Daily Loaf

Last week’s episode sure got my hopes up. I hate to keep complaining about what a snooze-fest this season is, but seriously, it is. Is it the contestants? Is it the editing of the show? Why can’t someone cut themselves or make out with another contestant like last season? Oh, it’s supposed to be about the food – right.

This week’s Quickfire consisted of creating a TV dinner (in a plastic tray, even) inspired by a classic television show. Redbeard (Kevin) gets The Sopranos, so he makes meatballs. Okay. Eli gets Gilligan’s Island, so he makes macadamia nut-crusted shrimp. Fitting. Ceveech (Jen) gets The Flintstones, so she makes a chicken roulade. Huh? And Jersey Mike has never even seen Seinfeld so he just pulls something out of his ass. I understand that most of the shows are a bit before their time, but seriously, who isn’t familiar with them? Maybe I expected some of them to be a little more cultured and up-to-date on their classic television (excluding Jersey Mike). Anyway, Redbeard takes the win. Big surprise, though I was a little amazed that he didn’t use pork in his dish.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs were let loose in Tom’s restaurant, Craftsteak, where they go apeshit over all of the choice proteins they think they’re going to use. Then their guest judge is introduced: Natalie Portman! And guess what? She’s a vegetarian! (Didn’t we see this in Top Chef Masters?) The cheftestants’ faces then immediately took on the “oh shit” look and they all turned white.

Jersey Mike claimed to be an expert on vegetarian cuisine, Redbeard said he doesn’t eat meat during Lent (meaning: he doesn’t eat pork products), and Eli proceeded to give vegetarians a lovely compliment by saying that they’re “lower human beings”. In the end, Jersey Mike tries to pass of undercooked leeks as a protein and gets the axe, while Redbeard takes the win with his “manly” veggie dish.

More fashion foibles this season: Padma’s tube top/pant suit atrocity, Ceveech’s tube top dress and open-toe ankle boots ensemble a la Pretty Woman, and Gail Simmons’ green prom dress circa Dynasty ‘86.

Podcast highlights: Natalie’s colorful language at the dinner table and her lack of ethnic friends, Ceveech’s “Philly Camaro” hair and falling self-esteem, and a plethora of ”That’s what she said” jokes.

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Is it episode 8 already? Well, we’re still here, still podcasting about Top Chef Las Vegas (no, this isn’t the Hell’s Kitchen podcast). Unfortunately this week we are sans our resident wine guru, Taylor. Fortunately, Jeff provided us with a different form of bubbly to enjoy during our gab session this week- Stella Artois (whose commercials play during Top Chef- coincidence?).

 At the beginning of the episode we learned that Angry Bro (Mike V.) thinks he’s the Babe Ruth of Top Chef and that Eli still lives at home – he’d admit this on national television, why?

The Quickfire revealed that Charlie Palmer is the guest judge and former boss of the V. Brothers (and swore he won’t play favorites), and their secret ingredient is a potato chip. Classy, Bravo.  They’ve already had to pair shots with dishes, so why not snack food this time around? Personally, I’d pair my Funyuns with a braised lamb shank in a lovely sherry demi glace. Ceveech was a nervous wreck again this week and it looks like she didn’t use her Macy’s gift card from last week’s win to get herself a makeover (your roots are showing, girl). Eli ends up taking home this challenge (cough*finally*cough) and represents for ATL. He also muses that he can be the first to win a Quickfire and Elimination Challenge in the same episode. Right.

For the Elimination Challenge, each cheftestant had to use a different cut of pork for their dish and pair it with the pinot noir they chose to use.  Who knew Eli was such a wino, I mean- wine connoisseur? They then had to cook for 150 guests at Charlie Palmer’s fundraiser event, Pigs and Pinot. Of course, the V. Brothers, Redbeard (Kevin), and Ceveech got great reviews, while Ash, Robin and Whatsherface’s (Laurine) dishes were not so popular at this event.

Much to our surprise (hint of sarcasm), Redbeard won with a pork dish again, and Ash ended up getting the boot. (Top Chef Rule #3: Don’t tell the judges that you didn’t cook the dish that you had originally intended to.) It was good that they put Ash out of his misery, though - after learning that he could no longer clean Picasso’s paintbrushes, he felt that the Top Chef life just wasn’t worth living.

Looks like it’s Restaurant Wars next week, so maybe we’ll finally see some action that will have us on the edge of our seats. Well, enough action to keep our interest, at least.

Highlights: Laurine makes cat food, Robin being “passive-aggressive” and at the center of the drama in the house (seen here), asking: “What Would Carla Do?”, our predictions for Padma’s baby-daddy, and the best “That’s What She Said” line of the episode.

Hear the hilarious podcast after the jump:
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This week, we’re back in the Champagne Room (aka: the podcast bunker) to kvetch about episode 7 of  Top Chef. (What did you think this was, the Project Runway Podcast?)

Was this episode painfully boring or was it just my short attention span? I’m going to sum it up much like the cheftestants had to get the specs for their Quickfire dish, Cookstr-style: Tired, bland, and contrived. Tyler Florence (insert Applebee’s sellout joke here) didn’t even add to the excitement as the guest judge:  he lacks the street cred that the majority of the prior guest judges this season had.

For the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs had to create a dish using the three description words that the Cookstr slot machine gave them. What is “stressed” food, by the way? ‘Stress food’, as in, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s? Or maybe a lobster that was just dropped into a boiling cauldron of water. I digress. Ultimately, we learned that passing off a Middle Eastern dish with Indian curry to Padma just doesn’t fly, Jersey Mike really knows his Asian food- note the sarcasm, and Ceveech sure loves her scallops (maybe we’ll start calling her ‘Top Scallop’ from now on).

For the Elimination Challenge, the players drew knives to see who they’d be teamed up with to cook a potluck-style dinner for Tyler Florence and Macy’s Culinary Council (some great chefs they gave no background info on)…in their own home kitchen. 10 chefs + 1 home kitchen = madness. Each team got a mystery bag of ingredients they had to use in their dish, along with whatever was in the pantry. The only major drama in this part of the episode was the pairing of Jersey and Robin, Angry Brother (Mike V.) losing power to his electric wok, and Ashley’s over salted gnocchi.

Ceveech ends up taking the win, getting a $10k gift card from Macy’s, which hopefully she’ll end up spending on a new wardrobe and on an entire makeover (too bad you can’t buy class). Much to my delight, greaseball Ben Folds was sent packing for her salty gnocchi and all-around bad idea for a dish. The show will feel much cleaner now.

Highlights: The horrid clothes this episode (namely Padma, Tom, and Ben Folds), Ash sure knows how to set a table (is this Top Tablescape Artist?), Hot Bro (Bryan) gets all sassy and puts everyone in their place for ragging on his lil’ bro, and where the heck is Whatsherface (Laurine) this episode?

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This week we discussed episode 2 of Top Chef Masters: The Lost Supper. Our special guest this week was Jeff Houck, food writer for The Tampa Tribune, who added a great dose of humor to the show and kept us in stitches.
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