Daily Loaf

I’m not big on predicting the future. If I were any good at it, I’d be kicking back in a Las Vegas sportsbook, mango daiquiri in one hand, wad of hundreds in the other. But when the good folks at Creative Loafing offered to publish the 2009 McChumpies and wanted a look at 2010, who was I to refuse?

So fasten up, children. Away we go.

The Return Athlete of the Year McChumpy – Tiger Woods

Not only does Tiger return to the PGA Tour, he wins convincingly then signs on with his new sponsor Fidelity Investments.

The Supply and Demand McChumpy – Tall Free Agents

LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and a host of other basketball superstars will play roster musical chairs, tilt the balance of power in the NBA and get filthy rich in the process

The Did You Just See That McChumpy – Major League Baseball

Baseball minds will meet this off-season to discuss the merits of expanding instant replay. After all other sports have bettered themselves by employing such technology, why not baseball? In the end, baseball purists will win over, umpires will continue to get key calls wrong and fewer and fewer fans will watch the sport.

The Quest for Cowher McChumpy – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Half of Tampa Bay will call for Raheem Morris’ head despite his continued gradual success next season. He’ll eventually be run out of town… only to win a Super Bowl elsewhere.

The How Low Can You Go McChumpy – Multiple Winners

Once again, the Rams, Chiefs, Nationals, Pirates, Nets and Warriors will all stink without prejudice. Fans of these teams will invest heavily in paper bags to cover their heads in shame.

The What Channel Is It On McChumpy – US Soccer

The Americans will continue to prove they’re a force to be reckoned with in international soccer. Unfortunately, nobody in the country will notice.

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Al-Arian during an interview with Steve Emerson for the 1994 film "Jihad in America."

I came here from San Francisco to work for WMNF radio in the spring of 2000. (On that first weekend, Erin Brockovich was the must-see movie of the moment and the Gators were playing in the Final Four.) Since then, I’ve learned a lot about the area’s pre-2000 politics, but it was the first decade of the 21st century for which I had a front-row seat. Here’s my take on the biggest stories of the last ten years in Tampa Bay.

1. Sami Al-Arian (2001, 2003, 2005)
The Sami Al-Arian saga dominated the first part of this decade, a potent brew of politics, academia and post-9/11 paranoia. The story actually began in the mid-1990s, when the former USF computer science professor was suspended with pay by the university after it learned that the FBI was investigating Al-Arian’s think tank WISE (World Islam Studies Enterprise) in the wake of a provocative PBS documentary by terrorism researcher Steven Emerson.
Al-Arian had been reinstated at USF by the beginning of the decade, though this reporter grew familiar with his case while covering the detention hearing of his brother-in-law, Mazen Al-Najjar (who had been arrested in 1997 for alleged visa problems). While attending Al-Najjar’s detention hearings in Bradenton in the fall of 2000, I was struck by how much of it was not about Al-Najjar at all, but Sami Al-Arian. It seemed that the government was trying to squeeze Al-Najjar to possibly spill whatever beans there were on Al-Arian, but to the government’s frustration that never happened. At the end of 2000, a federal judge ordered Al-Najjar to be freed — a rare happy moment in a family whose lives were to be rocked dramatically for years to come. Read the rest of this entry »

After seeing Tiger Woods win AP Athlete of the Decade in light of his recent controversy and Serena Williams win the AP Female Athlete of the Year with images of her berating a line judge still fresh in our minds, I thought to myself, why not have my own awards ceremony? After all, my selections seem just as credible as any other sports pundit’s.

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I proudly present…. The 2009 McChumpies! Tuxedo not included.

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Nothing says “sex me up” like roller skates … wait. That’s weird. Oh well, any excuse to celebrate the holidays in smutty style works for me – including tomorrow’s Santa’s Sexy Helper Adult Skate. Come (I can’t help myself) in full naughty-list seasonal garb and get free admission. Just watch where you stick those Christmas lights. Thurs., Dec. 17, 9 p.m., United Skates, 5121 N. Armenia Ave., Tampa, $7 without costume, myspace.com/unitedadultnight. – Franki Weddington

Tonight’s installment in the Dali and Beyond surreal cinema series is Peter Capaldi’s Franz Kafka’s It’s A Wonderful Life — perfect for the Christmas cynic in all of us. Read the rest of this entry »

The Peace Couture celebrity fashion show — with catwalk sashays by Pat Burrell of the Rays, Miss Florida Rachael Todd, Wendy Ryan of ABC Action News, Ryan Nece (pictured left), Olympic gold medalist Brooke Bennett and more — also includes red carpet interviews by ABC Action News, in-house spa treatments courtesy of Saks Fifth Avenue and haute cuisine from Ruth’s Chris, 717 South, Square One, Bamboozle Cafe, Datz Deli, Raw Bar Sushi and more. Proceeds benefit The Spring of Tampa Bay, which works to end domestic violence. Visit thespring.org for more info. Mon., Nov. 2, 6-9 p.m., Saks Fifth Avenue, Westshore Plaza, Tampa, $50-$75.

