Daily Loaf

Each month Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Maxim, Men’s Health, and Playboy come out with rehashed articles recounting the health benefits of sex. I don’t need “fitness experts” to tell me that most any type of moderate physical exertion has health benefits (see declaimer below). This is not one of those articles. This blog is an open letter to adult entertainment companies, urging them to produce a sex-tape workout series.

Sure, everyone knows regular sex can be like a workout, what with the shortness of breath and the need for a towel afterwards, but few people know how to get the most of this workout. It’s an untapped market. Most everyone needs guidance on how to use the equipment(sex swings, sex ramps, restraints) and which positions burn the most calories. Pop and Peep culture have created an obsession with sex and body image, which have in turn caused a boom in the sex and health industries. It’s time to combine and capitalize on these markets.

Will it sell? Exhibit A: Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease-fifteen minutes of hot, steaming Read the rest of this entry »

Wed. April 1. Pornaoke at the Pegasus. There’s no better way to spend a Wednesday night than watching your friends karaoke while grainy porn plays on the wall behind them. If the songs don’t have you laughing or moving, then the adult films will. The Pegasus Lounge http://www.pegasusniteclub.com/. 10pm. 10008 N. 30th St Tampa.

Fri April 3. Lesbian Party. Every Friday G Bar hosts a huge lesbian bash featuring DJ Taz spinning hip-hop and radio hits, female dancers, and 1$ drinks from 9pm-11pm. $5 cover for 21+. G.Bar 1401 E. 7^th Ave. Ybor City Tampa.

Fri. April 3. Grand opening of The Tilted Kilt Pub & Eatery in Carrollwood. Hot women in plaid skirts will be serving half priced drinks from 4-7p.m. and $3 Bud/Bud Light after 7p.m. 14457 N. Dale Mabry Highway. Read the rest of this entry »

Every week Apple comes out with new applications that iPhone users hold over the heads of the technologically disadvantaged, like me, still trying to turn on our blackberries. The first wave of applications featured technology like the lighter, beer pour, or light saber. These features were cool, but they were little more than toys. However, Apple is increasingly coming out with applications that are actually useful. While I wouldn’t necessarily use the new Grindr application, which is geared towards locating gay and bigay men in the area, I know I’m going to miss out on the next wave of futuristic jedi-phone tricks: the breathalyzer, lie detector, x-ray vision, orgasm ray, pick-up-line generator… basically all the things that can turn a technosavy metro sexual into a nerdy superhero.

While privacy is an issue for all location based social networks, it is of the utmost importance Read the rest of this entry »

Cloris Leachman’s new autobiography goes beyond the standard Hollywood struggles and anecdotes, disclosing insight into her celebrity sex-capades.

Below are a few excerpts from the April 7 release, Cloris, including this classic description of epic sex with Gene Hackman.

“As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together… We didn’t finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven’t seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was.”

In another passage Cloris describes a near sex encounter with “Mary Tyler Moore” costar Ed Asner:

“One day we made an agreement that I would have sex with him if he lost 32 pounds… He almost did it; he lost 29 pounds. We both got so disoriented at what we were facing that his weight shot back up, and our assignation never happened.”

Check out the full description of Cloris at amazon.com.

Sun., March 29. Bikini Contest. Strokers hosts a $1000 bikini, calendar girl contest the last Sunday of every month. To sign up, email floridasfinestbikinibabes@yahoo. 11pm. Strokers 11236 W. Hillsborough Ave. Tampa, Fl. 33635.

Mon. March 30. Lingerie Mechanical Bull Riding Contest. Think Urban Cowboy except with hotter girls and less clothing. $1 drinks all night. Girls in lingerie drink free. $1000 in total prize money. Strokers 11236 W. Hillsborough Ave. Tampa, Fl. 33635.

APRIL

Wed. April 1. Pornaoke at the Pegasus. There’s no better way to spend a Wednesday night than watching your friends karaoke while grainy porn plays on the wall behind them. If the songs don’t have you laughing or moving, then the adult films will. The Pegasus Lounge. 10pm. 10008 N. 30th St Tampa. Read the rest of this entry »

(NOTE: most links on this page are Note Safe for Work)

New Sensation has announced production of an XXX version of the sitcom Scrubs. The decision was made after the huge success of their film, The Office – A XXX Parody(Check out the trailer. Ashlynn Brooke kills as the lead with “That’s what she said” jokes). Titled Scrubs – A XXX Parody, the movie will include slightly altered (well endowed and silicon enhanced) versions of Scrubs characters: Elliot (Ellie played by Ashlynn Brooke), Carla (Marla by Thea Marie), J.D. (DJ by James Deen), Turk (Dirk by Shane Diesel), Perry (Larry by Jack Lawrence) and the Janitor (Janitor by Ralph Long). To ensure the female heavy ratio required of straight porn, several roles were created with no clear Scrubs counterpart: Tina (Joanna Angel), Vicki (Alexis Texas), Jayden (Tori Black) and Shelly (Missy Stone). Check out the side-by-side pictures at Fleshbot.com to see how the actors stack up.

The parody will likely deliver the kind of bad medical puns and bastardizations of hospital equipment that the real Scrubs characters would use if they attempted to shoot a porno on the actual show. The XXX version will deliver just what audiences expect of a ridiculous dirty film. I don’t know why adult companies didn’t start making fun of themselves, and pop culture, earlier. These are the type of pornos that many hardcore Scrubs fans will actual watch, regardless of gender or sexual preference.

David Steinberg used to solicit sexual photos for Norway’s Cupido magazino(cupido.no), before cutting out the middle man and capturing the images himself. His photos aren’t your average nudes. They take a genuine and honest look at sex between real couples.

How does a third party, with a camera in his hand, encourage a couple to feel unselfconscious enough to share with the camera and the outside world the subtleties of their most intimate and private connection? After over 150 sexual photo shoots, that question is more intriguing to me than ever.

I work primarily with people in loving, long-term relationships, in the familiarity of their own homes. Each shoot is completely experimental. We all have to leave our expectations and preconceptions at the door. No one knows what will happen. Whatever happens will be fine. The worst thing that can happen is that we waste some time and some film.

To read the rest of the story visit SFGate.com. To see more explicit photos check out David Steinberg’s website

I apologize ahead of time that this post has nothing to do with nudity. But, if you’re in a long term relationship like me, hopefully this post will be more helpful than photos of 18 year olds on Spring Break.

A new study published in the March issue of Review of General Psychology, proves that romantic love doesn’t always die and get replaced by companionship love. This is good news for young couples wondering if their marriage can last, but bad for jaded couples hoping to justify divorce or cheating with the belief that romance always fades. However, lead researcher Dr. Bianca P. Acevedo, does make a distinction between romantic love and the mania/obsession of a new romance. “When taking a closer look, it seems like some people were still very much in love. They just weren’t crazy.”

So, if you’re looking for a long term relationship that will keep you obsessing, panicking every time your partner doesn’t return your text, and crying to your mother when he wants to have a boy’s night, you’re just going to have to find a new person each month to put up with your insanity. Read the rest of this entry »

Khloe Kardashian, the taller Armenian gypsy, has followed in the footsteps of her sister Kim in making a name for herself by taking off her clothes. Khloe joined the ranks of celebrity activists like Pamela Anderson in the PETA ad campaign: “Rather Go Naked.” I must admit, the pictures look pretty damn good. Granted, some heavy airbrush work was done, Khloe proves that tall, thick women can still be sexy–very sexy.

The question I always have is if in addition to fur, these PETA celebrities are contractually obligated to give up all leather accessories. How many cows die a year to support a celeb-utant’s shopping habits?

More proof the economic recession goes deeper than we thought. In Germany the credit crunch has forced brothel owners to change the way they do business, offering all-inclusive packages that not only cover sex, but also dinner and drinks. Here’s the thing. Do you really want to eat a bratwurst cooked at a brothel?

BERLIN (AFP) – Times are difficult down at Berlin’s Pussy Club where a new all-in service is on offer: 70 euros for girls, drinks and food.

Like many of its counterparts, the brothel has been hit by the credit crunch and has had to come up with its own stimulus package for a trade that was legalised in Germany seven years ago. Read the rest of this entry »

Cyp·ri·pho·bi·a: n.

1. A fear of prostitutes.

2.  An intense paranoia of contracting STDs.

Use: In St. Pete it is hard not to have crypriphobia when the aggressive bus-stop prostitutes follow you to your car, begging for a ride.

999 nudes as a marketing campaign–who came up with this promotional masterstroke? Ah yes, the British. Of course our more conservative cousins overseas have a bit more liberal understanding of the term “nude.”

999 naked members of the public gathered at London’s Jubilee Gardens on Sunday 15th March to launch Aer Lingus’ Pounds Sterling 9.99 – No Hidden Extra’s – fare from Gatwick.

The 999 Nudes swapped their day wear for skimpy Shamrock bikini’s – symbolic with St Patrick’s Day just around the corner.

