Fresh Loaf

President Obama’s State of the Union address was a disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a perfectly acceptable speech, but the event itself lacked the visceral drama I’ve come to expect from political gatherings with so many Republicans in the audience.

When they get together, GOP-types love to call Obama a Socialist, a Communist, a fascist, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Stalitler, Halin or HilStaliMao. They deny his American citizenship by calling him Kenyan or Indonesian. They even deny his faith by stating or insinuating he’s Muslim. But we didn’t get any of that.

At the very least, I was hoping for an outburst similar to the “You lie!” offered by Rep. Joe Wilson, R-South Carolinistan, during Obama’s health care speech last year.

(My real-time Twitter response to “You lie!” last year was quoted on CNN.com, elevating me from Z-list pundit commentator all the way up to Y for a whole 36 hours. I was hoping to repeat the trick this year, but didn’t get so much as a “You misrepresent!” or even a “You leave out key details that perhaps undermine the point you’re trying to make!” to hang my snark on.)

With nothing inane to exploit, I’m stuck searching for excitement within the actual text of Obama’s speech. I think I found some.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic!: Is the U.S. really going to withdraw from Iraq in August?”

(Photo Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

Deep thoughts with Saxby

Yesterday, the Senate Armed Services Committee held a hearing to discuss the repeal of the U.S. military’s so-called Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy.

During the hearing Georgia Republican Sen. Saxby Chambliss claimed permitting open military service by Americans “who demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” might lead to other nefarious activities, such as “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization, and body art.”

Don’t be so quick to dismiss Chambliss as a bigoted ignoramus.

I mean, seriously, if gays are allowed to serve openly, the number of tattoo shops operating immediately outside the entrance of Fort Benning in Columbus could grow from five to some huge number like, maybe six. That’s a 20 percent increase!

Furthermore, the rate of alcohol abuse in the military, which has nearly doubled since the beginning of the Iraq war, maybe increase even more once the military’s newly emboldened homosexuals start demanding mimosas with their breakfasts at military dining facilities.

(File photo by Joeff Davis)

UPDATE: A commenter believes I have mischaracterized Sen. Chambliss’s remarks. I disagree and offer a link to video of Chambliss’s comments to help any reader decide. If you’re impatient, fast forward about one minute in.

Bookmark It

After nearly a decade of study, more than 400 columns written, and half a bottle of rum this morning, I have uncovered what I believe may be the three immutable presidential laws of the War On Terror™.

Law No. 1: Lofty foreign objectives are important, except when they aren’t.

When the U.S. invaded Iraq, President Bush’s stated goals were to remove a nuclear, chemical, biological terrorist threat, to bring peace to Iraq and the Middle East, to teach would-be challengers not to mess with the U.S. of A., and to install a democracy that would spread throughout the Middle East faster than cold sores on a high school field trip. Troops would return home in six months or a year, and we’d have a parade. Maybe several parades.

Well, it turns out Iraq was never a WMD or terrorist threat to the U.S. Our botched invasion and occupation unleashed a horrific civil war that has left hundreds of thousands of Iraqis dead and turned millions more into refugees. Our aggression encouraged Iran and North Korea to accelerate their nuclear programs, while our unwillingness to listen to our international allies simultaneously diminished the U.S.’s ability to coordinate an effective international response. And the Iraqi democracy we installed is a thug regime that doesn’t uphold democracy or justice in any sense Americans would tolerate in their own lives.

President Bush never really acknowledged that his war aims were bullshit. Instead, he simply modified his goals. After the 2006 congressional elections, Bush changed up his goal to conform to reality. Instead of turning Iraq into a Jolly Rancher-scented fairyland of freedom, his new goal became merely to create a self-governing Iraq that did not threaten the U.S. Hey, wasn’t pre-invasion Iraq a self-governing non-threat to the U.S.? Oh, never mind that.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Will the U.S. and the Taliban make a deal for peace?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

(thank you @mattgove planting the image in my head)

Bookmark It

The Other NBA: No blacks allowed

On Monday night, I had a chance to talk to Don “Moose” Lewis, commissioner of the new whites-only basketball basketball league headquartered in Atlanta.