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See a panel discussion with Lance Armstrong, his coach Chris Carmichael, six-time defending Leadville Trail 100 (LT100) champion Dave Wiens (pictured) and other elite cyclists broadcast before the theatrical debut of Race Across the Sky. This cycle-mentary is about the LT100 race in Leadville, CO, which attracts more than 1,000 entries each year and challenges competitors to run, mountain bike, and scale a 14,000 vertical climb in less than 12 hours, often in grueling snow or hail. Visit fathomevents.com for full list of participating locations. Thurs., Oct. 22, 8 p.m. $12.50.

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Woe is the Buccaneers fan. Let me preface this by saying I love the Bucs. They’re my NFL team and always will be. I’m not looking to switch allegiances and I never will.

But the 2009 Buccaneers are in trouble. While other NFL teams are already executing their game plans with near playoff-like precision, the Bucs are still miles away from establishing any sort of identity. Heading into the regular season, Tampa Bay’s coaching staff is no closer to answering crucial questions than it was four preseason games ago.

They start quarterback Byron Leftwich, who’s already been cut from several NFL rosters. Byron’s own family wouldn’t start him on their fantasy team. Citing directional differences, the Bucs fired their offensive coordinator, Jeff Jagodzinksi, days before the start of the season. They have no clear-cut, number one running back. They have no go-to wide receiver. In the off-season, they lost one of the greatest defensive minds in football. They’ve had off-the-field personnel issues. And their schedule is brutal. They play the NFC East this year, one of the toughest divisions in football, meaning before they even play a team in their own division, they will face Washington, Dallas, Philadelphia and the New York Giants, all Super Bowl contenders.

In the preseason, Tampa Bay went 1-3. Read the rest of this entry »

I was in a deep slumber last week when my phone rang. It was about 10 a.m. and I was resting comfortably on my couch, trying to pretend the Orlando Magic meltdown the night before never happened.

The Commish was on the other end of the phone. He had landed tickets to a special Buccaneers function and invited me to attend. New head coach Raheem Morris would be speaking and the event would certainly be worth writing about. Little did I know there would also be cheerleaders there.

Chalk Talk with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers is an annual luncheon held by the team which gives fans a chance to meet players and personnel. It’s kind of like the team’s State of the Union address. This year’s function was held at the Hyatt Downtown.

With all the off-season moves and acquisitions, a buzz surrounds these Buccaneers, as evidenced by the turnout. There were several hundred media members, fans, businesspeople and elected officials in attendance. Oh, and did I mention there were cheerleaders? Read the rest of this entry »

Richard Pryor hosted Saturday Night Live in its flagship season of 1975.  The interesting thing about that broadcast is that it wasn’t actually live.  Pryor’s comedy was so cutting edge and profane at the time that NBC used a delay, as they were uncertain what he might say next.
ESPN may want to consider borrowing that delay this season as Monday Night Football has announced the addition of Jon Gruden to its broadcast booth.  Gruden will replace Tony Kornheiser who no longer wanted to deal with the constant traveling.  Gruden joins Brian Billick, Mike Holmgren and Bill Cowher as Super Bowl winning coaches who have traded their headsets for earpieces.  They are all likely candidates to eventually return to the sidelines.

Gruden is a rare breed though.  After he replaced the beloved Tony Dungy as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach in 2002, former Buc Derrick Brooks was asked to describe the difference between the two men.  Without hesitation, Brooks replied “Coach Gruden curses a lot.”

Gruden’s presence in the MNF booth could give new meaning to the term “color commentary.”  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of profanity.

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The Rev. Wright ad that didn’t run — until ABC News got hold of it:

“You can call me Al”: Prez-Elect Obama and Prez-That-Almost-Was Gore sit down for a chat today.

Jay Leno is headed for prime time.

Do we really want Bush choosing our “car czar“?

If you were Madonna’s interior designer, you’d probably want to screw her over, too.

At the Tribune Company, it’s all about debt restructuring. (Why does this sound so familiar?)

A Marine Corps jet crashes into a San Diego neighborhood.

9/11 families and alleged 9/11 terrorists meet at Guantanamo.

The Bucs defense goes missing against the Panthers.

25.5-0. With the point spread, that was Detroit’s lead over the Bucs in the first quarter of Sunday’s game. And yours truly was feeling like the smartest guy in the world for having taken the Lions in his pick ‘em league, as if I’d asked out a girl I was supposed to have no chance with and scored.

