Daily Loaf

My cat, Morpheus, is a molester and it’s my fault, well mine and my ex-boyfriends.   Ever since my ex and I broke up, Morpheus has been humping my butt! 

I’ve woken up the past couple of mornings to a blaring alarm clock and this strange feeling on my ass, only to look back and see him kneading and humping it through the covers.  He’s fixed so it’s kind of disturbing.  All I can think is that CSI is going to come into my bedroom and find cat sperm all over my comforter and I’ll be labeled a cat fucker!! I swear it freaks me out.

I really think the problem is that my cat is stressed out because my boyfriend and I broke up and now he’s some sort of cat sexaholic, humping my ass to relieve stress or alleviate tension. Not only is the breakup hard on the ex and me, it’s also freaking out my cat.  I know that animals pick up on human emotions but did my sweet innocent kitty, pick up on the change in emotions after my ex and I had sex? 

This leads to a more disturbing question, how often was my cat watching us have sex to pick up on this?  The fact that he only does it in the morning when the alarm clock goes off is another reason why I think he learned it from the ex and me.  We’d always have sex in the morning after turning off the alarm clock.  My ex would roll over me; turn off the alarm and the next thing I would know is morning wood slipping into my vagina and the cat sitting at the bottom of the bed, apparently taking notes.

Morpheus is either humping out of stress or because we inadvertently trained him that when the alarm goes off, it’s time to have sex.  I don’t know many trained cats, I once had one that would fetch bottle caps, but humping on cue is a completely different story.   Is there a demand for that?  I think he’s probably the wrong type of pussy to be fucking on cue to make any money.  If he could only make enough to pay for the cat Prozac I’m going to have to get him because I’ve scared him so deeply.  I keep having  to yell at him to stop and knock him off my butt and bed.  I don’t want to hurt his little pink penis, but I don’t want to be feeling it rub back and forth on my ass either.  I know that it’s not his fault he’s humping my butt, but who can blame him, he’s just like all the other men in my life, wanting to get up on my ass!!

My only conclusion is that my breakup has caused my cat  to need drugs and it’s definitely time for a new alarm clock.

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