We spoke for about 20 minutes, politely going over variations of the same two questions – is this racist, and is this a publicity stunt?

No surprise on this, but Lewis absolutely does not think all-white basketball is racist. He says he’s providing entertainment for a specific group of people.

“I’m appealing to a certain niche or culture of people,” Lewis explains. “It’s no different than Univision. Univision has programming in Spanish. They’re appealing to Hispanics legal or illegal. I’m appealing basically to white middle America.”

He went on to say that niche entertainment is, by definition, unappealing to audiences outside the niche. “If one person doesn’t like what I’m doing, does that mean I should stop?”

Asked if he himself is racist, he laughed and replied with the all-time best twist I’ve ever heard on the ’some of my friends are black’ response. He says he’s promoting a series of boxing matches in Nigeria pitting black boxers against white boxers. Because of the success of his work in Nigeria, Lewis says a group of Nigerians, presumably black people, will soon make him an honorary Nigerian tribal chieftain.

“I’m going through the ritual of becoming a Nigerian chieftain. I hardly think that anyone else thinks I’m racist.”

Is the league gonna happen, or is it just a publicity stunt?

Well, yes and yes.

It’s absolutely going to happen, he insists. He says the response has been overwhelmingly positive and he thinks he can get 2,000 to 3,000 spectators at games.

But he also copped to the gimmickiness of the league’s whites-only requirement. He wouldn’t be getting any attention from the media, he says, if his announcement about a new league didn’t say the league was whites-only.

“I had a conventional league for a year-and-a-half. I lost a ton of money,” he says.

“The press release is basically to garner press. It worked. I’ve slashed my advertising budget because I don’t need it anymore,” he says, noting a crew from “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” (which he calls “The Jon Daily Show”) will be interviewing him week.

In other words, Lewis believes he’s using the media’s shock, horror and condescension to his advantage.

By the way, the league isn’t just whites-only. To be eligible, you have to be white and both your parents have to be U.S.-born. I would not be eligible to play, he says, because my parents were born in Iran.

“Stay in shape, though. Maybe I’ll start an all-Middle Eastern league,” he says.

Bookmark It

When difficult questions arise, I often turn to the cast of the Lethal Weapon movies for quick answers.

Q: Should I go inside to order food, or pull up to the drive-thru window?

A: “Don’t ever go up to the drive-thru, OK? Always walk up to the counter,” says Joe Pesci’s character Leo Getz in Lethal Weapon 2. “They fuck you at the drive-thru.”

Q: Who’s responsible for all the wars in the world?

“The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” says Mel Gibson.

To be clear, this line wasn’t actually from a Lethal Weapon movie. Gibson said it to the L.A. County deputy who arrested him for DUI in 2006. Nevertheless, it’s not too far removed from the sort of thing Gibson’s intemperate Lethal Weapon character might have said, were it not for the fact that Jews control the content of every Hollywood movie.

Q: Was Haiti’s earthquake actually a man-made disaster?

Yes, says Lethal Weapon co-lead Danny Glover, who’s been keeping busy lately issuing public statements that make his buddy Mel seem reasonable by comparison.

Speaking to satellite and online news program GRITtv, Glover insinuated that the Jan. 12 earthquake in Haiti was the result of December’s failed United Nations climate summit in Copenhagen.

Glover’s not the only person to pin blame for the quake on human malfeasance.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Was Haiti’s earthquake actually a man-made disaster?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

The Georgia Peanut Commission has a kid’s site.

Bookmark It

THE OTHER NBA: No blacks allowed

Will someone please tell me if this is fake.

The Augusta Chronicle reports a whites-only basketball league headquartered in Atlanta hopes to begin play in 12 southern cities this June.

Dubbed the All-American Basketball Alliance, “[o]nly players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.”

