Crib Notes

Chad Radford: Hello Neil. How are you?

Neil Hamburger: Not so good. Someone sprayed cyanide gas on the audience last night, all over the front row. I think about 200 people died. It should be on the news today, but we’re going to do another show tonight, regardless.

I hadn’t heard about that. Was it a heckler that did it?

Yeah, it was one of those hecklers who went too far.

Where was the show?

It was in a little town, called Stolen Penny, Nebraska. It’s all over the news, look on Fox News and you will see it.

I grew up in Nebraska, or right next to it in Iowa anyway.

Oh, so then you know this town. It’s fantastic…

Are people mean to you in the press?

Well you do get your occasional sickee who likes to say something horrible in the press. They try to say that I’m not as funny as Carrot Top. That’s not a nice thing to say.

I don’t think Carrot Top is very funny at all.

I don’t either, that’s what makes it a rip off for what you pay to get into that show, but some of these journalists feel differently from us.

Carrot Top creeps me out. He’s all muscular and orange these days.

That’s what I’ve been trying to say, but people have an agenda before they even put pen to paper. I think some of them are even working for Carrot Top, like maybe even on his payroll.

They’re still getting that 10-10-3-2-1 money. Remember those Carrot Top Commercials where he said “It’s free for you and cheap for them…”

They will haunt us forever…

I have been told that you started your career as a stand-up comic at the advice of a psychiatrist. Is that true?

That’s true. They said this sort of thing would purge your inner demons … sort of a nontraditional therapy. It has not really purged my demons, but I did get a career out of it. Some of the others in the same group hung themselves, so I guess that’s why they stopped doing it.

Would you say that it was good advice?

Well … If it wasn’t for this I would probably be a janitor somewhere. It may have worked out well, but sometimes I long for the life of a simple janitor. Some people think that the lives of entertainers are so fabulous. That may be true for Dianna Ross, but for the rest of us it’s a real struggle.

That’s the plight of the stand up comedian…

Yeah. Eating wallpaper paste for dinner because you didn’t make any money and the club won’t even give you a slice of pizza. But the show must go on and one thing to be said about great entertainers is they’re committed to helping people forget their troubles, so sometimes you have to put your own troubles on the back burner.

You can’t be doing that poorly, can you?

You would be surprised because of a contract that I signed. When I was getting into show business I saw an ad in the back of a National Enquirer that said “would you like to be in show business? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope.” So I did and these guys wrote back and said “we have a contract for you.” These guys had never seen my act so I thought wow, this is a real leap of faith. But I went ahead and signed it. They said they would get me bookings every night if I wanted it. So they sent me an itinerary, 200 shows the first year. That’s pretty good. It was Red Seal Entertainment. Then it was Red Globe Entertainment for a while. Then it was Affiliated Globe Talent. These guys got sued so many times that the company name changed so much.

The long and the short of it is that they said here’s 200 dates for you. All you have to do is pay us $100 per show commission. That sounded fine until I got to these shows and found out that I was making $5, $10, $15 per show and that was it. I owed them $100 for each of these show. Multiply that by 200 shows on top of a 29% interest rate that was compounded monthly, plus I wasn’t allowed to sign with anyone else for 25 years. It’s a deal that haunts me to this day. Even though I don’t work with these people anymore, I still owe them tens of thousands of dollars from these past bookings that were terrible.

You would go to these bookings at a pizza parlor and say “I’m the comedian that you’ve hired.” They would say stand over there on that milk carton and tell a couple of jokes at 8 o’clock. Meanwhile people are sitting there trying to eat their pizza and getting furious with you. It was a terrible ten years, I’ll tell you.

But now you’re hooked up with Drag City.

Yeah, that’s when things started to get better.

Did they pay off your debt to Red Seal?

No. The last time I sent them a check it was something like World Award Entertainment. It just keeps changing and it’s always out of a P.O. Box in Pennsylvania. And I tell you what if you don’t pay them they send their enforcers out to the show.

Really? Do they come out to the shows with their jackbooted thugs, demanding money?

Oh yes. They’re there waiting for you and this continues to this day. I worked for them for 10 years and they got bookings, but they were always at these pizza parlors and sometimes casino. Each one put you further in the whole.

Sounds like my student loans…

Yeah it’s very much like that. Are your loans out of Pennsylvania?

No, they’re out of Iowa.

Well it could very well be an affiliate company … But when you believe in something, like I do — I believe in entertaining people, I stuck with it and got deeper into the whole, and so when things started getting better I still couldn’t keep up with the payments to these jerks … Because of the interest and I’m sure you know all about that.

But that’s my life! Not to steal your line.

No, don’t worry about that. You take that one and have fun with it.

Do you have a favorite comedian or is there someone out there whom you’ve looked up to or thought of when you’re trying to mold your own identity?

Most comedians are real sons of bitches.

I don’t think I know any comedians. Maybe I know one rapping comedian in New York.

Stay away. These guys will take your last sip of water. It’s a back biting world. I wouldn’t give those guys credit for anything … stealing my bookings, no way.