The 999 assembled at Albert Embankment and marched along the South Bank until they reached the Jubilee Gardens where hundreds of site-seers turned their attention away from the likes of Big Ben and watched in amusement as the 999 Nudes enjoyed the early spring London sunshine. Read the rest of this entry »

50 nude men bicycled through the streets of Melbourne Australia in the yearly World’s Naked Bike Ride. I can’t help but think there is something more appealing, more productive 50 naked men could be doing, like raising awareness for saggy ball syndrome.

According to the organiser Heidi Hill, the cyclists completed the stretch accompanied by police, who escorted them from Fitzroy to State Parliament and back.

The nude ride which lasted for about an hour was completed without any trouble and with no arrests made unlike last year when male cyclists were asked to cover up “because men have exposed genitalia”. Read the rest of this entry »

Jenna Jameson finally gave birth to a set of twins with former UFC champ Tito Ortiz, making it now awkward to refer to her renowned fake breasts as “The Twins.”

The world-famous adult film actress went public with the news of her pregnancy in August, eight months after she announced her retirement from performing at the 2008 AVN Awards in Las Vegas.

“I can’t even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me,” she wrote in September on her My Space blog. “It has been my dream to have children for an extremely long time, and I truly feel like finally, the time is right and God has blessed me. I have never felt more like a woman, or more alive.

“Tito is happier than I have ever seen him, it is so fulfilling to see him so proud. He looked me in the eye today after our doctor’s appointment and said, ‘I’m the luckiest man on earth…thank you for having my babies.’ I cried.”

Jameson, 34, still operates Playboy-owned Club Jenna with her Read the rest of this entry »

College “sexzines” are springing up across the country faster than erections in Human Sexuality courses. It makes sense. College kids are desperate to get their poems, stories, art, and photography published. These magazines provide a forum for student work which will actually receive some attention. If any of you co-eds are lamenting the fact that your college doesn’t yet have such a publication, feel free to email me (shawn.alff@cln.com). CL is always looking for new Sex and Love bloggers.

Two curvy young women wearing only black thongs and high heels wash clothes in a dormitory laundry room at Wesleyan University. Meanwhile, a pair of young men, with and without towels, flaunt their rippling physiques in a university locker room. Read the rest of this entry »

The feud between rapper 50 Cent and Rick Ross heats up as 50 leaks a sex tape featuring Ross’s baby momma, Brooke on the internet. 50 Cent provides commentary throughout the video, “Time to Make a Movie,” under his alter ego Pimpin Curly.

Check out the full NSFW video at Hiphopruckus.com

Whiff of lav·en·der: n.

1.      A relationship or marriage that disguises one or both of the partners’ homosexuality.

Use: It is much easier to find a woman willing to have a whiff of lavender relationship if you have money or fame. Just look at Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

I don’t understand what the issue is in this case. A sex offender wants to be castrated to reduce his desire for sexual gratification from violence, but some are saying this is wrong. Are people worried the procedure will cost the tax payers money, because I know some ranchers who could do the procedure for relatively cheap. I think the real issue is that people are afraid he will get sexual gratification out of the castration itself.

PRAGUE – Pavel remembers the violent night sweats two days before the murder. He went to see a family doctor, who said they would go away. But after viewing a Bruce Lee martial arts film, he said, he felt uncontrollable sexual desires. He invited a 12-year-old neighbor home. Then he stabbed the boy repeatedly.

His psychiatrist says Pavel derived his sexual pleasure from the violence.

More than 20 years have passed. Pavel, then 18, spent seven years in prison and five years in a psychiatric institution. During his last year in prison, he asked to be surgically castrated. Having his testicles removed, he said, was like draining the gasoline from a car hard-wired to crash. A large, dough-faced man, he is sterile and has forsaken marriage, romantic relationships and sex, he said. His life revolves around a Catholic charity, where he is a gardener. Read the rest of this entry »

This story proves that you’re never too old to start exploring the kinkier sides of your sexuality. Still, I wonder how differently this story would read if, instead of a woman, it was a 62 year old man who suddenly decided he wanted to search the internet for kinky partners. Why is it that women who explore their sexuality well into old age are considered empowering feminine figures, while men who do the same thing are just dismissed as creepy perverts?

He stood there naked in my living room as commanded, feet apart, hands cuffed behind his back, eyes respectfully lowered, awaiting my next direction. I explored his body with gentle caresses first, readying him for my hand and heart-shaped crop to paint his buttocks with pink and red impressions. When he arrived at my door looking tense but eager, we went into my dining room to discuss what was going to happen, just as we had online, clarifying safety issues and reaching a comfort level of sorts. He was 39 and had never been with a dominant woman before, but had fantasized about it for years. I was 62 and about to play domme to my first sub, flushed with excitement and fueled by a mixture of 75 parts bravado, 10 parts disbelief and 15 parts pure glee. I had displayed some of my newly purchased toys-a red suede flogger, that heart-shaped crop, lube, gloves, and a large butt plug-on my dining room table like a bizarre eclectic centerpiece. He glanced at my array of tools and paled but smiled. I realized he had no idea that only my sofa pillows had ever felt the flogger’s lashes and everything else was equally untested. Including me.

Read the rest of this post as Carnalnation.com

Sat. March 14. Medical Fetish Party. Are you in the mood for some kinky sexual healing? Check out Fetish Factory’s medical-themed Fetish Party. Dress code is strictly enforced, so come out in your best dirty doc and naughty nurse outfits. $10 online.  $20 at the door. Purgatory Night Club. 1000 W. SR-84 Fort Lauderdale, FL 33315.

Sat. March 14. Fetish Circuit’s Monthly Bash. Tampa’s Fetish Circuit invites fellow fetish enthusiasts  to their monthly gathering at the Honeypot, which will offer a balcony view of the Rough Rider’s annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade on 7^th Ave. Attendants are also encourage to check out the monthly Tampa Munch earlier in the day at MyPlace Bar & Grille on Busch Blvd.

Sun. March 15. Spring Break Party w/ DJ Lauren Lane. SocialiteTravel.com and HRC VIP Events Presents: A Spring Break Kick-Off Party Hosted By Lauren Lane – Pacha NYC and the Hard Rock Calendar Girls! Lauren Lane is a New York City based DJ/Producer. Lauren regularly DJs at Pacha NYC and has also played at venues such as Cielo, Love, Sullivan Room, LeSouk, Water Taxi Beach, Deko, Bliss and Neptune Beach Club. She has also played at Karu and Y in Miami, as well as in Toronto at Century Room, Tryst and Lot 332. If you catch her set, you can expect to hear a mix of house/tech-house, minimal drums, deep, electronic, funky dance floor inspired beats. $15-$20. 10pm. The Kennedy Soho. 2408 W. Kennedy Blvd. Tampa, Florida.

Mon., March 16. Amateur Strip Contest. The 1^st & 3^rd Monday of each month The Penthouse Club Tampa holds a $1000 amateur contest for any women who think they know their way around a pole, and anyone interested in watching the display. Read the rest of this entry »

Prostitutes will have to dust off their pleather boots and return to hanging out at bus stops and pretending to talk on pay phones in order to solicit customers. Craigslist.org is cracking down on internet savy escorts advertising “erotic services.”

Craigslist released numbers Monday it touted as evidence of its success in reducing the volume of “erotic services” ads appearing on the Web classified site in an apparent response to a federal lawsuit that accuses the site of facilitating prostitution.

The number of ads for such services is down 90 percent to 95 percent during the past 12 months on Craigslist sites that serve five major U.S. cities, according to information posted on a company blog. The site credited the “spectacular” reduction on its joint effort with 40 attorneys general and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children it announced in November 2008, which included the introduction of new measures that require posters to the erotic section to furnish a working phone number and credit card:

Beyond the enormous reduction in ad volume, the ads that remain on the site are much improved in their compliance with our Terms of Use and local laws, in part due to screening measures developed in collaboration with the Attorneys General and law enforcement.

Read the rest of this article at ZDnet.com

When I initially read this post by Dr. Alex Benzer about how smart people have a harder time getting laid, I thought I finally figured out why I wasn’t the Don Juan I pretended to be: my massive intellect was cock blocking me. Unfortunately, involuntary abstinence can’t always be attributed to smarts. There are other factors to consider, such as my intimidating bulge. Yeah, that must be it.

I have a mini-confession to make: I wrote the Tao of Dating books specifically for really smart people. The writing of the books was precipitated by the endemic dating woes on the Harvard campus, as I observed them as an advisor and earlier, indulged in them as a student.

Those kids graduate and pretty much continue to have the same dating woes — only now with fewer single people around who happen to live in the same building and share meals with them every day. So if they had challenges then, it gets about 1,000 times worse once they’re tossed from the warm womb of their alma mater. Read the rest of this entry »

When I took Sex Ed, I didn’t know what a clitoris was, let alone what the hell I was supposed to do with one. Now, American teens are not only finding out about these sexual mysteries earlier, they can find free internet videos featuring sex acts never imagined by the creators of the Sex Ed curriculum. This distorted world of internet sex has given teens a skewed understanding of sexuality. It has also propagated some sexual myths (such as soda as a spermicide) that are impossible to confirm or deny on the unchecked conscious that makes up our virtual universe.

