Creative Loafing presents Ed Loves Bacon

Instead of reaming the annals of the new movie G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I thought it may be better to give potential movie goers a G.I. Joe primer and let them be their own critics for a change.  As all Joe fans know, “Knowing is half the battle,” so here’s all you need to know about G.I. Joe and the movie’s relation to the long running comic and various animated series.

G.I. Joe and Cobra organizations FYI
First off, G.I. Joe isn’t America’s elite covert strike force anymore. Instead they’re some NATO empowered military group that doesn’t have a clue of what’s going on in the world around them. Believe it or not, this is not that far of a stretch.  In Devil’s Due Publishing’s (DDP) G.I. Joe: Cobra Reborn, Cobra rises and makes surgical strikes around the U.S. and at that point in time, there is no Joe team to combat them. The Joes, a group of active and inactive military specialists are recruited and get organized in the follow up book G.I. Joe: G.I. Joe Reborn.

Reborn successfully depicts the world of Joe in a more realistic and believable setting. In the series, Cobra’s maniacal attempts to take over the world are stripped away and replaced with a leaner, more plausible right-wing group set on destroying America and the democracy Cobra believes ruined this country. This is very similar to the movie except for the America part. Cobra is once again an international terrorist group hell bent on ruling the world, but acts more like a shadow organization causing calamity and manipulating governments to bend to their will.

Meet the Joes
I scoured a couple stacks of Joe comics and cartoons to figure out where the hell these characters were derived. At the top there’s the General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), who helms the team. Hawk’s home base was split between the Pentagon and the U.S.S. Flag and had very little to do with team operation and focused more as a liaison between the government and the team. Quaid’s Hawk is very much a hands-on leader which incidentally manifests more in this manner in the DDP comic series.

Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) is an enigma to me in the movie. He was introduced in the Joe series in the early 90’s and is a heavy ordinance trooper, that equates to being a big dude with a big gun. In the film, he’s the field team leader FROM ENGLAND who seem to get there a little too late in most instances. In the animated series, G.I. Joe Sigma Six, he’s still just a trooper with big guns so where how HD ends up taking point on missions is confusing.

Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) character really gets under my skin. In the film, Scarlett is a type-A know it all who doesn’t even know she has a feminine side let alone know what to do with it. Nichol’s portrayal of the team’s favorite red head is oblivious to human interaction and faults her strict upbringing for her cold fish demeanor.  In the cartoon series and the books, Scarlett is a counter intelligence, martial arts prodigy whose weapon of choice is the crossbow. Scarlett gets her name from her red hair and being an ATLANTA NATIVE (Scarlett O’Hara, get it) which is completely loss in this movie. Scarlett is Duke’s on again off again girl until later comic series when Scarlett and Snake Eyes make a go of it, unsuccessfully. In the film, she takes a reluctant shine to Ripcord (Wayans).

Next we meet Breaker (Siad Taghmaoui), he’s the Joe’s FRENCH chief communications officer and intellectual heavyweight during the movie. You know how it is, he’s the one who defuses the bombs, figures out ways to cypher cryptic messages and solve technical anomalies. Taghmaoui’s character is necessary since you need brains on any team, but here’s the problem I have – HE’S DEAD IN THE G.I. JOE SERIES! There’s several other living Joes they could have drawn from for the role. For example, in G.I. Joe Sigma 6, they used technogeek High Tech to deliver the smarts for the team, he created the gauntlets, vehicles and artillery the team used to combat Cobra. Did they just pull his name from a hat, I think so.

The coolest and deadliest member of the Joe team is and will always be Snake Eyes (Ray Park). Dressed in his visored ninja bodysuit and wielding his katana sword, he is THE commando you want in your corner to get things done. In the series, Snake Eye’s is disfigured and mute from a helicopter crash but in the film he’s taken on a vow of silence as a promise to exact revenge on his nemesis Storm Shadow, who murdered is marital arts sensai. In the later versions of the comic book series, Snake Eyes removes his mask revealing a huge scar across his face.

The last members of the movies assault team are Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) who get recruited to help fulfill G.I. Joe’s first mission against the soon-to-be-identified Cobra organization. Tatum’s Duke lacks the focus you’d expect from the cartoon and comic’s field leader, especially when confronted with his lost love/fiancee Ana, who turns out to be The Baroness, one of the bad guys. Ripcord is a HALO (High Altitude Low Opening) jumper in the comics but its pretty obvious Wayans is the designated comic relief for the movie. His lighthearted attempts to take the edge off the action and multiple but whoopings falls flat. Wayans’ action scenes are ok even though he doesn’t engage in much hand to hand combat. One plus on Ripcord’s character in the film is a scene where he makes a HALO jump after destroying a warhead in the upper atmosphere.