You know who I do like is Frank Sinatra Jr. Really sensational singer.

I don’t know Frank Sinatra Jr.

He’s really something else. He’s got a new album out. You oughta check him out. Really something to behold…

Is he anything like his dad?

Well he’s had a whole different life experience that has shaped his voice. He’s got the pipes to be as good a singer as his dad or anyone else that you’ve ever heard. He doesn’t sound exactly like his dad, but he can if he wants to, but often he does his own interpretation and it is very melancholy. You will not hear a sadder sound than when Frank Jr. goes in that direction.

You don’t think of Bill Hicks or Lenny Bruce or anyone like that as an inspiration?

I haven’t worked with either of those guys but in this business you get to meet them all eventually. The guys I really like are Abbott and Costello, especially all of the filthy stuff that they did. Those guys are a sensation. I know that at least one of them is in poor health, but if there’s a way to get either one of them back on to a stage, that would really be entertaining.

Have you thought about doing a benefit for them?

I would love to play it, but I can’t afford to do it.

Tell me about your album, Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners.

We wanted to do something different. These comedy albums don’t really sell. People don’t want to buy somebody talking. So we hired a team to do some investigation and they said well people are buying recorded music on the album format. That was an eye opener.

We looked at a lot of the great personality records that were made by people who weren’t singers. Of course I’m not a singer, so it would have to be something different. So we listened to Leonard Nimoy’s album and Shatner, Telly Savalis. David Hasselhoff and a lot of these great. George Burns did a couple of albums of singing. So we got some ideas from those and went into the studio and cut this thing with some of the best musicians around.

We’ve got Prince who was the drummer for the Tubes. He is the sweetest nicest person you could ever meet and he also plays with Todd Rundgren’s band. That sets the tone right away. It’s not going to be one of these crappy Casio keyboard albums. We’ve got most of Todd Rundgren.

No Todd himself?

No, but I have met the man on many occasions.

Do you go to the same parties?

In a sense we do but I’m usually on the outside of the party looking in … All of these guys can make a barking dog sound good. That’s what they did with this album. My vocal talents are somewhere between a barking dog and a dying cat. But with the right studio wizardry and tricks, it’s all about the real honest emotions that you can bring to the song. These songs were custom created for this album to completely capture my life in song. It’s not like a Weird Al album, there are some real sad moments.

You call the album Neil Hamburger sings country winners. Most country songs are about losers…

It’s the songs that are the winners. There are some songs that are about sadness failure and/or loss. But the songs themselves are the winners. That’s how we look at it.

Do you have a favorite song on the album?

I like the first one, “Three Piece Chicken Dinner.” The words are just so true. Sometimes you perform and you put your all into it and you have these people cheering for you and then when you go to get paid they say here’s some dinner for you, that’s all we’ve got.

What I would prefer are some olives or grapes. They’re good at healing stomach ulcers which I have from the stress of a failing career. Not mashed potatoes and gravy … Some of that gravy comes from straight out of the cow’s ass! I hate to say it, but it’s true and that’s what they give you.

What about the song called “At least I got paid.”

We shot a video for that song. I think it’s on You Tube. I hear that’s where the songs go when we make a video.

It’s a continuation of the first song. On the one hand you complain that all you got paid was this Chicken dinner and then you think about the folks who perform and don’t even get that, so you have to feel thankful. One song is about self pitty and the other one is trying to take the positive route.

You think well, I got paid some stale corn chips last night, but I have to be thankful for what I’ve got.

Are there any topics that you won’t touch?

Yes, you do have to be careful in this day and age because of all the things that are happening. For me it’s apricots. The Apricot Board has been spending so much time trying to get this fruit into school lunches and into the public consciousness. They’ve done a series of print adds to tout the nutritional benefits of apricots. These folks put a lot of time into this, if you go to the apricot website, it’s really beautiful, and they put up posters in hopes that you will understand what a wonderful fruit this is. For me to come out onstage and say horrible things about apricots would be in real poor taste. I want touch that topic.

What about politics?

I do that sometimes but half the time you get someone mad at you and I’m there to make people happy. Sometimes you have to throw a drink in a couple of people’s faces.

Sarah Palin has been in the news a lot lately. Do you have any good Sarah Palin jokes?

Don’t have any jokes about her, but she’s sort of creating her own, really. What a mess. I would try to write jokes about her but then when I turn on the TV she’s making the jokes herself and it’s so much funnier. People sit at work and see things that make them laugh and then cry and when they want to come out to my show they want to hear something different, like a joke about Smash Mouth.

Just saying the name Smash Mouth is funny…

Yes it is…

You’ve always done well in Atlanta.

Yes it’s a great town.

It’s a big hip-hop town.

Yes, but I haven’t noticed that it has helped make my shows any better. I can’t speak that fast. If I had a teleprompter I could try … Do those guys use teleprompters?

I don’t know. I think they just drink a lot of Red Bull.

I can’t do that. It’s too expensive, it’s like $2.29 a can.

