Fresh Loaf

After Iran’s nascent green revolution was forced from America’s collective consciousness by Gov. Mark Sanford’s public loss of virginity, Michael Jackson beating it, and Sarah Palin quitting to prove she’s no quitter, many of my friends were dismayed. Quite a few of them complained about how titillating news is always pushing important news out of the limelight.

For a long time, I thought obsessing on nonsense was a luxury enjoyed by prosperous, peaceful societies. Humans are born with enough mental capacity to hunt for food and fight off predators and rivals. Because our society is prosperous and orderly, I thought, we Americans can’t help but devote our unused mental capacity to stupid things like “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” OMG, have you seen Danielle’s sex tape? OMG, she’s so trashy!

Continue reading Don’t Panic!

(Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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Iranians have got a lot going on.

A typical day for an Iranian consists of: waking up; being oppressed by a fanatical, corrupt, incompetent regime; going to work (if they’re lucky enough to have a job); getting oppressed; spending time with family; running some errands; enjoying an “Ugly Betty” rerun; and maybe some more oppression before bed.

On June 12, the nation collectively carved time out of this hectic schedule to cast votes in a presidential election.

Don’t be mistaken: Iran is not a democracy. It’s a theocracy with many democratic characteristics.
The country’s real ruler is “Supreme Leader” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. He runs an unelected religious gang called the Guardian Council. They’re the government’s highest decision-making body. Among the Guardian Council’s powers: choosing who is allowed to run for public office.

It’s as if a committee consisting of a priest, a rabbi, a Protestant minister, an imam and David Copperfield had the power to strike U.S. political candidates from any ballot.

In other words, Iran’s election was fixed before the ballots were even printed. Fixed. Broken. Same thing.

But that’s not to say Iran’s elections are meaningless. As long as no one questions the primacy of the hats-n-beards on the Guardian Council, Iran actually allows free-ish political debate. Iran’s public political discourse is significantly more open than in the other large thugocracies of the Muslim Middle East, Egypt and Saudi Arabia (both of which are U.S. allies, by the way).

Massive pre-election rallies, as well as very long lines at polling places, strongly suggest the Iranian public is in the mood for change.

Any change will do at this point: change they need, change they can believe in, regime change, whatever. At this point, I’m sure a lot of them would settle for change for a dollar.

Why are so many Iranians eager to turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes?

Because by any objective measure, their current government is a disaster.

(more…)

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After President Obama’s Cairo speech, one of the more bizarre memes to emerge from the Magical Dungeon of Nonsensical Anti-Obama Talking Points was the notion that Obama’s words were somehow harshly critical of Israel.

The most popular criticism: Obama’s speech threw Israel “under the bus.” Michael Goldfarb of the Weekly Standard said it. Former Bush One Deputy Undersecretary of Defense Jed Babbin said it. Best-selling professional Muslim-hater Robert Spencer said it, too.

Google — or, if you prefer, Bing — the phrase “Obama threw Israel under the bus” and you’ll find countless examples. By countless, I mean there were a lot, but I didn’t count them.

Rush Limbaugh didn’t use “under the bus.” Instead, he said Obama’s speech “threw Israel over the cliff.”

I’m not sure if getting thrown over a cliff is supposed to be better or worse than getting thrown under a bus. I suppose it depends on what’s at the bottom of the cliff. If there’s a giant trampoline or a nude beach with exceptionally bouncy sand at the bottom, then maybe the cliff ain’t so bad.

If, however, there are dragons at the bottom of the cliff, or a freaky modern art installation consisting of thousands of upward-facing pitchforks, then I’m taking the under-the-bus option.

(Click here to read the rest of this column. If you don’t, an angel holding a puppy will spontaneously combust.)

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I had CNN on mute the other morning and saw something out of the corner of my eye about President Barack Obama speaking at Cairo University in Egypt about muslin.

I was only half paying attention, but it seemed like he went on for, like, a whole hour about how the U.S. has no quarrel with muslin in general, but only with violent muslin radicals who want to destroy America’s traditions — by which I assume he meant denim. I guess he did the speech in Cairo because Egypt is one of the world’s largest growers of cotton and is therefore a hotbed of muslin extremism.

I sure hope the muslin world isn’t too cloth-eared to accept Obama’s benevolent overture.

If you think the muslin/Muslim pun in the first three paragraphs is stupid, I don’t blame you. Rereading it now, I haven’t quite cottoned to it myself.

OK, I promise I’ll stop.

But punning muslin and Muslim is only slightly sillier than politicians and journalists suggesting over and over that the “Muslim world” constitutes a coherent grouping of people.

