Culture Surfing

In anticipation of tonight’s two-hour “24″ season finale, and in honor of the show’s better, more balls-to-the-walls days, I’ve compiled a list of the “24’s” top 10 all-time greatest moments. It was a more daunting task than I’d initially anticipated — 24 hours times seven seasons equals a lot of possibilities, and my picks show a clear preference for memorable kills/deaths. Thanks to Culture Surfing and Facebook commenters for their 2 cents!

Mess with Chloe? Fine! (Photo courtesy Fox)

10. Chloe guns down a hostile (season 4)
To say that Chloe has a hard time relating to people would be an huge understatement. She’s an sarcastic know-it-all (think Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy from “SNL”), but still completely lovable. There are many great Chloe moments (remember when she tasered that guy in the bar for trying to pick her up?), but the best was when she killed the hostile on Day 4. While out in the field to follow up on an informant, she’s attacked by a hitman. Chloe slams the gas on her SUV, knocks down the attacker, grabs a gun (we’re talking rifle-size, no pistols here) jumps out, shoots and kills the guy. As quickly as she becomes a badass, though, she returns to being awkward, grabbing her laptop and shuffling and mumbling into the house. Gotta love the Chloe.

Continue reading “Top 10 all-time greatest moments on ‘24′” »

Bookmark It

It's OK, Jack. There's always next season.

Snore. I never thought I’d say that say after watching the second-to-last episode in a season of “24,” but it’s true. Last night’s episode was awash with unoriginality, to the point that a Jack-Tony face-off was only mildly thrilling. Eyeballs should have been hanging out of sockets! Jaws should have been dragging on the floor! Tongues should have exhausted themselves with wagging! Instead, I got up to move the laundry into the dryer.

In a way, “24’s” charm has always been the unpredictability of its predictability. In nearly every episode, we can usually count on a tangled, twisty knot of seven or eight of the 10 following elements:

1. A terrorist plot
2. Torture
3. Finding/following up on a lead
4. Terse reminder of the time issue (Dammit!)
5. Petty, time-wasting office politics
6. Family/relationship drama
7. A betrayal of trust
8. Last-minute scramble to subvert said terrorist plot
9. Stay/elimination of the threat
10. Vengeance

The problem with season seven has been its unwillingness to push the limits of the show’s recurring themes, so we end up feeling like we’ve seen it all before (because we have). Olivia’s proven to be conniving and self-interested, but she’s no Sherry Palmer. Renee’s a capable wing(wo)man, but Audrey Raines was sharper and more complex. President Taylor’s righteous and moral, but she’s got nothing on David Palmer. Bio-weapons are scary as hell, but the threat had greater hold the first time, during season three.

While it had its highlights (Bill’s kamikaze move to save the president; Tony’s murder of Larry Moss and betrayal of Jack; Hodges pummeling a coworker’s face with a brandy decanter), Day 7 will certainly go down as one of, if not THE, least memorable seasons of “24.” But in anticipation of next week’s two-hour, Kim-Tony-Jack-centric season finale and a bigger and better Day 8, I’m compiling a list of the top 10 all-time most memorable Bauer hour moments. Leave your suggestions here and check back Thursday for the list.

(Photo by Kelsey McNeal/FOX)

Bookmark It

MY NAME IS JONAS: Er, Robert Tippett, er, Dead Meat Pete

A list of things that would suck:

1. Sharing an office with Janeane Garofalo
2. Being framed for a terrorist attack
3. Getting blown up on your way into witness protection
4. Accidentally assassinating someone

“24’s” always about things that would suck, but we’re usually so distracted by all the yelling and shooting and torture that we don’t take the appropriate time to consider the characters’ crap luck. Sometimes they get what they deserve: Take Olivia, for example. She’s conniving, two-faced and self-righteous, so it’s hard not to do a little happy dance when her evil plots come back to bite her. Then there’s Jibraan. Poor Jibraan and his brother Hamid. Not only do these guys start their day before 4 a.m. (that sucks), but they’re now being framed as Jihadists (really sucks) by Tony and Cara. (Well, at least Jibraan, Hamid will have to live with the stigma if the plan succeeds.)

Jonas Hodges falls into the Olivia category, although he was such a searing villain, his departure this week was definitely a bummer. Finally there’s Jack, God bless him: Exposed to a lethal compound with no known cure, betrayed by his BFF, ignorant of his grandaughter’s existence, and on top of all this, forced to share an office with a naggy liberal. Oh, the humanity.

