Daily Loaf

At dinner the other night, a friend revealed her recent drunken sexual debauchery, which involved a certain dairy product usually reserved for cereal. There were four of us in attendance, myself, the debaucherist and my good friends, “the twins” (actual people who are twins… not my breasts). We are a fairly close group and it’s safe to say that we have a “no limits” policy when it comes to sharing. So, when it came to this kinky topic, we listened intently.

It should be known that the debaucherist suffers from a bit of a problem: she lacks the ability to choose her partner. She is a VERY attractive girl from South Africa, but she isn’t very personable. Many men have asked me why she is, “cold and distant.” I don’t have an answer. Maybe she just looks too hard. Either way, this causes her to make more than a few poor choices. Read the rest of this entry »

On many occasions I can be caught mumbling, “Man, I wish I was a guy.” This is accurate on most accounts. It sucks bleeding every month for days on end. Having a kid come out of your lower body looks pretty shitty. And, general upkeep is far more annoying.

But, when it comes to sex, I am MORE than happy to be a female. Read the rest of this entry »

It might surprise some of you to know that I am not the “relationship type”…. now that you’re done laughing, I would like to present you with a very serious idea. Very. Serious.

Although I may not have normal female impulses to attach myself to another human being and then to make annoying miniature versions of ourselves, from time to time parts (ONLY PARTS) of that scenario seem appealing.

For example, I often find myself hung over and in need of someone to get me an egg McMuffin. This past Saturday was no exception. I did the heinous “wake up on the bathroom floor” move that is always supposed to be a wake up call, but usually just makes me laugh (not the best sign). Read the rest of this entry »

After another weekend full of my usual make-out antics, an issue I’ve been coping with reared it’s ugly head: post-make-out dating etiquette.

Undoubtedly, the internet has revolutionized dating protocol. The days of going to your mom for advice are gone. I am pretty sure my mom would be stumped if I asked her “What does it mean if he posts on my Facebook wall, but just writes ‘Hi’?” Read the rest of this entry »

The other night,  my friend Daniel, a delightfully cynical Irish fellow, asked me twenty questions about my vibrator: How long had I had one? Where did I keep it? What does it look like?

The longer this went, on the more curious I got. Why the sudden fascination? He had obviously seen one before. Most women don’t bother hiding them anywhere OTHER than the night stand or underwear drawer. His questions weren’t so much about vibrators, but how a woman would react to finding a similar toy, a fake vagina, in a male companion’s night stand. Read the rest of this entry »

As much as the Cat in the Hat had Thing 1 and Thing 2 to keep him entertained on rainy days, I have Boob 1 and Boob 2.

Most times, in the privacy of my own home, they don’t do a whole hell of a lot for me. They get in the way, I spill things on them, and they prevent me from seeing my lower body when looking directly down. Buuuut, when I take them outside… oh the places we go! Read the rest of this entry »

Every single time it happens, I wake up the next day convincing myself that it must have been the booze, or if sober, a repressed middle school memory must have reared it’s ugly head. Please someone explain this phenomena to me. WHY would ANYONE over the age of 14 dry hump another human being?! Read the rest of this entry »

I can’t explain (much like I can’t explain my perverse love of plaid) why I love accents SO much. Of course I’m just as happy to talk to any interesting male… but when that male hails from somewhere beyond North America’s lovely shores, I’m all the more happy to do so.

Asia has been like one big accent filled, audio orgy. For a lot of people this will seem confusing as it stands to reason that hearing r’s and l’s, or p’s and f’s, or b’s and v’s used in the completely wrong context would be painful. It is. I’m instead referring to the ex-patriot population that exists in Asia. Read the rest of this entry »

It stands to reason that at some point in our lives, we are going to have to deal with the, “sex/relationship with a co-worker” situation.

Most of us spend more time at the office than anywhere else. It’s a great dating pool, as long as you ignore every rule of human resources and don’t mind the fact that you will be haunted by said sex or relationship until one of you quits or dies. Read the rest of this entry »

As much as the Cat in the Hat had Thing 1 and Thing 2 to keep him entertained on rainy days, I have Boob 1 and Boob 2.

Most times, in the privacy of my own home, they don’t do a hell of a lot for me. They get in the way, I spill things on them, and they prevent me from seeing my lower body when looking directly down. Buuuut, when I take them outside… oh, oh, oh the places we go!

