“Would you like to hold my light saber?” If you’re a nerd it’s your quintessential pick-up line when you go wherever you might go to meet ladies. It’s cute, geek-topical and extremely inoffensive. But what’s a guy to do if the woman’s he’s trying to Jedi mind-trick into bed has never seen the epic Star Wars trilogy? May virginity be with you.
I had a dream the other night that I was on a transatlantic flight on its way to Africa. I was sitting next to a man in a brown jacket, clown pants and Jesus sandals who kept repeating, “Down we go.” That should have given me a clue to the unfortunate end to my dream, or nightmare, but it didn’t. Suddenly, the no-smoking sign started flashing a blood-red color and the pilot got on the intercom and said something along the lines of, “We are going down, hold on to your fucking hats.” I couldn’t really make out what he said, but I’ve always thought that would be the best way to break the news to the passengers. If we’re going to die, I don’t want to hear, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to bring an unfortunate situation to your attention. Blah, blah, blah.” Cut to the chase, man! Anyway, to make a long story short, we plummeted thousands of feet into an island and, magically, I was the only survivor. That is the point when I woke up. And for some batshit crazy reason, the first thing I thought of was an episode of The Office when the employees play Desert Island. This taught me something about myself: Apparently, if I were the sole survivor of a plane crash on a deserted island, the most important thing to me would be what movies I was carrying on me and how I could watch them. So, if that were to happen, and if there were a television and DVD player on this said island, these are the movies I would take… Read the rest of this entry »
For a cast of superhuman freaks, you would think Heroes would have some power over the future of their show. Unfortunately, Heroes’ kryptonite is cancellation. Since the start of the third season, “Volume Three: Villains,” there has been speculation that the show could be dropped. Given the rumors, I have listed a set of tips that could help save the show. I hope they work because, if they don’t, I’ll be out of a good show on Monday nights. And God knows I don’t plan on settling for the ultra-hyper-child Howie Mandel and his godforsaken Deal or No Deal.
1) Lose the cheerleader. Claire Bennet, played by Hayden Panetierre, must go. Spontaneous regeneration was interesting at first, but I’ve come to the realization that that means she can never die. She will always be around. Heroes must find a way to end this. I’ve had enough of her bitching and moaning. She gets shot twice in the stomach, her body spits the bullets out and heals itself, then she continues to sulk. I can only take so much of her playing the downtrodden, troubled teenager, which, for people who don’t watch the show, she is not. The girl gets everything she wants. Also, I can’t watch her fight crime in eight-inch stilettos and Gucci sweater vests any longer. It’s like fashion week every day at the Bennet house… Read the rest of this entry »
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