The Bad Guys
James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is head of MARS corporation, a technology company responsible for most of the worlds defensive weaponry. Little do his NATO customers know, he’s also Destro, a known weapons dealer who sells the same arsenal to NATO’s enemies to fund his shadow organization (soon to become Cobra). In the earlier books and the cartoon series, Destro is portrayed as a brilliant but scorned scientist who partners with Cobra making the world his laboratory. In later books (Cobra Reborn) we see Destro as McCullen who believes it’s his destiny to stongarm the world into submission and deliver the much needed order only he can provide.

Ana (Sienna Miller) is the Baroness, a ruthless assassin and McCullen’s right hand man. The Baroness is cold and calculating martial arts master who’ll stop at nothing to complete her mission. The film’s re-imagining of this character is probably the most disappointing. In the books and cartoon, she’s a sports a thick German accent and a master of disguise and espionage. Her character role takes a true Hollywood twist towards the end that will make true Joe fans moan out loud.

Like the Joes, Cobra has its own resident ninja to take care of business - Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee). Unlike his good guy counterpart Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow craves the spotlight and tends to make bold statements, like using throwing stars (his calling card) when sent on a kill. Shadow’s beef with Snake Eyes is in line with the comics and cartoon. They both attended the same martial arts school and as their skills developed Shadow’s jealosy of Snake Eye’s prowess drove him down a dark path of validation and revenge. Lee’s portrayal of Storm Shadow is pretty good, he shows his mastery of his choice weaponry and delivers the same deadpan tone you’d expect from a ninja.

Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) is probably the most dramatic departure from his original Cobra character. In the animated version and earlier comic versions, Zartan was a master of disguise who had a particular skin abnormality which made him sensitive to light. When in contact with bright light/sunlight, his skin would turn dark blue and painful. In the later Reborn series, Zartan is reinvented as simply a master chameleon with a twisted murderous tendency. Vosloo’s version of Zartan is clearly culled from the new comic’s vision and strays very little from the what you see in the book.

The last member of the team is the mysterious Doctor (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a creepy deformed husk of a man hidden behind goggles and a breathing mask. Not much is known about the Doctor until his true identity is revealed and he dons the mantle of Cobra Commander. In the series and earlier comics, Cobra Commander has had multiple origins in several story arcs. The most memorable origin is from G.I. Joe – The Movie in which he’s a brilliant scientist from the secret mutate land of Cobra-La. After a being disfigured from a forbidden lab accident he sets out to fulfill his destiny to take over the world. In the book Cobra Reborn, The Commander is merely a small businessman whose world is torn asunder from government bureaucracy and vows to fight the oppressive American government by taking power through his secret group, Cobra.

The Lowdown
As a longtime fan of the animated series and comic books, I straddled the fence on this one, trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t.  The CGI vehicles throughout the movie resemble plastic instead of metal at times so it feels like you’re looking at retail grade toy models instead of cool, realistic metal arsenal. Overall its entertaining and a relatively good thrill ride, but gets corny and sadly laughable with some of the relationships and plot twists.

What’s Missing

Check out this parody of the animated series classic PSAs. Its actually funnier than what Marlon Wayans does in the movie.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Rated PG-13, In theaters August 7, 2009, Directed by Stephen Sommers

You Go Girl! Jada Pinkett Smith makes history as Nurse Christina Hawthorne in TNT's Hawthorne.

The phone rings, a hurried conversation and Nurse Christina Hawthorne dashes to the hospital, avoiding security and helping a wandering elderly patient as she rushes to console a friend and fatally ill cancer patient from jumping off the roof. She fails. Soon after, she’s arrested under protest for roughing up the security guard. So goes the first few minutes from the pilot episode of TNT’s latest drama, Hawthorne starring Jada Pinkett Smith.

As the episode progresses we’re given a day-in-the-life of a hospital from the views of the often unsung heroes – the nurses. While much of the show involves the often trivial tasks that take place throughout the day, the supporting characters and their stories slowly start to manifest peaking your curiosity and drawing you in.

We meet the boyish chief of surgery, Thomas Wakefield (Michael Vartan, Alias) who glides in a out of scenes with Smith who feels more like an extra than a co-star. Then there’s hard as nails nurse Bobbie Jackson (Suleka Mathew, Men In Trees), who acts as Hawthorne’s right hand and delivers the much needed shoulder most of the more inexperienced nurses turn to.

