Daily Loaf

Why would I, a straight man, review a collection of essays about women’s sex lives, and more importantly, why would I choose to do so on my honeymoon? Either I’m a caring husband searching for insight into pleasing my new wife, or I’m a calculating bastard researching ways to maneuver through discreet affairs. Whatever the case, I started Behind the Bedroom Door, expecting a series of romantic comedy plot lines: a torrent of quirky yet troubled sexual encounters redeemed by a meaningful relationship still in its honeymoon phase. After all, who’d write an essay about their lukewarm sex life when their current partner was sure to read it (coincidentally my marital sex life is like the opening night of a Cirque Du Soleil performance). Read the rest of this entry »

For those who don’t know me, my head is always in the gutter; hell I rent out the sewer! I’m blunt when it comes to sex and relationships! Lately I’ve been dealing with all my girlfriends’ drama and issues, but I’ve become aggravated when they don’t listen. To save me many hours spent half-listening to girlfriends cry into their phones over ruined relationships while shoveling comfort foods, I’ve decided to catalog my dating advice for you to flip through at will. Think of it as an encyclopedia for dealing with and dating men.

For my first entree I tackle the problem of asking your man stupid questions about your appearance.

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You know that feeling you get when you stop at the ATM and your balance is dramatically lower than you expected? And then you feel like a cretin for three or four days?  That has terrible written all over it. Why do we put such value in our status in life? And with that in mind, do you judge yourself or estimate your self value by the relationship you are in or how many people you sleep with?  That’s a one way ticket to an over populated region called “Disappointment Town”.

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What is it about immortal blood sucking broodaholics that makes women swoon?  Is it the danger?  Is it the biting?  Because trust me girls, I can nibble your neck and I’ve been known to walk fast with a pair of scissors in my hand.  Or perhaps it’s something unattainable to us, the meek mortal man.

Vampire stories such as Twilight and True Blood are currently the hottest things on the market from books, to film/TV and even sex toys.  What gives?  The thought of having my blood removed from the warmth of my veins does not get me wild in the pants.  But the ladies, the ladies do love their undead bad boys.  They want to be taken to the edge and peer over the side.  It drives their juices and makes their heart feel a new sense of life.  The thought that you could be laying with your lover and in the throes of passion and he could take your life must be a mighty intoxicant.  But give me a shot of tequila over a chalice of blood any day.

Edward Cullen does have quite a few more desirable qualities than say Count Dracula.  For one he doesn’t consistently look like he’s heading to the opera.  He’s a moody, anti-social, and more Abercrombie than Hot Topic.  And you’d being lying if you couldn’t admit those eyes are DREAMY. Read the rest of this entry »

I always wished I was born with a spectacular voice. Instead, I ended up being the tone-deaf one in the family. I would give anything to belt show tunes in the right key, be the lead singer in a kick-ass punk-rock band, or even sing karaoke without sounding like Patty and Selma from the Simpsons. Like many people in America, I am also intrigued by young, talented singers — kids whose sweet voices cause the hair on my arms to raise. Naturally, I fell in love with Tuesday night’s premiere of Fox’s Glee.

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I have a natural and somewhat unexplained affinity for all things having to do with India. I’ve also really liked British director Danny Boyle ever since he made zombie attacks (in 28 Days Later) and heroin addiction (in Trainspotting) seem so aesthetically cool.

So, naturally, when my dad told me about a new Boyle movie called Slumdog Millionaire about a poor Indian kid who ends up winning a million dollars, I was interested.

I wasn’t even deterred by my grandma, who had no problem telling me once she found out I wanted to see the movie that it was the “worst movie of the year.” I love her dearly – but guess what, grandma? Slumdog took away the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture- Drama – and three additional Globes – on Sunday, proving that more than a few people disagree about it being the worst movie of the year… Read the rest of this entry »