Daily Loaf

When approaching any piece of media, it’s vital to engage the work on its own terms. What are the creators trying to accomplish? Do they have a specific audience in mind or message they’re trying to convey? How did they use the resources at their disposal?

So it would be unfair to judge the second Brady Bunch porn parody, Not The Brady’s XXX Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, on the quality of the acting, writing, or cinematography. It makes no claims to excellence or even competence in any of these areas (and a good thing, too). It’s a porn movie that parodies an already ridiculous, previously parodied TV show, The Brady Bunch. Its goals are to turn you on with hot, XXX sex and to make you laugh. Sadly, it doesn’t do a very good job at either.

Let’s start with the laughs and then we’ll get to the sex. The movie takes place in the “B” household, with all six step-siblings, mom, dad, and Alice. The house and especially the super-fake backyard set all do a fine job mocking the classic Brady Bunch sets. The go-go boots, brightly colored shirts and little skirts and dresses all seem both seventies and sexy enough. It’s borderline creepy that the adult actors, young as they may be, are all referred to as “teens” and even, I think, “kids” throughout the movie. Young, pig-tailed, flat-chested (thank god someone doesn’t have fake boobs) Cindy really seems too young, but I trust that they’re all adults so, OK, let’s roll with it.

The plot involves a singing contest and a chance to win a date with a dreamy teen idol. Disaster strikes when an explicit letter signed by Marcia falls into Mom and Dad’s hands and she gets grounded. Marcia denies authorship, but they don’t believe here. Eventually the truth comes out, the mystery is solved, the contest won, and the date had.

There are only one or two genuinely funny scenes in this movie. One involves the Not Brady girls reading the letter aloud to each other. It’s hardcore stuff and the actresses pull some laughs out of their innocent and shocked, but still turned on, characters. There’s also a hilarious moment right at the end, just as the money shot is about to happen, when Marcia falls off a bench and the actor rushes over to finish his business while they’re both trying not to laugh. Clearly an actual blooper. Otherwise, the flick is filled with lame jokes and obvious innuendo. It suffers from the pitfall of all parodies: it’s duller and more annoying than the subject it mocks. Even Ron Jeremy’s comedic turn as Sam the Butcher offers little of interest and no jokes that weren’t done better in the Brady Bunch movie.

But what about the sex!?!? Well, there’s a lot of that. The movie is an alarming 2 hours and 40 minutes long and offers typical pro-porn, three position, facial-finish sex scenes, one after the other. There’s a small spectrum of clean shaven body types on display, half silicone enhanced, half not; a few lesbian scenes, a couple three ways, and one solo. It’s all rote, by the numbers, mainstream pornography that I found dull, even by my generous and forgiving porn standards.

I think it is more the missed opportunity that drives me nuts and makes me resent this movie. Really, it’s just average porn when it could have been something much more (or at least a little) interesting. But this film shies away from taboo and controversy, ignoring the obvious, wonderful, erotic possibilities of guilt free incest! The source of erotic tension for all of us dirty-minded, red-blooded Brady Bunch viewers was the fact that the boys and girls weren’t related by blood, and were all living under the same roof. Who didn’t imagine Greg and Marcia getting it on when they shared the attic room? The possibilities for technically forbidden, but not really gross three, four, five, and six ways with these characters boggle the mind. And you get none of that. Not even a hint. Every single sex scene involves someone from outside the house having sex with one of the “kids.” There’s not even a scene that has two of the Not Bradys in it at the same time.

I wasn’t expecting much from this parody porno, but I was expecting some damn balls. But no, this is vanilla, dull, and yes, inoffensive porn. I can’t imagine why anyone would be interested, nor do I think anyone will come away after nearly three hours with anything but the most desultory and fleeting satisfaction. I’d go re-watch Bernardo Bertolluci’s The Dreamers again instead. Actually, I think I might do that right now…

Posted in Sex Reviews, Sex and Love, Uncategorized | Leave a comment