They make my shirts look fabulous, my stomach look smaller by default, and they create a perfect display for a number of necklaces. They also score me some fabulously free beverages. Not to say that I have them on some kind of ridiculous display at all times, or that I walk up to guys and offer a motorboat in exchange for a gin and tonic. Simply, my boobs working side by side (unintentional pun) with my friendly disposition, mean that I rarely spend more than $10 on a night out with the intent of getting intoxicated. Read the rest of this entry »

Hey guys, guess what? Women masturbate too.

It seems that lately anytime I’m with a group of friends and the topic of masturbation and methodologies is broached, voices become hushed, giggles escape with each breath, and the clitoris of every nearby woman seems to perk up and listen.

Why is it that for CENTURIES men have openly discussed, “choking the chicken,” “spanking the monkey,” or “jerkin’ the gerkin” (for the brits), while women are meant to blush and run anytime such a devilish act is mentioned. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m back! Sorry for the leave of absence! I’ve spent the better part of a year living abroad, collecting many international affair stories for you.

At first, I thought I’d keep this last year of adventures to myself. You see, many of us are aware of “vacation sex”… it’s a right of passage, whether on your post-college backpacking trip to Prague (Liam, the British guy you thought looked like Hugh Grant, but in the morning looked more like Mr.Bean) or your quarter-life crisis trip to Thailand (the he/she that you SWEAR was hot the night before) vacation sex equals sexual freedom at it’s best! Read the rest of this entry »

As I recently discussed with a friend, there seems to be a portion of the population that chooses not to discuss taboo topics; they opt to be polite and keep private matters behind closed doors.  Then there are the people who embrace it. The majority of my friends are the latter.

This is why my Sunday afternoon shopping trip with a friend included a stop at the porn store. No, this was not one of those “let’s giggle and try and figure out where that goes” kind of trips. This was the super revealing kind of trip that launches an afternoon-long conversation starting with, “I need to pick up some lube.”

Now, I have never been with a partner long enough to need to get “inventive” with butt plugs or silicon-based lube.  Mixing it up, for me, has yet to include foreign objects, so this was all new. Read the rest of this entry »

If this commercial doesn’t turn you on… there’s probably something wrong with you.

 Woo

(noun):  The art of causing a women to fall slowly in love with you.

See: courting, romance or affection.

I don’t know when it happened … maybe the great depression burned everyone out, or maybe the burning of the bras made men rethink the ways of their forefathers. But somewhere along the way ladies, we lost a dear friend, Woo. Read the rest of this entry »

Last night I happened upon a familiar situation. A guy-friend suddenly reveals he has “feelings” for me and boldly decides to act on them.

This would normally be an awesome situation.

So we made out. One problem: He has a girlfriend.

Read the rest of this entry »

If I hear one more person tell me, “You aren’t going to meet your boyfriend in a bar,” I am going to punch someone in the gullet.

What the hell do the rest of you people do? I am twenty… umm… something years old (gotta rock the anonymity) and frankly I am not about to join a fucking “networking after work” group in order to meet some buttoned-up douchebag who wants to turn me into Betty fucking Crocker.

Yes, this topic upsets me.

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s not like most men have to worry your vagina isn’t going to be the right size.

They don’t lie awake at night thinking about what an awesome girl you are and wondering what they’ll find when they move to the bedroom.  I know a lot of women who are a fairly open bunch; not one of them has ever taken me aside and explained to me how they feel un-confident in bed because of a “saggy vag.” 

Read the rest of this entry »

Not that long ago I made a poor decision. OK, twenty minutes ago I made a poor decision involving half a box of cereal at midnight… but this particular bad decision involved a man (or a really good man-impressionist), a woman (or the part of me that pretends to be a grown adult) and a lack of pants.

We weren’t all that “familiar” with each other but after hanging out a few times, and after our last “hanging out” involved us making out with me slammed against my car, it was inevitable that my ability to have him in my house with his pants on was low. Very low.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s the deal. I know a LOT of men who would agree that most women should be virtually hairless, and I for one, would have to agree with them.

I also know a LOT of women who feel that men should start sharing in this joyous activity.

Imagine you are with a woman for the first time. Things are going splendidly. Maybe you get a little bold and decide to pull a naked ass-grab… only to find something that resembles the Furbie you owned back in ‘92. Read the rest of this entry »