Daily Loaf

With Halloween approaching faster than an ADD kid jacked up on Snickers, much ado has been made about the sexification of female Halloween costumes. While some women feel that Halloween is the one day they can wear provocative outfits in public without being called sluts, others feel this trend increasingly objectifies women. I don’t know who’s right,  but I do know I have no problem with the sexification of male costumes.

Halloween gives me an excuse to be nearly naked in public, and for the rare woman who finds a man in a thong sexy, to objectify me instead of seeing me only as this supper smart and emotionally advanced writer. I admit that I don’t really know, or care, about the political correctness, or legality, of men prancing around in public in little more than underwear. Some may be offended, while others, like me, find male nudity hilarious. This trend can be spotted in the increasing reliance on male nudity in recent mainstream comedies: Walk Hard, Forgetting Sarah Marshal, The Hangover, Borat, Bruno…

Below is my list of ballsy Halloween costumes for men who like to be nearly naked in public, or who need a last minute costume that requires little material. I’ve listed the bare minimum of what you’ll need to pull these off. Keep in mind that the more time you spend getting the details right, the more likely people will appreciate your costume instead of thinking you’re just a lazy exhibitionist.

NYC’s The Naked Cowboy.
Bare minimum: Whity tighties, a magic marker, an acoustic guitar, a cowboy hat, and a smile.
Advice: Great for dudes who actually know how to play guitar.

Censored box:
Bare minimum: Black and red spray paint, cardboard, and boxing tape.

Indian/Caveman:
Bare minimum: A loin cloth.
Advice: If you look like you spend too much time at the gym, some will think this costume is pretentious. This may be funnier if you’re a large man and you’re comfortable with your body.

Chippendale’s Dancer
Bare minimum: Bow tie, cuffs cut from a white dress shirt, black pants, and black shoes.
Advice: Again, a great costume if you’re a large man and you love Chris Farley. If you have a nice body, you need to add some humor (i.e. a fluffy Patrick Swayze wig). Extra points for tear-away pants, a thong, and some rehearsed dance moves.

Chris Pontius‘ Party Boy
Bare minimum: A tracksuit with tear-away pants, cuffs cut from a white shirt, a bow tie, and your favorite thong.
Advice: This was my costume the year I moved to St. Pete and didn’t know anyone. When I showed up in a tracksuit, a woman asked in a snarky tone, “What are you supposed to be.” I said I liked to dance. I showed her a few moves then tore off my clothes and began grinding the shit out of her. After that, the host made me pull the same trick on everyone who arrived at the party late.

Chris Pontius’ Bunny the Lifeguard:
Bare minimum: Bunny ears, a bikini top, and sunglasses.
Advice: Can you tell I’m a Pontius fan. He’s one of the few dudes with a built body who can make male nudity funny.  Extra points if you wear roller skates.

Adam, as in Adam & Eve
Bare minimum: A fig leaf (real or fake), and some way to attach it.
Advice: Extra points if you can convince a woman to be Eve.

Borat
Bare minimum: This neon yellow thong, sold at any quality adult novelty store, sun glasses, and a mustache (real or fake).
Advice: Although this costume may require some sex shop browsing, after you get the suit, you’re set. This one is particularly good for tall, hairy men.

Ricky Bobby on fire:
Bare minimum: White helmet, gloves, shoes, socks, and whity tighties.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Pumpkin Heads
Bare minimum: A pumpkin, a carving knife, and a good pair of running shoes.
Advice: You don’t want to wear this costume the entire night, but it’s good for a quick sprint through your party, or down a street loaded with drunk adults. Remember there’s strength in numbers, and people will find you far less creepy if you find a woman to streak with you.

Superheros in undies
Bare minimum: the mask of your favorite superhero and matching underwear.
Advice: Get creative and reinvent a superhero. Consider the various reincarnations of Superman. So long as you have one unmistakable element of your superhero, people will get your costume, sort of.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Dick in any box
Bare minimum: Box, scissors, a set of balls.
Advice: Step 1–cut a hole in the box. Step 2–put your junk in that box.

Full body paint
Bare minimum: Body paint, someone willing to paint the places you can’t reach, and the ability to go balls out.
Advice: This takes a lot of preparation and is only appropriate in certain situations, like nudists resorts or Fantasy Fest. With that said, if done well, you will be an internet legend like Spiderman here. Not suggested for cold climates or people worried about their reputation. You can be guaranteed someone will take your picture and post it online.

---

Posted in Sex and Love, Uncategorized | Leave a comment