“Muslim world” is about as nonspecific as one can get. Targeting a speech to the “Muslim world” is like walking up to a podium and saying, “Greetings, Earthlings,” or “Welcome, my fellow vertebrates.”

(Read the rest)

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What does North Korea hope to gain by testing nuclear weapons?

On May 25, North Korea flipped a radioactive bird at President Barack Obama when it exploded a nuclear device in an underground facility in the northeast part of the country.

The test site was not far from the spot where, in 2006, North Korea exploded a similarly frightening gizmo, described at the time by the Bush administration as a “nookyullar” device. North Korea is thought to be the only country on Earth to possess both a nuclear and a nookyullar device.

You may have noticed I’m using the word device rather than weapon to describe these North Korean explosive thingies. That’s because I was just listening to Selig Harrison, former Washington Post Northeast Asia bureau chief and current head of the Center for International Policy’s Asia Program, speaking on my favorite news radio show, KCRW-FM’s “To The Point.” (Yes, that was a shameless attempt to earn a KCRW tote bag.)

Harrison says there’s no evidence to suggest North Korea has the technical know-how to fire a nuclear device at anyone. Exploding a weapon underground in what essentially is a laboratory is very different from miniaturizing a weapon and mounting it atop a missile.

I’m not saying don’t be scared of North Korea. I’m just saying you should know precisely what it is you might be scared of.

(Read the rest, please)

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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Aung San Suu Kyi

Aung San Suu Kyi, the astonishingly courageous and graceful Burmese democracy leader, has been re-imprisoned by Burma’s murderous military junta.

The junta has charged Suu Kyi with violating the terms of her house arrest after some guy from Missouri swam uninvited to her lakeside home.

Burmese democracy leaders say the junta is using the bizarre incident as an excuse to extend Suu Kyi’s house arrest through next year’s scheduled elections. Suu Kyi has spent 13 of the last 20 years in prison or under house arrest because she had the temerity to lead her party to victory in elections in Burma in 1990.

For more on Suu Kyi’s extraordinary heroism in opposition to brutality, click here. For more on the murderers who have imprisoned Suu Kyi, click here.

I also recommend visiting the The Burma Campaign UK for general information, including what you can do to pressure international leaders to help Suu Kyi and the Burmese people.

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Pakistan is collapsing into civil war, causing world leaders, pundits and assorted chickens, wusses, pussies and scaredy cats to start freaking out.

Why the freakness?

Outside observers are afraid the world is about to confront a nuclear nightmare. They’re afraid Pakistan’s super-violent, fundamentalist Taliban fighters might be able to get their hands on one of Pakistan’s nuclear weapons.

Is it possible?

Yes. It’s actually happened before.

In 1965, an organized crime group led by a man named Emilio Largo stole a French fighter jet loaded with two nuclear weapons.

Largo and his crew hid the weapons in an underwater cave in the Bahamas. Largo threatened to nuke Miami unless he received a sack of diamonds worth approximately $2 billion in today’s money.

Largo was on the brink of bombing Miami, but was thwarted at the last minute by a heroic British government employee who not only found the nukes, but also killed Largo and stole his mega-hot girlfriend…

Continue reading Don’t Panic

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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The casual savagery of life in Iraq never fails to shock me.

For example, Reuters reports that Iraq’s government plans to kill all of the country’s bores. They claim it’s part of an effort to fend off an outbreak of H1N1, the so-called swine flu.

I’m not sure if the mass murder of wallflowers, dullards and people who talk about work at dinner parties is going to stop the spread of flu. Even if it does work, it’s still barbaric.

OK, scratch that. I just reread my notes. They’re killing boars.

But still, violence in Iraq is shocking.

Last week, terrorists detonated three car bombs within minutes of each other on a commercial strip in Baghdad’s Sadr City neighborhood. Forty-one people were killed and at least 60 were injured. The bombs went off around 5 p.m., the area’s peak shopping time.

The bombing wasn’t an isolated incident. Violence against civilians in Iraq is once again surging.

Click here to read the rest of Don’t Panic

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• What the real fair tax looks like: President Obama wants to tighten tax regulations on money kept in off-shore accounts.
• Surprise, surprise: As a Democrat, Specter leads in home state poll.
• And lest we forget about it, swine flu CDC director says its too early to declare the problem under control… there are now close to a 1,000 cases worldwide, even though new ones seem to be leveling off.
• Remember, don’t take your eyes off the ball: Recent Taliban advances in Pakistan heighten the risk of the country’s nuclear arsenal being vulnerable to  infiltration.
• So it wasn’t a wardrobe malfunction after all: Supreme Court throws out ruling in favor of CBS in Janet Jackson boob-gate case.
• One way to avoid the “activist judges” charge once President Obama nominates someone to replace retiring Justice Souter: Don’t nominate a judge.

