Fresh Loaf

Last week, I wrote about how individual and official corruption has pushed Nigeria to the brink of collapse. Despite being as dense with natural resources as a Whole Foods store built on top of an Exxon, roughly 80 percent of Nigerians live on less than $2 per day.

Rereading the column yesterday, I had a couple thoughts.

First, I thought, “Wow! If I managed the newspapers in which this column appeared, I’d double the columnist’s pay! Retroactively!”

Second, I thought the concept of corruption could probably use a little more explaining.

The overwhelming majority of Americans don’t experience corruption the way people in poorer countries do. By and large, we aren’t hustled by cops for $100 bills when we get pulled over for speeding. The fire department doesn’t demand tribute before extinguishing your house. And we don’t have politicians in this country who rig our political and economic rules to help moneyed special interests. OK, scratch that last one.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Tell me more about corruption, please.”

(Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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In a move that threatens to make emptying your spam folder much less amusing, the Nigerian government recently launched a big crackdown on so-called “419″ scammers.

The 419 scam, named for the section of the Nigerian legal code outlawing it, reportedly rakes in billions of dollars annually. It works thusly: You know those weird, obsequious, all-cap business proposal e-mails you delete (e.g. GREETINGS OF THE DAY TO YOU KIND SIR: I AM THE WIDOW OF FORMER ASSISTANT UNDERSECRETARY OF PETROLEUM DEVELOPMENT PETER KUMBAYA-MYLORD-KUMBAYA AND IT IS MY GREAT PLEASURE TO WRITE TO YOU AND PRESENT MY BUSINESS PROPOSAL FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION)? It turns out lots of people actually believe the e-mails are real.

The 419 is an advance-fee scam, meaning “guy promises to send you $800,000 if you send him $1,000 to take care of the paperwork necessary to obtain the money.”

But the 419 will forever be associated with Nigeria because it’s the best-known Nigerian export: corruption.

Continue Reading “Don’t Panic: Is Nigeria finally cleaning up its crooked ways?”

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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After Iran’s nascent green revolution was forced from America’s collective consciousness by Gov. Mark Sanford’s public loss of virginity, Michael Jackson beating it, and Sarah Palin quitting to prove she’s no quitter, many of my friends were dismayed. Quite a few of them complained about how titillating news is always pushing important news out of the limelight.

For a long time, I thought obsessing on nonsense was a luxury enjoyed by prosperous, peaceful societies. Humans are born with enough mental capacity to hunt for food and fight off predators and rivals. Because our society is prosperous and orderly, I thought, we Americans can’t help but devote our unused mental capacity to stupid things like “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” OMG, have you seen Danielle’s sex tape? OMG, she’s so trashy!

Continue reading Don’t Panic!

(Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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Iranians have got a lot going on.

A typical day for an Iranian consists of: waking up; being oppressed by a fanatical, corrupt, incompetent regime; going to work (if they’re lucky enough to have a job); getting oppressed; spending time with family; running some errands; enjoying an “Ugly Betty” rerun; and maybe some more oppression before bed.

On June 12, the nation collectively carved time out of this hectic schedule to cast votes in a presidential election.

Don’t be mistaken: Iran is not a democracy. It’s a theocracy with many democratic characteristics.
The country’s real ruler is “Supreme Leader” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. He runs an unelected religious gang called the Guardian Council. They’re the government’s highest decision-making body. Among the Guardian Council’s powers: choosing who is allowed to run for public office.

It’s as if a committee consisting of a priest, a rabbi, a Protestant minister, an imam and David Copperfield had the power to strike U.S. political candidates from any ballot.

In other words, Iran’s election was fixed before the ballots were even printed. Fixed. Broken. Same thing.

But that’s not to say Iran’s elections are meaningless. As long as no one questions the primacy of the hats-n-beards on the Guardian Council, Iran actually allows free-ish political debate. Iran’s public political discourse is significantly more open than in the other large thugocracies of the Muslim Middle East, Egypt and Saudi Arabia (both of which are U.S. allies, by the way).