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 21, 4-5 a.m.” »

Bookmark It

BIG BROTHER, BIG SISTER: Chloe reboots CTU

When Tony’s bad, he’s very very bad.

Stand idly by your FBI vehicle, and he’ll put a bullet in your face. Rub him the wrong way, and he’ll suffocate you with a motel shower curtain. Question his motives and he’ll get, well, moody. (Cara, upon seeing Galvez’s lifeless body: “I’ll assume that was necessary.” Tony: “Don’t start with me. I’m not in the mood.” Me-ow!) All cattiness aside, Tony stepped further into that deep, dark place this week, and seemingly closer to the mental point of no return. As viewers, we’d be remiss to continue hoping for his redemption. Even if he did snap out of his Tony the Terrorist phase, there’d be no one left to vouch for him. Once you kill the head of FBI, burn the President, and lie to Jack, whooo boy are you a goner.

With Tony so committed to the Dark Side, I doubt he’ll make it past season seven. The action’s snowballing toward a big finish now that we’re down to the last four episodes and I think it’s likely that Tony will be taken out of the picture. For good this time, soul patch and all.

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 20, 3-4 a.m.” »

Bookmark It

CIRCLE OF TRUST: Tony is out

After Tony aided and abetted in Larry’s death last week, internet folks buzzed with conversation about whether or not Larry deserved a silent, pre-commercial clock tick. Short answer: No. Now, let me elaborate: Heeeellllll no. Just because Larry was “technically” one of the good guys, doesn’t mean he deserves special treatment. In fact, it’s my opinion that Larry really did more harm than good, giving Jack the runaround, using way more cliches than should be permissible in any kind of cop drama, and providing dead-weight sexual tension in his relationship with Renee. Goodbye Larry, we hardly knew ye.

On to bigger and better things. Last night, secret agents gassed Hodges’ lawyer, snuck into the White House and offered the crazy-eyed patriot the red pill, Matrix style. After helping Galvez escape with the bio-weapon, Tony shoots himself in the side and proceeds with a weak story about an ambush and how it all happened so quickly and he’s pretty sure Larry saved his life. I expected more from the former CTU agent-gone-bad-gone-good-gone-bad-again. Jack, as doped up on bio-fumes as he is, smells a rat immediately when he notices inconsistencies in the bullet casings. Meanwhile, Tony skulks around the FBI’s observation camp making not-so-subtle phone calls to Galvez. He feeds him intel and instructs the recruit to rig an abandoned building with C4, lure the FBI in and then blow the thing. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 19, 2-3 a.m.” »

Bookmark It

TONY, TONY, TONY: Here we go again…

Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa.

This episode was almost too much to handle. In a good way. Explosions, subterfuge, family reunions … almost all of my favorite parts of ‘24′ were in full effect last night. The midnight-1 a.m. hour ticked to a close last week as President Taylor frantically called off the air strike on Starkwood. Hodges revealed he’d armed 13 python missiles with the bio-weapon and already had three of them pointing at American cities, ready to launch should the government try to interfere with Starkwood. He forced the President into a face-to-face meeting where, this week, he promptly proceeds to try and blackmail her for “a seat at the table.” In short, he wants Starkwood to become the fifth branch of the military with input and influence on the country’s foreign and domestic strategies. Like any terrorist worth his salt, Hodges has typed up his whole plan and had it professionally bound and laminated. High marks for both presentation and lunacy.

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 18, 1-2 a.m.” »

Bookmark It

BLOODY MERRY: I don't want to hit you in the face with my Tiffany decanter, but I will.

What do Angelina Jolie and Larry Moss have in common? They both effing hate Jon Voight.

Voight, as you know by now, plays Hodges, the jilted, militaristic, crazy-eyed SOB who runs Starkwood. Hodges took a turn toward extra crazy last night, which left him with blood on his hands and Darth Vader in his larynx: “… A country I’ve served faithfully for 30 years!!!” (His octave freefall also reminded me of Jafar in Disney’s Aladdin, when he transforms into giant Jafar … anyone?) We’ll get to Hodges’ trail of dead a little later.

Starkwood’s band of mercenaries has Larry and co. stonewalled in front of an empty warehouse. (The President of the United States sent you? Never heard of her.) Hodges rolls up in his Hummer and tells Larry to beat it. Back at FBI headquarters, a shaky but coherent Jack contacts Doug Knowles, a Starkwood boardmember who’d been cooperating with the late Sen. Mayer’s investigation. He agrees to help Tony locate the bioweapons. This means Larry must create a diversion. So Larry does what he does best — act like a prick — which gets him punched in the face and allows Tony to disappear into the shadows.

