As far as I’m concerned, the Fourth of July begins and ends on Coney Island, at the Nathan’s Famous World Hot Dog Eating Contest. For 93 years, people have been lining up to see this freakish intersection of speed and gluttony, fascinated and appalled by the enormous capacity of today’s competitive eaters. Last year, professional gurgitator Joey Chestnut performed a feat reminiscent of the Miracle On Ice, defeating six-time world champ and seemingly unstoppable force Takeru Kobayashi. Not only did Chestnut soundly beat the diminutive Japanese competitor, he set a new world record by eating 66 dogs and buns in just 12 minutes, 11 more than the previous top score.

Don’t think you can just show up and join the fun; these days you have to win a qualifying contest to enter the Nathan’s Championship. Go to the International Federation of Competitive Eating to check out other upcoming events, and get tips on how the pros do their grotesque thing.

St. Pete’s own Dairy Inn will also hold their, much more relaxed competition on July 4th, starting at 11:30 a.m. Stop by the restaurant to pick up an entry form, along with a great burger and a shake.

You can also read my piece on competitive eating to get a little more background, as well as a glimpse into my own mercifully brief foray into the stomach-stretching arts.

Not only that, but they’ll also be paying the expense of the eight teams they choose to compete just to make it to the final team, which I talked about here.

The Barack Star — a white pizza (uhm?) with ricotta, tomato, feta and pesto;
or
The Meaty McCain, your typical meat-lover’s special.
Gourmet will keep track of the sales and post a monthly victor on the restaurant’s website.

This opens up a whole new, unwanted layer to the already tough pizza decision making process. What if I want the meat pizza, but don’t want to throw in with McCain, or vice versa? Could I end up buying a pizza I don’t want in a meaningless show of political solidarity with my chosen candidate? Sigh. I’ll just take a plain cheese, thanks.

We actually ordered a bit of both. The McCain was fine, although the ham was a bit bland and chunky. The Barack was, well, odd. It tasted fine, creamy with a big hit of garlic, but the bright green pesto star in the center was a bit disconcerting. Draw your own conclusions.

Know about any other restaurants or stores running similar politico-gustatory polls?

Here’s some footage of the winners in action:

Screw the local stuff, David, why not go back to the big leagues? Uber-chefs Thomas Keller and Daniel Boulud will be heading up Team USA in next year’s Bocuse D’Or — the most prestigious culinary competition in the world — and they’re planning to have an old-school chef-off in Orlando this September to pick a team. Judges will include a who’s who of culinary luminaries — Trotter, Batali, Ripert, Colicchio, Pepin and many more — and the competition will be judged on a long list of criteria.

Interested? Most teams are being invited by Keller or Boulud, but you can fill out an application and dare to dream. (More info at Grub Street.)

The Bocuse D’Or is named after French culinary icon Paul Bocuse. I met the guy while pouring wine at an event in Sarasota a bout a decade ago. He’s a bit of a jerk. Go Team USA!

Today the NYT discussed the tendency that big fast food has of stealing good ideas from little fast food, so I thought it was high time to do a little head-to-head taste test. The results of my scientific research are after the break -

McDonald’s Southern Chicken Sandwich – It’s noticeably smaller than the CFA version and the bun has an odd brownish tint to it, although it’s not advertised as whole grain or wheat. On first bite, the “all white meat” chicken has a reconstituted texture, although not nearly as egregious as other McD chicken products. The two pickles are weak, but the breading on the patty is damn crunchy. The biggest flaw is the bun, which tastes like it’s been held just shy of stale by weird food science arts, that buttery flavor a vague chemical overtone in the back of my mouth. On the fast food scale of tasty, guilty goodness it rates about 2.5/5.

Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich — The bun is noticeably fresher, with that steamy, almost gooey Wonder quality. The breading is not nearly as crunchy as McD, except at the edges, but the chicken still ends up the star. Even after all these years and through the growth of the chain, CFA has managed to leave its chicken be. It still tastes and feels like meat you could buy in the store, moist and a bit innocuous. There are three pickles and their juice leaks into the toasted bun, which is more “buttery” than buttered, but still better than the McD. I want another one. Clear winner. 4/5.

(Thanks to J. Reed for the CFA image.)

I’m currently lining up chefs to participate in our Tampa Food Issue for June — the $20 Menu Challenge. All they have to do is create a meal for two with at least three courses and keep the ingredient list to under $20. (We did this last year in Sarasota, without the course requirements. Jose Martinez’ contribution was amazing.)

Not too difficult, in my opinion, but I had a chef yesterday who was shocked. “That’s impossible,” she explained, trying to wrap her head around the concept. “Maybe these people don’t want to eat very much?”

I suspect that she’ll come up with something after she thinks about it, but later that day I was telling China Yuan owner Peter Chan what she’d said. Maybe it’s just a stylistic difference, but he had different take on the matter. “If a chef told me that, I would tell them to go to hell!” he said. “You want dinner for four I can do that. You want dinner for eight, I can do that for less than $20.” Chan explained that he’s had to feed his family for a lot less than that in the past and he knows how to stretch a dining budget.

He’ll be providing us with some recipes for the issue, so if there’s anything special on his menu you want the details on, just drop me a line. And, if you know a chef who could turn a $20 bill into haute cuisine, let us know. We’ll add them to the list if they’re willing.

What can you do with $20?

• “Bake 7 to 12 minutes or until edges are golden brown. Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets to cooling rack. Store tightly covered.” Win a million dollars. [Pillsbury]

• “It’s nearly Earth Day: Time to consume more to save the planet.” [Ad Age]

• “I don’t believe that anyone has asked Bill Clinton what he’ll be looking for in a chef should his wife become president or what he’ll serve at his first state dinner. (As his family’s former chef, I can’t resist affectionately suggesting that this is probably for the best, given his predilection for comfort food.)” [NYT]

• WORLD FOOD CRISIS: “In Haiti, protesters chanting “We’re hungry” forced the prime minister to resign; 24 people were killed in riots in Cameroon; Egypt’s president ordered the army to start baking bread; the Philippines made hoarding rice punishable by life imprisonment.” [Economist]

• WORLD FOOD CRISIS: “What biofuels do is undeniable: they take food out of the mouths of starving people and divert them to be burned as fuel in the car engines of the world’s rich consumers.” [New Statesman]

There’s no news on what the show is about, just that they are:

“are seeking two-person teams, with pre-existing relationships, who have always dreamed of opening their own restaurant! Have you and your spouse, friend, family member, business associate or colleague dreamed of opening your own restaurant? Is one of you a whiz in the kitchen while the other is a front-of-the-house superstar? Do you have what it takes to open and run a successful restaurant? Has financing always been a problem?”

Well, they may be trying to keep the show a little hush hush, but anyone who’s watched TV in recent years can tell you where to look for answers. Yep, that’s right, this is another ripoff of a BBC reality show — Last Restaurant Standing, where a famous chef “puts nine couples through their paces to see if they have what it takes to run their own eatery.” The winner gets cash to open their own joint. You can catch Last Restaurant Standing on BBC America.

Ripoff may be too strong a word. Granada is, after all, the producer of the British version as well.

Sick on my journey
only my dreams will wander
these desolate moors

Of course, that was Basho’s death poem, so maybe it’s not quite the inspiration I’m hoping for.

I think you guys can do better, at least when it comes to burgers. Drop your most impressive burger haiku — following the 5,7,5 syllable form — into the comments and I’ll give the winner a big fat prize. (Probably a burger.) Here’s one to get you started:

Sixty four burgers
beloved beef, salt and fat
compete for the prize

You can do better. Get started!