They’re a tech-savvy generation that has grown up with a world of information at their fingertips, often in the privacy of their bedrooms. So why do many teenagers believe that Mountain Dew can be used as a spermicide, that an HIV vaccine exists or that pills advertised online will really increase penis size? Read the rest of this entry »

I’m a professional fetish model who travels internationally with my kinky colleagues ;P

I’ve been working in this industry for a long time and have loved every minute of it. Read the rest of this entry »

Kathleen Rooney uncovers her experiences as a nude model in her new memoir, Live Nude Girl: My Life as an Object. Living in the Boston area, Rooney was a poet, professor, and author, but still had to pad her earnings with nude modeling for six years. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only writer who gets naked for an audience, but I’m a bit jealous that she actually got paid for it.

She’s a smart woman inhabiting a comely body, and she wastes no time taking it off at the top of her book: “The first thirty seconds of nudity are always the most jarring, charged for me and for those who are looking at me. The disrobing is a gentle shock, a surprise, a kind of eyewash, and the instant is electrified, more vivid than those that preceded it and those that will come after.”

Rooney examines nude modeling from every angle: historical, sociological and biographical. She explores the territory between female beauty and intelligence, art and pornography, object and observer – even the border between life and death – with insight and passion.

She balances the life of “Phryne” – a modeling sensation of ancient Greece – with Madonna’s nude photos for Lee Friedlander. She explains Greek vs. Judeo-Christian approaches to nudity and highlights the difficulty people have distinguishing art modeling from

Read the rest of this review written for the Los Angeles Times

If your looking for a place to bare it all this spring break, Trip Advisor has compiled a list of the top ten places to go nude. I still can’t believe St. Pete didn’t make the list. Not that you can go nude here, but I wouldn’t mind visitors testing the waters. All we need is ten or so beautiful people to get the trend rolling before the male dominated city council takes up the cause. We should really get a collection going to hire some suitable models to spearhead this campaign. If you wish to contribute, please send contributions to Alfie, care of Creative Loafing.

1. Au Naturel Club, Riviera Maya, Mexico

This Kantenah Bay Riviera Maya resort makes a clothing-optional vacation a truly luxurious experience. According to one TripAdvisor traveler: “Everyone is just there to relax and enjoy the sun and to unwind. I cannot think of a better place to do all of those things.” Read the rest of this entry »

A new gel may reduce the spread of AIDS by boasting cells resistance to the virus. A study appearing in the journal Nature, details how four of five laboratory monkeys exposed to an animal strand of the virus were protected from infection.

Odds are still better playing Russian Roulette, but I suppose it couldn’t hurt to lather this stuff on a jimmy hat before romancing the girl you met puking in the bathroom of Taco Bell at 3 in the morning. I’m just wondering how long before they come out with a lube form.

After years of failure, researchers are now finding drugs that help protect men and women during sex from the AIDS virus, called HIV for human immunodeficiency virus. The compound in the new study might be combined with other preventive drugs into a successful gel, said Ashley Haase, a University of Minnesota microbiologist who helped lead the research team in Minneapolis. Read the rest of this entry »

1. A derogatory nickname for a lesbian with facial hair.

2. The terms also refers to lesbian truck-drivers.

Thur., March 5. Floyd’s Ladies Night Thursday. Ladies get free cover and drinks until midnight. Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino 5223 Orient Road, Tampa, FL 33610.

Fri.- Sun., March 6-8. USF Conference “Anything But Safe: Sex, Sexuality, and Gender Conference“. An interdisciplinary graduate conference discussing sex, sexuality, and gender, and how these cultural constructions are anything but safe. $30. USF campus.

Fri., March 6. St. Pete’s First Friday. The first Friday of every month St. Pete throws a block party in the heart of the downtown bar district. Wondering how this qualifies as a Sex and Love event? After the music dies around 10p.m., thousands of drunk, single people flood the bars around Central Ave. for a night of debauchery. The 1st Friday of every month. 5p.m. – 2a.m. Free. Downtown St. Pete. Central Ave., between 2nd St. and 3rd St.

Mon., March 9. Lingerie Mechanical Bull Riding Contest. Every Monday night, Penthouse’s “Pet of the Year,” and adult film star, Stormy Daniels, hosts this lingerie and bull riding contest. Think Urban Cowboy except with far hotter girls and much less clothing. $1 drinks all night. Girls in lingerie drink free. 1^st 100 people get a free Stormy DVD.  $1000 in total prize money. Strokers 11236 W. Hillsborough Ave. Tampa, Fl. 33635. Read the rest of this entry »

TSA officers at Houston’s George Bush Intercontinental Airport mistook a sex toy for a weapon. The dildo was found in possession of gay adult studio owner Dennis Bell and members of his film crew. TSA officers became suspicious of the Vergenza Mk. I dildo because it was made out of aluminum instead of a more pliable material.

Personally, I don’t blame officers for their suspicions. A regular dildo is intimidating enough, but a metal, ribbed one could do some real damage, especially in the hands of one who knows how to use it.

Bell and company were returning to San Francisco from Rio de Janeiro after completing their latest hardcore orgy title, Suruba: Duro. The film features Vergenza toys as part of a partnership between the two companies.

“We were almost through security when one of our bags got pulled from the conveyor belt,” Bell said. “After three passes, they finally called for a manual bag check, and I knew exactly what was up. The TSA agent, who looked like an extra from Showgirls, pulled that foot-long, shiny dildo out of the bag and she was clearly confused.

“Our production manager, Leandro Marques, explained that it was a dildo, and Ms. Vegas was all, ‘I’ve never seen one like this before,’” Bell continued. “After every agent within shouting distance had a chance to ogle it, they told us that we couldn’t take it on the plane because it Read the rest of this entry »

I’m Meredith, a born and raised, Florida girl. I’m currently attending college in Sarasota, and majoring in a social science degree. If anyone is interested in my portfolio or resume, please contact me at Meredithml@yahoo.com.

Photos courteous of Craig Fisher of Dead Fish Photography

Email me if you are a photographer or model who would like to submit photos for “local model of the week” shawn.alff@cln.com Read the rest of this entry »

250 nudist swingers packed into one north Cairns resort in Australia. You do the math. 100 gay men draining the daiquiri machine. 100 single straight men with no business being naked. 50 women with breast sagging past their bellies. 30 herpes outbreaks. 10 maids who will quit after running out of rags to contend with sex stains. 1 billion stray pubic hairs…(feel free to add your own nudist math in the comments section)

The White Cockatoo is almost fully booked next month for its Adults Only promotion, a swingers’ romp where “almost anything goes”.

“It’s a totally clothing optional, adults only month with almost no rules applicable,” resort owner Tony Fox said. “Provided it doesn’t constitute a breach of the Australian law, they (guests) are welcome to do anything,” Read the rest of this entry »

It took every ounce of professionalism I could muster to tastefully cover the annual Nude Nite at Ybor City Warehouse. I hadn’t counted on how difficult it would be to remain calm and composed when trying to document an art show featuring over 100 provocative works of art in every median from canvas to skin.

Japanese lanterns dangled from the raw rafters while a DJ and an earthy drummer named Freedom took turns on the PA. A crowd ranging from classy art collectors to giggling college kids wandered through every conceivable depiction of the human form: a five foot phallus made from sheet metal, photos of nudes underwater, an unclothed Barbie trapped in a cage, a live model posing inside a glass booth accented with Christmas lights, a wire sculpture of a woman spread eagle, paintings of bare chest goddesses, and prints of bound erotic models. In contract to pornography, these works were meant to stir viewers’ intellects, even if it was by way of their baser instincts.

Every hour Baby Blue Star Productions took the stage, performing a burlesque act that could have been choreographed by David Lynch. Three fierce, punk-rock models lip sung, chased each other with double sided dongs, and took turns disrobing in the strobe of stage lights and camera flashes, stripping to torn fishnets, black lace panties, and electrical tape Xing out their nipples.

“Most people understand that you’re an exhibit,” said Maggie, from beneath an array of colorful sushi covering her nude body. “Every once in a while you want to say, ‘Hey buddy. Where are your chop sticks headed?-but Michael does a good job of fending those people off.”

[Images and slideshow after this break may be NSFW] Read the rest of this entry »

Dac•ry•phil•ia: noun
1. A sexual fetish involving tears or crying as a stimulus. It is often a form of humiliation in BDSM relationships which the dominant partner derives pleasure from causing the submissive partner to cry.
2. The pleasure and emotional release associated with crying.

Use: Many believe Oprah Winfrey has dacryphillia, as she seems to gets a strange pleasure from making her guests cry.

Like liquor stores and post offices, there’s never a good sex shop around when you need one.
Around eleven, my coworker Thao and I stumbled out of Dave’s Aqua Lounge on Gandy after being casually molested by a large man named Nacho.

We were headed for the sex shop down the street, BedTyme Stories. I had a $5 gift card with which to get something that would complement the raspberry Arbor Mist I bought my fiancée for Valentine’s Day. I doubted $5 would buy much more than a dick shaped lollipop, but I was banking on some Valentine’s Day discounts.

