I want to murder squirrels
July 14, 2009 at 11:08 am by Andisheh Nouraee in News
The only tomato on my deck to escape the rotten motherf*cking glorified rodent thieves who live outside my house.
I try not to blog about my personal life, but I suspect that I’m not the only local victim of this heinous crime.
I have two tomato plants on my deck. One week ago, I had dozens of green tomatoes of various sizes and degrees of ripeness.
Today, I have none. Piece of sh*t squirrel motherf*ckers took them all.
I’m very angry. It’s accurate to say I’m consumed with hatred right now.
Ten years ago, I ran over a squirrel while driving on Ponce de Leon. I didn’t cry, but I felt bad – badly enough I started taking MARTA to work more often. I’m not kidding. I figured the less often I drove, the fewer animals I’d kill.
If I run over a squirrel today, or ever again, I’m going do a happy dance.
Consumed with hatred, I said.
UPDATE: For those of you who wish to protect your tomatoes without resorting to violence, the Memphis Commercial Appeal’s gardening columnist has some clever ideas. Thank you @willpuffer for the link)
July 14th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I am with you brother! MARTA wasn’t the answer then, it sure is not now!
Happy Dance after dispensing a “lead supplement via high velocity” is what I do!
Regards,
Rafmanne
Southside Virginia
July 14th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I think the problem is just your perception that the squirrels took your tomatoes.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I was going to set up a camera to see who was getting in the garden. I’d hate to falsely accuse the little rodents.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
At least you got *one*. Those little rats have destroyed our gardens year after year.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
A squirrel is just a rats with a good stylist.
You want to borrow a pellet gun? That 9mm may be a little much for a squirrel.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
An air rifle is accurate, quick and (most important if you have sensitive neighbors) quiet. You can get a fine one for less than $50.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Huh, I was wondering where that half-eaten tomato on my patio came from.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
They also empty my squirrel-proof bird feeder within 10 min each day after I fill it. I still think they are cute. Sorry Andy.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Patrick- the a$$hole squirrels steal from our deck and make their getaway along the railing that leads to your deck.
Also, if you look at the storm drain in the corner of the driveway, you’ll also see some half-eaten green tomatoes
(in case you didn’t read his comment, Patrick is my neighbor).
July 15th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I can sooo empathize with you! F**in* squirrels have been getting our ‘maters for 3 years running; for some reason they didn’t get them the first year we gardened. We’ve tried many methods of ridding ourselves of them, including leaving water out. Our next effort will be electrifying the tomato cages. ;-) Good luck!
July 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Personally, I think it’s that Patrick guy.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
A few years ago the City of Washington, Georgia faced a squirrel pandemic. To eradicate the problem, the town allowed residents to shoot squirrels (a license was needed). Who knows if it worked, but the idea received much attention. Since it is election season, why not ask each of the mayoral candidates if they would support legislation allowing residents to shoot squirrels.
July 20th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
I think Ben K. must live on the southside!
Andy, it IS a sad lesson to learn that no good comes from these tree rats. One burglarized a suet feeder and it ran – suet cake intact in its foul little teeth – all the way across my yard and up a pecan tree, where it sat and laughed at me. (I’d give a million bucks for a video of that chase. It would be too funny.) Ormewood Park squirrels are formidable. No one tries to garden here.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:39 am
Andisheh, you are not alone.
Mark E Smith of The Fall has had trouble with squirrels in recent years. Although you may not want to take things as far as he did. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-558348/Veteran-rocker-Mark-E-Smith-faces-RSPCA-probe-chopping-rare-red-squirrels-hedge-clippers.html
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Fill a spray bottle with water and a few tablespoons of cayenne pepper. Spray tomatoes and repeat after rain. Will not change the taste of the tomatoes as it washes right off.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I am a huge gardener, and lately these damn squirrels are getting worse… and worse… They eat my tomatoes, squash, peppers, and even some of my herbs… What? seriously, are they that hungry? Is there anyway, we can legally shoot the damn things with bb guns?
What some may not realize is that these squirrels, are nothing more then rodents… Treat them as a RAT, they might look cute… but the damn these carry rabies and all sorts of diseases. We have a terror, and our dog hates them too, it killed one 2 weeks ago, and last week it tried to get another one, but the squirrel bite our dogs ear badly… Can we as home owners legally kill them if they are in our back yards? Does anyone know the law when it comes to this.
We have a huge fig tree, probably 14 feet high and around 30 feet around… The figs start to grow in June, but don’t fully ripe till September… needless to say, the damn squirrels and the damn starlings… which are now considered the most hated bird in North America. They cause millions of dollars in damage and plane crashes, which in the end kill people… If it weren’t for stupid, Eugene Schieffelin, we wouldn’t have them in the USA… 60, becomes 200 million… over a 100 year time…