AABA founder Don “Moose” Lewis, whose name and phone number are associated with several other sports organizations no one has heard of, insists he has no ill-feelings for people of color and foreign-born Americans, but he’s not entirely convincing.

The Chronicle:

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of “street-ball” played by “people of color.” He pointed out recent incidents in the NBA, including Gilbert Arenas’ indefinite suspension after bringing guns into the Washington Wizards locker room, as examples of fans’ dissatisfaction with the way current professional sports are run.

“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

Is it real? Is it a joke? I don’t know. I’m guessing it’s fake only because I think someone trying to publicize an actual new sports league might have a web site.

In the meantime, be sure to savor the reader comments accompanying the Chronicle’s story. I’m not sure who I hate more, the anonymous hillbillies voicing support for the league, or the earnest morons arguing with them.

It’s one of those “I hate the Internet” nights.

Bookmark It

Rapper Waka Flocka Flame (real name: Juaquin Malphurs) was shot and wounded during a robbery at a car wash on Old National Highway in Fulton County.

MTV has all the facts, but Wikipedia tidily summarizes the incident:

“He was shot on January 19,2010 in the arm and it went in his chest. Yep because some ungratefuls wanted Flocka to hand over his jewelry but he refused.Flocka Get Well Soon.”

He’s recovering at Grady.

Bookmark It

Good riddance to this.

Want to read the AJC on your iPhone without getting angry because www.AJCMobile.com appears to have been designed by a sadist with abnormally tiny fingers?

There’s an app for that.

According to iTunes, the app went online Friday.

Some of the text spacing is buggy, but it’s definitely an improvement.

Thanks, Julia. Or whomever.

Bookmark It

Sisters Crystal and Tiffany Vega were two of the trio arrested and charged today for robbing, assaulting, then stealing the pants from a man walking near Ashby Street MARTA early this morning.

The Vega sisters both appear on Daytona Beach’s Most Wanted list for a variety of serious charges, including the robbery of a T.J. Maxx last summer where the ladies are suspected of stealing $1,400 worth of Ed Hardy clothes.

It’s not quite as offensive as actually buying Ed Hardy clothes, but it’s still deeply disturbing. I’m glad they’re off the streets.

Bookmark It

Over the weekend, the Moultrie Observer published a fascinating letter to the editor about global warming by former state Senator Franklin Sutton:

Think of climate change as the syrup and biscuit effect, he said. They are never going to equalize. You’ve either got too little syrup and too much biscuit, or the opposite.

He said not to worry about warming. If it warms, you can grow citrus in South Georgia. And don’t worry about the flooding. It only affects the coastlines and waterfront property and the rich sob’s already hold all that.

Read more. I think it’s tongue in cheek, but I’m not sure which cheek. Further confusing matters, I started reading Sutton’s blog.

Bookmark It

Some good-ish news — Sunday morning’s report of a smash-and-grab robbery Downtown netting $50,000 worth of blue jeans was quickly followed by the APD announcing they’d made nine arrests in connection with the robbery later that morning.

Cops say nine members of the so-called 30 Deep gang were nabbed in a house on Dill Avenue in Southwest Atlanta after police spotted their cars nearby. You may recall, an alleged member of the same gang was charged last year with the murder of Standard bartender John Henderson.

Nine members of 30 Deep arrested in one day? Atlanta feels 270 shallower this morning.

Seven of the nine arrested were children, who, in case you haven’t yet heard, are our future.

Bookmark It

The U.S.’ reaction to last week’s devastating earthquake in Haiti has, in many ways, been gratifying. Whadya know — we actually care a little.

Sure, there will always be Rush Limbaughs and Pat Robertsons sticking their dicks in the metaphorical mashed potatoes with predictably hate-filled racist outbursts. But so far, anyway, the reactions of the public, commercial media, and the federal government have been overwhelmingly decent and compassionate.

