Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen sets box office records, is completely savaged by the critics (including me)
June 25, 2009 at 12:13 pm by Joe Bardi[Ed. Note: We've got plenty of Transformers stuff going on on Daily Loaf. In addition to my review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, we've got more posts about Megan Fox than you can shake your wank at. Enjoy.]
My worst fears have come to pass. The God-awful Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has opened with a huge $16 million take from Tuesday night’s midnight screenings. That’s not a record-breaker for a midnight opening, as The Dark Knight cleared $18 million in its late-night bow, but TDK debuted on a weekend-kickoff Friday and not a lame, non-holiday hump day. The $55 million the film grossed on Wednesday is a new high for an opening on that day of the week, besting Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which grossed $44 million on a Wednesday way back in 2007. The conventional wisdom has the film grossing at least $160 million over the five-day weekend. (The news isn’t all bad: Director Michael Bay has said he won’t make a third Transformers film. Woo hoo!)
What a crock of shit! This would be a national embarrassment, were it not for the fact that the movie is already doing huge business overseas as well. I guess that makes this an embarrassment for the entire human race. In case you’re on the fence about hitting the multiplex this weekend, here’s a sampling of the critical reaction to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen:
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. … If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.” —Roger Ebert, in the Chicago Sun-Times
“Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is proof positive that not every summer action blockbuster has the mettle to be a franchise. This sequel to the clever and funny first Transformers not only is disappointing, it will give most people a throbbing case of metal overload.” —Claudia Puig, in USA Today
“… But that’s the perverse genius of Michael Bay. Despite the tediousness of his stories and inanity of his visual ideas, he always manages to keep you laughing and shaking your head in disbelief at the outlandishness of his cinematic spectacles, with their orange explosions, armament fetishism and even their noxious stereotypes. The man just wears you out and wears you down, so much so that it’s easy to pretend that you’re not ingesting 2 hours and 30 minutes of warmongering along with all that dumb fun.” —Manohla Dargis, in The New York Times
“Although there are female Autobots and Decepticons in the Transformer universe, they are rare and none make it into the movie, which is too bad because “Revenge” could sure use a woman’s touch. The only significant female presence comes from Sam’s slightly crazy mom (Julie White) and Fox, who despite wearing tight white jeans as she stumbles across the desert and jumps through any number of crumbling buildings, manages to stay remarkably clean except for that fetching smudge on her cheek.” —Betsy Sharkey, in the LA Times
“I defy anyone to explain to me what the hell is going on in any of Transformers action sequences, beyond simple descriptions like “the robots are fighting” or “the humans are running.” … Besides Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and a few others, the rest of the Transformers all blend into one. The Decepticons in particular are all different shades of silver, making them nearly indistinguishable. Am I the only one who thinks they look like the talking trees from Lord of the Rings?“ —Joe Bardi (The author of this post) in Creative Loafing.
“I didn’t have a stop watch, but it seemed to me the elephantine action scenes were pretty much spaced out evenly through the movie. There was no starting out slow and building up to a big climax. The movie is pretty much all climax. The Autobots® and Deceptibots® must not have read the warning label on their Viagra. At last we see what a four-hour erection looks like.” —Roger Ebert, in a second full-length review posted to his “Journal” page!
And an excerpt from the best review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen that I have seen is humanly possible to write (titled “Michael Bay Has Finally Made an Art Film”):
“So, to sum up: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is one of the greatest achievements in the history of cinema, if not the greatest. You could easily argue that cinema, as an artform, has all been leading up to this. It will destabilize your limbic system, probably forever, and make you doubt the solidity of your surroundings. Generations of auteurs have struggled, in vain, to create a cinematic experience as overwhelming, and as liberating, as ROTF.” —Charlie Jane Anders, writing for io9
Even more reviews are available here, here, here and a collection of reviews here. Any chance I can talk you into going to see Away We Go instead?
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