Massive pre-election rallies, as well as very long lines at polling places, strongly suggest the Iranian public is in the mood for change.

Any change will do at this point: change they need, change they can believe in, regime change, whatever. At this point, I’m sure a lot of them would settle for change for a dollar.

Why are so many Iranians eager to turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes?

Because by any objective measure, their current government is a disaster.

(more…)

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After President Obama’s Cairo speech, one of the more bizarre memes to emerge from the Magical Dungeon of Nonsensical Anti-Obama Talking Points was the notion that Obama’s words were somehow harshly critical of Israel.

The most popular criticism: Obama’s speech threw Israel “under the bus.” Michael Goldfarb of the Weekly Standard said it. Former Bush One Deputy Undersecretary of Defense Jed Babbin said it. Best-selling professional Muslim-hater Robert Spencer said it, too.

Google — or, if you prefer, Bing — the phrase “Obama threw Israel under the bus” and you’ll find countless examples. By countless, I mean there were a lot, but I didn’t count them.

Rush Limbaugh didn’t use “under the bus.” Instead, he said Obama’s speech “threw Israel over the cliff.”

I’m not sure if getting thrown over a cliff is supposed to be better or worse than getting thrown under a bus. I suppose it depends on what’s at the bottom of the cliff. If there’s a giant trampoline or a nude beach with exceptionally bouncy sand at the bottom, then maybe the cliff ain’t so bad.

If, however, there are dragons at the bottom of the cliff, or a freaky modern art installation consisting of thousands of upward-facing pitchforks, then I’m taking the under-the-bus option.

(Click here to read the rest of this column. If you don’t, an angel holding a puppy will spontaneously combust.)

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I had CNN on mute the other morning and saw something out of the corner of my eye about President Barack Obama speaking at Cairo University in Egypt about muslin.

I was only half paying attention, but it seemed like he went on for, like, a whole hour about how the U.S. has no quarrel with muslin in general, but only with violent muslin radicals who want to destroy America’s traditions — by which I assume he meant denim. I guess he did the speech in Cairo because Egypt is one of the world’s largest growers of cotton and is therefore a hotbed of muslin extremism.

I sure hope the muslin world isn’t too cloth-eared to accept Obama’s benevolent overture.

If you think the muslin/Muslim pun in the first three paragraphs is stupid, I don’t blame you. Rereading it now, I haven’t quite cottoned to it myself.

OK, I promise I’ll stop.

But punning muslin and Muslim is only slightly sillier than politicians and journalists suggesting over and over that the “Muslim world” constitutes a coherent grouping of people.

“Muslim world” is about as nonspecific as one can get. Targeting a speech to the “Muslim world” is like walking up to a podium and saying, “Greetings, Earthlings,” or “Welcome, my fellow vertebrates.”

(Read the rest)

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What does North Korea hope to gain by testing nuclear weapons?

On May 25, North Korea flipped a radioactive bird at President Barack Obama when it exploded a nuclear device in an underground facility in the northeast part of the country.

The test site was not far from the spot where, in 2006, North Korea exploded a similarly frightening gizmo, described at the time by the Bush administration as a “nookyullar” device. North Korea is thought to be the only country on Earth to possess both a nuclear and a nookyullar device.

You may have noticed I’m using the word device rather than weapon to describe these North Korean explosive thingies. That’s because I was just listening to Selig Harrison, former Washington Post Northeast Asia bureau chief and current head of the Center for International Policy’s Asia Program, speaking on my favorite news radio show, KCRW-FM’s “To The Point.” (Yes, that was a shameless attempt to earn a KCRW tote bag.)

Harrison says there’s no evidence to suggest North Korea has the technical know-how to fire a nuclear device at anyone. Exploding a weapon underground in what essentially is a laboratory is very different from miniaturizing a weapon and mounting it atop a missile.

I’m not saying don’t be scared of North Korea. I’m just saying you should know precisely what it is you might be scared of.

