Well, sure. Just like with humans, an oyster’s unhealthy fixation on its own naughty bits are sure to bring chafing, hairy palms and STDs. “Oh, that’s just a cold sore!” Sure, you pretty little huitre plate, you keep telling yourself that.

According to Reuters, oyster herpes actually kills the little guys — to the tune of 40-100% in most French cultivating beds this year — instead of merely making them social outcasts whose only goal is to spread the disease through lies and casual sex. Apparently, the cause is simple - when the weather is warm and there’s plenty of food, oysters spend all their available energy pumping up their sexual organs at the expense of their immune systems. Hard to blame ‘em.

Brilliant reporting Reuters, by the way. No mention at all whether infected oysters can transfer their seaborne herpes to people who down them with a nice Sancerre and capable mignonette. Nobody’d be interested in that, I imagine.

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I hate to say I told you so, but Sarasota chef Darwin Santa Maria of oft-lauded Selva Grill made the same prediction about Peruvian food almost a year ago. Sarasota is home to no less than four decent Peruvian joints. Only question is: what about the Bay area? Know any great places to grab some ceviche, causa and sauces laced with glorious aji pepper?

(Thanks to Grub Street.)

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For stainless steel cookware, typical dish soap and water will take care of daily use – and you can even throw most brands in the dishwasher — but you’ll want to have an abrasive cleanser on hand. Don’t scrub with anything metal and stay away from harsh powders and liquids like Comet or Soft Scrub; those will clean well enough but could scratch the surface of your beautiful pans.

Look for abrasives that are made for pans – like my fave Barkeepers Friend, available in most supermarkets. The powder is much finer and made from stuff that won’t mar the steel. They work best when the pan is just barely damp, scrubbed into surface with a nylon pad like you find on the back of most cleaning sponges. For tough jobs, soak the gunked-up pan for a while first. Even if you don’t have tough-to-remove food caked onto your steel, these cleansers will remove the inevitable discoloration and water spotting that comes from steady use. Giving them a good scrub every so often will keep your babies looking bright and fresh.

Copper is just as simple – you can use the same soft abrasives that you use on steel – but you’ll also want to add a commercial copper polish to remove the inevitable tarnish and discoloration. Squirt on, wax-off.

Tending cast iron is more troublesome, but rewarding when you put in the time. I’ve never been good at it, but the fine people at Lodge – the undeniable kings of cast iron – recommend heating your cast iron slowly when preparing to cook, with a thin layer of vegetable oil no matter what you’re preparing.

When you’re done, don’t use soap. Fine layers of caramelized food built up on the surface of the pan are what makes cast-iron non-stick, as well as adding flava’. Just scrub gently in hot water (cold can warp the hot metal) with a nylon brush. Loosen tough, caked-on food by filling the pan with water and boiling for a few minutes. After cleaning, wipe the pan with a touch more oil and store without the lid on to encourage air flow. Our own copy editor Anthony Salveggi likes to cover the pan with a towel to keep off dust that may stick to the oiled surface.

If you let the pan go south, or find an old one at a garage sale, rust is not a problem. Just scour the rust away with steel wool and re-season. You’ll want to coat the entire pan – inside and out – with melted shortening and bake in a 350-400 degree oven for an hour. After it cools in the oven, you’re golden.

Some food – like salt — can pit the surface of steel, iron and copper if it remains in contact with the pan for even a short time. If you’re boiling water for pasta, wait until it starts bubbling before adding the salt. Try to clean or rinse and soak your pans quickly after cooking to stop or slow the negative impact of sodium rich foods. The pits won’t stop the pans from cooking a fine meal, but who wants a $100 skillet that’s cratered like a 14-year-old’s face?

Like taking care of your coif or skin-care regime, maintaining your cook-gear takes a little time and a little effort, but the years of beauty are worth it.