Unfortunately, the often unnatural dialog and predictable plots makes the field of nursing seem not only lackluster but boring. There’s not a lot of action, extensive medical jargon or unusual medical conditions to beef up the mystique of hospitals as most of these divisive medical dramas tend to use. Instead you’re giving solemn and often unrewarding views that build up to syrupy emotional payoffs as each episode concludes.

The saving grace (pun intended) of the show is its main character who anchors as medical maverick and mother hen to her many charges while trying to keep the same focus with her teenage daughter, Camile (Hannah Hodson).

Smith is always a delight to watch. Her chiseled features and steely glazes makes you want to take the hour long ride, throw you hands up and hope for the best. As always, she tends to waffle between her “girlfriend” shtick and an over-enunciating soccer mom, which hits and misses with each episode. But as whole, her various personas give the show a much needed injection of personality and charm that makes the show worth watching. Also, be on the lookout for the scene stealing guest appearances that make the show more bearable amongst its many slow points.

Its not surprising to learn the show is penned by veteran writer John Masius who’s no stranger to TV medical dramas. Masius was a writer and producer of the Emmy winning series St. Elsewhere, L.A. Law, Showtime’s Dead Like Me and Providence among others so Hawthorne isn’t a far cry from his bread and butter style of story telling.

Personally, I am glad to see Jada Pinkett Smith return to television. This is her first appearance on the small screen in over 13 years after her stint on the Cosby spin off A Different World. Consequently,  Hawthorne sets a television milestone as the second series featuring an African-American female lead. Not since Diahann Carrol’s show Julia in the late 60’s has this occurred.

Hawthorne seems to stall out the gate, but has a trump in the fiery yet seductive energy of Smith which may make it a must-see as the series progresses.

Grade: B-
Hawthorne airs Tuesday nights at 10pm on TNT.

One of the larger criticisms of movies adapted from books, especially comic books, is so much of the character, plot and subtext is lost in translation when adapting the story to a general audience.

When news of Watchmen, probably the most popular graphic novels of all time was slated to become a live-action feature film, fanboys around the web lit up bulletin boards speculating how on Earth would they be able to pull this off. Watchmen is not one story, but a series of subplots, wrapped around the main plot -  an enigmatic murder of a retired costumed hero. To make it even more conflicting, there’s a completely separate comic book, The Black Freighter wrapped within the book. Watchmen fans were buzzing and practically demanded the essence of their beloved comic not be butchered in Zach Snyder’s version.

Warner Premiere’s Watchmen: The Motion Comic is a modestly animated, unabridged version of the book. The DVD is true to the novel and breaks the story down into twelve chapters on two discs. Every single frame of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon’s graphic novel has been brought to life with seemingly low-tech finesse reminiscent of cartoons from the mid 60’s circa Marvel’s Spider-man, The Incredible Hulk and The Mighty Thor. Unlike a cartoon, the animation relies on the composition of the comic book cells completely. This includes the original drawings, the text bubbles and even narration boxes to create the illusion.

You definitely appreciate the brevity of film as you make your way through the chapters. The entire series is over five hours long and has a series of lull points where the story meanders during character subplots. Still, the novelty of the concept will hold your interest and get you through the slow spots.

While so much attention is given to the visual elements in the series, its surprising and disappointing that very little depth was added to the audio. Sure, the original soundtrack complements the animation brilliantly and every “zap” and “boom” is there for added effect. However, voice acting range for the characters is unfortunately missing. Instead of the expected movie cast voicing the characters, the entire series is voiced by one person. TV veteran actor Tom Stechschulte lends his talents to define each character which gets a bit unnerving at times as he voices everyone from a pubescent Silk Specter to a middle aged African-American psychologist, Dr. Malcolm Long analyzing costumed vigilante, Rorschach. Eventually his voice blends completely into the canvas of the picture and you rarely notice effort he provided.

I was surprised that no special features were included on the DVD. There are trailers for Warner Premiere’s The Black Freighter, a full length animated feature taken from the Watchmen novel, and the highly anticipated Wonder Woman but there are no interviews or behind the scenes offerings.

Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic can be considered a comic book fan’s dream come true, but it offers very little to someone who is not a fan of animation or the book. If you’re not interested in reading the graphic novel, this is a great primer to wet your appetite for the upcoming film.

[rating: 4]

Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic, directed by Jake S. Hughes, starring Tom Stechshulte, 325 minutes. Not Rated. List Price $19.99. Blu-Ray $26.99. Individual chapters available on iTunes $1.99 each.