(Read the rest, please)

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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Aung San Suu Kyi

Aung San Suu Kyi, the astonishingly courageous and graceful Burmese democracy leader, has been re-imprisoned by Burma’s murderous military junta.

The junta has charged Suu Kyi with violating the terms of her house arrest after some guy from Missouri swam uninvited to her lakeside home.

Burmese democracy leaders say the junta is using the bizarre incident as an excuse to extend Suu Kyi’s house arrest through next year’s scheduled elections. Suu Kyi has spent 13 of the last 20 years in prison or under house arrest because she had the temerity to lead her party to victory in elections in Burma in 1990.

For more on Suu Kyi’s extraordinary heroism in opposition to brutality, click here. For more on the murderers who have imprisoned Suu Kyi, click here.

I also recommend visiting the The Burma Campaign UK for general information, including what you can do to pressure international leaders to help Suu Kyi and the Burmese people.

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Pakistan is collapsing into civil war, causing world leaders, pundits and assorted chickens, wusses, pussies and scaredy cats to start freaking out.

Why the freakness?

Outside observers are afraid the world is about to confront a nuclear nightmare. They’re afraid Pakistan’s super-violent, fundamentalist Taliban fighters might be able to get their hands on one of Pakistan’s nuclear weapons.

Is it possible?

Yes. It’s actually happened before.

In 1965, an organized crime group led by a man named Emilio Largo stole a French fighter jet loaded with two nuclear weapons.

Largo and his crew hid the weapons in an underwater cave in the Bahamas. Largo threatened to nuke Miami unless he received a sack of diamonds worth approximately $2 billion in today’s money.

Largo was on the brink of bombing Miami, but was thwarted at the last minute by a heroic British government employee who not only found the nukes, but also killed Largo and stole his mega-hot girlfriend…

Continue reading Don’t Panic

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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The casual savagery of life in Iraq never fails to shock me.

For example, Reuters reports that Iraq’s government plans to kill all of the country’s bores. They claim it’s part of an effort to fend off an outbreak of H1N1, the so-called swine flu.

I’m not sure if the mass murder of wallflowers, dullards and people who talk about work at dinner parties is going to stop the spread of flu. Even if it does work, it’s still barbaric.

OK, scratch that. I just reread my notes. They’re killing boars.

But still, violence in Iraq is shocking.

Last week, terrorists detonated three car bombs within minutes of each other on a commercial strip in Baghdad’s Sadr City neighborhood. Forty-one people were killed and at least 60 were injured. The bombs went off around 5 p.m., the area’s peak shopping time.

The bombing wasn’t an isolated incident. Violence against civilians in Iraq is once again surging.

Click here to read the rest of Don’t Panic

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After I fix piracy, I will focus my energy on the most vicious terrorists of all: Canadian geese.

How can America stop Somalia’s sea pirates?

If Obama put me in charge of “Operation Hook-hands Into Plowshares,” here’s what I’d do:

1) First, stop referring to Somalia as a “failed state.” Many Somali pirates are teenage boys. We all know how moody and status-hungry teenagers can be. The low self-esteem associated with living in a failed state is clearly causing them to act out. Instead of calling Somalia failed, how about something nicer, like “differently successful”?

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ATTENTION JOB SEEKERS

Don’t be discouraged by the nation’s ballooning unemployment figures. There are plenty of great jobs out there. You just need to start being creative about where you look, and open-minded about what kind of jobs you’re willing to take.

For example, if you’re a physically fit black man who enjoys acting in non-sexual wrestling videos, you can earn a quick $125 simply by visiting Craigslist and answering the ad titled “Black Muscular Males For Nonsexual Wresting Videos.”

Unemployed sugarbabies in the Southeast United States take note: Craigslist also features a help-wanted ad posted by a self-described Miami “sugardaddy” who travels to Georgia for work.

At the moment, he’s looking for an Atlanta sugarbaby with whom he can enjoy dancing, golf, fishing, and jai alai. “Pay is cash for time spent together. Obviously the more time we see each other, the more pay.” Obviously.

