I want to murder squirrels

caption id=%22%22 align=%22alignright%22 width=%22283%22 caption=%22The only tomato on my deck to escape the rotten motherf*cking glorified rodent thieves who live outside my house.%22 /caption

I try not to blog about my personal life, but I suspect that I’m not the only local victim of this heinous crime.

I have two tomato plants on my deck. One week ago, I had dozens of green tomatoes of various sizes and degrees of ripeness.

Today, I have none. Piece of sh*t squirrel motherf*ckers took them all.

I’m very angry. It’s accurate to say I’m consumed with hatred right now.

Ten years ago, I ran over a squirrel while driving on Ponce de Leon. I didn’t cry, but I felt bad – badly enough about I started taking MARTA to work more often. I’m not kidding. I figured the less often I drove, the fewer animals I’d kill.

If I run over a squirrel today, or ever again, I’m going do a happy dance.

Consumed with hatred, I said.

UPDATE: For those of you who wish to protect your tomatoes without resorting to violence, the Memphis Commercial Appeal’s gardening columnist has some clever ideas. Thank you @willpuffer for the link)