Daily Loaf

“I’m from Tampa Bay area. I read your blog. For a couple of nights now I have been having a recurring dream. I keep seeing a line of cockroaches crawling on the floor and I kill them. What exactly does this means?” (sic)

If you think of the cockroach as a symbol you can begin to make some connections for yourself. Here’s one: I worked with a guy that dreamed of cockroaches all the time. He dreamed they were coming out of his pores. Well, when we began to look at connections he admitted to smoking pot.  For the unenlightened reader (and perhaps yourself) the very small end of a joint (marijuana cigarette) is called a roach. As we talked more about it he admitted he smoked a lot of pot. He smoked so much pot he had become a pothead. His dream was a warning get-a-clue dream.

Archetypally, a cockroach is a symbol of dirt and filth. It also represents the insect version of a rat and is tied to abandonment (i.e. rats leaving a sinking ship). It is believed that cockroaches and rats will inherit the earth; they are that indestructible as a species. Sometimes in dreams words need to be separated, so cockroach becomes cock and roach. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve had many emails asking how to successfully approach other swingers.  The answer isn’t the same for everyone.  Approaching a stranger for sex is awkward at best, let alone  incredibly intimidating.  What if they say no?  What if they don’t like you?  How do you know if they like you? Read the rest of this entry »

As I was driving to work Monday, Fisher and Boy from the 97X morning show played a creepy voicemail from a dude attempting to get a date.  The bit was about a woman who was approached by a  guy who asked her out. She wasn’t interested and was only able to get rid of him by giving him her business card.  Probably a dumb move, but I sympathize. The guy called her two times leaving two very long, creepy messages.  Some men just can’t imagine why any female wouldn’t want to date or sleep with them. This made me consider all the creepy ways men have tried to weasel their way into my life, or at least my vagina. Read the rest of this entry »

Who has sex with strangers?  I think the answer is most of you. Whether you are a swinger, single person, or a perpetual cheater, it’s likely you’ve had sex with someone you consider a stranger.  So why do so many people think the swinging lifestyle is so strange — we too have sex with strangers, but at least we’re honest about it. Read the rest of this entry »

Women have it easy.  They can get laid nearly effortlessly. Men on the other hand aren’t quite so lucky.  Even the male half of a swinging couple must put forth the effort to catch the eye of a pretty lady or the hot soccer mom at a party.  Vanillas (non swingers) may think that being a swinger at a swinger party pretty much guarantees sex, but the truth is it doesn’t.

The rule of thumb for both swinger men and vanilla men (I apologize if you  feel plain) is, keep your mind open and your hands to yourself.  This may seem contradictory to some, but if you’re open to talking just a little and not groping her soccer ball shaped ass, you’ll succeed more times than not.  Trust me. I’m a woman and I know these things.

Don’t talk yourself out of sex.  Read the rest of this entry »

I love to masturbate! Everyone masturbates, well, except for weirdos, old people, and those who haven’t tried it.  I’ll admit that I was in my late 20s before I discovered the beauty of self pleasure.  Since then I turned into a closet masturbator.  No, this doesn’t mean that I pretend that I don’t; it simply means I masturbate in the closet.   This may seem rather strange to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.  I get home a bit earlier than expected and the house is empty, but for how long is unknown.  I need some me time and I don’t want to get caught.  Thus, closet masturbation is born. Read the rest of this entry »

I consider myself an authority on spotting losers because, well, I used to be one. I only exempt myself now because I’m married. Not to say that all married men make quality boyfriends; I just feel that if you’re able to convince a woman to marry you after five years of dating, either you’re not a loser or you’re extraordinary at hiding it.