For my international reader(s), the recent London Review of Books features a classified ad that reads simply, “Lesbian, 30, wants man’s cock to play with. Also balls.” I’m not sure if it’s for money or if, in this case, the work is its own reward.

Good luck on your job hunt, but be very careful. There are a lot of people out there trying to take advantage in these desperate economic times.

(more…)

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Critics of the not-yet-passed-as-I’m-writing-this economic stimulus package complain it’s packed with wasteful spending that won’t do anything to defibrillate the U.S. economy.

Among the spending singled-out as wasteful by critics: $25 million to improve trails for all-terrain vehicles, $50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts, and $335 million to help fight the spread of STDs. As someone whose lifelong dream it is to film ironic, noir-ish sex-ed videos in remote corners of national parks for screening on PBS, I’m feeling pretty good right about now.

As luck would have it, the big stimulus bill working its way through D.C. isn’t the only economic lifeline being tossed my way by Team Obama. The Feds are also offering a generous subsidy to foreign policy columnists.

Unlike the stimulus, this subsidy is not being offered as a cash payment. Rather, the Obama administration’s war strategy in Afghanistan is so unclear, newspapers have no choice but to keep paying people like me to help explain it. With unemployment in my home state at a 26-year high, all I can say is WOO-HOO! Yes we can!

In fairness, Obama didn’t create the current mess and his White House may well soon emerge with a smart, sane, clear mission statement for Afghanistan.

But that doesn’t change the fact that, as of right now, Obama has committed an additional 20,000 U.S. troops to a battle without any obvious goals. (more…)

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The list of important things I don’t understand is long, and growing.

Why, for example, do my dog Mathilde’s feet always smell like Fritos? My other dog Sarah’s feet never smell like anything. They live in the same house and go on the same walks. Their feet should smell the same.

And would anyone buy the Mamma Mia! movie soundtrack?

Fun movie, yes. But why would you listen to Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA songs if you’re not also looking at him. Why not just listen to ABBA?

On a slightly different topic, why oh why oh why did Barack Obama select Hillary Clinton to be Secretary of State? And why did only two U.S. Senators vote against her confirmation?

I’m not a knee-jerk Hillary-hater. I sincerely believe that most of the public anger directed at her over the years is misogyny masquerading as informed opinion.

I nevertheless have two big problems with Obama picking Clinton to run the American diplomacy shop.

First, despite her obvious intellect, Hillary Clinton is a proven failure as a political leader. (more…)

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On Dec. 27, Israel attacked the Gaza Strip — a small coastal enclave abutting Israel and the very crowded home of 1.5 million Palestinians.

As of Jan., 1,080 Palestinians have been killed in Gaza, 765 of them were civilians. An additional 5,100 Palestinians have been wounded. Thirteen Israelis have been killed. Three of them were civilians. An additional 80 Israelis have been wounded.

The disparity in the number of casualties is largely the result of each side’s relative military strength. Hamas, the militant group exercising semi-control of Gaza, is a sloppy gang of militants and terrorist dicktards. Its arsenal consists of guns and homemade rockets. If it were capable of killing more Israelis, it certainly would.

Israel, however, has one of the world’s largest, most technologically abundant militaries. Its arsenal includes tanks, advanced fighter jets, precision-guided bombs and missiles, a modern navy with submarines, and nuclear weapons. A vast majority of the Palestinian dead have been killed by conventional Israeli bombs, missiles and shrapnel. Nevertheless, much attention has been paid in recent days to Palestinian victims of white phosphorous weapons.

White phosphorous, or WP, is a man-made derivative of the chemical element phosphorous. Phosphorous is found on the periodic table of elements, nudged between silicon and sulphur. WP is most commonly used to make phosphoric acid, a key ingredient in chemical cleansers, fertilizers, and, um, Coca-Cola. Phosphoric acid is what gives Coke its tanginess.

