Daily Loaf

A ‘dating’ lifestyle for a single dad can be fraught with many nightmarish consequences. For example, I cannot bring a woman home without being asked what happened to the last woman I dated. My kids usually ask for her by name. Nothing kills a mood quicker than mentioning another woman’s name to your current date—except maybe calling your current date by another woman’s name.

Another problem mentioned in a previous article is when my date is noisy in bed. While this may give me an ego boost, it presents the problem of explaining those noises coming from daddy’s room. My kids seem to buy the “tickling” story, or at least they stopped asking questions about it. They are hardly stupid. They know more than they let on, but I’m completely afraid to ask how much they know. Believe me, telling them where babies come from is not enough to explain the reason behind the screaming. Sensuous, intimate, romantic lovemaking — this is where children and a family come from. What happens behind my closed doors with some dates has nothing to do with love or making babies. So, the question remains: how do I explain all of this to my children?

Recently one of my kids asked if I considered myself a swinger. I’m not sure if he knew what swinging really meant. However, I prefer honesty above all else… when I can. “Yes,” I told him. His mouth fell open and his eyes grew wide. Before I explained what swinging was, I told him it was imperative that he not tell his siblings. He swore to secrecy and I felt reasonably sure…that he’d tell at the first opportunity. Still, I explained swinging this way:

“Son, after all of you kids go to bed, I sometimes sneak out. I know it’s wrong to leave you, but sometimes I need a little ‘play’ time—just like you.”

“Really?”

“That’s right, son. And I can’t have you seeing me. Some of you might lose respect. You understand?”

“Yeah. What do you do?”

“Well, I make sure the coast is clear, turn out all the lights, sneak around to the backyard, and swing on the swings using no hands.”

My son glared at me in amazement, sure he had just become privy to some radical, adult ritual that no other kid on the planet knew about.

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