By halftime, I wasn’t so smart.

True, Detroit still held a four-and-a-half-point advantage with the spread, but I knew that wouldn’t last long. And it didn’t.

The Lions didn’t merely implode. They got sucked into a black hole of incompetence from which nothing positive could escape. The final score of 38-20 doesn’t do the collapse justice. But having seen the game with my own eyes, I now understand why that team is 0-11 and well on its way to 0-16. And I honestly don’t know how head coach Rod Marinelli keeps his job by season’s end. To be honest, I don’t know how any of the coaches or players keep their jobs — if ever a team needed an enema, it’s the Detroit Lions. Take it from one player quoted in the Detroit Free Press after the game:

“I don’t think we know how to deal with the lead,” defensive tackle Shaun Cody said. “Obviously it showed. One thing goes bad, and I think guys start thinking, ‘Oh, no. Here we go again.’ You kind of get that feeling.

Lord, give me the strength to lay off the Lions and the points for the rest of the season.

Headline I wish I could have used (but might have been too obscure): “Hello, Sheba neighba” (for Brian Ries’ review of Abol Bunna). Make-believe bonus points for anyone who gets the reference.

Word that doesn’t get used nearly enough: Skeevy. It means exactly what it sounds and looks like. Just typing it makes me want to take a hot shower.

Even though it’s Heart Attack Monday, I’m having a hard time finding something — anything — to be cranky about. This weekend I ate my son’s Halloween candy (especially the Nestle Crunch and Butterfinger bars). I got eight much-needed hours of sleep last night, and then woke up with some rather attractive bed head that no one’s ragged me about (yet). The Bucs won. My beloved Dolphins won, too, and are now 4-4 on the season. We’ve finished the paper well ahead of schedule, and later tonight I’ll head over to Dubliner with my football-shaped glass to watch the Monday Night game between the Steelers and Redskins. Wade has been too busy to bust my balls, and there are two bags of candy in my filing cabinet from last Friday’s Halloween festivities at the Loaf office.

On the downside, I fell asleep late Saturday night about halfway through one of the most awesomely bad movies ever, Planet of the Apes (the 2001 Tim Burton version). Whatever heavy-handed social message this film pretends to have on its tiny little mind is secondary to a ridiculously over-the-top Tim Roth as General Thade— “Extremism in defense of apes is no vice” — and Michael Clarke Duncan as a hulking gorilla soldier. And if there is such a thing as “reverse star power,” Mark Wahlberg has it, and it’s mesmerizing to watch.

It’s halftime, and the Bucs are getting their asses handed to them by the 1-6 Chiefs, 24-13. In today’s St. Pete Times, Stephen F. Holder confidently picked the Bucs to win 20-10. Oops. The Chiefs’ offense has been very successful, running all over the Bucs’ fifth-ranked defense. And to add insult to injury, they burned Tampa Bay’s secondary for a touchdown out of the Wildcat formation. The Bucs were supposed to feast on QB Tyler Thigpen, who is making only his second straight start this year, but he’s getting the job done and showing considerable poise.

Meanwhile, Tampa Bay’s offense has looked shaky, and Jeff Garcia has already thrown a pick. On the bright side, Clifton Smith returned a kickoff 97 yards for a touchdown and Matt Bryant added a field goal just before the end of the half. Will it be enough to spark a comeback? Stay tuned…

They say good things come in threes. Apparently, so do bad things. To wit:

Rocco DiSpirito, the self-absorbed tool who used his elderly mom like a pack mule to make meatballs on the NBC/Bravo reality series The Restaurant, crawls out from under his rock to star in Rocco Gets Real on A&E.  “There’s nothing I love more than helping people find their place at the table,” he says. Wrong. There’s nothing Rocco loves more than Rocco.

Jon Gruden. Your team’s down by four points with less than a minute to play, and the Cowboys were favored by 2.5. Kick the field goal. Forget going for the win — I needed your team to kick the field goal. Next time, just cover the spread and take your loss like a man, m’kay?

Patti LaBelle. For being yet another diva who turned the National Anthem into a interminable ordeal of hubris and inappropriate vocal acrobatics. If you’re gonna croon a slow, soulful version of “The Star Spangled Banner,” you’ve got to be good. Like Marvin Gaye before the 1983 NBA All-Star game good. Not only was Patti not good, she even sang the wrong words: “perilous LIGHT”?! And to add insult to aural injury, she also added words, repeating “free” three excruciating times. Sitting through the National Anthem is usually an anxiety-inducing experience, fearing for the person charged with singing a difficult song that dares you to hit “the rocket’s red glare” without cracking off key. This just made me cringe.