Unfortunately, white phosphorous also contains chemical properties that make it very useful to a military. It burns very brightly, allowing illumination of battle areas at night. It also generates a lot of smoke, obscuring troop movements during the day. Packed in a bomb, grenade, or artillery shell, it’s a powerful incendiary, part of a weapon intended to set things on fire (as opposed to regular weapons, which destroy targets with explosions and flying metal).

WP incendiaries devices work by disbursing a cloud of white phosphorous dust, which then ignites at 86 degrees Farenheit. It won’t stop burning until its oxygen supply is cut-off.

When WP dust comes into contact with the human body (which is approximately 98.6 degrees Farenheit), it burns. And burns. And burns. It doesn’t stop until it digs all the way down to the bone. People killed or wounded by WP look like they’ve been dipped in acid. (more…)

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With just a few pages remaining on our “countdown to a president who can actually pronounce the word ‘nuclear’ and who doesn’t look or act like he sprouted from the egg of a dim-witted chimpanzee fertilized by the irradiated sperm of Roy Rogers” page-a-day calendars, George W. Bush has already given up even pretending he’s president.

Instead, Dubya is in ex-president mode, focusing his energy on legacy-management.

Roughly half the White House home page is now occupied by links to documents that attempt to spin a positive, alternate history of the Bush years.

The most obnoxious is the 40-pager titled, “100 Things You May Not Know About The Bush Presidency.”

In the “every day is opposite day” dream-world from which the document emanates, Bush actually boasts about his economic leadership.

“[S]ix years of uninterrupted economic growth and 52 consecutive months of job growth,” says one bullet point. Conveniently missing are the bits about how he steered the economy into its deepest hole since the Great Depression.

Even more asinine is this bullet-point boast, appearing under the header “Kept America Safe”: “For more than seven years after September 11, 2001, prevented another attack on our homeland.”

Excuse me? Um, George, you were actually president on 9/11. It was the deadliest ever foreign attack on U.S. soil, and unless Wikipedia is lying to me again, the deadliest violent event in the U.S. since the Civil War’s Battle of Antietam.

“We haven’t had an attack while I was President except for that huge one that happened while I was President,” isn’t much of a boast.

It’s a bit like your wife standing up at your 10th wedding anniversary dinner and toasting you with “Honey, I just want you to know I haven’t been unfaithful to you since that weekend seven years ago when I snuck off to Vegas to star in Gangbang Party 14: Under the Milfy Way. Other than that, honey, totally faithful.” (more…)

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(Photo by Sameh Habeeb)

Israel says it’s attacking Gaza to stop cross-border rocket attacks into southern Israel by Hamas militants. Because launching rockets at populated areas is an act of war, Israel says its bombings are justified.

Hamas is attacking Israel with rockets because Israel has enforced a devastating economic blockade against Gaza for the past year and a half. Additionally, Israel’s military has controlled Gaza’s borders, airspace, and sea access for 41 years. Because economic blockades are an act of war, Hamas says its rocket strikes are justified.

In other words, Israel is attacking Gaza because Gaza was attacking Israel because Israel was attacking Gaza. Ctrl-A. Ctrl-C. Ctrl-V. Repeat.

Instead of talking about which side is at fault, let’s focus for a minute on all the innocent people who are suffering.

The Gaza Strip is a tiny and crowded Arab enclave on the Mediterranean — as small as Little Rock, Ark., but with 1.5 million people jammed in. It’s as densely populated as Bangkok.

On Dec. 27 and 28, Israel dropped more than 100 tons of bombs and missiles on the place. Israel insists its weapons are aimed at Hamas combatants, not civilians.

Sadly, many innocent Gazan civilians have thus far failed to make the distinction between bombs intended for militants and bombs intended for them. It seems that when bombs land on the heads of Gazan civilians, they die regardless.

As of New Years Eve, the United Nations says 320 of Gaza’s 1.5 million residents have been killed by Israeli airstrikes. An additional 1,400 have been injured.

The U.N. claims that 62 of those killed are civilians. The U.N. also says its civilian death count includes only women and children. Either there’s no such thing as a civilian man in Gaza, or the U.N. is vastly undercounting the number of civilian dead. (more…)

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Because you can’t be a journalist in late December without writing lists . . .