Considering that it is far less creepy to walk into a sex shop with an attractive woman, I recruited Thao. Having recently received a personal massager as a gift, and promptly wore it out, she was interested in finding a toy that could accommodate her. She was doubtful, however, claiming she preferred natural sex. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never met a woman who didn’t think sex was enhanced by modern vibration technology. Read the rest of this entry »

The porn industry has steadily grown to the point where adult entertainers like Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy are now more respected than reality show stars. But, for all of the industry’s Viagra-like growth, it too is not impervious to the economic downturn. The internet, which facilitated the rise of pornography, especially in niche markets, has inevitably detracted from sales. As virus-free porn sites like YouPorn and Redtube, pop up, those feeling the economic pinch can now get their adult fix for free.

The best things in life are free. Unfortunately, the porn industry is learning that lesson the hard way as sales go soft (zing!). Down 20-30%, Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have asked for a financial fluffer to help adult entertainment companies in their time of need. But it’s not just magazines and DVDs that are feeling the squeeze; the Internet has been screwed up too! Read the rest of this entry »

Thur.-Sat., Feb. 26-28. Nude Nite A multimedia nude art show that includes more than 100 works of film\video, metal, glass, sculpture, paintings, photography, and more by local and national artists. This exhibit celebrates the human form in all of its shapes and sizes. Proceeds from beverage and art sales benefit The Artery, an organization that promotes breast cancer awareness through art. 6p.m.-midnight. $20. 21 and up, cash only. 1925 E. 2nd Ave 33605, Ybor City.

Fri-Sat., Feb 27th and 28th RuPaul will perform at L’Olivier.  Centro Ybor at the corner of 7th Ave. &16th St. Tampa, Florida 33605.

Sat-Sun, Feb 28-March 1. Southern Exposure. Billed as “the nation’s first all-gay carnival,” complete with 68-foot-tall Ferris wheel, midway, live and DJ’d music, and full bar. Guest appearances by RuPaul. Sat. 2p.m.-2a.m., Sun. noon-9:30p.m. Located in Czar’s parking lot. 7th Ave. and 14th St. Free. Read the rest of this entry »

What is it about marriage that dooms your sex life? Is it the knowledge that you can’t even pretend you’re going to have sex with that hot new co-worker? Or, do partners stop making an effort to please each other when they know their spouse is locked into the relationship? Whatever the case, Dr. Yvonne Fulbright gives some suggestions for rekindling the bedroom flame.

-Your libidos are out of sync
You’re supposed to be soul mates…so why is it that you want it slow and sensual at night but he wants it fast and furious in the morning? Nature’s partly to blame. Guys wake up with high levels of testosterone and energy and crave sex first thing in the a.m. But at night, testosterone levels dip and a man’s blood fills with oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) right when you’re starting to get revved up.

The solution? Seek the middle ground. If he’s never in the mood after dinner, grab him before you open the take-out. If you dislike a.m. sex, join him in his morning shower. With that hot, soapy action, you’ll be convinced otherwise. Read the rest of this entry »

This is possible the greatest love story of our generation. Two nudists find love over the internet and meet for the first time while streaking a European soccer game. How’s that for romance? 

Sex is never free. I don’t care who you are. It always costs something. The new trend of internet sites for gold diggers to connect with sugar daddy’s doesn’t disturb me. These women are honest about their love of money, just as their sugar daddy’s are honest about desiring women based exclusively on appearance. If you have the money or the looks, I say go for it. Just don’t bitch about being lonely when your money or looks run out.

Is it prostitution?

That is the reaction many people have when they hear about the increase in women signing up for “sugar daddy” Web sites, such as sugardaddyforme.com.

The reason: In exchange for maintaining a sexual relationship with wealthy men, girls receive airline tickets, expensive Manhattan apartments and monthly allowances. What’s this all about? And do these set-ups boil down to prostitution?

Read the rest of this entry »

It is a sad day when the economy starts affecting how we party.

From where he sits inside Rio’s Sambadrome, a snack vendor mulls what the global financial crisis means for “the greatest party on earth.”

First, the bad news: fewer foreigners at this year’s Carnival.

“The gringos who are coming this year – there are substantially fewer, and those who are coming are spending less money,” Cagiza Acides Paixao said.

On the upside: In Rio, nothing can stop a good time.

“Carnival in Brazil – with its marvelous sun, beaches, samba all year round, and, you know, the girls – it will shine, with or without a crisis,” Paixao said as samba music blasted from his small shop. Read the rest of this entry »

A new article by the New York Times proves that Creative Loafing is not the only alternative print news source going through some changes as it adapts to a world of electronic news. Contrary to popular thought, pictures of beautify nude women don’t guarantee high profit margins.

As it posted a big quarterly loss, Playboy Enterprises indicated Wednesday that it would be willing to sell the company or change the direction of its flagship magazine, a surprise to some investors. But a Playboy spokeswoman, Elizabeth Austin, said Thursday that “this is no change in policy. We’ve always been open to discussion.”

Ms. Austin emphasized that Playboy was not looking to sell the magazine by itself. “The magazine is not for sale,” she said.

On Wednesday, as Playboy reported a fourth-quarter loss of $145.7 million, a steep decline from the $1.1 million it lost in the fourth quarter of 2007, analysts sensed a strategy shift. Christie Hefner, the company’s longtime chief executive and the daughter of the Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, resigned last December. She was replaced by an interim chief executive, Jerome Kern.

When an analyst asked if Playboy was open to an overall sale of the company or change in the Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve always had a sweet spot for shapely women with pretty faces. New research may offer clues as to why: big women have sex more than their skinny counterparts.

According to research published in the September issue of Obstetrics & Gynecology, overweight and obese women are more likely than their skinny sisters to report that they’ve had sex with a man — 92% of overweight or obese women reported having had sexual intercourse with a man vs. 87% of women of normal weight.

“It’s totally unexpected,” says Marie Harvey, the Oregon State University professor who co-authored the study with Dr. Bliss Kaneshiro, assistant professor at the school of medicine at the University of Hawaii. The results were based on secondary data already collected by the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, which collects a variety of reproductive health outcomes and behaviors for a sample of more than 7,000 women aged 15 to 44.

The study’s objective was to look at the impact of body mass index on sexual behavior, and all other measures — such as age of first intercourse, number of partners, frequency of intercourse and sexual orientation — showed no difference between normal weight women and overweight and obese women. Read the rest of this entry »

Sunday Feb. 22. Bikini contest. Florida’s Finest Bikini Babes. This spring break bikini contest happens every Sunday. Prizes are awarded at $500, $200, and $100. 5pm. Gilligans Bar and Grill (5232 Ocean Dr. Siesta Key 34242).

Upcomming

Thursday – Saturday, Feb. 26-28. Nude Nite An exhibit celebrating the human form and featuring hundreds of pieces encompassing a array of sensual expression: paintings, photography, body painting, live performers, sculptures, and instillations. 6-12midnight. $20. 21+ (1925 E. 2nd Ave 33605, Ybor City)

Friday-Saturday, Feb 27th and 28th RuPaul. The famed male impersonator will perform at L’Olivier (Centro Ybor at the corner of 7th Ave. &16th St. Tampa, Florida 33605). Read the rest of this entry »

I have driven down 4th street in St. Pete enough times to know that most street walkers look nothing like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. They look more like Roberts if she had been hit by a bus then left in the rain, but they certainly don’t look like women you could turn into elegant beauties with a bath and a nice dress. Meth scabs, sun faded tattoos, and varicose veins don’t wash off. I’ve always been curious as to what movies get the sex industry right, and which are mere fantasies of what most men dream hookers are like. Monica Shores of Alter Net presents a rundown of the most realistic depictions of the sex industry in film.

Most Realistic: Working Girls
Working Girls set the gold standard for realism in prostitute pictures due to its pitch perfect, un-sensationalized depiction of several women working in an incall location for a day. It’s nonjudgmental, understated, and entirely wonderful. Main character Molly bikes to work in the mornings fresh from sharing a bed with her female lover. Youthful and obnoxious Dawn does homework between appointments and baits the madam by sticking gum on the walls, while pleasant Gina restocks clean towels and greets johns with a smile. These women are entirely normal, literal girls next door both in looks (which are resolutely ordinary) and behavior. None are damaged or vulnerable; most are capable, articulate, and levelheaded. Read the rest of this entry »

Mer•kin: noun

1. A pubic wig

2. A derogatory term used to describe a person who tries to conceal her lascivious tendencies.

Etymology: First used in around 1617, a merkin was a pubic wig prostitutes used to hide syphilis marks or genitals that were shaved in order to kill lice. Merkins are currently used by topless dancers and actresses to prevent full-frontal exposure.

Use: Have you read Paris Hilton’s new autobiography, My Life as a Merkin.

A study confirms the long held suspicion that sexual images of women distort men’s perception of the opposite sex.

Men are more likely to think of women as objects if they have looked at sexy pictures of females beforehand, psychologists said yesterday.

Researchers used brain scans to show that when straight men looked at pictures of women in bikinis, areas of the brain that normally light up in anticipation of using tools, like spanners and screwdrivers, were activated.