Obviously there are as many ways to tell if a potential man-date is a loser as there are breeds of crotch ponies. To complicate things, everyone has their own definition of what constitutes a loser. For instance, you may be perfectly fine dating a man I consider a loser because you’re desperate or you’re willing to overlook his lacking qualities in lieu of, say, his bank account. With that said, below is a list of signs the guy you just met is a loser

-When asked what he does, he says, “I’m in a band,” or “I’m an artist.” Read the rest of this entry »

Maybe it’s my age, experience, or perhaps I’m not as kinky as I thought, but a recent blog, “Rape Fantasy: the ultimate taboo,” caught me off guard. It revealed that some women fantasize about being raped. Fantasies are great. They’re fun and they enhance sex, but I also think they are best shared only with a trusting partner. Victims of rape or sexually assault don’t want to know how some women enjoy role playing games involving forced sex. It’s also not a good idea to tell potential rapists that some people like to imagine being “overpowered and forced to surrender.” Some men may take this controlled fantasy out of context, and transform it into a harsh reality. Read the rest of this entry »

After reading Dirty Talk 101 and Dirty Talk 201, you’re ready to turn the heat up.

I’ll admit that a few times while working on a chat line, the caller would actually turn me on with vivid details of what he looked like, at least in both of our minds. I’d react to his voice and start imagining myself what it would be like to fuck him. Men like these made me enjoy talking dirty and making callers cum with just my words. The excitement of making a man with just your voice is orgasmic. When done right, the rush is orgasmic!!

(language below NSFW)

Read the rest of this entry »

Hopefully you’ve mastered the lessons from Dirty Talk 101, and are ready for some more advanced word play in Dirty Talk 201.

Men are very visual creatures who have overactive imaginations when it comes to sex. A man once told me his imagination was so good he could switch hands and swear he was with sisters. Nice! A true 2-for-none special. To activate your man’s sexual imagination, detailed description and sexual imagery are extremely important. Read the rest of this entry »

I have a gift. I can talk dirty to men and the occasional woman and not feel ashamed or dirty. That’s pretty fucking cool considering most women can’t even tell their husbands to give them some dick while alone in bed together. Most people look at being a phone sex operator as a dirty job for skanks and hookers, but I’m neither. I have a Bachelors’ Degree in Communication.  During the day I took Interpersonal Communication and at night I practiced Personal Communication. So, for all you ladies, who want to talk dirty, but just don’ t know where to begin, here are some pointers. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve met enough penises in my time to know that like lollipops, dicks come in all shapes and sizes. The fact is that most dicks are between five to seven inches erect; the real question is, does size matter? Read the rest of this entry »

For more news and reviews of the summer’s biggest movies, check out the CL Movies & Television site.

I’ve never been smacked in the face with a dick, but I imagine the experience is a lot like watching Brüno. The first 15 minutes of the movie is a penis shock-and-awe campaign, with a pink bunny-costume dick, a dick on the end of a stick and a talking dick that shouts “Brüno!” out of its peehole. That’s in addition to the many items — dicks, dildos, champagne bottles, etc. — going in and out of assholes obscured only by a little black dot. If there is one word to describe Brüno, it’s Cocktastic.

(Listen to Joe and Joran break down the movie in this week’s Reel Projections podcast after the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m back on the hunt for my next fuck buddy applicant. The qualified applicant I came across wasn’t available to accept the position - he already had an employer and was just testing the market. It was a great interview that ended too soon. I was prepared to have multiple interviews and multiple organisms with him, but that’s the way it sometimes goes with fuck buddies.

My quest for a dependable, exciting fuck buddy has inspired and shocked my friends. I have one girlfriend who’s recently divorced and sees the wisdom in the fuck buddy application process. Meet them, take their application, give them a thorough interview and either offer them the job or kick them to the curb. It’s not that hard of a process, just one you have to be careful of.  Read the rest of this entry »

I got thrown for a loop the other night.  I was sought out; someone wanted to turn in his fuck-buddy application.  I was reluctant at first. He’s not my normal type of applicant.  He’s not my normal type of anything.  That’s what makes him so unique and alluring.

I went to meet him with the idea of swapping ideas, not body fluids.  We’re colleagues and thought we could stimulate some creative juices–and stimulating juices is exactly what happened. Read the rest of this entry »

She opened up her cash register
to give me change.
I believe it was the wonder
model number double D.

“The bigger the better” she said.
“Less trips to the bank.”
But I didn’t buy that she
had a bank account that
didn’t get slept on.
And it likely shared a space
with a .22 revolver. Read the rest of this entry »