Five People Who Also Should Have Had Shoes Thrown At Them In 2008

5. Nouri al-Maliki – After Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Iraq this month, Bush tried to spin the incident as a size 10 vindication of the Iraq war. “That’s what happens in free societies,” he said. Credible reports have since surfaced saying Prime Minister of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki’s goons have tortured al-Zeidi and forced him to write an apology.  Free society, indeed. Shoe Maliki now.

4. Colin Powell – A leaked report on the failed Iraq occupation quotes former Secretary of State Colin Powell saying the Pentagon systematically lied about progress in Iraq way back in 2003. Powell knew it then, but he’s only telling us now. Thanks for nothing, Colin. You deserve a pair of combat boots to the head for every U.S. troop who has died in Iraq.

3. Mikheil Saakashvili – In August, the President of Georgia provoked a stupid war with Russia that left tens of thousands of Georgians dead and homeless. He then took $30 million in U.S. reconstruction aid and built a five-star boutique hotel and condo complex. Saakashvili needs a Saak-of-sneakers tossed at him, immediately.

2. Robert Mugabe – Zimbabwe’s dictator would rather see everyone in his country dead than relinquish power. His most recent crime: allowing a cholera outbreak to spread through the country’s water supply. He blames it on a foreign conspiracy, not his failure to maintain Zimbabwe’s water treatment plants. Health experts believes tens of thousands will die as a result of Mugabe’s most recent stupidity. There aren’t enough shoes at the Zappos.com warehouse to throw at his head.

1. Burma’s military junta – When Category 4 Cyclone Nargis devastated Burma in May, the goons who run Burma like their plantation were not only unprepared, but refused to admit foreign relief workers. Approximately 150,000 innocent Burmese lost their lives. The junta needs to buried alive under a Foot Locker store.

Don’t miss the Top Five Best-Named World Leaders of 2008. Everyone who reads it will receive $100 from the Bill Gates E-Mail Tracker Fund.

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For news writers, the year-end list is a subtle signal to readers that their publication has early holiday deadlines and they had to hurry up and turn something in.

For critics, it’s often an exercise in hipper-than-thou opacity.

“Wouldn’t it be sweet if an album took the prickly psych damage of Black Dice but made it work in the context of epic rock, so that it had the cathartic build of early Mogwai?”

That’s an actual sentence from Pitchfork’s “The 50 Best Albums of 2008” list. And for the record, no it wouldn’t be sweet.

I’ve written two year-end lists. Here’s the first.

Top Five Best-Named World Leaders of 2008

5. Condoleeza Rice – Rice is a lousy Secretary of State. I won’t miss her when she’s gone. But I will miss the funny headlines she generates when she travels to Asia for work. Gems like the AP’s November 30 “Bush sends Rice to India in aftermath of attacks” will soon be a thing of the past.

4. Hu Jintao – When I hear Chinese President Hu Jintao’s name, I imagine conversations between President Bush and his Asian policy briefers. “President Hu is on the phone for you, sir.” “President who?” “President Hu. From China, sir.” “Don’t ask me who. You’re the one who’s supposed to remember his name.”

3. Jigme Khesar Namgyal Wangchuck – Crowned King of Bhutan by his father last month, this 28-year-old hunky Himalayan has all the ladies in Bhutan singing “Everybody Wangchuck Tonight.”

2. Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung of Vietnam – Tan Dung? Have you seen a doctor for that, Prime Minister?

1. Al-Wathiqu Billah Tuanku Mizan Zainal Abidin Ibni Al-Marhum Sultan Mahmud Al-Muktafi Billah Shah – That’s a real name. Honest. He is the King (a.k.a. the Yang di-Pertuan Agong) of Malaysia. He’s only 46, so expect to see him at number one on this particular list for decades to come.

That reminds me, I want to give a shout-out to Larry Tesler. Tesler invented the copy-and-paste function for word processors in the 1970s. That last item would not have been possible without him.