Scans of some of the men found that a part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples’ emotions and wishes shut down after looking at the pictures. Read the rest of this entry »

I miss the good old days when it was still offensive to break up with someone’s answering machine. At least then there was the chance they would pick up.

Millions of people use it every day to pass on harmless snippets of gossip to friends and family.

But the message Emma Brady’s husband posted on Facebook could not have been more devastating.

It read: ‘Neil Brady has ended his marriage to Emma Brady.’

Mrs Brady, a 35-year-old conference organiser, claims she had no idea he even wanted a divorce, and only found out when a friend, who read the post on the social networking website, rang to console her. Read the rest of this entry »

This seems like a no brainer but it is still interesting. If nothing else it proves why making-out all night at a bar may not be a complete waste of time.

BEIJING, Feb. 16 (Xinhuanet) — Scientists who are starting to understand the biochemistry of kisses say that saliva increases sex drive.

Those in the kissing-science field of philematology are finding links between kissing and the hormones that affect coupling, researchers said at the annual meeting of the American

Association for the Advancement of Science as quoted by media Monday.

And these hormones are one of the keys to our reproductive success, so there’s a link to evolution and passing on our genes to the next generation. Read the rest of this entry »

This week the street team was out and about at the grandfather of all hip dive bars, Dave’s Aqua Lounge for BAAMO’s “One for the Road.” The smoky lounge was packed with supporters who paid $10 a head to help diffuse the traveling expenses of several bay area acts headed to SXSW this year to give industry gurus a taste of Florida music and Skipper’s fried gator nuggets. The likes of Rebekah Pulley & the Reluctant Prophets, Have Gun Will Travel, Damon Fowler, and The Beauvilles all played to a crowd that comfortably exceeded the fire code regulations.

Friday night we also stopped by the Dunedin Fine Arts Center for Contain It. Local artists like Kim Coakley, Rocky Bridges, Jason Leigh, and Victoria Block all highlighted art instillations housed in storage Pods. To keep things lively there was a performance by Giddy Up Helicopter and a live painting by Noah Deledda.

The internet has created a sexual revolution, giving the most conservative eyes a voyeuristic glimpse into the wilder sides of sex. Apparently many are finding that they like what they see and are increasingly trying out kinkier types of sex in their own bedrooms.

What is abnormal may not necessarily be unnatural, according to sexologists who study the outer limits of the human psyche.

And, increasingly, as seen in a plethora of new books and films — not to mention thousands of sites on the Internet – kinky sex is getting more attention.

“To badly paraphrase Alfred Kinsey, [who pioneered sex research in the 1940s and 50s, filming couples in flagrante in his Indiana attic], ‘the only unnatural sex act is the one you can’t perform,’” said Robert Dunlap, a California sex therapist and filmmaker. Read the rest of this entry »

Friday
Muse art/music/body art show at ArtPool. Celebrate the weekend by painting the town, or yourself, red. Watch artists at work as they paint their masterpieces onto live human canvases; purchase sculpture, paintings and mixed media by the likes of Diana Leavengood, Bradley Ennis (that’s his photograph at left) and many more; sample refreshments from Central Cafe & Organics; enjoy live music and spins by Aleshea Harris, Tripentronic and DJ E-man V; and search for bargains during the one-night-only 50-percent-off vintage clothing sale. Guests are encouraged to wear pink or red – or just paint your body! Fri. Feb. 13, 8 p.m.-12 a.m., ArtPool, 919 1st Avenue North, St. Petersburg, $10.

Friday-Sunday
An Evening of Romance and Love Songs. Matt Catingub joins The Florida Orchestra on piano, vocals, sax, flute and more for this Valentine’s Day pops concert of songs like “When I Fall In Love and “I Only Have Eyes For You. 8 p.m. Fri., Feb. 13, Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center, Tampa; 8 p.m. Sat., Feb. 14, Progress Energy Center for the Arts – Mahaffey Theater, St. Petersburg; and 7:30 p.m. Sun., Feb. 15, Ruth Eckerd Hall, Clearwater, $19-$65.

Valentine’s Day: Saturday
Krewe of Sant’Yago Illuminated Knight Parade More than 100 lighted floats launch from Seventh and Nebraska avenues, proceed east on Seventh to 20th Street, north on 20th Street to Palm Avenue and west on Palm Avenue to 15th Street. After-parties include Sant’Yago’s own official “Knight at The Cuban Club” celebration with food, an open bar and live music by Basic Rock Outfit, StormBringer and the Georgia Satellites. Sat., Feb. 14, 7 p.m. parade (Seventh Avenue, free admission general, $26 reserved bleacher seating), 9 p.m.-late party (The Cuban Club, 2010 Avenida Republica de Cuba, Tampa, Ybor City, $39 general/$69 VIP), 813-248-0721, cc-events.org. Read the rest of this entry »

Sad•dle•back•ing: \sa-dəl-ba-kiŋ\ verb.

1.  Engaging in anal sex under the premise of preserving virginal integrity and preventing birth. Specifically used to describe unprotected anal sex among heterosexual Christian teens for the above purposes.

Etymology: coined by sex advice writer Dan Savage in 2009, referring specifically to the Saddleback congregation of conservative pastor Rick Warren, who spoke at President Obama’s 2009 inauguration.

(Comment with suggestions for next week’s word) Read the rest of this entry »

The only time I ever seriously considered becoming a vegetarian was when trying to impress a vegetarian love interest. Perhaps PETA had this in mind when it produced its latest commercial for a red-blooded Super Bowl audience. NBC rejected this clip via email, listing the following concerns

‘Veggie Love’: PETA’s Banned Super Bowl Ad

-licking pumpkin
-touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli
-pumpkin from behind between legs
-rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin
-screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)
-asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina
-licking eggplant
-rubbing asparagus on breast.

If there isn’t already a term for sex with vegetables there needs to be one. Suggestions? “Salad tossing” is taken. Smashing pumpkins… Salad shooting… Broccoli banging

A new survey by CyberSentinel found that UK teens, between 13 and 15, spend 87 hours a year watching internet porn. Considering that this age group consistently logs 31 hours a week surfing the web, this number may not be that shocking.

What is perhaps more shocking was that the average teen spends over eight hours a week browsing soft porn, cosmetic surgery, dieting and weight loss, family planning and emotional support websites.

“At least one hour and 40 minutes a week – that’s just under 87 hours a year – is spent looking at soft porn,” claims the study. Read the rest of this entry »

“Let me show you my new implants,” announced a half-drunk wench Saturday at Tampa’s annual Gasparilla pirate invasion.

“Alright,” I said. It was the only logical response.

From my limited experience with breasts, I’d guess that she was lying about her healthy knockers being artificially enhanced, but I didn’t care. Her boobs could have looked like a dog’s ass and I’d still have been interested. Boobs are just plain intriguing. I wasn’t surprised by my inability to decline such offers, but I was taken aback by how many pirate lasses wanted to show off their cleavage or strike a sexual pose for CL’s cameras.

Having grown up in an age of reality TV, Girls Gone Wild, and YouTube, this generation has few apprehensions about acting rowdy on tape. It wasn’t just the women. Entire crowds reacted to the camera like the fake audiences on MTV’s spring break shows. Wherever the viewfinder swung, crews of pirates hoisted beers and gave genuine “Arghs.”

“Chicks love video cameras,” cameraman Clint informed me. Read the rest of this entry »

P.Diddy's Pants-Less Pillow Fight

The Super Bowl is not a game. It’s a national holiday from moderation, offering sanctuary from dieting, sobriety, and sense. It’s a celebration of all the things foreigners despise, and secretly envy, about Americans: extravagance, overindulgence, consumerism, and idiocy. So, when you hoist your Natural Ice and Stuffed Jalapeno popper as a reality star sings the national anthem before kick off, you are saluting all those Americans who died so that you can enjoy yourself without feeling guilty about getting drunk mid-afternoon on a work night.

This past Super Bowl I was confronted with the difficulty of being surrounded by a group of friends unmotivated to drink beer and watch football. Considering that I didn’t have enough time to report these communists to homeland security agents, I had to motivate them. Some I was able to convince with promises of miniature Kegs of Coors Light, borracho nachos, and football shaped cakes. Others I had give up on as David-Beckham-loving-soccer-fan-bastards. And still others required something more, a themed Super Bowl party.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Dude, she pissed my bed. Twice!”

These were the first words I heard this morning. Travis, my oldest friend, was calling me in a rage after dropping off the bedwetter at her dad’s place. It seems with each year I return to Austin for Christmas, such calls have become more frequent. It’s hard to say exactly what changed. Our sexual escapades used to start out so innocent—“Dude, that smoking hot girl at the bar just brushed her ass against me. She totally wants me.” Now, the tales of our sexual adventures usually begin something like the story of Travis’s bedwetter: “When I first met her, I thought she was a prostitute…”

Read the rest of this entry »

Would you hire this man?

“I need a huge favor tonight,” scrolled across my cracked cell phone screen.

