Daily Loaf

It’s not like most men have to worry your vagina isn’t going to be the right size.

They don’t lie awake at night thinking about what an awesome girl you are and wondering what they’ll find when they move to the bedroom.  I know a lot of women who are a fairly open bunch; not one of them has ever taken me aside and explained to me how they feel un-confident in bed because of a “saggy vag.” 

No, what men worry about when it comes to the physical aspects of the female form is displayed nicely in front of them the minute they see us. Though we have the ability to slightly mask these things (I am a TOTAL Spanx addict, but we’ll address that later) and I know a few girls who have purchased stock in bras that contain air or water, it is by no means the same for the men.

I have heard the horror stories of my close friends and relatives (yes, my family is crazy, I inherited it) who thought they had met the men of their dreams, perfect in every aspect, Prince Charmings … only to have that dream crushed when the pants are off… literally. I myself have experienced an evening or two with a guy who had just about everything I (thought I) wanted at the time: He was cute, bearded, young and malleable, only with a penis so thin it felt like he was trying to stab me with a letter opener.

It’s just unfair. You build up our hopes and dreams — we have that nice little house all built in our heads, you know the one with the eggshell paint and the blue shutters — and suddenly it all comes crashing down along with our once-healthy libido.

Now I am not one for some gigantor man piece by any means; in fact, too big can be downright scary. Just like men and boobs, there are men who like small itty bitty boy boobs and there are girls (somewhere I’m sure) who like cute little man bits. All I ask is that it be made a little more conspicuous … some of us don’t go for the junk grab on the first date, some of us are even trying to bring back old school dating where condoms are saved for sometime … oh, I don’t know, after date #2?

So if you boys could all just… I don’t know, wear a tiny pin with a doctor’s note indicating what you might have in store for us, that would be lovely.

Hell, we could go as old school as to pin the girls you’re seeing… cute.

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