Daily Loaf

So you think you throw the classiest shindigs, the sickest shit-fests the Bay has ever seen? Whatever. Your party will be forgotten as soon as the hangovers clear and you’re still fishing Solo keg cups out of the pool. What you need to make your event legendary is a media blitz. A quarter page ad and a featured spot on CL’s email blast. Coverage by CL’s Sex & Love editor Shawn Alff, who will immortalize your bash with photographs and a sweet-ass writeup. An online picture gallery and Youtube clips. A commemorative package you can keep for your grandchildren to show them you really knew how to party balls.

Suggested opening bid: $50

Place your bid below:

I love children, so long as they’re not screaming at a restaurant, shoving food on the floor, puking Gerber on my shoulder, interrupting my sleep, filling their diapers with green shit, or spoiling my social plans with emergency hospital visits. Maybe I only love other peoples’ kids, particularly my brother’s son who will carry on the proud family name by being extraordinarily average.

I may have kids one day, but not so long as I’m married to a biologist who believes overpopulation is at the root of all environmental problems. Living in the continuous strip mall that is Pinellas County, it’s hard to avoid the squeeze of overpopulation encroaching on every side not unlike the legions of change-hungry meth-addicts who swarm the moment I step outside. Who hasn’t felt the urge to lessen the overpopulation problem by veering off the road to clip a beached-whale of a tourist waddling across the street followed by a soccer team of unruly chubsters? And maybe it’s just me, but why the hell does the government not offer tax breaks to couples without children instead of breeders?

A new book, No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children, by Corinne Maier agrees with me. Read the rest of this entry »

Immaculate pool conception: Magdalena Kwitatkowska sued an Egyptian hotel after discovering that her 13-year-old daughter, whom she believes is a virgin, was impregnated by a stray sperm while swimming in the hotel’s pool.

A good excuse: In Australia, charges of driving without a license were dropped after the 24 year-old defendant explained to the judge why he so desperately needed to drive to his cousin’s house: “My cousin was about to [have sex with] this girl and he needed his bag because it had his condoms in it.” Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve seen a number of risque ads in my time (see PETA’s sex with vegetables ad), but I’ve never seen a Sprite used in a bukkake scene (if you don’t know what bukkake means don’t Google it).

This Sprite commercial features an attractive woman performing oral sex on a nude man. Midway through she stops and considers how she could really go for a Sprite right about now.

Enter a crotch level Sprite, which has obviously received some vigorous stimulation. In slow motion, the soda explodes all over the thirsty woman’s face in a mess of fizzy white.

I’d have liked to believe that this ad was created by Sprite’s creative and thrifty marketing group, who knew the spot would be banned and go viral. On the internet the ad would receive a second life, reaching the key demographic of internet surfers like you and me, desperate for something to distract us from work, or unemployment. Read the rest of this entry »

Despite most males’ fondness for their Y chromosome, a new study conducted at Penn State predicts that the male sex chromosome may soon be lopped off–soon in evolutionary time: a few million years.

Before you female readers start celebrating the triumph of the X chromosome over Y, you should know that this prediction is based on the theory that the Y chromosome has evolved at an accelerated rate, causing the chromosome to shed useless genes–like the genes controlling table manners and the need to talk on the phone about nothing for hours. Read the rest of this entry »

SUMMER

Florida’s Fetish Weekend. Itching to break in a whip or have your nipples electrocuted? Toss your best fetish gear in the Honda and head over to Fort Lauderdale for the 14th annual Fetish Weekend. The largest fetish event in North America, this 3-day fiesta attracts 2,000 enthusiasts to its main ball and themed socials: “The Beat & Greet,” “Extreme Players Bash” and the pool party. Dress code is strictly enforced so if you’re wearing chaps make sure they’re ass-less. May 22-24. fetishfactory.com.

Gay Days Orlando. Gay Days began 19 years ago as a single day when members of the GLBT community made an organized show of visibility by wearing bright red shirts and invading Disney’s Magic Kingdom. Since then, it’s expanded to a weeklong festival with over 135,000 people attending 40 citywide events, including wine tastings, female impersonator pageants, musical performances, comedy shows and a slew of club and hotel parties. Though Disney has more than a few pants-less, sexually ambiguous characters, the company doesn’t officially sponsor Gay Days, but plenty of other area businesses are out and proud in their support. June 2-8. gaydays.com.

(PICS Below break are NSFW) Read the rest of this entry »

Sex sells, so it makes sense that sex appeal is often used to market the green movement. Several magazines have recently come out with “sexy” ways to go green that are as impractical and as much of an ego stroke as buying a Mini Cooper. While I’m also jumping on the “green sex” bandwagon, I aim to provide ways to go green in the sack that are more practical than sexy.

Don’t have kids!!! Kids are so unsexy. Not only will these little bastards kill your sex life, sully your nightlife, and make it increasingly difficult to afford romantic getaways, they’re also the largest source of pollution worldwide–considering they grow up to become full-fledged consumer-whore polluters like you and me. No environmental organizations or political groups want to admit the evils of children for fear of being misanthropic, but it’s simple math. If you want to reduce the human strain on the earth, reduce the number of people. Instead of donating money to reactionary programs like “feeding the homeless” or “starving children” funds, be proactive by supporting groups like Planned Parenthood that attack the problem at the source.

Use condoms: Never listen to a dirty hippie who claims he doesn’t believe in condoms because they aren’t biodegradable. Read the rest of this entry »

“Let me show you my new implants,” announced a half-drunk wench Saturday at Tampa’s annual Gasparilla pirate invasion.

“Alright,” I said. It was the only logical response.

From my limited experience with breasts, I’d guess that she was lying about her healthy knockers being artificially enhanced, but I didn’t care. Her boobs could have looked like a dog’s ass and I’d still have been interested. Boobs are just plain intriguing. I wasn’t surprised by my inability to decline such offers, but I was taken aback by how many pirate lasses wanted to show off their cleavage or strike a sexual pose for CL’s cameras.

Having grown up in an age of reality TV, Girls Gone Wild, and YouTube, this generation has few apprehensions about acting rowdy on tape. It wasn’t just the women. Entire crowds reacted to the camera like the fake audiences on MTV’s spring break shows. Wherever the viewfinder swung, crews of pirates hoisted beers and gave genuine “Arghs.”

“Chicks love video cameras,” cameraman Clint informed me. Read the rest of this entry »