What kind of people do you think of as Neil Hamburger fans?

We get all types, you have the sickees and then you have the weirdos.

What’s the difference?

The Sickees, well, have you ever been trying to sleep and there’s a house fly that keeps buzzing around your mouth?

Yes.

That’s what sickees are like.

What about the weirdos?

They’re just weird they’ll come to the show wearing two hats, one on top of the other and they say oh will you sign my toe … The sickees buy merchandise. The weirdos always have an excuse … Oh I’m saving to buy a unicycle or something.

Do you have any advice for young people who are trying to break into the world of stand up comedy?

Don’t! Don’t do it! It’s a nightmare. You will not make money and you will be miserable beyond your wildest dreams. It’s like the life of a traveling salesman. Who does that anymore?

But there are an awful lot of comedians out there these days.

But a lot of them have severe problems. They’re really sick.

Are they as unhappy as you are?

Some are worse. Carrot Top is happy because he gets a million dollars every two shows. That guy has so much money, he just hit the jackpot. Others hit the dung pot. There’s no money there. All there is is shame, failure and tuberculoses. You would be surprised by some of the things that happen to comedians who try to do this for a living. People think it is all laughter and fun. Meanwhile they’re at some job being paid $30 an hour to sit in front of a computer and send funny little pictures to each other. We would love to get $30 an hour for what we do.

While working on this story I thought it would be helpful to get some character witness kind of quotes from someone who has worked with Neil Hamburger. His most frequent cohort, at least on You Tube is the one and only Will Oldham (a.k.a. Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy). I sent Will a couple of questions. I assume that he’s busy and I didn’t really even expect a response. But I got one…

I know these guys are friends, and I’m not sure if he was joking around or being serious. At any rate Oldham’s criticisms of Hamburger are pretty straight-forward and pretty scathing.

Could you tell me what it is about Neil Hamburger that draws you to him?

Will Oldham: Most folks that get into music really wish that they were getting into the comedy racket, and that is certainly the case with me. And, in spite of his gruffness some times, Neil is at heart very human and approachable. He isn’t afraid to display finesse in his attire, which is entirely missing from the world of comedy today. And his material is always very current. To know what’s going on, I can choose to turn on Fox news or listen to a new Neil Hamburger routine (sometimes I can do both simultaneously!). He seems comfortable virtually anywhere: on network television, at the track, in foreign countries.

I’m not sure how happy I am about his weak attempts at making music. This pond is already pretty full, and I think it’s cheeky of him to overstep his own genre limitations in such a bold way. I think I know music audiences today, and I don’t think they’ll really take to his foray into “music.” Really he should go back to doing what he does best, which is straight comedy, and leave the music making to those of us who have worked REALLY REALLY hard to get where we are today. I mean, where do you file that shit? “country?” “comedy?” There is no empathy in this new work. I wish he would cut it the fuck out and tell some jokes.

I’m not sure he recorded with real country musicians, either. That record was recorded in San Francisco! There’s no country music there. It’s bullshit, and it’s not funny, and it isn’t cool either. Did he think that was really a good idea? To make a “music” record? He should have made it more silly, more jokey and not used good musicians. That’s what throws it all off, and confuses the listener into thinking it’s maybe good. When it isn’t good. Are you supposed to laugh or dance? Are you supposed to feel sad or are you supposed to feel happy when you hear those maudlin musical numbers? They’re too complex, too multi-layered. Some of the songs almost could even pass for real songs… but just barely. They’re like comedy routines set to music. But that isn’t what he DOES. It’s not what he’s good at. His strength is in telling jokes. Tell more jokes, Neil!

Do you have a favorite Neil Hamburger album or joke and can you tell me why you like it or why it sticks with you over the others?

There was a Judge Ito joke from one of the early 7″s that always plays back through my mind-brain. I think he experiences some technical issues with the microphone during the telling of the joke (if I remember right) and again this throws a spotlight on his humanity, much in the same way that Tim Conway and Harvey Corman’s breaking character during Carol Burnett sketches showed us their 3rd dimensions.

The commercials you two did for The Letting Go resonated with me pretty strongly. You once explained to me the difference between Will Oldham and Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy as this:

“I like to live in this pretend existence where if someone says ‘I love Will Oldham’s records,’ it means they love this pile of records that I see sitting in front of me right now, which includes records by Phil Oakes, Madonna and shit like that. That gives me a chance to pretend that I have a life. Bonnie Prince Billy can make records and people can say they hate him or they love him, and then my mom can call and talk to Will.”

There’s a lot to take from that quote and I can’t help but wonder about Neil in those terms. The separation between the performer and the act in both cases is of a similar design. Do you think there are the similarities between Neil Hamburger and Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy?

I think it comes down to professionalism; to a strong work ethic, a sense of fashion and style, and the desire and ability to reach for the stars. Neither of us have been really “lucky” in love, either, and that doesn’t hurt our material.

(Photo by Simone Turkington)

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Tags: Bonnie Prince Billy, Neil Hamburger, The-Earl, Will Oldham.