Daily Loaf

At dinner the other night, a friend revealed her recent drunken sexual debauchery, which involved a certain dairy product usually reserved for cereal. There were four of us in attendance, myself, the debaucherist and my good friends, “the twins” (actual people who are twins… not my breasts). We are a fairly close group and it’s safe to say that we have a “no limits” policy when it comes to sharing. So, when it came to this kinky topic, we listened intently.

It should be known that the debaucherist suffers from a bit of a problem: she lacks the ability to choose her partner. She is a VERY attractive girl from South Africa, but she isn’t very personable. Many men have asked me why she is, “cold and distant.” I don’t have an answer. Maybe she just looks too hard. Either way, this causes her to make more than a few poor choices.

This most recent bad decision involved a man and a tub of yogurt.  He was an old friend in Asia via South Africa. She figured that if she couldn’t pick up anyone new, she might as well go with “ole’ reliable.”

Everything was going according to plan until “Ole’ reliable” failed to live up to his name. He requested she wait a moment while he ran to the kitchen. Facing the bitter disappointment of a man who can’t perform, she did as instructed, hoping a Viagra was in the works… alas, no. He came back from the kitchen with a tub of yogurt, telling her he intended to smear it in unmentionable places.

This is when we address the hotness/kinky scale. I have done a few things in my sexual life that would make a few people blush, but I can proudly say I have never had yogurt on anything other than oatmeal. After she told the story, in which we learned that yogurt should be warmed a little before being applied to skin, we all questioned how ridiculously attractive this mystery lactose fan must be.

It seems the twins and I used the same hotness to kinky ratio scale and that our dear debaucherist had never heard of such a thing. In her desperation to hook up, she had forgotten a few of the golden rules.

1- When looking for sex and sex alone, always go for the person that you are most sexually attracted to. Never you mind if he/she is the walking, talking equivalent of a modern day Forest Gump. You aren’t getting married and you most certainly won’t be discussing politics. Personality is NOT a factor.

2- When it comes to your rendezvous and their sexual fantasies, only go as far as their attractiveness will take them. For example, if I have chosen to sleep with a 8, I will only go up to an 8 on the kinky scale, which might involve positions I am not fond of or strange toys. If you are a 5 it’s missionary all the way.

3- Keep anonymous sex anonymous. No numbers or future plans. Nothing.

If you are actually looking to simply, “hook up,” these rules shouldn’t be hard to follow. It’s when you lie to yourself and pretend that you aren’t looking for a real relationship that you get in trouble.

When we finally got a look at Mr.Yoplait, we almost slapped the dear debaucherist. Not only was he unattractive, but he was vulgar, crass, and an overt asshole. A “3″ at best. She deserved a night free of a lackluster performance and a vitamin D injection. Ew.

When you go out, know what it is you are willing and ready to do. And always, ALWAYS refer to the attractive/kinky scale before anyone “runs to the kitchen.”

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