Concern for Haiti’s plight is so widespread, in fact, that it’s seeping into the parts of culture otherwise isolated from normal human reality. Perez Hilton, the popular celebrity gossip blogger best known for sketching penises and cocaine on paparazzi photos, is now sketching halos on photos of celebrities who have announced large donations of money to Haiti. Nothing to do with Haiti, but he also has a nip-slip beach photo of Carrie Prejean if you’re interested.

Two days after the quake, President Obama announced that the U.S. military would take a leading role in our humanitarian relief effort in Haiti. Roughly 3,500 women and men from the 82nd Airborne Division, as well as 2,200 Marines, should be in Haiti by now. Accompanying them offshore will be the Navy’s USS Carl Vinson aircraft carrier and the USNS Comfort, a hospital ship with 12 operating rooms.

Continue reading “Don’t Panic!: Will the U.S. military’s intervention help or hurt Haiti?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

How are your New Year’s resolutions working for you?

Mine are going well. I find that the key to success is setting realistic goals. More than a week into 2010, I’m still keeping my New Year’s vow to gain weight, spend less time with my friends, watch more TV, and update my Twitter feed more while I’m driving.

Government policy initiatives aren’t quite the same as New Year’s resolutions, but in recent weeks the Obama administration has offered hints about its top objectives for 2010. It’s part spin-doctoring. Politicians must manage expectations. One of the reasons Obama’s approval rating has taken such a huge hit in recent months is the gap between the nation’s high expectations and the nation’s currently dreadful economic reality. I’m not saying Obama has done a good or bad job domestically. But I do think millions of people overestimated the ability of short-term policy changes to steer a giant country out of a long-term, systemic economic mess.

President Obama’s big domestic New Year’s resolution appears to be acting to reduce the budget deficit, and to do it in a way that signals seriousness to deficit-sensitive independent voters. This is a Congressional election year, after all.

Overseas, Obama’s objectives include getting out of Iraq as quickly and as quietly as possible, while delving deeper into Afghanistan, Somalia, Yemen, and anywhere else that would-be al-Qaida operatives are cramming explosives under their nutsacks.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: What are Obama’s top foreign policy objectives for 2010?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

For many Americans, welcoming a new year means champagne, dancing, discharging firearms skyward, college football, collards, black-eyed peas, Black Eyed Peas, Dick Clark and/or Ryan Seacrest, electrified mechanical apples, a midnight kiss, feeling sad about not getting a midnight kiss, vomiting, and headaches.

As if that wasn’t enough fun for one holiday, Americans are getting an extra special New Year’s gift for 2010 – a new front in the never-ending War On Terror™!

That’s right, folks, it looks like Yemen is set to join Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Somalia on the list of countries Americans plan to bomb until its residents like us.

Thank you notes for this thoughtful gift should be addressed to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab c/o Federal Correctional Institution, 4000 Arkona Road, Milan, MI 48160.

Mr. Abdulmutallab is the alleged Underpants Bomber, the man the U.S. government believes tried to blow up a Detroit-bound passenger jet on Christmas Day using explosives hidden in his Fruit of the Booms.

Abdulmutallab isn’t from Yemen. He’s from Nigeria. But bombing Nigeria isn’t in the cards.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Is the U.S. about to invade Yemen?”

(Photo Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

There’s plenty to dislike about living in London.

It’s wet. It’s cold. It’s expensive. In December, the sun goes down before 4 p.m. And for reasons I’ll never understand, London radio stations regularly play the music of Robbie Williams.

Living in London has some upsides, though.

You could go to the British Museum every weekend for the rest of your life and never see everything. That’s especially true if you walk slowly and plan to die soon. London’s Bangladeshi restaurants are incredible. And even if they disagree with me, at least the people in London know what I’m talking about when I complain about how dreadful Williams’ music is.

The thing I like most about London these days? Londoners get to browse their daily newspapers and see journalists complaining about how crappy their country’s official Iraq war inquiry is.

The inquiry, led by career civil servant Sir John Chilcot, has been criticized from the left, right and center for not pressing witnesses hard enough, for not forcing witnesses to testify under oath, and for not making crucial documents available to the public via the inquiry’s website at www.iraqinquiry.org.uk.

