Fresh Loaf

One month ago, I confessed on this blog to being consumed with violent anger for squirrels.

Squirrels ate all-but-one of the tomatoes I’d been growing on my patio since spring.

After my outburst, I gave up on my tomato plants and left town for a couple weeks on non-tomato-based business.

When I returned, I found new fruit sprouting on the plants.

Great. Wonderful. Hope.

I moved the plants away from the patio railing so the squirrels wouldn’t have as easy access as they did in July.

The fruit grew unmolested for three weeks.

Until last night.

Squirrels raided the patio during the past 24 hours. I counted 15 green tomatoes on the vine as recently as Tuesday.

We’re now down to three.

To make matters worse, the noxious little kleptomaniacal tree rats taunted me by leaving a half-eaten tomato on my patio railing.

Hate.

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This week, we’re doing a countdown to last week’s most widely read post. So … let’s start with No. 5, shall we? Fun!

5. Zell Miller: Obama should be restrained with ‘Gorilla Glue’ (Hey Zell, I think there’s a booth with your name on it at a certain bar referenced in post No. 1.)

(more…)

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The only tomato on my deck to escape the rotten motherf*cking glorified rodent thieves who live outside my house.

I try not to blog about my personal life, but I suspect that I’m not the only local victim of this heinous crime.

I have two tomato plants on my deck. One week ago, I had dozens of green tomatoes of various sizes and degrees of ripeness.

Today, I have none. Piece of sh*t squirrel motherf*ckers took them all.

I’m very angry. It’s accurate to say I’m consumed with hatred right now.

Ten years ago, I ran over a squirrel while driving on Ponce de Leon. I didn’t cry, but I felt bad – badly enough I started taking MARTA to work more often. I’m not kidding. I figured the less often I drove, the fewer animals I’d kill.

If I run over a squirrel today, or ever again, I’m going do a happy dance.

Consumed with hatred, I said.

UPDATE: For those of you who wish to protect your tomatoes without resorting to violence, the Memphis Commercial Appeal’s gardening columnist has some clever ideas. Thank you @willpuffer for the link)

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Excitement builds for Mike Huckabee's April visit to Atlanta.

Former presidential candidate and rodent chef Mike Huckabee will visit Atlanta next month to speak as part of the Urban Land Institute’s 2009 Spring Council Forum.

The former governor of Arkansas, who now hosts a bizarre television show on a comedy network, will be the event’s keynote speaker. Other notables scheduled to speak at the forum include Mayor Shirley Franklin, Charlie Rose and some guy I’ve never heard of but who looks very, very smart.

Jokes aside, ULI organizes thought-provoking events, and this forum’s schedule is worth a look if you’re a lover of urban environments. On the agenda are a variety of seminars and break-out sessions, as well as mobile sessions where attendees can learn about the Beltline, Atlantic Station and Buckhead. Thursday promises a presentation about the current economic crisis.

For more information, visit ULI’s event website. Any welcome gifts of sautéed teriyaki opossum will be immediately incinerated, so don’t even try it!

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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NPR’s Michelle Norris interviewed the Huckster on “All Things Considered” today. Not a single question or answer on squirrel munching.

I was gravely disappointed. MSNBC’s Scarborough did a much better job getting to the bottom of this topic.

SQUIRREL SHAME? Is Huckabee hiding his culinary roots?
(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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