Fresh Loaf

If only home-grown fantasy film Delgo had hit — and left — theaters a little sooner, it could have qualified for our coveted Least Influential People of the 2008 award, assuming that the computer-animated alien title role qualifies as an “Atlantan.” The Fathom Studios production set a record for lowest-grossing film ever released on more than 2,000 screens, and, as The Onion A.V. Club’s Nathan Rabin put it,

is rapidly becoming the stuff of pop-culture legend. Failed films are a dime a dozen but Delgo is perhaps the floppiest flop ever to saunter floppily into flopsville and become Dean Of Failure At Flopsville State University.

In fairness, the blame for Delgo’s failure should be laid on an overambitious distribution plan and an invisibility marketing and promotional scheme. Certainly 2008 saw plenty of significantly worse films, notably the following:

1. Speed Racer. The Wachowski Brothers’ overlong eyesore adaptation of the kitschy anime series left skidmarks on your retinas.

2. An American Carol. Left-wing filmmaker Michael Moore is a ripe target for parody even for people who share his politics, but this July 4th themed Christmas Carol spoof trots out cameos from Bill O’Reilly and Paris Hilton. Can comedies apply for bailouts?

3. The Spirit. The year that hit the heights with such superb comic book adaptations as Iron Man and the Dark Knight also plumbed the depths with this misguided mix of the style of Sin City and the kitsch of the Adam West “Batman” series.

4. George Romero’s Diary of the Dead. Romero created the modern-day zombie genre, but this shambling attack on the media hits its yeah-so themes so hard, it’s like the filmmaker thinks we’re zombies already.

5. What Happens in Vegas… Based on the Las Vegas city slogan, apparently, this mean-spirited rom-com from Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher rolled snake eyes, went bust, lost the farm, drank itself to death with Elisabeth Shue’s hooker-with-a-heart of gold and did everything but what you wanted it to do: stay in Vegas.

6. 10,000 B.C. What can you say when the best thing about your geographically confusing caveman epic are some dinosaur-birds with an unpronounceable name? The “Phorusrhacids” deserve their own sequel: 9,999 B.C.

7. Drillbit Taylor. The worst of the year’s overgrown-adolescent comedies loosely affiliated with Judd Apatow. As opposed to Superbad, this is, well, bad.

8. The Happening. Who can make a boring, laughable film about inexplicable mass suicides? Alas, M. Night Shyamalan can.

9. Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Just when Revenge of the Sith softened hard feelings about the Star Wars prequels, this CGI animated pilot for a Cartoon Network series felt like the handiwork of Jar-Jar Binks.

10. The Women. I was torn between choosing this and Zombie Strippers, and realized that the latter at least lived up to its premise, while filmmaker Diane English botched her attempt to bring a funny 1939 all-female comedy into the 21st century.

Bookmark It

Posted in A&E | Add a comment

Tags: 000 B.C., 10, An American Carol, Delgo, Diary of the Dead, Drillbit Taylor, Speed Racer, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, The Happening, The Spirit, The Women, What Happens in Vegas.