Come back tomorrow for my list of people who also deserved to have shoes thrown at them.

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Lashkar-e-Taiba sounds like the name of a perky, South Asian ice-dancing duo. “Taiba’s triple lutz was the crowd pleaser, but it was Lashkar’s flawless camel spin that really wowed the judges.”

But don’t let the cute moniker fool you. Lashkar-e-Taiba is a terrorist group headquartered in Pakistan. It’s a very, very, (very!) dangerous organization.

Audience shouts: “How dangerous is it?

It’s soooo dangerous, when she steps on a talking scale, the scale says “ouch.”

I’m sorry. That’s how fat your mama is.

Lashkar-e-Taiba is soooo dangerous, it very nearly started a nuclear war.

In December 2001, LeT attacked India’s parliament in New Delhi. The assault left 12 dead and 22 injured. Naturally, India was furious. LeT operated freely and openly in Pakistan. India warned Pakistan: if you don’t crack down on LeT, we will.

To show it was serious, India ordered a massive troop build-up along its border with Pakistan. By mid-2002, India had roughly 700,000 troops — and nuclear weapons — ready to hit Pakistan. In response, Pakistan pointed 300,000 troops — and its own nuclear arsenal — at India.

It’s the closest the world has come to nuclear war since the Cuban Missile Crisis. (more…)

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The terms on which 150,000 American troops will remain in Iraq are none of your business.

The Bush Administration has yet to release an English version of the Status of Forces Agreement approved last week by Iraq’s parliament.

Agence France-Press:

But three officials in Washington said the administration of US President George W. Bush has withheld the official English translation of the agreement to suppress a public dispute with the Iraqis until after the parliamentary vote.

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It’s increasingly likely that the United States economy is falling into its deepest recession in a quarter-century.

Unemployment is rising. Retirement funds are dwindling. And one of the only sectors of the housing industry that’s doing well is locksmithing. When banks repossess homes after foreclosure, they have to put new locks on the doors.

Even members of the liberal media elite, such as myself, are starting to feel the pain.

I have downsized from venti to grande lattes. I’ll now drink whatever wine I have in the house, even if it isn’t ideally paired with the meal I’m eating. I may even start charging my new iPhone 3G at the office – just to shave a couple bucks off my home electricity bill each month. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Read the rest

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Thailand has a lot going for it. It’s high on my list of 1,001 places to visit before I die(t).

The people seem very kind. At least the ones I’ve met.

Its economy is dynamic.

The food is amazing.

And based on a Google search, Thai ladyboys are considered among the most attractive women with penises in the entire world.

(Read More)

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What’s next for the United States and Pakistan now that Musharraf is gone?

Last month, I took my first vacation from writing this column in seven years.

Before I left, I asked one favor of the cosmos: Don’t let any big-deal, easy-to-snark-about, world-affairs-type thingies happen while I’m away.

While I was gone, not only did Russia invade Georgia (the Stalin one, not the Rhett Butler one), but the United States and Iraq are negotiating major U.S. troop reductions and Pervez “The Perv” Musharraf quit Pakistan’s presidency under threat of impeachment.

Screw you, too, cosmos.

(Read the rest)

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Another mission accomplished.

The Washington Post reports today that the Bush Administration still isn’t helping the estimated 25,000 Iraqis who risked their lives to help the U.S. invasion and occupation force.

The State Department cannot resettle in the United States about 25,000 Iraqi interpreters and other refugees who worked for the U.S.-led coalition over the next two years because of limits on the number of applications that can be reviewed, according to Deputy Secretary of State John D. Negroponte.

In February, CL published the story of Ahmad Ali, a Sunni Arab Iraqi translator targeted by Shi’ite death squads. Ali escaped Iraq’s sectarian killing fields to start a new life in Doraville.

In the story, I noted that the U.S. accepted just 1,608 Iraqi refugees last year. Sweden, which is 1/33 the size of the United States, has managed to give refuge to more than 31,000 Iraqis since the U.S. invasion.

(Illustration by Jeremy Fuerst)

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