Crib Notes

I pity the fool who wears baby blue

Earlier this week, Chris Brown issued a plea to his fans in an attempt to stir them to action on his behalf. Since pleading guilty to felony assault against his former pop star dimepiece Rihanna, he fears he’s being blackballed by the industry and even has sucky sales of his recently released album Graffiti to prove it. So he took his beef straight to SayNow.com (his main outlet since deleting his Twitter account in a related huff last December) where he left an audio message begging fans to hit up their local radio stations and request his music:

“Hey, what’s up, y’all? CB. I ain’t never really did this but right now I’m just calling ya’ll, I need all of my fans’ help,” he said in the 90-second clip. “I need all the fans that I have, I need y’all’s help. It’s crazy because a lot of radio stations … some radio stations aren’t playing my records. They’re not being that supportive and I wouldn’t expect them to.

Apparently his desperation is working, based on this email I received in my inbox Friday, which begins:

To Whom It May Concern,

The intent of this letter is to request that Chris Brown’s music be allowed airplay on your station. For over a year we, his fans, have been requesting that songs from his catalog, both old and new, be played to no avail. In the initial stages we understood, considering the severity of his actions, why there would be reluctance to do so. Now over a year removed, enough is enough. [Read the full text of the letter in PDF form.]

Of course, I don’t own or work at a radio station, which leads me to believe one of two things: 1) Chris Brown’s letter-writing fans aren’t savvy enough to know the difference between print and broadcast media; or 2) Chris Brown’s letter-writing fans are quite media-savvy, indeed. Either way, I’ve swallowed the bait.

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First off, why isn’t it spelled Grammies? Why does it get to flaunt the rules of pluralization? But that’s only the most innocuous of problems with this dinosaur of the music industry. Or maybe the music industry’s the dinosaur. Did I just blow your mind, man? Either way, below is a play-by-play of the excruciatingly banal, the terrifically bizarre, and the pleasantly surprising moments of last night’s awards. Also, Georgia musicians that done done good.

The telecast opened in the gayest way possible (and I don’t mean that in a bad way), with weirdo-flavor-of-the-moment Lady Gaga sitting across a creepy hand-laden piano from onetime Atlanta resident Sir Elton John. After Gaga delivered a medley of some of her hits (what is the deal with the medley, Grammys?), she sat down with Elton and growled, “I wanna be a staaaaaar!” Then they played together. It was off-putting and a little scary. Anyway, they both looked crazy, and it was sort of enjoyable. At the least, it was the most fitting collaboration of the night.

As much as I like Stephen Colbert, his niche-y brand of comedy always fails to go over well in front of a large audience. Anyone remember the White House Correspondents’ Dinner? So it was on Grammy night, as he whipped out his brand new iPad in a weird new style of ironic product placement. Meh, meh, meh.

Sidenote: What’s up with the one Jonas Brother who looks like a hipster? Is he going to break off from the rest of the pack and go record his gritty solo album with Steve Albini? I hope so, and not.

Now it was time for the award for Song of the Year, which Beyonce won for “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It),” which was a big “duh.” If any of the others had taken it (Kings of Leon?) there would probably have been mass rioting. I guess the Great Kanye Debacle of 2009 has taught all awards shows that if Beyonce’s up for something, you’d better fucking give it to her, and how. Oh, but Beyonce was busy preparing for her big performance, and so the dudes who actually wrote the song — Atlantans Christopher “Tricky” Stewart and Terius “The Dream” Nash — went up to accept the award. I always forget that most of these folks don’t write their own songs. Music!

Green Day has a broadway musical coming out. Remember when they were a punk band? Yeah, me either.

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Seems like there was more action behind-the-scenes than onstage, despite the 20-plus performances at this year’s Grammy Awards.

Chris Brown reportedly got gangsta with his girlfriend Rihanna, causing them both to cancel their performances. The alleged reason behind the smackdown should bring a whole new meaning to their upcoming collabo, “Bad Girl,” produced by Atlantan Polow da Don for the Confessions of a Shopaholic soundtrack. Meanwhile the real “gangstas,” Lil Wayne and T.I., delivered upstanding, redemptive performances — neither of which required NARAS President Neil Portnow to excuse their inclusion in the program, the way he had to when Eminem performed to the chagrin of gay rights activists in 2001.

Of course, the Recording Academy continued this year with the ultra-lame generational mashup theme that made for some of the oddest pairings ever.

Surely, Stevie Wonder would’ve been insulted if only he could’ve seen how silly he looked on stage with the Jonas Brothers. The Al Green/Justin Timberlake pairing was quite a yawner, but perhaps we should be thankful that Timberlake didn’t attempt to rip Green’s shirt off for a grand finale. And did we really need to see B.B. King and John Mayer trade ugly guitar faces for the second year in a row?

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Comedian Jamie Foxx got away with murder last night at the MTV VMAs when he cracked on T.I., who was seated in the crowd.

It marked the Atlanta rapper’s first televised award show appearance since his conspicuous absence from last year’s BET Hip-Hop Awards, taped hours after he was arrested on federal gun charges on October 13, 2007 in Atlanta.

“Got that bail money,” Foxx said, acknowledging T.I.’s presence before he announced the nominees for the Best Female Video award. “Just kidding. Don’t shoot me.”

T.I. flashed a smile back at Foxx, who was featured on “Live in the Sky” from T.I.’s multi-platinum selling 2006 album, King.

Apparently, Clifford Harris left his thugged-out (alter?)-ego, T.I.P. at home. He went on to perform two songs from his upcoming album, Paper Trail, including the cake daddy anthem “Whatever You Like” and “Live Your Life,” featuring Rihanna.

And was it just me or was Rihanna on some Pat Benatar shit last night?

Pat Benatar, “Love is a Battlefield”

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