Fresh Loaf

The Franklin folks have sent out a press release touting, “City Workers on the Job on Christmas.” As the release goes on to explain:

Workers from the departments of Watershed Management, Public Works, Aviation and Parks, Recreation and Cultural Affairs, as well as the Fire and Police Departments, will be on the job while their neighbors, friends and families celebrate the holidays.

Bummer. I’m sure the administration simply wants to assure taxpayers that the people who provide their city services aren’t slacking off over Christmas, but now I just feel guilty that these poor schmucks have to work tomorrow while I’m chillin’ at home with a snifter of Scotch-laced eggnog.

In fact, the more I think about it, I’m not certain that the real purpose of the release wasn’t to make us all feel guilty, that the hidden message wasn’t something like: “We’ve laid off nearly 1,000 employees and cut the salaries of the rest so that you can sit home on Christmas Day in Scotch-addled comfort. We hope you’re satisfied!”

Is it just us, or is City Hall kind of passive-aggressive?

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It’s the day after Christmas.

You’re burned out from family, bummed about receiving Sudoku books for presents, and feel awkward watching the family dog run around in holiday sweaters. So what do you do? Drink and dance! But with who? Why, fellow Atlantans, silly goose! Especially ones who blog, design and develop.

Creative Loafing, along with Peach Pundit, Tondee’s Tavern, Pecanne Log, Asian Cajuns and a host of other local blogs and web outfits, is sponsoring the 1st annual Unwrapped: Atlanta Web party on Dec. 26 at Vinyl. The party’s organizer is local blogger and web maestro Tessa Horehled — the woman behind music blog Drive A Faster Car and #atlgas.

Half of all proceeds will go toward the One Laptop Per Child, a nonprofit that hopes to provide the world’s poorest children with a computer and all the educational benefits it can offer. Tickets are $5 in advance and $10 at the door. (Visit Drive A Faster Car to purchase advance tickets.)

Drinks, dancing and music begins at 8 p.m. and lasts until 2 a.m. Horehled is DJing and Birdpony Photography will capture souls all evening. It’s a good idea and a good cause.

Parking and MARTA details follow after the jump.

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Beloved Atlanta performer Libby Whittemore brings her cabaret act — and loyal fan base — back to Actor’s Express for Ho Ho Home for the Holidays and A Connie Sue Day Christmas from Dec. 6-21. For years Whittemore honed the show with longtime music director Robert Strickland at the now closed club Libby’s, A Cabaret. A self-described “Christmas idiot,” Whittemore sings secular holiday standards in the first act, and in the second half takes the stage as her high-haired alter ego Connie Sue Day, “the 31st Lady of Country Music.” Here, she lists some of her essential Christmas songs from the show, in addition to “Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas.”

1. “Christmas Time is Here:” “In the first part of show I talk about when I was little and my family traditions, so I sing this from the TV special ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’ Every time you bring up memories from childhood, it’s funny. Every year I try to watch ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ and ‘Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer,’ and I definitely watch White Christmas.”

2. “Santa Baby:” “I don’t like any of the Christmas novelty songs, like ‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,’ except for ‘Santa Baby.’ Eartha Kitt definitely put her own stamp on it. I’m not trying to do a better version than her, I’m just trying to do it justice. It’s Eartha Kitt, for God’s sake.”

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One of these photos is this week’s “Hard Times Holiday Guide” Creative Loafing cover which hits the streets (and the web) Wednesday. Which one would you have picked? (Scroll down to vote)

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It’s up to us here at CL to get to the bottom of what may be the most brazen of government cover-ups, committed during the very time of year when the warmth of the holiday season should keep us all honest and aglow.

According to NORAD’s highly publicized surveillance program meant to not only track, but one day snipe Santa Claus out of his once-a-year playground of stars, the immortal fat man breezed entirely by Atlanta on Christmas Eve, opting to veer east on his flight up from Florida and then soar toward the North Carolina coast instead. The Department of Defense, in hoping to avoid a regionwide riot, placed a little gift icon over Atlanta to hoodwink us into thinking we received a visit from Santa and his reindeer-guided chariot of hope. The supersecret agency’s exclusive video footage of Santa’s movements, however, reveals otherwise (shown below). Leave it to NORAD, still reeling from a cyber attack by one of history’s greatest hacker masterminds, to foul this one up.

You can’t have it both ways, Uncle Sam. Be upfront with the American people. First it was all the cover-ups about visitors from other worlds. I can understand that, as that’s some heady stuff. Then there were the lies about flying cars — lies that you paid your cronies in the automobile industry to parrot for you. Not very cool, but granted, those things involve a responsibility we as a society aren’t ready to take on. But this man who lounges in the fast-melting Arctic all year, he keeps us waiting and behaving, and then … well, don’t cover for him, guys.

Evidence of Santa thumbing his nose at Atlanta shown below. Note the little feet of the reindeer. Sickening.

All jokes aside, how much money does this cutesy animation thing cost NORAD every year?

(Santa photo courtesy of NORAD Santa Tracker)

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My humbug cigar-chomping editor, after a long day of sealing donation envelopes to MoveOn.org and spit-shining his electric automobile, climbed out from under mounds of coal and the scalps of young journalists and shouted, “Wheatley! Write me a Christmas post, dammit! Something about snow, presents, good will toward men!” I, being new to the Atlanta area — and just really, really old — am still confused by this Christmas tradition you Southerners choose to celebrate. Nonetheless, I agreed. Since I know only a little about snow and nothing about presents, I thought I’d aim for the “good will toward men” part.

From everyone here at Creative Loafing, happy holidays to you and everyone in your life. Thanks for picking us up, visiting us online, and continuing to show that you give a damn about Atlanta. We wish you the very best holiday.

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Because zero-emission sleigh rides are for suckers, Santa Claus is getting all commando on us this year and will be arriving via helicopter in Sterling on the Lakes, a community in Flowery Branch on Dec. 8.

He touches down at 2:15 p.m. The World’s Oldest Aviator will then shuffle up to the clubhouse to hear what the kids want for Christmas and pose with frightened babies. Elves, according to a spokesman, will be present but will not ride on the helicopter. Parents will be on hand, filled with joy at seeing their kids’ delight over seeing the corpulent Gift Giving Man, and a dash of discomfort. Going on at the same time of Santa’s invasion will be carriage rides, cookie decorating, choir singin’ and a Christmas tree auction for charity. Santa will cap off the extravaganza by leaving in a car. Come out and witness the mystery of the holiday season!

(Photo courtesy of the U.S. Coast Guard, 8th District)

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(Photo credit: (c) 2003 Dimension Films)

Are you representative of the holidays in some way, shape or form? For CL’s upcoming Holiday Guide ‘07, we’re profiling six people who define the holiday season. We are looking for people who fit the following categories:

The Spiritual (Christian, Jewish, you name it), the Secular (not so religious), the Department-Store Santa (you know who you are), the Anti-Consumer (hey, no spender!), the Workhorse (moonlighting, are we?), the Lonely Heart (single, are we?)

And asking you these questions:

Why are you the way you are? What’s your ideal holiday meal? What’s the perfect gift to give or receive this season? Where are your holiday festivities/parties? What’s the best feel-good activity of the season for you?

If you’re interested and would like to participate, please e-mail me at adina.fleming@cln.com.

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