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 17, midnight-1 a.m.” »

Bookmark It

WEAPONS? What weapons? Oh, those weapons…

This week’s episode opened with a downtrodden Jack perched on the side of the interstate next to a hijacked semi robbed of its very precious cargo. Jack curtailed the bio-weapon threat the previous hour by plugging a leak and exposing himself to the chemical only seconds before Starkwood swooped in and airlifted the WMDs straight out of the 18-wheeler.

CDC meds arrive on the scene this week in full-on body suits and command Jack to get undressed, which he does right there in the middle of the road. No one holds up a sheet or anything (I’m not complaining…), but our view was strategically obscured by some indefinable blur in the foreground. Foliage? The back of someone’s head? Stray woodland creature? At any rate, we finally know that Jack’s definitely a boxers guy.

Jack gets hosed down, tested and quarantined. Meanwhile, Hodges and his boys are trying to “convince” Tony to reveal what the FBI knows with the help of their fists and a chain-link fence. Hodges tries to play the Michelle card, telling Tony he’s familiar with his file. (It’s apparently crazy easy to get your hands on people’s files. Who hasn’t read everyone’s file at this point?) Greg Seton interrupts to tell Hodges they should destroy “the evidence” i.e., the bio-weapons. Hodges disagrees strongly and leaves in a huff, barking to Tony, “Think about what I said young man!”

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 16, 11 p.m.-midnight” »

Bookmark It

FILL 'ER UP: This mug ain't for coffee.

We left off last week down one U.S. senator, one paid assassin, and a whole lotta Jack’s cred. This week, Larry Moss was on site at Sen. Mayer’s house, “investigating” the politico’s murder and playing effortlessly into the bad guys’ hands. Moss truly is this season’s answer to the blindly bureaucratic impediment to progress (formerly held by such brown-nosers as  Miles Papazian (Stephen Spinella) in previous seasons). Jack brings Tony up to speed on evildoers and bio-weapons and whatnot via cell, while Moss unleashes the sass on Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin, telling him he advised against allowing Jack to interrogate Burnett a second time. Ethan takes a second, takes a seat and takes his resignation to President Taylor. As Ethan justifies his resignation to the president, he explains his complicity in Bauer’s alleged killing spree. The president responds with, “It doesn’t make any sense!”

Hello??!!! Anyone listening? At least one of season seven’s one-dimensional characters was drawn with a slightly thicker Sharpie. Does this mean that they call off the hounds? Not so much.

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 15, 10-11 p.m.” »

Bookmark It

NO YOU LISTEN: I will not rest until I totally f%#! this up.

Last week, Jack and Bill thwarted Juma’s presidential assassination attempt at the expense of Bill’s life. Bill was one of CTU’s last remaining vestiges, not to mention a salt-and-pepper sexpot of older man-ness. Bill’s final words sent Jack to former Bauer tourturee Ryan Burnett’s hospital room to intimidate some information out of him, where he was was promptly murdered by a third party, leaving Jack conveniently framed for the killing. Jack gave lead FBI schmuck Larry Moss a call to let him know he didn’t do it, but of course, Larry doesn’t buy it. So it goes with schmucks.

This week opened with Jack on the run. He hot-wires a car, commandeers the owner’s laptop, and hacks into the hospital’s security system to identify the attacker. Hey — he’s Jack Bauer. It’s what he does. Renee, who Moss has suspended for colluding with “wild card” JB, gets a call from you know who to ID the killer. Renee pauses dramatically before agreeing to do so and sends Jack the encrypted file. Larry returns as the transfer is completing, pats Renee on the head and sends her home. Larry barks to Janis that he suspects Renee, and pulls the old “tap into her system, find who she’s talked to in the last hour,” etc.

Meanwhile, Mr. Chloe O’Brian (Morris) is waiting in the conference room to find out about his wife, who’s been in holding the past couple of hours/episodes; Olivia’s at the President’s right hand in the Oval office when Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin comes in to fill in Madame P. about Burnett’s death; and Jack’s on his way to Sen. Mayer’s house to follow a lead about hospital assassin John Quinn’s relationship to Starkwood, a defense contractor the senator’s been investigating for the past six months.

Continue reading “‘24:’ Episode 14, 9-10 p.m.” »

Bookmark It