Fresh Loaf

Oh, Avril Lavigne, why must you do this to me? I was just about ready to decide whether or not the fact that I enjoy dancing in my car to your song, “Girlfriend,” is a guilty pleasure or just plain regular pleasure, and just when I was pretty sure I should let everyone know that I think your new jam is the best cheerleader-type anthem since Gwen Stefani’s “B-A-N-A-N-A-S” ditty or “Hey, Mickey” in the ’80s, I find out on YouTube that you’ve recorded this song in about 483,901,483,920 different languages. This just isn’t funny, Avril. Now not only can I not get the song out of my head in English, but I also find myself repeating it in Mandarin Chinese.

Dear MTV,
I have a bone to pick with you about your new show, “Scarred.” I watched it last night when you snuck it in between two shows that are funny (”Punk’d” and “Human Giant”). This was extra sneaky of you, MTV. There I am, watching Ashton Kutcher do all those funny things to his celeb friends when suddenly, OUT OF NOWHERE, you put on this show with home movies of retarded teenagers falling and breaking their asses. I thought you told me it was funny when people fell off skateboards and hit each other in the balls (case in point, “Jackass,” “Wildboyz” and all of those shows you gave Bam Margera and Steve-O), but these clips are definitely NOT FUNNY. See below:

Those look like major unfunny ouchies, MTV. How come I never see Steve-O at the hospital or Johnny Knoxville’s bones all poking out of his arms? I thought there weren’t any consequences when men acted like 13 year old boys and now you’re all like, “Look what can happen when you act like an idiot on a skateboard.” That’s pretty much like telling me one day Britney Spears will go from being a Southern pop princess sweetheart to a bald-headed trailer trash crazy, or that there’s no Santa Claus, or that all those lucky kids who get their ride pimped get it jacked in the ‘hood a day later. Not cool, MTV. Not cool.

Morgan Pozgar, texting champ

(Photo from Yahoo.com)

As if the young folks needed any more lame excuses for “sports” (you know you saw that cup stacking champ clip on YouTube), some teenage girl with speedy fingers was named the 2007 United States Text Messaging Champion this weekend, taking out other top texters by typing the phrase “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you said it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious” of Mary Poppins fame in less than 15 seconds without abbreviations.
OK, I know I’m going to look like a dork for pointing this out, but nowhere in the article does it say if competitors were allowed to use predictive text (um, hello! Texters everywhere know that this would make anything textable in under 15 seconds) and in the pic it looks like that girl is using a Sidekick — making it way easier for her tiny teen fingers to get to all those letters. Second-place champ Eli Tirosh was MRJLY BUMMED when she lost due to a spelling error, saying, “whatevs, rly sucks, i g2g, ttyl.”

Singer/songwriter Paolo Nutini has more than a few bad habits. Besides being fond of ratty, old-man sweaters, and sporting a longish and messy mop-top in desperate need of a scolding from a large hairbrush, the 20-year-old Scotsman showed up at the Variety Playhouse Wednesday night clearly having previously participated in a favorite Scottish pastime — getting shit-faced. Not that the crowd cared. Nutini’s voice sounded a little like how Van Morrison would sound after being put through a washing machine, and his scratchy, sexy croon was enough to shut up even the rowdiest concertgoer (read: drunk, obnoxious sorority sisters who were standing to my left).

In addition to playing his wildly fun rock ’n’ roll singles “Jenny Don’t Be Hasty” and “New Shoes” from his These Streets album, Nutini debuted two new songs for the Atlanta crowd titled “Rainbows” (which was surprisingly, given the title, the loudest and most energetic tune of the night) and “55 to 1,” a charming ditty about the odds of a long-distance relationship making it through the long haul. After playing crowd favorite “Funky Cigarette,” which he described as being about his first experience with ganja, Nutini launched into a brilliant cover of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab.”

