Fresh Loaf

Xi Lan. It means “Atlanta’s joy.”

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Jesus Christ, Georgia, this kind of stuff has to end. People are starting to think we’re apeshit crazy.

The two Georgia men who made national headlines last week with the claim they bagged Bigfoot were revealed today as hoaxsters. A California researcher says the “corpse” encased in ice and presented at a press conference melted to reveal a rubber gorilla costume.

From the Associated Press:

First, the hair sample was burned and “melted into a ball uncharacteristic of hair,” Kulls said in the posting.

The thawing process was sped up and the exposed head was found to be “unusually hollow in one small section.” An hour of thawing later and the feet were exposed – and they were found to be made of rubber.

Matt Whitton, an officer who has been on medical leave from the Clayton County Police Department, and Rick Dyer, a former Georgia corrections officer, announced the find in early July on YouTube videos and a Web site.

“Everyone who has talked down to us is going to eat their words,” Whitton said at the time.

And this gem:

Phone calls to Whitton and Dyer went unreturned on Tuesday. But the voicemail recording for their Bigfoot Tip Line – which proclaims they search for leprechauns and the Loch Ness monster – has been updated and announcing they’re also in search of “big cats and dinosaurs. If you see any of those, give us a call.”

You got it, guys, I’ll keep my eyes peeled. Whitton was fired from his job as a Clayton County police officer today after his bosses learned the We-Got-Bigfoot claim was a sham.

(Photo courtesy of monorails.org, of all places)

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To all those people who are giving up their dogs and cats due to economic hardship, fear not. An animal hospital for indigent pets and financially challenged owners opens next week in Chamblee.

The nonprofit WellPet Humane is a full-service clinic. Your dog or cat can get affordable vaccinations, wellness exams, dental care and flea/tick prevention, among other services, at a decent price. Now if only there was a comparable clinic for indigent humans …

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Reading the headlines today (aside from the one about the Braves’ inevitable loss) was a little bit like reading about a crime wave on the Island of Dr. Moreau.

The animals have turned on us. All of us. Even ex-American Idols. Sounds like a case for Marcus Livengood.

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Highly respected news organization The Onion has gripping video coverage of a tragic story we may soon face: An expectant panda, communicating through cutting-edge technology, tells the world in staccato bursts of honesty that a zoo life is not one she’d wish upon her offspring.

Officials at the zoo, which, in light of the revelation, has become a battleground for abortion rights and pro-life advocates, say they hope the panda will make the right choice. But they’re also fearful of what may transpire if they are hesitant to act.

Thank you, Onion, for opening our eyes to what will be our city’s darkest hour. That’ll be whenever Lun Lun, Yang Yang and Mei Lan get Internet access and discover the plight of their distant brethren, but you know what I mean.

Until then, we stand vigilant alongside the truth — may her blade of righteousness cut us all down to size.

Click here for the video and the heart-wrenching pleas the panda makes to her “human masters.” Click here to look at our cuddly creatures at Zoo Atlanta. We just wanna nuzzle their cute widdle nosies.

(Screenshot from The Onion)

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