Eat My Florida

Apparently, the culinary world does not stop when your CL Food Editor steps out for a little staycation. Here’s your guide to the wide world of food for the past 10 days.

• Soy “milk”? It’s an aberration and,”as one British government report put it, manufacturing soy milk is closer to making fruit juice than cow’s milk.” (Slate)
• The Baconator causes worldwide hunger? “Potentially, and this is up for debate, a benefit of higher prices is lower consumption, and, in this country, that actually would not be a bad thing overall.” (Reuters)
• Bodyguard dining etiquette: “Your bodyguard (unlike your hairdresser, stylist and personal assistant) is not your friend.”(WMag)
• Food Network leaks results of own reality show: “In case you’ve already paid the caterer for your Lisa-Adam-Aaron watching party or you are really into the show, I am not going to tell you who wins, but I am truly astounded by the fact that they have posted the “Exit Interviews” for the two “losers” and the “Winning Moment” clip for the winner 3 days before the show airs.” (SideDish)
• Might be tastier than her human food, snap! “With Isaboo Bacon Flavor Booscotti, you too, can indulge your favorite pooch with the mouth-watering bacon dogs love. And if it’s peanut butter they’re begging for, then Isaboo Peanut Butter Booscotti will give them loads of lip-smacking flavor.” (RachaelRay)
• David Lynch sells good coffee: “as black as midnight on a moonless night”…and hot! (SeriousEats)
• Excuse me sir, but would you…”here’s your Grey Poupon, roll your f***ing windows up!” (SmokingGun)
• “We can’t just stay at home all day making Manwiches with the mailman and the stay-at-home dad across the street.” (Chow)

Thanks to Eater, GrubStreet, Grinder, SeriousEats.

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Scared to send your child out of the house for hours at a time to run off their summer vacation energy? Now you’ve got something else to fear.

According to a NYT article, kindergarten and 1st grade kids put on body mass two to three times faster during the summer, compared to the school year. Some of that has to do with the lack of scheduled eating and activity enforced by schools, some has to do with sitting around watching TV and playing video games. Sadly, kids who need to gain weight also did better during the school year, putting on more mass, likely thanks to the almost-guaranteed offer of two-to-three squares a day from the government.

School cafeteria food may not be ideal, but Sarasota has the right attitude to help kids with nutrition. Pinellas and Hillsborough are a little behind the curve.

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Hogs are running wild in 37 states. Florida is one of them, with the second largest population of wild porkers in the country. Why worry about a few feral pigs? They eat just about anything and can clear the ground of native plant and animal species at an alarming rate, wrecking the ecosystems of acres of protected land in a very short time. More development just means a higher density of hogs on undeveloped land. And they’re mean som’ bitches.

Check out these stats that show how Sarasota deals with its porcine problem. Yep, 2 trappers bag over 1,000 hogs every year, just in the SRQ. That might be a drop in the bucket of Florida’s pork population, but it sure is some tasty huntin’.

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Hopefully Molto Mario learned a lesson from that ill-fated Food Network show where he traveled through Italy with his nameless (at least, I don’t remember the name) pal through nigh unwatchable scenes of vaguely food-related hi-jinx. Even the clogged, redheaded demi-god of chefs couldn’t save that bland endeavor.

You may have heard that he’s since contracted to give the same treatment to Spain, albeit with better companions, a much bigger budget and thankfully free from the aegis of those tunnel-visioned goobers who run the Food Network. The result is Spain: On the Road Again, a PBS food show that appears, at least from this sneak peek recently plopped on Youtube, to be mostly about the lifestyles of the rich, famous and hungry. It’s set to air in the fall, in primetime, no less. Of course, PBS’s primetime might be Saturday at 9 a.m.

I love Batali. I like Mark Bittman (at least in print). I can even stand the waspy, prim Gwyneth Paltrow. But the show? We’ll see. Check it out above.

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• Ethical Seafood - “The portrait he paints is grim: oceanic dead zones that, because of pollution and overfishing, can no longer support organic life; salmon farms polluted by pesticides and disease; ruthless bottom trawlers with nets that can destroy entire ecosystems.” [Salon]

• Deadliest Catch - “Of all the dishes served in all the restaurants in all the world, you could argue, the particular seafood delicacy I’ve come fourteen time zones and 6,800 miles to ingest is the one that’s most likely to kill me dead.” [NY Mag]

• Not So Deadly Catch - “And a group of scientists served it in March at a Tokyo tasting event for some 40 chefs and restaurant-related businessmen. All ate. All survived.” [NYT]

