Daily Loaf

Illustration by stopmangohome

How do bartenders make money? By selling drinks to thirsty people and hopefully receiving a generous percentage in return. To maximize this symbiotic relationship, a bar needs customers, product and access all in good measure.

Now put yourself in the scene at a local watering hole on a recent Friday night. There are people everywhere, at least three to four deep at the bar. Bartenders and guests alike are shouting to be heard. Lots of men in Ed Hardy shirts and women exposing most of what, if not their mama, then the doctor gave them. There’s component number one.

Look at all the shiny, liquid-filled bottles behind the bar. Some are caramel-colored, some golden, some clear and some are even green. All are enticing with a promise of escape and relaxation. There’s component number two.

However, there’s a problem with component number three: no one can make it to the bar. Why? Someone has brought their six-year old and he’s sitting in a stool, strewing bread all over and taking up valuable real estate. You’ve had a hard week. The last thing you need is someone’s failure to use a condom coming between you and blissful oblivion. It’s not cute, it’s annoying. What’s next? Are you going to let him slide up and down the pole at the Mons? This isn’t Romper Room, it’s a BAR! (My two children, by the way, are adorable and almost never seen in a bar. Except for that day after Christmas 2004 and we don’t talk about that anymore)

Meanwhile, another very pretty bartender, after making a gentleman a whole gaggle of drinks, has just asked whether he’d like to cash out or start a tab. He states he’d like to start a tab. She says, “Fine. May I have your first name?” He says, “Why?” Oh, I don’t know, because there are about two hundred people in the bar and Mike in the green shirt sounds better than Mystery Asshole?

Better make it a double, and I’ll by a drink for my short friend at the bar ….

Posted in Drink, Food and Restaurants, Uncategorized | Leave a comment