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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• The announcement that Supreme Court Justice David Souter is to retire gives President Obama his first crack at nominating a SCJ… don’t we all wanna be SCJs.
• So far, they’ve figured out that prompt medical care is essential in preventing death by swine flu… go figure.
• Meanwhile, the far-reaching effects of the panic: Continental cuts flights to Mexico by 50% on demand decline… which was instigated, at least in part, by Vice President Joe Biden’s desire to keep his family in a bunker.
• Upton Sinclair 2.0: “Modern factory farms have created a ‘perfect storm’ environment for powerful viruses“
• But let’s keep it in perspective: The real victims of the swine flu craze are all the other important news stories out there.
• Radio and advertising giant Clear Channel, which owns six radio stations in Atlanta, is inching closer to become the biggest default in the media industry.
• Alleged UGA shooter and former professor’s car found… but according to officials, “he’s not in it.”
• Did you see the one about church-going folks being more inclined to support torture?
• Content wants to be free: Disney joins the Hulu party.

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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>> As much as even mentioning the pig-related viral infection pains me, you should probably know that the World Health Organization has raised the “threat level” to pink 5. Whatever that means.

>> He said it! Waterboarding is torture. So there. And then Obama talked about all manner of key issues like Pakistan, why you should wash your hands, his stance on abortion and why he is not a Socialist.

>> Britain begins to pull out of Iraq after six years and the deaths of 179 servicemen. Seven hundred of its troops are moving into Afghanistan, though, with a date for a pull-out already set (2010). Amazing.

>> The word “unexpectedly” has been showing up in economy-related headlines with concerning frequency. Here’s a thought — stop guessing.

>> HUH?: Rihanna will get back $1.4 million worth of borrowed jewelry she was wearing the night of her alleged attack. Apparently, the prosecution was holding on to it for “evidence.”

>> If you cheer the “effectiveness” of torture certain interrogation policies, here’s an opinion from inside those torture interrogations — against it.

>> The UGA professor accused in the Athens, GA triple murder is one of “America’s Most Wanted.”

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• Don’t mean to cause a panic, but when is it OK to panic?… First U.S. death from swine flu confirmed… don’t panic yet, no cases in Georgia.
• U.S. economy in second straight quarter of steep decline… so is it OK now?
• Supreme Court to hear arguments from a small Texas district that is seeking to abolish Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act.
• Not sure about you, but Arlen Specter joining the Democratic party seems a bit gimmicky… as in advancing one’s political career gimmicky.
• What’s 5 grams nowadays: Justice department official wants the disparity between cocaine and crack-cocaine possession sentencing to end.
• Icing on the cake: Iran’s defense minister travels to Venezuela to meet with officials about strengthening military ties between the two nations.

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>> American-Iranian journalist convicted and jailed in Iran for suspicion of spying has begun a hunger strike she has vowed to continue until she is freed.

>> No, you’re not safe from swine flu if you don’t eat pork. Yes, you should be concerned (as in know enough about it to not think something ridiculous like the aforementioned) but don’t freak out.

>> GUBMENT AT WORK: But if the whole flu thing does hasten the apocalypse and you can’t get a vaccine, thank your GOP members of Congress for stripping flu pandemic funds from the stimulus bill.

>> Portfolio magazine folds as the latest victim in a string of recent magazine closings.

>> Fox is the only major network deciding not to air Obama’s “100th day” press conference Wednesday. The network says it’s a financial decision, not a political one. So, you can glean some knowledge about your country tomorrow at 8 p.m. or… you can go watch “Lie to Me.”

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• Seemingly overnight, the swine flu that originated in Mexico spread from person to person, eventually reaching the U.S. … meanwhile, CNN has a slew of answers to all things pig flu.
• And though the reported cases outside Mexico have been mild, the news of a possible global pandemic sent a jolt through the markets.
• Speaking of which:

• So much for jobs staying home: G.M. will shed 21,000 factory jobs by next year.
• Closer to home, apparently it’s not worth it to try and lure the smartest Georgia high-schoolers to go to college in Georgia: The Governor’s Scholarship Program was removed from this year’s budget at the recommendation of Gov. Sonny Perdue.
• Walking the walk: U.S. plans informal meetings with Cuba.
• Got them waiting: Minnesota still lacks a senator as the Coleman-Franken race has yet to be settled.
• WTF: According to Time Magazine online, the world’s most influential person is… the founder of 4chan.org??!?!