Those ungrateful limey reporter bastards! Don’t they realize how lucky they are? At least their country has a crappy Iraq war investigation to complain about.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic! Who is John Chilcot?”

(Photo Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

The website for North Korea’s Korean Central News Agency isn’t usually a repository of hope. The best one can usually expect from reading it is a guilty chuckle.

The rote totalitarian rigidity apparent in stories like “Every Korean Urged to Swim with Trend of Times in National Interests,” “Kim Jong Il’s Exploits For Party Building Praised” and “Colored Granite Made” would be hilarious if they were parody.

Unfortunately, these are actual news items – earnest propaganda from a delusional, paranoid dictatorship obsessed with getting respect from the outside world. It’s bad enough these news stories exist at all. It’s downright terrifying to think North Korean leaders clearly don’t realize how completely insane their own propaganda makes them sound.

With that in mind, imagine my amazement at KCNA’s sane-n-subdued report on the recent visit of U.S. special envoy Stephen Bosworth to North Korea’s capital, Pyongyang:

“Through working and frank discussion the two sides deepened the mutual understanding, narrowed their differences and found not a few common points. They also reached a series of common understandings of the need to resume the six-party talks. … Both sides agreed to continue to cooperate with each other in the future to narrow down the remaining differences.”

Wha-wha-what? “Mutual understanding”? “Common points”? “Narrow down the remaining differences”?

What the heck is going on? I mean, KCNA seldom makes reference to the U.S. or its allies without including phrases like “imperialist aggressors” and “bellicose puppets.” Did someone hack the KCNA server?

Actually, no.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Is Obama making progress toward long-term peace with North Korea?”

(Photo Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

Until quite recently, I was about as interested in the sex lives of golfers as I am about, well, golf – i.e., not even remotely interested.

Suddenly, I’m very interested.

The news media’s obsession with allegations that top golfer Tiger Woods was playing as many holes in his free time as he was at tournaments has given me an idea.

In this column, I’m always nagging about big news organizations ignoring important stories in favor of fluff, sensation and scandal. I suspect right about now, Woods feels the same way. He’s probably holed up in one of his mansions, infuriated and annoyed by the TV satellite trucks waiting outside for him. “Can’t they go cover something more important?” he’s probably thinking.

He’s also probably freaking out because his nine-figure annual income is going to decline sharply now that his squeaky-clean, ad-friendly public image has been coated with a thick film of nonoxynol-9.

My plan will address all three of these problems at once. I call it Operation Endust.

How will Operation Endust work? Easy. Woods simply needs to hop on one of his Gulfstream private jets, fly to Damascus, Syria, or Amman, Jordan, and have sex with the first willing Iraqi refugee he can find. His magical, media-magnetic man-parts will do the rest.

The world media will pay more attention to an epic humanitarian crisis. Angelina and Brad went in October, true – but they didn’t screw anyone. If Tiger goes there and has sex with a refugee, some of the satellite trucks will be drawn away from Tiger’s mansion. And the brave humanitarian gesture will almost certainly polish Woods’ tarnished image.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Can Tiger Woods’ penis solve the Iraqi refugee crisis?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

Being president of the United States has some perquisites.

You get a house. You never have to stop at red lights. And you’re pretty much guaranteed a multimillion dollar payday for your excruciatingly dull post-presidential memoir. Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill My Life Clinton.

The job also has downsides. You never really have a day off. Crazy people are trying to murder you. And no matter how much you want to punch him on his whiny mouth, you actually have to be polite to Sen. Joe Lieberman.

Perhaps the biggest downside is that, regardless of your policy ambitions, job one for every new president is mopping up the poop left behind by the last guy.

No modern president has walked into a more poop-drenched Oval Office than Barack Obama. F.D.R. handed World War II to Truman, but the U.S. was just four months shy of total, unambiguous victory at the time of Roosevelt’s death.

Obama was handed two big, unwinnable wars and a national economy in its steepest decline since the Great Depression.