It wasn’t unusual for Joran, Creative Loafing Marketing Director, to ask for strange favors. Just last week he asked Emma if she would pose nearly nude at a wine tasting while a body artist painted grapes over her pasties. What worried me was the fact that he didn’t include what the favor was on this exploratory text. Considering that we were hosting Beer Club that night at Skipper’s Smokehouse, I was optimistic that the favor involved beer sampling or helping the Bud Girls get dressed for the event. Such hopes died twelve minutes later when the next text came.

“Can u bring a cake and a speedo to beer club tonight?”

The cake had to be for Joran’s wife, Jennifer, whose birthday it was, but the Speedo? I was lounging in my St. Pete hangout, Kahwa Coffee, at the time and felt the need to confirm with the barista Catherine who was used to dealing with absurd requests from male customers like, “We should get some coffee sometime.” For her the text wasn’t cryptic.

“He wants you to bring his wife a cake while wearing your fancy Speedo and doing your little booty-shaking routine.”

Read the rest of this entry »

“My girl is dancing at Penthouse tonight,” Chuck confided in me, though I suspect I wasn’t the first to hear his confession.

He was trying to convince me to accompany him to the club after CL’s Wine Club event at Whole Foods. Chuck even had three attractive girls with him, one or more of which supposedly really wanted me to go. The only thing more intriguing than nude dancers is women who enjoy watching nude dancers. There was also some talk of Chuck buying lap dances for his lady friends. I figured after a few beers, I too might have been included in Chuck’s philanthropic efforts.

Normally I wouldn’t need much convincing to drink and watch surgically enhanced nudity in motion. The trouble was that I brought a lady of my own, Penny, to the wine tasting, and was uncertain how she’d respond to such an invitation. It was hard enough convincing her that a wine tasting at a health food store would be cool.

To be honest, I too was a bit skeptical of the choice of Wine Club location. But, I changed my mind after watching a steady stream of patrons looking dressed for some expensive gym class involving whale songs and giant inflatable balls. The place was a depot of people wealthy enough to live healthy, active lifestyles, and look great well into middle age — the kind of people who have developed a taste for wheat grass and goji. This is not to say the store didn’t have its share of normal people as well as the token old white dude dressed in a silk robe and wooden clogs like an Asian wizard. Read the rest of this entry »

Being a reasonably fit, attractive, and ambiguously straight man, I’ve long assumed that I held a certain power over gay men looking to convert me — like a kind of gay kryptonite. I imagine myself the male version of that attractive girl friend who does all the things the boys do — booze, ballgames, and talking shit — but who never lets guy friends in her pants. So, it was with a certain amount of arrogance that I pranced over to Czar this Saturday to the after party for CLIP (Tampa’s gay and lesbian Film Festival) only to be turned away because I was not on the guest list. I blamed this on Kelly and her lack of a penis.

To be fair, my name is rarely on the guest list at events I’m scheduled to work. I probably said something like, “let me have my people call your people.” The doorman gave me a courteous smile before popping inside to get his boss.

I tried to maintain my cool by fluffing my hair and ignoring a guy in line who was carrying on like a drunken sorority girl; he was stumbling in his heeled shoes while calling his friends bitch and yelling about how hot he was.  Read the rest of this entry »

My Friday kicked off at a scholarship ceremony. Not that anyone would ever give me a scholarship, it’s just that I knew there would be food and my favorite kind of beer — free. It’s not that I’m cheap. It’s that I’m poor. The problem is that free beer inevitably leads to a field trip to the bars and then a wallet filled only with credit card receipts. So, while all the smart-asses were accepting their awards, I was promising myself that this night I would break off my pricey affair with alcohol, at least until I can afford to resume it.    

I did not make this resolution after waking from a long night of drinking to find that my bed was spinning like a merry-go-round. No, this was a sober decision brought on by another choice to finally end my equally expensive relationship with my shitty Korean car. Sure it was cheap in the beginning and reasonable with gas, but the time and money I’ve wasted on repairs inevitably drove me to end the relationship. I should have walked away from it the first time it gave up on me at a rest stop in the New Mexico desert, but I thought I could work it out. I thought that if I showed the car enough attention, it would give me the same kind of respect. I was wrong. What I’ve learned is that a shitty car will always be a shitty car.

In its place, I bought a ‘94 Ford Ranger to cart my ass across the bay every day. You may be wondering why I’d buy a truck if I was hurting for money. I thought the same thing until I realized the possibilities of the truck’s camper. Read the rest of this entry »

My Friday kicked off at a scholarship ceremony. Not that anyone would ever give me a scholarship, it’s just that I knew there would be food and my favorite kind of beer — free. It’s not that I’m cheap. It’s that I’m poor. The problem is that free beer inevitably leads to a field trip to the bars and then a wallet filled only with credit card receipts. So, while all the smart-asses were accepting their awards, I was promising myself that this night I would break off my pricey affair with alcohol, at least until I can afford to resume it.

I did not make this resolution after waking from a long night of drinking to find that my bed was spinning like a merry-go-round. No, this was a sober decision brought on by another choice to finally end my equally expensive relationship with my shitty Korean car. Sure it was cheap in the beginning and reasonable with gas, but the time and money I’ve wasted on repairs inevitably drove me to end the relationship. I should have walked away from it the first time it gave up on me at a rest stop in the New Mexico desert, but I thought I could work it out. I thought that if I showed the car enough attention, it would give me the same kind of respect. I was wrong. What I’ve learned is that a shitty car will always be a shitty car.

In its place, I bought a ‘94 Ford Ranger to cart my ass across the bay every day. You may be wondering why I’d buy a truck if I was hurting for money. I thought the same thing until I realized the possibilities of the truck’s camper. Read the rest of this entry »

At the last Beer Club, we filmed some of our readers and staffers telling us why they think they’re the “Best of the Bay.” You can see the videos here. At this year’s Best of the Bay Awards ceremony, we’ll be showing some of these videos and we’re also asking our readers to submit their own.  The rules are easy: film yourself (nothing fancy), and upload the video to YouTube. Once it’s uploaded, e-mail us the URL. We’ll take a look, and if it’s chosen for the Best of the Bay Awards Show, we’ll let you know.  

But hurry, the deadline is Monday, September 8.

Dreaming of being a rock star is as American as dreaming about having sex with a rock star. I’ve read countless interviews with performers who describe how they were always putting on “shows” when they were younger. They use these anecdotes as evidence that performing is in their blood. What these talented, or just plain lucky, bastards don’t realize is that most every American kid puts on “shows” as a way to get attention. I used to chase my parents around the house while strumming a plastic guitar in my underwear and singing the same verse to “Old McDonald” repeatedly. And yes, I too won a talent contest for a rap I wrote and performed with a group of four white boys at camp.

You could say that being a rock star is in my blood. So why the hell am I not on TRL or dating Miley Cyrus. The problem is that though performing maybe in my blood, musical talent isn’t. I was born with an impaired sense of rhythm. Five separate times I attempted to teach myself the guitar and failed. When I was older, I attempted the bass thinking it would be easier to learn considering it only has four strings. My highlight from this venture was being asked to play bass on an intentionally horrendous, mock hard-rock song called “Sewer of Ass Piss.” Since playing an instrument was out of the question, I did what any talentless performer does: I decided to become a singer. I did in fact write and record a few songs with my sexually explicit boy band, 2 Sr. Real, but hearing my recorded voice was painful even for someone as self-obsessed as me.

The fact that I will never be a rock star has been particularly difficult to accept considering that I have so many other attributes that make me overqualified: I can switch leotards within a matter of seconds, play air guitar against the carefully formed bulge in my tight pants, and underage women eat me up. Unfortunately the world will never know my talents, and I will never seduce as many women as the grungiest of rock stars.  I am reminded of this sad fact every time I go to a rock show. I will never be a rock star and so my only hope is to try and sleep with one.  

Read the rest of this entry »

I had a long week. I spent it training to be an instructor in Rhetoric at USF. The course work and mandatory sports coat with leather elbow patches didn’t intimidate me. What worried me was that I was expected to be a role model for over 40 incoming freshman.  This is a particularly daunting task considering that my Google identity includes videos of me chugging beer at CL’s Beer Club and an extensive online account of my attempts to pick up women. Let’s just hope that the pictures of me at that bachelorette party don’t emerge. 

After a week of training, one thing was certain: I needed a disguise. Something that would make me look tough. Naturally my mind wandered to actors, whose job it is to obscure their perverse lifestyles in order to appear tough on screen; maybe I needed a six-shooter or one of those mean-looking bandolier belts strapped across my chest. Or maybe I should be a little more subtle.  From experience I know I look particularly threatening in a wig and a fake mustache that would put Charles Bronson to shame.

I thought over these foolproof schemes to appear as a respectable member of society as I drank heavily at Limey’s Friday during this month’s beer club.

Read the rest of this entry »

I had a long week. I spent it training to be an instructor in Rhetoric at USF. The course work and mandatory sports coat with leather elbow patches didn’t intimidate me. What worried me was that I was expected to be a role model for over 40 incoming freshman.  This is a particularly daunting task considering that my Google identity includes videos of me chugging beer at CL’s Beer Club and an extensive online account of my attempts to pick up women. Let’s just hope that the pictures of me at that bachelorette party don’t emerge.