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• Soy “milk”? It’s an aberration and,”as one British government report put it, manufacturing soy milk is closer to making fruit juice than cow’s milk.” (Slate)
• The Baconator causes worldwide hunger? “Potentially, and this is up for debate, a benefit of higher prices is lower consumption, and, in this country, that actually would not be a bad thing overall.” (Reuters)
• Bodyguard dining etiquette: “Your bodyguard (unlike your hairdresser, stylist and personal assistant) is not your friend.”(WMag)
• Food Network leaks results of own reality show: “In case you’ve already paid the caterer for your Lisa-Adam-Aaron watching party or you are really into the show, I am not going to tell you who wins, but I am truly astounded by the fact that they have posted the “Exit Interviews” for the two “losers” and the “Winning Moment” clip for the winner 3 days before the show airs.” (SideDish)
• Might be tastier than her human food, snap! “With Isaboo Bacon Flavor Booscotti, you too, can indulge your favorite pooch with the mouth-watering bacon dogs love. And if it’s peanut butter they’re begging for, then Isaboo Peanut Butter Booscotti will give them loads of lip-smacking flavor.” (RachaelRay)
• David Lynch sells good coffee: “as black as midnight on a moonless night”…and hot! (SeriousEats)
• Excuse me sir, but would you…”here’s your Grey Poupon, roll your f***ing windows up!” (SmokingGun)
• “We can’t just stay at home all day making Manwiches with the mailman and the stay-at-home dad across the street.” (Chow)

Thanks to Eater, GrubStreet, Grinder, SeriousEats.

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Urbanspoon, a two year old Seattle company, has launched a free iPhone app that uses the GPS (or the triangulation system on old phones) to search for restaurants that are, theoretically, in your general vicinity. Usually this type of software is only geared towards the bigger metro areas with established dining scenes — which would likely mean that our own Bay area is out of luck — but Urbanspoon recently added Tampa/St. Pete to it’s list. Awfully nice of ‘ya.

No iPhone? Well, you can still log on the old fashioned way and do an actual web search on Urbanspoon’s site, as well as read local reviews culled from the rags (ours included) and customer reviews riddled with shills. Web-browsing … clunky, but it still works.

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This week features a culinary guide to passive aggressive appetizers perfect for any gathering. Best snippet: “Have you ever noticed how sun-dried tomatoes and top-grade peyote look exactly the same? Not a suggestion, really. Just saying.”

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After years of not trying, those Seattle-ish coffee merchants are really scrambling, aren’t they? Heck, I’m all for it. Anything beats that left-in-the-oven-for-days flavor of the corporate giant’s burnt coffee.

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Rocky Aoki, the man who brought Japanese culinary showmanship to America with Benihana, died last week. According to the AP story, Aoki was surrounded by his wife and six children during his final moments, which must have been awkward considering he sued four of those kids — two from each of his first two wives — after they tried to take over his restaurant chain. Apparently, they don’t like his current wife.

Forget the gossip and dirt, though, and let’s remember the man for his accomplishments: teppan-yaki, stateside. Aoki opened his first Benihana in New York in 1964, starting an empire that’s blossomed into more than 100 restaurants and thousands of imitators. Every time a chop-socky chef flips shrimp tails into his hat, builds a smoking onion volcano, or tells a tired karate kid joke before serving you griddled steak and barely cooked veggies doused in soy, you have Aoki to thank.

Beyond Benihana, Aoki was a cool cat who wrestled on the Japanese Olympic team; raced cars, boats and motorcycles; was the first man to cross the Pacific in a hot air balloon; founded classic eighties porno mag Genesis; won backgammon championships; participated in a Cannonball Run-like cross country race in a stretch Volkswagon Beetle limousine; and once had a horrific boating accident that required 10 hours of surgery and multiple removed organs. When he came to three days later, he saw his wife and his mistress waiting for him bedside. Damn, player!

That’s a life well lived, worth a raised Mai Tai or two at whatever teppan-yaki joint you favor.

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