(Comic from xkcd.com/Creative Commons)

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• Ford beats estimates for losses… but still loses $1.4 billion.
• We don’t fucking torture: Democrats split on creating probe to investigate Bush-era torture allegations.
• But if they insist: Sean Hannity volunteers to be waterboarded and Keith Olberman volunteers to pay $1,000 a second to see it happen.
• And in case you still don’t know what it is:

• More blood shed in Iraq: Sixty people die in second day of suicide bombings.
• Be warned, soon your children will be used as energy cells for massive robot cities built under dark, cloudy skies: Artificial intelligence cracks a 4,000 year-old archeological mystery.
• And speaking of billions: Apple store hits 1 billion app downloads.

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Fox News anchor Shepard Smith said yesterday "We are AMERICA! We do not fucking torture!!"

>> WTF: First-time homebuyers and “investors” are setting off bidding wars on foreclosed homes. Something about that is just wrong.

>> Purchase of the morning-after pill by 17-year-olds has been approved by the FDA. As with any decision ever made in America, some people are ecstatic, some people are pissed.

>> SCARY: Taliban forces march ever-closer to the capital of nuclear-armed Pakistan, with the government seeming to offer little resistance.

>> China flexes its monetary muscles through loans to struggling countries like Jamaica.

>> WORD UP: The lone voice of sanity on Fox News, Shepard Smith, speaks: “I don’t give a rat’s ass if it helps. We are AMERICA! We do not fucking torture!!”

>> ‘Tis a mutiny, ARRRRGH: Pirate Bay lawyer calls for a retrial as judge presiding over the case belongs to a pro-copyright lobby group.

>> Top MySpace execs are on their way out. Does this mean new sign-ups for the site won’t be greeted by Tom as their first friend?

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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Hug a tree, it's EARTH DAY

>> The history of Mother Earth’s esteemed Day…

>> ECO-MIND: How not to celebrate Earth Day like Christmas. Be green (and jovial) all year long.

>> Former U.S police step into the violent fight between Mexican cops and drug cartels.

>> BACKPEDALING: The Brothers Castro can’t get their stories straight on what discussing “everything” with America actually entails.

>> SHOCKING: International Monetary Fund issues the most obvious statement of the year — we’re in a global recession.

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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>> Investigations into misuse of funds from the $700 billion corporate bailout are underway.

>> Stripping is a dangerous job but somebody’s got to do it. Kind of like Alaskan crab fishing.

>> As a species, we are witch-hunters. And this is why.

>> Meghan McCain is like totally smart and she has a tattoo and like gay friends and stuff.

>> Miss Coachella? So did we. But we can all live vicariously through these photos!

>> MISSING THE POINT: Cheney wants everyone to know that torture works. So why not use it all the time? Like on politicians who lie about government cover-ups and CEOs who try to hide money laundering? The possibilities are endless.

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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After I fix piracy, I will focus my energy on the most vicious terrorists of all: Canadian geese.

How can America stop Somalia’s sea pirates?

If Obama put me in charge of “Operation Hook-hands Into Plowshares,” here’s what I’d do:

1) First, stop referring to Somalia as a “failed state.” Many Somali pirates are teenage boys. We all know how moody and status-hungry teenagers can be. The low self-esteem associated with living in a failed state is clearly causing them to act out. Instead of calling Somalia failed, how about something nicer, like “differently successful”?

Read the rest

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• The CIA waterboarded two dudes 266 times and all they got was…
• OK, let’s agree on something: When Obama makes nice with people like Hugo Chavez, that’s a good thing.
• Gee, how’d they do that? Bank of America triples its profit for the first three months of 2009.
• Iran’s judiciary chief orders a “quick and fair” trial for Iranian-American journalist jailed on espionage charges by the Iranian government.
• Renowned documentary photographer Tomas van Houtryve entered North Korea by posing as a businessman looking to open a chocolate factory… he was able to take photographs and bring them back.
• Armed man takes Canadian airliner hostage in Montego Bay, Jamaica… situation is under control.
• This is not a prophecy: Oracle buys Sun.
• Good news for the summer driving season: Oil prices slump to one-month low… wait, what does “one-month low” really mean?
• WTF: Father of Slumdog Millionaire child star denies rumor that he tried to “sell” her.
• Parents just don’t understand: Study says one-in-10 video gaming youths could be addicted.
  (Photo by Joeff Davis)

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• Did the teabaggers protest the “harsh interrogation” tacticts outlined in the recently released Bush-CIA memos?… Did they?…
  