After a week of training, one thing was certain: I needed a disguise. Something that would make me look tough. Naturally my mind wandered to actors, whose job it is to obscure their perverse lifestyles in order to appear tough on screen; maybe I needed a six-shooter or one of those mean-looking bandolier belts strapped across my chest. Or maybe I should be a little more subtle.  From experience I know I look particularly threatening in a wig and a fake mustache that would put Charles Bronson to shame.

I thought over these foolproof schemes to appear as a respectable member of society as I drank heavily at Limey’s Friday during this month’s beer club.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Everyone assumes skaters are bad kids,” said Bobbie Clothier as a gang of longhaired kids circled her, assaulting each other with firecracker poppers Saturday night. “The bad ones are the ones who don’t skate and hangout outside the skateparks. Nothing good happens after midnight or outside a skatepark.”From my own experience, I knew this was true. The kids who are too uncoordinated to skate sit in the bleachers talking shit or taking walks to the woods to smoke. But, judging by how rowdy these skaters were, I’d hate to run into their bad counterparts. Not that these kids were mean-spirited. They just had the kind of energy that makes you dizzy just watching them run around screaming like ballistic missiles.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Who is 420?” asked a sightseeing couple last Wednesday. They had stayed in Ybor City later than they should have and suddenly found themselves surrounded by mild-mannered dope fiends giggling their way to The Improv for the 420 Friendly Comedy Show.

Emma and I were trying to hand out the last few tickets to the show. We kept running into people who acted offended that we assumed they were interested in a pot friendly show, or those, like the vacationing couple, who thought 420 was the name of a hip-hopper who their children might enjoy.

We quickly decided if someone had to ask what 420 meant, they weren’t interested in comedy dedicated to extended monologues about how pot should be the U.S’s weapon against subduing terrorism, as well as spats about the perfection of Doritos.

The problem was that Emma and I were trying to be politically correct, Read the rest of this entry »

I was on the phone with my interior designer about a set of stackable leather chairs when my eyes locked on my soul mate. I dropped the phone and unfurled the most glorious pair of silver pants this side of the Milky Way.

I was in the middle of working “The Best Garage Sale Ever,” at Vitale Studios. Considering the number of art pieces sold, and the fact that John Vitale was as excited as a young artist drawing his first live nude, I wouldn’t be surprised to see more art sales gallivanting as garage sales.

Art was just one of many commodities cleaned out of these hipsters’ studios and put on sale. This was the crème de la crème of trendy second-hand goods. Thrift store hunters didn’t have to search through racks of Christmas sweaters that smelled of nursing homes and mothballs to find the perfectly ironically hip shirt. Cool stuff was everywhere: a bamboo furniture set, shelves of high-fashion high heels in supermodel sizes, art supplies, treasure trolls, designs and shirts by Blue Lucy, rhinestone belts, lighting equipment, Japanese lanterns, long coats with fake fur collars, knitted scarves and, of course, my luscious silver pants.

I didn’t ask permission before taking the pants in the bathroom and getting naked.

Read the rest of this entry »

“What makes you qualified to lead a street team?” asked Steve at Yeoman’s Road Pub on Thursday — the site of this month’s Beer Club.

“Um,” I said, sipping my beer. “I drink a lot?”

“That seems to be a reoccurring trend with Creative Loafing.”

Alright, so maybe CL was sponsoring the Craft Beer Expo on Saturday, starting a new wine club and gearing up for our annual Beer Fest, but it couldn’t be such a bad thing for a company to be synonymous with drinking.

“When I’m bartending, I remember most of my customers by what they drink, not their name,” said Crystal, one of the volunteers pouring Michelob’s Porter, Fire Rock Pale Ale, Longboard Island Lager and Longhammer IPA at Beer Club.

Apparently my name was also becoming associated with drinking, as more than a few beer club members told the pourers that I said they could have extra drinks. CL’s staff writer, Wade Tatangelo tried this tactic but quickly reverted to swindling free drinks by using his standard go-to line, “I write Bar Tab.” This was the kind of fringe benefit I have always craved as a writer. Like a food critic getting free meals or a travel writer getting free vacations, I want to be admitted into various forums where women appear nude in groups by simply saying, “It’s alright. I’m doing research for my novel, Panty Raid.”

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“I feel like I’m in a three-way!” I said Friday at the grand opening of Tekila Rocks, where I kept getting jostled by gargantuan boobage and ladies grinding like it was their job. I had heard of women keeping cash in their cleavage, but I had never seen them used to holster cell phones. This was the kind of eye-level cleavage with enough energy to potentially knock you out if it got moving fast enough.

I have never actually been in a three-way, but I’m fairly positive that the only major difference between Tekila Rocks’ dance floor and the sex act is that you couldn’t get pregnant on the dance floor. Then again, I’ve been wrong before. Read the rest of this entry »

“Do you have no pride?” asked Natalie Saturday at the State Theatre, questioning my choice of cheap American beer over her Guinness.

“I drink Bud Light as a matter of pride,” I said.  “It tastes like America.”

Obviously she was in need of a serious history refresher.  America was founded on cheap beer. What do you think George Washington was talking about when he penned the lyrics, “amber waves of grain” — the malt and barley used to make delicious golden beer!  Or why do you think the Sons of Liberty dressed up like Indians and dumped ship tons of tea in the harbor during the Boston Tea Party. This wasn’t something sober people would do. These patriots were a bunch of drunken smugglers with a lust for drinking cheap beer, dressing up and destroying shit. And who do you think led these hooligans? The patron saint of all cheap beer drinking Americans: Samuel Adams.

“Alfie!?” called a voice behind me, drawing me away from my lecture on the finer points of American history. I was confronted by two ladies named Hanna and Amy who I wished I had recognized. “We met you last night. You were wearing a cape?” Read the rest of this entry »

After the first round of fruity cocktails the gay jokes flew like rainbow flags. As one of the few non-gay CL staffers marching in the St. Pete Pride Parade, I was the ass of most of their jokes. Byron McMullen told me the bandana trailing from my back pocket (which I had intended for midday sweat collection) was actually a type of gay flag. Turns out that along with rainbows, black leather and Lance Bass, bandanas have been co-opted by the gay community. He directed my confusion to a group of men festooned in piercings, straps of leather and combat boots. I spoke to a man with deeply tanned muscles bulging out of tiny black leather shorts and a sash that read, “Mr. Gay Day Leather 2008.” I figured he was a reliable source. Turns out a bandana hanging out of your back pocket indicates whether you are submissive or dominant, depending on which cheek you wear it on. The colors are also significant: Checkered means safe sex only, yellow is water-sports, black and white mean you are up for anything, and red (the color I was sporting) means you’re into fisting. This wouldn’t have been so troubling had I not already been hit on by a gentleman who insisted on helping me set up the CL tent. And I thought he was just being nice.   

Dykes on Bikes kicked off the parade followed by a fleet of boat floats borrowed from the Gasparilla armory and sufficiently gayified by the likes of the Tampa Bay Bears and men in construction caps. The range of floats was about as diverse as the crowd. Spurs Bar pulled a mobile line dancing stage. Actors from Bath House the Musical wore towels atop a Hummer. My favorite was The ROTC (Righteously Outrageous Twirling Corps) in sailor caps and sleeveless shirts who whirled rainbow flags in a routine that climaxed with a burst of rainbow confetti. Creative Loafing rode second to last on a fire engine rigged with long range squirt guns and a roaring siren to drown out the protestors who brought up the rear.

“I’m slightly offended,” CL’s Senior Editor, Eric Snider, confided in me near the end of the parade. Read the rest of this entry »

A stretch limo pulled up to Push Ultra Lounge Thursday with a load full of suits.

“What’s going on tonight?” one of the passengers asked the doorman.

“A reggae show.”

The limo drove away.

Push has quickly become known as the go-to St. Pete venue for cougars on the prowl; professionals who can’t stomach PBRs at “Nastry’s;” dudes wearing suit jackets in the heat of summer; and girls who want to have a wild girls-night-out at some place nice, then end up standing in huddles, straightening ever falling tube tops, and looking for a place to sit and rest their feet that are strapped into heels that are too high.

But like any good club, Push has tried to keep things fresh, especially on Thursday nights with live bands. 

The posh atmosphere was the same as any other night: Bathroom attendants waited with hand towels, and bouncers stood tall in all black as dance lights painted the walls of the club. But, the crowd was anything but usual. It was the kind you’d find at an outdoor music fest or selling hemp jewelry outside Jannus Landing — alright, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it was a shock to see bare feet stomping on the Push dance floor. The club itself even switched a few things up to accommodate the reggae clientele. The bar served $2 Coronas and the booths (which are the only places to sit), were not reserved for patrons who bought entire bottles of liquor for what it would cost to start a small religious war.

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“I’m starting to cook more with beer,” said Katie, a chef-in-training and one of the 40 or so people who came to The Retreat Friday for the resurrection of Beer Club.

“I find that I cook more with beer the more beer I’ve had to drink,” I told her. “If I order pizza after a six pack, there’s a good chance I’ll pour beer on the pie, intentionally or otherwise.”