Following in the footsteps of KT Tunstall, Nutini is on his way to becoming the Next Big Scottish Thing. The Variety was filled to the brim with teenyboppers AND their parents, and both groups seemed to find Nutini’s slightly off-kilter (get it? Kilts? har har har) demeanor adorable, even if they weren’t able to translate his Scottish brogue into “Southern speak” (I heard at least five people yell: “Dijya’ll just get what he said?”). But even if they didn’t get every word of his stage banter, they knew all the words to his tunes, joining in what Nutini called his “first Southern sing-along.” Check out more Paolo Nutini at www.myspace.com/paolonutini.

Check out this video where Dallas Austin goes off on girls like Joss Stone for “fucking producers for tracks.”

It’s strange that Dallas would call out Joss for having a relationship with producer Raphael Saadiq, when he’s clearly used his own personal relationships to get ahead . I seem to remember Dallas getting sprung from a Dubai jail with help from right-wing Senator Orrin Hatch. Interesting … Joss Stone hooking up with Raphael Saadiq makes her a cheap ho, but Dallas Austin using his political hookups with conservative crazies to get out of a four-year jail sentence for carrying more than a gram of cocaine in his luggage through an airport makes him … not a cheap ho?

If you are looking for a new reality TV show to get addicted to on Monday nights (’cause we all know you are SO over “The Hills”), you need to check out “Australia’s Next Top Model” on VH1. Not only is the show a bazillion times better than the American version (the models are all actually hot — no fatties! and they live in a sweet pad — no giant Tyra posters!) but the first episode featured a swimsuit photo shoot. Obviously, a real top model would never go near a bikini without getting waxed down under (OK, you knew that was coming), and all the contestants have to drop their drawers. While most of them are freaked out about the pain, none of them seem to make that they are all to receive their Brazillian en masse in their living room. I don’t even like getting my eyebrows waxed in the middle of a salon, but apparently Amazons with Crocodile Dundee accents aren’t into modesty.

This is probably the ickiest YouTube video I’ve seen all day. It looks like most of the rats in New York City’s West Village have taken up residence at the local Taco Bell/KFC franchise (where else?). I guess now we know what at least four of the layers are in that seven-layer burrito-thing they make.

L.A. resident Judy Sugden is breeding tigers and cats together in hopes of one day creating the perfect Toyger, a house cat bred to look like a toy model of the largest member of the cat family.

Sugden, credited in the article as the “inventor” of the Toyger (I hope she’s paying Napoleon Dynamite royalties …) doesn’t understand the animal rights activists and veterinarians who wish she wouldn’t add to the already overpopulated species by creating a “designer breed.” According to the author, “As Sugden sees it, Toygers are about saving something rarer—the essence of tigerness.”

I feel like that’s what Diddy’s cologne probably smells like.

The Sun, a UK tabloid, is reporting that the “rhythm method,” commonly referred to as “Russian roulette” but with sex, is just as effective as any birth control pill. According to the article, gynecologist Petra Frank-Hermann studied 900 women and only one in 250 had an unplanned pregnancy per year when using the method correctly. Luckily, the Sun isn’t entirely irresponsible, and notes “the system must be followed to the letter and takes three months to master.” I wonder what happens in those three months when you’re “practicing” the rhythm method? oh right: your first trimester.

I know what you�re thinking: �I�d rather sit in traffic on 285 for an extra 30 minutes than listen to another story about Anna Nicole Smith.� But isn�t it fun to remember the Anna we all knew and laughed at? You know, the drunk one? Here�s a new video of Anna wearing clown make up and promising that she�s not on shrooms.

In a new study by the U.N.’s children organization, Dutch children were named the happiest and most fortunate children in the world. The study looked at relative poverty, educational and health standards, sexual behavior and the children’s relationship with friends and parents. Experts seem to think the Netherlands’ first place status has a lot to do with healthier relationships between parents and children and that less pressure is put on children in school. But we’re guessing the ranking also had a lot to do with all the legal ganja those kids are smoking.

