Daily Loaf

Last week, I posted the first part of a story about my recent abortion. I left off on a Saturday, puking my guts out and trying to figure out how I was going to pay for the procedure. Here’s the second portion of my story:

By Sunday, I was still a mess: sleepy, queasy, grumpy, bloaty (7 dwarves of pregnancy?) and my tits hurt like hell.

The previous evening, I had canceled plans with my ex, let’s call him “Marc,” telling him I had a stomach flu. When he called the next day and I was still sick, he wanted to take me to see a doctor. I was stuck: I wanted to spare his feelings, but hated lying to him.

“I’m not sick,” I began. “I’m, well… I’m pregnant.” Read the rest of this entry »

In his wonderfully bizarre collection, Obamania, photographer Uwe Ommer returns to the excitement so many of us felt about Barack Obama’s election by portraying a beautiful, nude women in Obama masks. Yes we cans, if you will.

These photos are weird, funny, sexy, political and brilliant, but mostly, they just make me smile. Below is a selection of Ommer’s work, but check out his website for the full caboodle. Read the rest of this entry »

This position offers a lesson on both love and balance. The man squats on the floor, balancing on only his feet. The woman then straddles him, allowing penetration. The movement is described as a back and forth rocking motion, similar to that of a hammock. There’s also a variation on the movement, where the motion is rather stationary until the woman is ready to orgasm. Read the rest of this entry »

We all know someone who thinks of himself as a “bad boy,” the kind of guy who claims he can “mack” on any “hooze bag” in a bar. The name “bad boy” is slightly misleading. When I think of bad, I think of UFC fighters or extreme athletes. For the most part, “bad boys” are more of the poser, douche bag variety–the kind of guys who wear trendy clothes featuring the brands of UFC fighters or extreme sports. Douches tend to be ultra conformists who follow trends, are hyper narcissistic, and are completely self centered dick weeds. These are the dudes I spent my high school years hating, and my college years trying to take a few tips from. Despite what you think about douches, they seemingly feast on an endless buffet of one-night-stands. Read the rest of this entry »

Immaculate pool conception: Magdalena Kwitatkowska sued an Egyptian hotel after discovering that her 13-year-old daughter, whom she believes is a virgin, was impregnated by a stray sperm while swimming in the hotel’s pool.

A good excuse: In Australia, charges of driving without a license were dropped after the 24 year-old defendant explained to the judge why he so desperately needed to drive to his cousin’s house: “My cousin was about to [have sex with] this girl and he needed his bag because it had his condoms in it.” Read the rest of this entry »

Hollywood Bro Fight!

On a new episode of Entourage this weekend, the characters made references to Seth Rogen’s “ugliness” as being “oddly fascinating” in debating whether Rogen could get with a woman like Katherine Heigl in real life.

Seth is pissed and is striking back:

“Yeah, I actually ran into Kevin Dillon in a Starbucks, and he’s like ‘You know, I’ve got to kind of apologize because apparently the guy who created our show doesn’t like you so much’ and I said, ‘Well, I have reason to believe because I think Doug Ellin is a moron from all I can understand, so it makes sense he doesn’t like me.’ And I’ve kind of said some disparaging things about the show. Although in our defense,

Read the rest of this entry »

Getting into position: The woman draws her knees up while the man positions himself over her. Trapping her thighs in what is described as a “tight knot,” he saddles her and rides her buttocks all the way to orgasmville!

On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate position? 8

Did you have difficulty getting into the position? Slight difficulty. You will have to play with this one a bit to understand exactly what “tight knot” means. I’m not even sure we got it completely right … but if what I did was wrong, I don’t want to be right! Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve seen a number of risque ads in my time (see PETA’s sex with vegetables ad), but I’ve never seen a Sprite used in a bukkake scene (if you don’t know what bukkake means don’t Google it).

This Sprite commercial features an attractive woman performing oral sex on a nude man. Midway through she stops and considers how she could really go for a Sprite right about now.

Enter a crotch level Sprite, which has obviously received some vigorous stimulation. In slow motion, the soda explodes all over the thirsty woman’s face in a mess of fizzy white.

I’d have liked to believe that this ad was created by Sprite’s creative and thrifty marketing group, who knew the spot would be banned and go viral. On the internet the ad would receive a second life, reaching the key demographic of internet surfers like you and me, desperate for something to distract us from work, or unemployment. Read the rest of this entry »

Getting into the position: The woman either gets down on her hands and knees or hands and feet. The man then approaches from behind, lifts one of her ankles behind her and places it onto his shoulder. Read the rest of this entry »

When creating sexual aids, i.e. porn, for the handicapped, one of the most common misconceptions is that they’re into vanilla sex, but the handicapped are just as freaky as the rest of us. While it may surprise you to learn there’s porn specifically for the blind and deaf, it may shock you to discover that there’s porn for the deaf who are into giantesses (giant women), CGI, feet, vore (being eaten whole), and crushing (being stepped on). Read the rest of this entry »

Getting into the position: This motion is accomplished by a standing man seizing his partner’s feet and lifting them high into the air like a wheel barrow, until her yoni is within range of his manhood. Read the rest of this entry »

Getting into the position: Crush milky chunks of cactus with sulfur and realgar. Dry this mixture seven times until it can be easily turned into powder. Add in a monkey turd and sprinkle mixture over your lover’s head. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m back on the hunt for my next fuck buddy applicant. The qualified applicant I came across wasn’t available to accept the position - he already had an employer and was just testing the market. It was a great interview that ended too soon. I was prepared to have multiple interviews and multiple organisms with him, but that’s the way it sometimes goes with fuck buddies.

My quest for a dependable, exciting fuck buddy has inspired and shocked my friends. I have one girlfriend who’s recently divorced and sees the wisdom in the fuck buddy application process. Meet them, take their application, give them a thorough interview and either offer them the job or kick them to the curb. It’s not that hard of a process, just one you have to be careful of.  Read the rest of this entry »

For much of my life I didn’t think women enjoyed dudes touching their breasts, mainly because my idea of feeling a girl up involved handling her breasts and nipples like a malfunctioning electronic device that needed to be tweaked and prodded in order to work. It wasn’t until I started dating women self confident and mature enough to instruct me, that I realized the breasts can be a huge source of pleasure for women. Read the rest of this entry »

Fire in the desert with intermediary
ocean dips happened one day
in my summer abode.

Opposing circumstances fell with
tectonic force in this brief section
of life, she was everything to me
as I to her and uncharted emotions
found my definition of perfection.

But the same worldly force that dropped
us in
this realm of unambiguous crazy passion love,
in a matter of a few full shadow clocks had our
grasp sliced and our reach shortened even faster. Read the rest of this entry »