Daily Loaf

What Charlie Could Say To Win Back Voters

Dear Fellow Floridian:

As the people’s governor, I’ve been very busy. Not busy being governor, but  busy running around the state of Florida — a beautiful state full of nice people who own homes that aren’t worth half of what they paid for them — running for the U.S. Senate.

Let me tell you, running for the Senate is a full-time job, and this fella Rubio is on my heels.

So when the newspapers report about how I’ve taken the equivalent of ten weeks (50 days) off, I say “hogwash.” I want to be the people’s senator and that’s what the people want me to do — I know because my pollster told me so.  And mind you, facts and records like those about how much time off I’ve taken are important things, but the liberal media has it out for me. Plus (what the liberal media doesn’t tell you) a lot of those days I was off I was actually working on my tan, which is good for Florida in two ways. First, it benefits tourism by sending a message of “Come to Florida and get a tan like me” and second, it benefits the economy because tanning booth use helps power companies. So while this letter is all about apologizing for my lack of leadership, in this case I deserve a pat on the back.

But there are other serious issues that I would like to explain. I hope you will forgive me because the list is long. And I hope you will forget that my lack of leadership caused much of the mess we’re in. And I beg you, really, really beg you to forgive me because I wanna go to the U.S. Senate so bad I could pee.

First off, let me say to your children and grandchildren I am sorry for embracing Obamalism and supporting the “stimulus” plan. I knew it wouldn’t stimulate anything, but Obama was riding high in the polls at the time and I thought it would make for a cool picture to go down to Ft. Myers and hug on him. The stimulus plan added $787 billion to the federal deficit. That’s nearly a trillion dollars your kids will have to pay back. Of course, I touted that it meant you didn’t have to face a tax increase this year — as I just noted, your kids will get the bill. This type of pandering to current voters and dodging responsibility is what shallow politicians like me do best. Forgive me.

Let me say something about adding all those felons to Florida voter rolls. I did it. I think I might need them come November. Plus the folks over at ACORN asked so nicely I couldn’t resist. Anyhow, I’m sorry.

On the environment, I know I’ve flip-flopped. And I made a big blunder when I committed $1.75 billion for the Everglades land deal. Those were 2007 prices. We should have only paid $100 million. My pollster neglected to tell me that people think $1.75 billion is a lot of money for a swamp! Sorry.

As far as insurance goes, I know it’s a big mess. I have really ticked off State Farm and most other insurance companies you’ve ever heard of. So now they’re all leaving Florida and you’re left with coverage (if you’re lucky) from Citizens, which is woefully underfunded. Or you’re stuck with some new company with a name like “Dodge ball Insurance Company” or “Praying for No Storms Mutual” — either way, none of these companies will be solvent if “the big one” hits. For making this mess so bad, I say, Bill Nelson started it when he was Insurance Commissioner but I’m sorry for making it worse. Thank God we haven’t had a storm or I’d be outta here!

Back a few years ago I promised I would make taxes “drop like a rock.” I hear you about how the falling property taxes you pay are actually the result of lower value on your home and that it is a moot point what you pay in taxes if you can’t pay your mortgage. And as has been pointed out to me, I did raise $2.2 billion in new taxes which are hardly taxes dropping like a rock. For lying to you and playing this smoke and mirrors game, I say once again I have sinned. Please forgive me.

As far as the issue of the appointment of Senator George LeMieux, let me say this: I am sorry I appointed him because he’s doing a good job and that makes me look bad! That backstabber even had the nerve to post a “debt clock” in his Senate office. Hey George I helped add $787 billion to that clock and don’t you forget it!

Yes, I’ve appointed a lot of judges who are very liberal. Their lasting legacy will be around long after my tan has faded away once I’m out of office. I’m sorry. I guess my liberal views got in the way of my acting like a conservative. But my pollster did advise me to oppose that Puerto Rican lady to the U.S. Senate. I can’t remember her name, but you know the one I’m talking about. For only acting like a conservative and not actually being one, I humbly apologize. But hey, if it makes you feel better I not only don’t believe in a conservative ideology, I don’t have a liberal ideology either. I only have a “Charlie ideology” — that is, I believe in one thing: me.

Finally, and I know this is real inside baseball stuff here, it is regrettable that I have continued to support our inept Republican Party of Florida Chairman, Jim Greer. But I have to! He is the only bumbling idiot in the state who really makes me shine. So despite his gaffes, reckless spending of party funds and all-around zero value added to the equation presence, I will continue to support him.

And if I lose this Senate race, maybe the goon will remain loyal to me and continue to carry my bags.

So that’s it folks. My mea culpa. Now please, send money and don’t forget to vote Crist!

Charlie Crist
The People’s Governor

Chris Ingram is the president and founder of 411 Communications, a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of www.IrreverentView.com. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, Front Page Florida, and National Review online. E-mail him at: Chris@411Communications.net.