For your daily dose of children krumping, check out my new favorite video from Gym Class Heroes called �Cupid�s Chokehold.� Look for the cameo from Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy.

Apparently for lack of anything better to outlaw, senators in New York state are looking to put spinning rims on the state�s no-no list. No one is sure why, since the wheels are not prohibited under federal law, nor are there any conclusive studies to indicate that spinners pose a safety risk. From what I hear, pimping isn�t easy, especially without flashy, twirling hubcaps.

The queen of bad habits, Britney Spears, finally checked her drunk ass into rehab on Feb. 15, but then checked out a day later on the 16th. Probably to rush home and take care of her two tater tots � um, not. She probably just got lost on her way to the Four Seasons.

The new GO International Proenza Schouler line hit Target stores this weekend and if you haven�t checked it out by now you are probably shit out of luck (unless you�re a size 1 or 13+, because that�s all that was left at the North DeKalb Road Target Greatland when I was there yesterday). You�ll have to just watch and pout sadly as all your friends parade around looking like this:

� did I say �pout sadly�? I meant laugh maniacally at the tons of women who will be walking around dressed like mismatched ragamuffin hookers. Don�t get me wrong, I am just as addicted to Target as the next girl and I was looking forward to the Proenza Schouler line (famous fans of the high-end designer include Natalie Portman, and who wouldn�t want to look a little more like Queen Amidala?) but most of the stuff looks a little like what a color-blind hipster would wear.

Target�s own spring stuff was pretty neat, with the exception of a whole bunch of tube tops that look like this:

These were clearly designed by a perv, because anyone with boobies knows that tummy pocket + tube top = a baaaaaad idea.

So I�m out on the town this weekend and I bump into two kids who look like they�re wearing Halloween costumes. I get a little closer and I realize they are actually wearing the coolest fucking hoodies I have ever seen. Turns out they are from the clothing company Lifted Research Group or L-R-G. Kanye West is a big fan (he showed up at Fashion Week in their duds and rocks one of their hoodies in his new video with the Game). L-R-G has a neat website, but you can�t buy their stuff on it (doh!). The site does include boutiques in Atlanta that carry their clothes � a list that includes Macy�s at Lenox Square and KWYS Fashion in Decatur.

When everyone started carrying puppies in their handbags, I�ll admit that I thought it was cute. I wondered what happened when the puppy needed to poo, but I figured the handbag owner had worked that out. But if this new trend in China takes off, I�d be concerned about how the mud would be transported � but then again � who cares? Mini-pigs in kimonos are ADORABLE.

If you�re like me, you probably have wondered what Jake Gyllenhaal looks like without clothes on. Well imagine no more, friend. At Stardolls, Jake�s undergarments are up to you (spandex is not included in his �closet� � bummer!).

Ask a Democratic Senator in Washington what he�ll be celebrating on Feb. 11. If he�s gotten Speaker Nancy Pelosi�s official calendar, he�ll probably respond: �Dude! Remember when Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face? That was awesome.�

If you�re going to get arrested, you might not want to look like this:

According to the article posted here, Lisa Marie Nowak, a NASA astronaut and robotics specialist, was charged with attempting to kidnap a romantic rival in a love triangle with another astronaut. Nowak was ordered released on bail Tuesday on condition that she not contact the alleged victim. Police said she drove some 1,400 kilometers, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut. Nowak rode aboard Discovery in July. Oefelein, 41, piloted the space shuttle Discovery in December. They trained together but never flew together.

But wait, there�s more!:

�Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn’t have to make rest stops, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.�

�and apparently astronauts also wear them when out hunting down their man�s extra lady friend.

“Nowak told police her relationship with Oefelein was “more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship,” according to an arrest affidavit.”

We�re pretty sure that translates to �fuck buddies.� Way to go and ruin a good thing, Nowak. Now where are you going to go for space nookie?

