Daily Loaf

For a cast of superhuman freaks, you would think Heroes would have some power over the future of their show. Unfortunately, Heroes’ kryptonite is cancellation. Since the start of the third season, “Volume Three: Villains,” there has been speculation that the show could be dropped. Given the rumors, I have listed a set of tips that could help save the show. I hope they work because, if they don’t, I’ll be out of a good show on Monday nights. And God knows I don’t plan on settling for the ultra-hyper-child Howie Mandel and his godforsaken Deal or No Deal.

1) Lose the cheerleader. Claire Bennet, played by Hayden Panetierre, must go. Spontaneous regeneration was interesting at first, but I’ve come to the realization that that means she can never die. She will always be around. Heroes must find a way to end this. I’ve had enough of her bitching and moaning. She gets shot twice in the stomach, her body spits the bullets out and heals itself, then she continues to sulk. I can only take so much of her playing the downtrodden, troubled teenager, which, for people who don’t watch the show, she is not. The girl gets everything she wants. Also, I can’t watch her fight crime in eight-inch stilettos and Gucci sweater vests any longer. It’s like fashion week every day at the Bennet house…

2) Bring back the old Sylar. Since when does the ultimate villainous badass bake cookies in argyle sweaters? Before, he was scalping enemies with his finger and picking their brains, now, he and Betty Crocker are getting their periods at the same time. This guy used to be worthy of praise from Hannibal Lecter. I want to see more of Sylar in black trench coats trolling for potential victims. Although, I don’t mind seeing him in captivity because the man knows how to wear the hell out of a wife beater and sweatpants. But, I need some thrills. Heroes, please stop giving Sylar feelings and set him on the loose so we have some evil to fear. When you name the third season “Villains” and then turn Sylar into a soccer mom, you are sending some serious mixed signals.

3) Nathan Petrelli’s religious experience? Not so much. For those of you who don’t watch: Nathan gets shot, he then gets saved by the regenerative blood of a 400 year old named Adam Monroe; he wakes up, and immediately becomes a fundamental Christian, assuming that God has saved him. He stumbles to the church next to his hospital and gives a phony spiel about promising to be a disciple and a bastion of all that is good. Come on Heroes, it was an interesting idea, but you could have made it seem more sincere. That was the least convincing religious conversion since Michael Vick “found Jesus” during his indictment for dog fighting. And Nathan wasn’t very faithful to his promise. Yes, he read the Bible in a couple episodes, but then he went and had a one-night stand with the chick that freezes people. So much for the Ten Commandments.

Since Prison Break jumped the shark, Heroes is the only show I have to look forward to after every shitty Monday I have. I can’t afford to lose this show, so they must make some changes fast before they get cancelled. Hopefully, with Claire gone, with Sylar back to his mischievous deeds, and with the secularization of Nathan, the show can remove its head from the network’s guillotine.

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