-Train gets derailed, probably for good.
• Speaking of the Bucs: The great sports blog Deadspin has their Bucs season preview up. If you’re thinking Super Bowl in February 2008, you may want to skip this one.

I would never survive in a Florida prison.

• The Pakistani government considers a state of emergency, because, you know, when the protests of the shat-upon majority rankles the military dictatorship in charge, sometimes The General has to curb human rights a little. (In fairness, CNN is reporting that Musharraf has decided against “emergency rule,” but maybe I don’t trust CNN all that much.)
• Speaking of rights trampling: Bush puts A.G. Gonzo in charge of the new, expanded “foreign” eavesdropping program. You ever get that feeling you’re about to wake up from a rather heinous dream, only to realize you’ve been up for hours?
• Mayor Pam gets behind mass transit in Tampa. Usable light rail is now only a few decades away!!!
• A tornado rips through Brooklyn, NY for the first time ever. In other news, Global Warming is a scam!
• Eight Florida prison inmates have been charged with shaking hands with the bishop while alone in their jail cells. Apparently, monkey punching isn’t just against God’s law, but an affront to the entire sunshine state as well.
• More penises in the news: The now-former Young Republican National Federation chair resignes after accusations that he gave an unwanted blowjob to a guy sleeping at his sister’s house.
• You’re World, (sort of) Delivered: AT&T censors a webcast of Pearl Jam live at Lollapalooza because Lead Singer Eddie Vedder sang a few (rather tame) lines criticizing President Bush.
• Mysteries of the brain explored. The more I read about the brain, the more I consider permanently wearing a helmet.

No one wanted to take nude photos of me when I was in college! Who do I sue?

• You’ve heard about Larry Flynt’s million-dollar reward for information on philandering congressmen? The Washington Post has a good profile of his main investigator.
• Would you believe there is an archive of thousands of nude photos of the men and women who attended Ivy League schools from the 1940s-1960s? Or that these photographs were part of a massive program to categorize the students based on body type? Or that every frickin’ blue-blood you’ve ever heard of (Bush, Hillary, etc.) could be in this archive somewhere? It’s all true. The NY Times has a huge story on one writer’s quest to find the photos.
• NASA plans a do-over on the whole “Teacher in Space” thing this week, as they send Barbara Morgan out of the atmosphere. Hopefully, they get her back down as well.
• Bonds finally passes Aaron as Baseball’s all-time home run king. A-Rod, you’re on deck …
• CBS & Web M.D. have come up with a handy list that lets kids know what drugs their cool friends are taking.
• Jobs & Co. play some catch-up: Apple releases their latest iMacs, for the first time including a spreadsheet program. (How retro is that?)
• Is that a monkey in your pocket, or are you just happy to be flying into NY’s LaGuardia airport?
• The University of Miami makes the cut (barely) in this list of the Top 10 dirtiest NCAA Division 1-A football programs.

Free drugs, price cuts, new owners, nervous investors, lying public officials, stoned batsmen, shocking stats and record heat. We’ve got it all today.

• Publix announces it’s giving away free drugs!!! Sadly, all the drugs are of the legal variety and by prescription only.
• The Tampa Bay Lightning have been sold to a group known as “Absolute Hockey.” Vodka was not involved. (We think.)
• Too good to be true: Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R) claims the reason he offered an undercover officer in a park bathroom $20 for oral sex was because of all the black guys wandering around outside.
• For once it’s not just us: The rest of the country is sweltering in the heat as well.
• Stock analyst (and full-time sheep herder) Jim Cramer blows a gasket on CNBC.
• Psychology Today parades out five “shocking stats” about men’s sex lives. Biggest surprise: The Hemingway/F. Scott Fitzgerald dialogue on penis size.
• Headline of the week: “Pro-pot sluggers dominating congressional softball league.” (This one also gets Best Sports Team Name: The One Hitters.)
• Microsoft announces a price cut on the XBox 360.

I’m melting! I’m melting!!

• If congress further tramples your right to privacy, but it’s over the weekend and no one is paying attention, does it still count? Be careful of your answer; the FBI is listening.
• The richest man in the world is a guy named Slim.
• By the numbers, a tally of items the Pentagon has lost in Iraq: 190,000 AK-47s “and pistols”, 135,000 pieces of body armor, 115,000 helmets, all credibility.
• A Dateline NBC reporter tries to go undercover and crash a hacker convention; the hackers fight back.
• Leading the way in shaming police: Thailand. Officers there will be disciplined by being made to wear Hello Kitty arm bands.
• It must be the heat: Cable TV’s ratings are through the roof.
• Film buffs take note: Classic Siskel & Ebert goes online.
• We’re all in favor of protest, but this is just stupid.

Good job this week people. Everyone take the next two days off.

• Women in major cities now earning as much as or more than their male counterparts. Thus far, no rally has been planned to protest this burgeoning inequality.
• Who among us could have predicted the Minnesota bridge collapse? Certainly none of the government officials who were told in 1990 that the bridge was “structurally deficient.”
• Mitt Romney battles a New Hampshire waitress over health care. It seems like a draw.
• Here comes the gPhone.
• State of Sunshine wonders: Is it time for Florida to name a new state song? You know, one not so blatantly racist as the current selection, “Old Folks At Home.”
• Keith Richards did snort his Dad’s ashes after all. It’s OK, though, because no cocaine was involved.
• The top 10 things NOT to do when you are being arrested in Ybor this weekend.
• Just when you thought all that DiVinci Code nonsense of a few years ago had finally subsided, it rises from the dead yet again.

No matter how many times I see it, I’ll always be amazed by the way emergency responders dive into twisted wreckage, risking life and limb to save the helpless and injured. Can’t we call off the war and give these people a raise?

• All the Minnesota bridge collapse news that’s fit to print.
• Al-Qaeda releases a new “Web ad” this week, adding viral marketing to their bag of terrorist tricks.
• There’s no cover-up in the death of Pat Tillman. Donald Rumsfeld said so, and when has that guy ever been wrong?
• Shocker! Karl Rove ignores a subpoena and refuses to testify before congress in regards to the growing U.S. attorney firing scandal. Could this all be linked to widespread republican vote fraud in 2004?
• Speaking of vote fraud: Seven years after the Great Election Debacle of 2000, Florida still can’t get it’s act together in regards to voting machines. (In fairness, we are making some progress.)
• R. Kelly to finally get his day in court, five years after being charged with “child pornography.” Hopefully he’s not too pissed.
• Elton John believes the Internet is ruining music. If music could survive “Crocodile Rock” and “Benny and The Jets,” I’m sure it can survive the World Wide Web.
• Change is good, unless you’re the AMC movie theater chain.

Bring out your dead! The corpses are piling up, and yet, somehow, Dick Cheney and Keith Richards keep on breathing. Is there no justice?

• R.I.P. Tom Snyder. (Terrific nighttime talk host)
  
• R.I.P. Bill Walsh. (”The Genius”)
  
• R.I.P. Ingmar Bergman and Michelangelo Antonioni. (Two of the greatest filmmakers)
  
• R.I.P. The Wall Street Journal. (A formerly great newspaper)
• R.I.P. Home Depot advertising on O’Reilly. (MoveOn gains strength)
• R.I.P. iPhone security flaws. (Apple releases their first security update for the Jesus phone)
• R.I.P. Ohio Election Law. (This is just insane)
• And on life support and having some trouble breathing: The music industry. According to ASCAP, a restaurant playing a song as background music “equates to performing copyrighted music without permission.” That’ll be 30 grand, please.