  Waterboarding demonstration

• Meanwhile: Disappointment grows that the Obama administration refuses to prosecute CIA over alleged torture.
• It’s like taking MARTA to a Tea Bagger party: Banks quit the bailout plan, while keeping other forms of federal lifelines.
• (Shameless plug, shameless: Check out Joeff Davis’ amazing pics from Atlanta’s very own Tea Bagger party.)
• The doors are opening: Cuban president Raul Castro says his country is ready to “discuss everything” with U.S.
• Watch them go: Slate puts together an animated time line showing where the jobs have evaporated. Spooky.
• Watch them line up to jump on the bandwagon: States to compete for high-speed rail funds… except Georgia, of course.
• Pirates of the other kind: The Pirate Bay is found GUILTY! (Nooooo…!)
• Don’t despair cyber-maties: YouTube strikes deal to feature legit movie clips and TV shows in a bid to compete with Hulu.
• And this means exactly… what?… Ashton Kutcher first to surpass 1,000,000 followers on Twitter… (hello corporate strategy!).

  (Photo by Joeff Davis)

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>> Thousands fill the streets for the tax protests. The streets that tax built.

>> DEATH OF THE MALLRATS?: One of the largest mall operators in the country files for bankruptcy, but according to the company’s prez its “operational model is sound.” Note to politicians, economists and corporate types — stop using the words “sound” and “fundamentals” in sentences.

>> School drug policy will be tested as a major case is brought before the U.S. Supreme Court today involving a 13-year-old strip searched for drugs by school administrators in 2003.

>> SPEND, DAMN YOU!: Americans financially unaffected by the recession are still cutting back, making economic decline a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

>> Black carbon gets out of control in third-world countries where scientists say 18 percent of the planet’s warming is coming from stoves. Seriously? The apocalypse will come at the hand of…soot?

More photos from the Atlanta Tea Party here

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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Sen. Al Franken?

• Even though Al Franken was declared the winner in the Minnesota Senate race (yes, that Senate race), Republican incumbent Norm Coleman is appealing to the State Supreme Court, ensuring the contest is extended until at least this Summer.
• It’s a good thing, right? Right?!: Consumer prices decline due to lower energy costs.
• Well this can’t be good: U.S. industrial production in March dropped more than forecast.
• There’s one every day: Somali pirates fail to comandeer another U.S.-manned ship.
• Happy Tax-defier day: Some people just don’t believe in paying taxes.
• They’re still around: Germany has sights on several alleged Nazi war criminals.
• Happy Teabagger day: Just don’t let that fringe right-wing extremist element co-opt your message… darn, too late.
• Milking that cash cow: AT&T wants to keep iPhone exclusivity (which is set to expire next year) until 2011; Apple is typically tight-lipped about their on-going negotiations.
• Obama meets the Dead

  (Photo by Joeff Davis)

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>> FAIL: Shiny-eyed economists get a dose of reality, um no the “recession” is not bottoming out. That’s just our salaries.

>> Obama administration lifts some of the embargoes against Cuba, allowing families and American information/business to travel to the island. Both sides of the political sphere get all pissy about it.

>> John McCain has no love for Sarah Palin.

>> SHOCKER: It wasn’t Marilyn Manson’s fault after all! Ten years of actual research into the tragedy begets the real details behind the Columbine shooters (and the shootings).

>> Jesus takes the wheel…um…cockpit? A “miracle” landing on Easter after a plane’s pilot dies 20 minutes into the flight.

>> ARGH!: Somali pirates don’t know when to quit. Four ships hijacked in the last two days.

>> This brings us to the best advice for pirates ever.

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• Captain of U.S.-manned ship held captive by pirates is finally rescued… amid debate whether to arm tanker crews, Somali pirates target U.S. politician in Mogadishu… meanwhile, U.S. officials considering attacking pirate land bases.
• And the successful rescue is being seen as the first “military” victory for the Obama administration.
• But speaking of pirates… is there another side to the story? Like about illegal fishing and nuclear waste dumping off the coast of Somalia?
• Happy Zombie GM Day: Fears of auto giant bankruptcy send its stocks tumbling down.
• Gearing up for a big fight: Private student lending industry moves to stop an attempt by the Obama administration to end a subsidized loan program and shift funds towards scholarships for needy students.
• The time is now: Latin American leaders to push Obama administration to end Cuban embargo.
• So the Obamas finally get their dog… and it’s a big deal that it wasn’t adopted (really?!).
• Ram it down their throats: Microsoft to push IE8 through Automatic Update.(Photo by Joeff Davis

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