• Paula Deen, Sweatshop Promoter - “Protesters like Al Sharpton, Reverend Jesse Jackson, Susan Sarandon and Danny Glover are expected to show-up and chastise her affiliation with Smithfield, a North Carolina-based food plant notorious for brutal, inhumane working conditions.” [Serious Eats]

• Chain Restaurants? “Surprisingly decent” says the NY Times - “Their saintly patience might have been tied to the balmy weather, or perhaps to the knowledge, deep in their cholesterol-imperiled hearts, that the meal ahead would involve giant portions and joyous noise.” [NYT]

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Although it’s tied up in the courts thanks to a last minute injunction, this week was supposed to be the start of the New York City Department of Health initiative mandating posted calorie counts on the menus of any restaurant chain with more than 15 outlets nationwide. Here are some of the early reactions, thanks to a few chains that kicked it off despite the delay — NY Times, NY Post, Village Voice, Midtown Lunch.

If only Florida could be so enlightened. Sadly, here in the Sunshine State you have to dig deep in the murk to find out the impact of your morning Frap and scone, or the taco salad at the Bell. Here at Eat My Florida, we want to make it easier for you to wallow in the angst of your dining decisions, so here’s a list of links to the nutrition section of every chain in the area. Here’s a teaser — bloomin’ onion = 2275 calories.

Eat it and weep:

• Burgers: McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Evos, Krystal, Five Guys, Whataburger, Hardee’s, Fatburger, Sonic, Steak N Shake,
• Chicken: Chick-Fil-A, Popeye’s, KFC, Pollo Tropical, Church’s,
• Other Fast Food Sandwich Joints: Arby’s, Subway, Miami Subs, Quiznos, Blimpie, Jersey Mike’s, Jimmy John’s,
• Other Fast Food: Taco Bell, Long John Silver’s, Chipotle, Moe’s, Panera, Boston Market, Pei Wei Asian Diner, Panda Express,
• Pizza: Hungry Howie’s, Sbarro, Pizza Hut, Papa John’s, Godfather’s, Dominos, CiCi’s,
• Breakfast, Smoothies, Coffee and Sweets: Dairy Queen, Baskin Robbins, Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme, Smoothie King, TCBY, Einstein Brothers Bagels, Starbucks, Denny’s, IHOP, Bob Evans,
• Casual Dining Chains: Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooters, PF Chang’s, Chilis, TGIFiday’s, Outback, Applebee’s, Olive Garden, Ruby Tuesday’s, Carrabas, Sonny’s, Red Lobster

Who’d we miss?

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Sadly, he’s only replacing him on the Food Network’s Dinner Impossible. The show will also be extended to 60 minutes, now that there’s no pinheaded Brit to get on the viewers’ nerves.

If only this accomplished Cleveland chef, beloved by fellow Ohioan Michael Ruhlman and recently crowned the new Iron Chef America, would take a look at liar-liar-pants-on-fire Irvine’s abandoned project in downtown St. Pete, too. We could use a real celebrity chef in the area, especially one with chops like Symon, in spite of the soul patch.

Whaddya think, Mike? [cleveland.com]

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• “Bake 7 to 12 minutes or until edges are golden brown. Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets to cooling rack. Store tightly covered.” Win a million dollars. [Pillsbury]

• “It’s nearly Earth Day: Time to consume more to save the planet.” [Ad Age]

• “I don’t believe that anyone has asked Bill Clinton what he’ll be looking for in a chef should his wife become president or what he’ll serve at his first state dinner. (As his family’s former chef, I can’t resist affectionately suggesting that this is probably for the best, given his predilection for comfort food.)” [NYT]

• WORLD FOOD CRISIS: “In Haiti, protesters chanting “We’re hungry” forced the prime minister to resign; 24 people were killed in riots in Cameroon; Egypt’s president ordered the army to start baking bread; the Philippines made hoarding rice punishable by life imprisonment.” [Economist]

• WORLD FOOD CRISIS: “What biofuels do is undeniable: they take food out of the mouths of starving people and divert them to be burned as fuel in the car engines of the world’s rich consumers.” [New Statesman]

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• “Monsanto is big. You can’t win. We will get you. You will pay.”
• “Red Bull Cola: Strong and Natural.”
• “It gives me goose bumps,” says Carter, who founded a nonprofit to promote sustainable ranching on the Amazon frontier. “It’s like witnessing a rape.”
• “At least 10,000 farmers have committed suicide each year over the last decade because of their inability of repay loans taken at usurious rates of interest from local moneylenders.”
• “Oh, and in case you’re wondering: all the remaining presidential contenders are terrible on this issue.”