Daily Loaf

“Some people think that when the party ends the night is over, but I’ve found it’s when the music stops and the lights come up that the real trouble begins. You better get your beauty rest now, because it looks like things could get ugly in the morning.”  — xoxo Gossip Girl

Photo courtesy Giovanni Rufino / The CW

Becoming a debutante is one of the most important rites of passage a young girl experiences in high society: white dresses, hot escorts (whom you will fuck later, it is your duty as a new lady of society,) and waltzing — which you will never do again. But apparently, the Upper East Side does not exactly follow these rules. There was no white in sight, the band was playing a song called “Bitch” (not the best song to waltz to), and absolutely no fucking. Between stepbrother’s boyfriends as escorts, a former queen B’s love passed down to the next generation, and the promise of a threesome … all of these things should have added up to a steamy episode. Not exactly.

Let me first address the elephant in the room. Last week’s preview of Gossip Girl promised us a threesome and we got one – I guess. After Olivia finds out she has to leave college to do the fourth series in her line of Twilight rip-off movies, Dan and Vanessa decide she needs to complete a list of 15 things you have to do before you graduate — of course including a threesome, because no one leaves college without doing a threesome obviously.

Even though Dan tries to hide that particular escapade on the list, once Olivia finds it her drunken desires come out. And Olivia, Dan, and Vanessa decide to have at it. But all we see is a little make-out sesh, followed by the three of them sleeping together in one bed later on which is when the most exciting part of this threesome happens. She gets a text saying the movie is canceled and she is staying in college — meaning this drunken night of passion will not end the next morning when she gets on a plane. Welcome to awkwardness, but I guess roommates that sleep with each other and their boyfriend/ex-boyfriend stay together?

Dan was not the only Humphrey caught in a sick love triangle. It is Little J’s turn to come out to society in her debutante ball, and all she wants is the perfect escort — Graham Collins. But everyone seems to be getting in Little J’s way lately; she is making her mark as queen and not everyone likes it.

Eric was the first to step up in the ruining of J’s coming out party. He schemed with Blair Waldorf to make sure the new nobody, Kyra, went with Graham, and Jenny was left on the steps with no escort. Humiliated, dateless, and still not out to society, Jenny Humphrey doesn’t back down easily. Instead, she calls her long lost flame (and ex-queen Blair’s ex-boyfriend) Nate Archibald, the most elite of the elite of escorts. Jenny came out on her terms with ugly half-black gloves, black nail polish, and the hottest and most unexpected escort. Looks like Jenny is here to stay and ready make her own path at Constance.

Although Serena and Blair may be done with Constance, their petty fights sure seem very high school. After weeks of scheming against her each other, pushing each other into cakes, and avoiding each other at all costs, Chuck of all people takes charge and makes them make up — and also suggests they make out (but that’s why we love Chuck). By luring Blair to the penthouse with the promise of wild Chuck and Blair sex, he lures Serena as well with a fake apology text from Blair. He then sticks them in an elevator together and comes on over the intercom (only proving my theory that Chuck Bass is God) and tells them they can’t come out until they are friends again. So with a heart to heart in close quarters, an apology, and several confessions, the two are besties again and all is right with the world.

Although this week may not have really came through with the promise of a threesome, the Upper East Side doesn’t need a threesome to be steamy, sexy, and fabulous. Until next week,

You know you love me,

Gossip Girl

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