Fresh Loaf

Creative Loafing regular commenters Mr. T and DaleC begged me to let them do a point-counterpoint column (actually I had to bribe them with Moon Pies). This week: the liberal Mr. T (not that Mr. T) urges you to vote for John McCain, while our conservative commenter DaleC endorses Barack Obama. I’m sure they’ll change your mind. Let them know what you think by commenting.

Vote for McCain because he’s a former POW

By Mr. T

Tell the truth. You have already decided who to vote for or, given last week’s massive early voting turnout, you have already voted. Still, Ken told me I could have a Moon Pie for each one of you I convince to vote for John McCain. And while milk, pitying the fool and Nancy Reagan are high on my list, Mr. T loves him some Moon Pies. So, here we go.

He’s a former POW who won’t raise your taxes. After spending more than five years in a North Vietnamese POW camp, McCain has sacrificed enough for all of us (especially the rich people), so there’s no need to ask the American people to pay the debts run up by the Bush Administration. You make the minimum payment on your credit cards, right? Good enough for you, good enough for Uncle Sam. Besides, we can’t let Obama turn us all Socialist and stuff. You see, a 35% marginal tax rate on the highest earners is good old American Capitalism but Obama’s planned return to the 39% rate of the Clinton years will be the downfall of democracy in America. You don’t want to be responsible for that do you?

He’s a former POW who will shoot first and save the talking for surrender negotiations. John McCain endured five years of torture but did he talk? Well, a little. But never again! The Straight Talk Express dropped the talk so it could put Country First! If Obama wants to talk to Iran, great. But in the time it takes Mr. Smarty Pants Socialist to learn Farsi, McCain will blow the joint up and put Ahmadinejad’s balls in a mason jar, bitches! I like to think of it this way: WWMPUAMD? What would master pick up artist Mystery do? He’d dispense with the talk, move to kino and kiss close on that three set!

He’s a Maverick former POW whose Maverick style will deliver a Maverick team to Maverickly reform Washington. Who better to reform our broken political system than a Maverick man who has spent nearly 30 years on the inside figuring it out and has Maverickly surrounded himself with the lobbyists who know exactly how to game it? I mean, it worked for Bush-Cheney. Energy industry insiders developed a kick-ass energy plan that has us pointed to the future! Private defense contractors are rocking Iraq. And Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson’s Wall Street experience had him completely prepared for this economic meltdown. MaveriCain and his sidekick VPILF will continue this grand tradition of reform from the inside.

He’s a former POW that is not a scary, unknown, black, Muslim, terrorist-loving communist. Five years in a POW camp being beaten for his love of the Red, White and Blue was important in the shaping of McCain the man. But more importantly, which box does he check on the census form? Obama is from Kenya, went to a madrassa, wants to help his friends blow up the capitol, will limit your right to pray (unless you pray to him and/or Allah) and wants to give your money to welfare queens. Did I mention his middle name is Hussein? Sure, he has run the perfect campaign, overcome tremendous obstacles, inspired millions to believe this country can be great again and promises to stand up for the least of us. But he’s black. You live in Georgia. Do you want this to happen? ‘Nuff said.

Vote for Obama because he has nice friends

By DaleC

I am endorsing Barack Obama for president and I hope to convince you to do the same. After much soul searching, I have determined Obama to be the best choice in this election and I know you will soon agree with me. My biggest concern is a President’s judgment. I think the people with whom he surrounds himself give us great insight into the selections we will see on the Cabinet, ambassadorships and judicial appointments. I contend that Obama’s long history of bad associations is much ado about nothing.

I know he has some shady friends, but, honestly, how many of us don’t have multiple convicted felons and anti-American bigots among our closest circle of friends? Obama fully embraces the Christian principle of forgiveness. After all, he befriended two of the most famous American terrorists years after they committed their offenses. As Obama has explained before, Bill Ayers and his wife Bernardine Dohrn are just a few people who live in his neighborhood. Never mind that they helped him launch his political career with a coffee at their home in the neighborhood. It is also irrelevant that Obama served on both the
Chicago Annenberg Challenge for education and the Woods Fund of Chicago with Ayers, they barely even know each other, right? After all, don’t we all have friends with that kind of activity in their pasts? I don’t, but I am sure it isn’t that rare, especially these days. Obama was only eight years old when Ayers and Dohrn were killing Americans with bombs and he has been too busy since then to learn about his friends’ evil pasts. Hey, running for office takes too much of a guy’s time to vet his close supporters.

Then there is Tony Rezko. Obama has known Tony Rezko since he turned down a job offer from his company to work for the law firm that represented Rezko. Obama’s first political contributions included $2,000 from Rezko, who later joined Obama’s Senatorial campaign finance committee. They also bought adjoining homes, but I am certain that Rezko remained “just a guy in my neighborhood.” I realize the land deal was probably OK, but can you blame Obama for having a friend that is crooked and now serving time? How could he possibly know the guy was a sleaze?

When Reverend Wright became a problem, Obama pointed out that he had never heard the anti-American statements made in the church. That makes sense because Obama claims to have only attended church twice a month, so how could he know? Granted, Wright had been saying this stuff for nearly 20 years, but Obama barely knew the guy. After all, Wright only conducted their wedding ceremony, baptized their children, served on the hospital board with Obama, was referred to by Obama as being “like an Uncle.” So how could Obama have known the true Reverend Wright?

Judgment is a key factor for our president, one which will be needed in times of international military crisis, financial turmoil, Supreme Court nominations, pardons and other weighty issues faced by the chief executive. Given that Obama barely knew these men how can you question his judgment? A person is known by the company that they keep, so ignore all of the people Obama counted in his inner circle before the presidency became a reality. If you don’t, you may have to vote for that old guy.

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Tags: 2008 election, DaleC, douchebag/counterdouchebag, Mr. T.