We knew Mama couldn��t stay away from the game. She came back last night and
went 2 for 2, kids. Now it’s time for the big one. That’s right, the Super
Bowl is this weekend (Mama’s pretty sure it’s this Sunday) and people
everywhere are asking: “Mama, who you picking?” Well here they are, Mama’s picks for Super Bowl
Sunday:

Indianapolis Colts -7 over the Chicago Bears. Mama’s already told you she
looks better in blue and white. Besides, that Peyton Manning is quite the
hottie, and what do hot quarterbacks do? They win! AND they nail the prom
queen.

I’m also betting that Billy Joel will begin his performance of the national
anthem by crashing his car into the stadium, that K-Fed’s commercial will
mark the beginning of an upswing in his career, that the Budweiser
commercials will feature an animal that is slimy and small, and finally,
that Prince will use his facial hair to stencil in the name of the team he
is supporting.

Remember ya’ll, bet responsibly, your own Mama would want you to.

You�ve probably been wondering (or not) where Mama has been these past few days. It had something to do with Mama realizing that betting on sports is almost as boring as watching them, and a conversation Mama had with her roommates this week that went something like this:

Roommate #1 � Mama, who�s playing in the Super Bowl?

Mama � Uh, the Bears and (long pause) � the Bears and � (longer pause followed by Googling) the Colts!

Roommate #2 � Those don�t sound like very popular teams.

Mama � I�m sure they are popular in Chicago and � wherever the Colts are from.

Roommate #1 � Chicago? Wait, why aren�t the Cubs playing?

This went on for a while until we decided that we would root for the Colts on Sunday, because Roommate #1 insisted we all looked better in blue and white than black and orange. Folks, this whole thing made Mama realize that she has no business placing bets on sports teams based on prettier colors and quarterbacks. Then Roommate #2 said this: �Wait, you guys. The Colts have Payton Manning, who is super hot and in those funny commercials. There�s no way we can lose!�

You see, Mama knew she was on to something when she decided that hot guys always win. And she can�t let girls down everywhere by starting to pick teams the �manly� and/or �informed� way. Besides, today is Mama�s birthday, so there�s no way she can lose.

Cleveland Cavaliers +6 over the Miami Heat. I think Shaq is out with some sort of shin injury, and if you have someone on your team who hurts his SHIN so bad he can�t play, then you�re probably a bunch of pussies anyway. Plus, aren�t cavaliers supposed to be all daring and � cavalier? Cleveland wins!

Phoenix Suns – 6.5 over the San Antonio Spurs. This was a tough one. OK, this might have been a tough one if I cared about either of these two teams. The Suns will totally outshine the Spurs, because what team would name themselves after part of a cowboy costume? Phoenix wins!

I�m not sure if I can pinpoint why the new Nickelback song sucks so bad. Is it because Nickelback holds a permanent position on the Terrible Shitness List, aka my current list of the most shiteous bands on the radio? Nickelback comes in tied for first along with resident masters-of-doodiepie-melodies Puddle of Mudd and Staind. The next spot on my list is a rotating one that is currently occupied by Hinder because their song �Lips of an Angel� makes me want to poke my eyes out with spoons, and because despite its incredibly high craptacular factor, ATL radio stations can�t seem to stop playing it.

Seriously though, Nickleback has sold, like, 400 bazillion records. Who the fuck buys these things? Where are you people? Why are you torturing your ears with this ass-crappery?

Britain�s GW Pharmaceuticals is working on creating drug from a strain of ganja that will suppress your appetite instead of giving you the munchies. And they�re looking for volunteers to test it on, so roll a fattie, Fattie, and sign yourself up.

If you�ve visited the ladies room in the Villa Rica Waffle House recently, you�ve been on candid camera! Except when we say candid camera, we mean the manager videotaped you doing your biz and then made DVDs of the wireless video stream. Check out the article here.