I went on to give Katie a list of other dishes that can benefit from a healthy dose of beer: day-old nachos with three different types of congealed cheese, top-shelf ramen noodles and Cheerios. Of course, the thing that goes best with beer is more beer.

“Everyone keeps trying to get more than their share,” said the Pepin pourer — dubbed “The Ticket Nazi” by a group of college kids who dubbed themselves “The Shizer boys.”

The fact was that we wanted people to drink more than four samples of the Michelob Porter, Widmer Hefeweizen, Landshark Lager, and Shock Top, but we wanted them to be creative in earning their extra drink tickets. Next month we’ll test out a rewards system for guys who bring more than two women a piece and hefty men willing to pull up their shirts and do the truffle-shuffle.

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“That ain’t even my beat,” Laws told DJ Knuckles, who he nicknamed DJ Unprepared for the night. “Fuck it. I’ll rap to it anyways.”

Friday at Crowbar Laws laid down aggressive rap that commented more on socioeconomics than hip-hop culture. He spent a good part of the show off stage, rapping face to face with the crowd while his hype-man, LA, stood on stage, doubling up on Laws’ lyrics.

Between performers opening for Little Brother, host Young Deacon kept the crowd lively while DJ Sandman made sure they had something to dance to. 

Before Laws, a tall, thin songstress owned the stage with her supreme confidence and songs that sounded like sped up spoken-word poems.

“She’s pretty AND she can sing,” people kept saying of Dynasty. 

When she yelled for people to throw their hands up, hands went up.

Saturday afternoon, nothing could have prepared me for the number of times I would hear “cornhole” during Tampa Bay Club Sports 1st annual Cornhole Classic at Ferg’s Sports Bar. The strange thing was that the term never lost its humor. It could be hyphenated with any word: regulation-cornhole, cornhole-free-for-all, Barbara Bush’s cornhole.

“I see some great cornholing going on,” announced the commentator over the PA.

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“Creative Loafing needs a sexual predator writing for them,” advised Nate Oliver of Have Gun Will Travel when he found me talking to his lady friend. “That could be your hook, Alfie.”

“Thanks,” I said, “but that’s basically what I already do.”

We were backstage at Skipper’s Smokehouse for WMNF’s “This is Radio Clash: a Tribute to The Clash.” Nate was jealous of my ability to talk to tons of hot women each night under the guise of investigative journalism, while his only pick-up line was, “Hey, I’m in a rock ‘n’ roll band” — as if women ever fell for sweaty musicians. Besides, Skipper’s was teeming with over 17 bands’ worth of musicians but only one erotic journalist.

The event was a success for the same reason that WMNF is the premier community-funded volunteer radio in the country: There’s strength in numbers and diversity. With 17 bands playing 15 minute sets, I expected the show to run late, but the volunteer staffers kept things moving with as much efficiency as they run their radio station.

“This is as close to country as The Clash comes,” announced the Urbane Cowboys, setting the stage for their clap-along rendition of “I Fought the Law.” However, when Blind Buddy Moody took the stage after the Urbane Cowboys, he proved it could get a little more country. He sat in a straw hat and a denim tuxedo strumming his acoustic and blowing his harmonica. He howled Clash covers like Irish ballads with a deep, bottom-of-the-barrel voice and just enough teeth to prove he’d taken some hits in his life and was still swinging. I hadn’t expected an old-time country singer to cover a Clash song and probably neither did The Clash, but I should have suspected it considering WMNF’s eclectic mix. I may not always keep my radio tuned to WMNF, but I always check the station to see what wild stuff they’re playing. 

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“‘Music is a business that requires devotion,’” I said, throwing one of Daylight District’s lyrics back at the front man, Frank. “You have to give the people what they want, and what they want is for a hip-hopper to rock out a goddamned key-tar.

“I’ll look into it,” Frank said.

We were in the green room of The State Theatre, which reeked of herbal greenery. Frank had just finished playing his set for the CL In Concert Series, and I was brimming with ideas on how the band’s fusion of rock and hip-hop could go big time. Although Frank has never played a key-tar, after our talk, no doubt he’ll soon be prancing around stage, breaking hearts while working his strap-board with suggestive hip thrusts.

Tailgunner Joe and the Earls of Slander kicked off the night, playing fresh off a CL review touting the band’s cowboy rock as “Rock ‘n’ Roll without the sex and drugs.” The projectionist who painted the theater with moving images must not have read the review about the group’s Christian roots, as a video of a woman stimulating herself played behind the band for a moment. Being an understanding person, I’m willing to believe that maybe the projectionist considered the clip an instructional video on how to preserve the integrity of one’s virginity.

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“You here for the mud wrestling?” the shuttle driver asked.

“Mud wrestling?” I repeated, weighing the box of promo gear I was to handout at a wine tasting against my primal need to watch naked women squabble in mud.

“Just get in,” The driver said, and I did. It turned out he was just screwing with my emotions. There were no kiddie pools filled with mud or women to wrestle in them at the Don CeSar. There was, however, a model in pasties being painted with a scene of the wine country, but I was assured that she didn’t take tips nor would she wrestle another girl covered in paint.

The Tampa Bay Wine & Food Festival proved to be three full days of high class debauchery. Saturday, The Don CeSar hosted a Grand Tasting Village on the beach beneath a tent large enough to house a royal wedding. The place was consumed with the kind of people you’d find having fun in travel magazines, wearing sunglasses in the shade, floppy straw hats, sun dresses, khakis, polo shirts and white linen pants.

Not only did the soft white sand provide a cool ambiance, it also acted as a landing pad for anyone who had too much wine and for the hordes of high-end gals I couldn’t afford who stepped into the event wearing heels. From behind, these perfectly tanned 40something cougars looked 20. A few looked just as young from the front with mask-sized sunglasses and distracting boob jobs. There were also plenty of younger women with professional sales jobs — wild girls all grown up but who still bore the smudged party-girl tattoos of their college years.

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Creative Loafing’s staff celebrated the weekend early on Wednesday at Gators on Treasure Island. We had just finished our much anticipated Summer Guide issue and the staff had plenty of reasons to party. We munched on vats of hot wings, trays of mini Cubans, and fish spread (whatever that means). I attempted to rally the scattering of patrons and tourists eating on the deck to join us by offering them free Frisbees, but most gave lame excuses like, “I have to work in the morning,” or “I don’t do parties.” Luckily for the CL staff, we were drinking with our boss, which meant the more beers we bought her, the later we could come to work the next day. But even if our publisher wasn’t there, I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend a Wednesday night, eating fried food, drinking beer, watching the sun sink into the water and, if you’re like me, hiding behind giant sunglasses to stare at the legs of the waitstaff who scampered about in short-shorts.

The next night, we were back at Crowbar in Ybor City.

“This is not your normal hip-hop crowd,” Crowbar’s doorman Wolf told a white-collar security guard Thursday. “It’s going to be a nice, relaxed night. These kids came to hear some intelligent shit that flows nice.”

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Preventing waste was a major theme at the Pinellas Living Green Expo, held last Saturday and Sunday at the Harborview Center in downtown Clearwater. Many of the vendors featured home construction materials that reduce energy waste: thicker windows, foam insulation and low-flow toilets. The current dilemma with going green is that one must purchase more products to be green, and in doing so, generate more waste. This is just a consequence of the movement, being relatively new, and one that is still something of a status symbol for those who can afford to buy hybrids or to build new “green” houses. With this said, I was surprised that the majority of expo attendants were regular folks looking for tricks to save money on their energy bills. There were a few hardcore idealists of the dreadlocked and patchouli variety, aging hippies with gray pony tails, and yuppies uniformed in bicycling spandex, helmets, sunglasses and fanny packs, but they were the minority.

  

One major exception to this good natured crowd were the prize-whoring elderly, dead set on loading free garb in their complementary cloth, grocery sacks. Those who were less agile (or couldn’t simply swipe promo items and run) delivered long oratories about how they loved CL (mostly because it is free) as their justification for leaving the booth with five promotional ball point pens. At times I felt like I was in a Charlie Brown comic strip, sitting at a booth labeled, “the doctor is in.” More than a few told me dramatic sob stories before explaining why they needed an entire stack of temporary tattoos. I tried to scare them away with CL’s latest cover, featuring a pair of pink bumper-balls hanging below a license plate that read “Nutz 2 U,” but they were too blinded by the promise of prizes to be swayed by nuts.

“I need four because I have four grandchildren,” a granny in an electric scooter told me as she took four miniature beer mugs from my table.

Did she even have grandchildren? Would she use the mugs to sort her collection of sugar packets from various fast food joints despite the fact that she’s diabetic? I can’t begin to fathom how excited her grandchildren will be next Christmas when they get matching miniature beer mugs from Grandma. What kills me is that these prize-whores horde promo items like treasure, with the intent of passing it on to their relatives. The reality is that when these pack rats keel over, their heirs will just throw away all the coffee cans full of free pencils and drawers full of stress balls. Perhaps some sort of entrance fee, say the price of bus fare or a pint of blood, would discourage these prize hunters. Or perhaps next year I could set up a booth on how to keep your grandparents from collecting promo garb like Halloween candy. Maybe I’ll give away handcuffs or tazers.

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