The Iraq war has been the easier of the two wars for Obama to manage. War-weary Americans want out because they never wanted in. And war-hungry Americans think it’s OK to withdraw because they think Bush won the war. With the public on his side, Obama has been able to ratchet down troop levels with few objections. When’s the last time you heard a U.S. politician demand that Obama pour more resources into Iraq?

Obama’s plan for Afghanistan is conceptually straightforward: Apply the political and military lessons of Iraq to Afghanistan. Escalate the war. Tell everyone how successful escalating the war has been. Declare victory. Get out.

Will it work? It depends on what you mean by “work.”

Continue Reading “Is Obama’s escalation of the Afghanistan war going to succeed?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

According to the AJC, sales at local “ethnic” stores have dropped because local ethnics are also feeling the “sting” of recession.

It’s as if those born in other countries behave, like, actual humans or something. Weird!

This shouldn’t surprise me. As an underemployed Ethnic-American, I buy less camel conditioner and bomb-making materials than I used to.

Bookmark It

I owe my reader(s) a big apology.

In my Nov. 2 column, I dumped several heaping tablespoons of praise on the Obama administration for brokering a peaceful political compromise to the military coup crisis in Honduras. Even though I included the weasel-y journalistic hedge phrase “assuming the deal is OK’d by Honduras’ Congress,” I still wrote the entire column as if the agreement was a done deal.

I was wrong and apologize. Big-ly.

It turns out I spoke way too soon. Honduras’ Congress didn’t OK the deal. They haven’t even bothered to vote on it. A series of events I characterized as a victory for the Obama administration’s multilateral diplomacy, for democracy, and for improving the U.S.’ standing in Latin America, were in fact cringe-inducing displays of weakness, ineptitude and cynicism.

First, a little background info.

On June 28, Honduran soldiers picked up an hombre named Manuel Zelaya, put him on an airplane, and deposited him approximately 350 miles to the southeast in beautiful Costa Rica.

That doesn’t sound too bad, right? After all, who wouldn’t want a free flight to Costa Rica?

Continue Reading “What happened to the U.S.-brokered political deal in Honduras?”

(Photo Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

Bookmark It

Six weeks before a new mayor was to replace him, and one day after publicly acknowledging his responsibility for the 2006 police killing of 92-year-old Kathryn Johnston, WSB-TV reports Atlanta Police Chief Richard Pennington resigned today.

UPDATE: Read Mayor Franklin’s response below in comments.

(CL file photo Joeff Davis)

Bookmark It

Just six weeks before he’s scheduled to be replaced by the city’s next mayor, Atlanta Police Chief Richard Pennington has at last publicly apologized for the police killing of 92-year-old Kathryn Johnston. Johnston was gunned down on November 21, 2006 while defending her home from police officers executing a bogus drug warrant..

“I take full responsibility for what happened,” said Pennington to a memorial gathering at Lindsay Street Baptist Church, not far from Johnston’s former home.

It’s not at all clear what Pennington means by “full responsibility.” Responsibility for the killing? The cover-up? For not cutting short his vacation and returning to Atlanta immediately upon finding out his officers gunned down a 92-year-old woman in her home? Is he going to resign? Is he going to lock himself in jail as penance? Is he going to return the three-years of city paychecks he’s been drawing since the killing?

I know. I know. I probably shouldn’t be too hard on Pennington. After all, it’s clear the guy’s hurting a lot inside. As he explained at the memorial yesterday, “[w]e went through some difficult times and no one felt it more than I did.”

Did you catch that? NO ONE felt it more than Pennington. The only thing that hurts more than getting shot five times is being a lousy police chief.

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

Bookmark It

During a Hosea Feed The Hungry event/photo-op today in Atlanta, Food Network star Paula Deen took a ham to the face.

According to CBS 46, Deen’s nose is sore, but she’s otherwise unhurt. Food Network historians believe it’s the closest an unbattered, non-deep-fried meat has ever gotten to Deen’s mouth.

Bookmark It