Fresh Loaf

Creative Loafing’s newest columnist, Michael Alvear, aka the Sexorcist, comes to the aid of a girl in Stockdale about the eternal issue of condom-or-no-condom:

Dear Sexorcist:
Condoms sometimes make my boyfriend go limp the second he puts them on, so he’s insisting I go on the pill. I’m like, no way. Why should I take something that’s going to fuck up my hormones, make me gain weight and possibly put me at risk for cancer just because he can’t get used to a little rubber? He’s pissed off that we’re not having much sex and I’m resentful that all of the burden falls on me. On top of that, he thinks he’s being fair and balanced. How do we settle this?
— Stumped in Stockdale

Read how Alvear answers S.I.S. in his latest column.

No stranger to sticky subjects, Alvear will answer all your sex and relationship questions, which you can submit anonymously at clatl.com/sex. And meet the Sexorcist in person at CL’s Very Sexy Holiday Party at Halo Lounge this Friday! (Facebook invitation here)

Happy sexing!

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Who do you call for sex and dating advice? Creative Loafing’s newest columnist, Michael Alvear, aka the Sexorcist. We’re opening up the floor (and the bed, and the kitchen table) for all your inquiries — from the virginal to vampy, down-and-dirty to delicate, freak-nasty to fun-loving.

Submit anonymously at clatl.com/sex. The column starts Nov. 18. And you can meet the man himself at CL’s Very Sexy Holiday Party Nov. 20 at Halo.

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1. Hundreds of fish die in Piedmont Park’s Lake Clara Meer (Turns out it was more like thousands of fish that perished, reportedly from dissolved oxygen. Who knows what Sir Paul thought?)

2. AJC may abandon Marietta Street (Today we learned the paper’s new HQ will be in the action-packed ‘burbs come next June.)

3. Why I want a public option (Andisheh Nouraee clearly states why there needs to be an alternative to private health insurance.)

4. Columnist’s solution to gay sex in parks? Attack dogs. (Marietta Daily Journal resident curmudgeon enlightens us with his wonderful idea of how Marietta City Council should send gays “back to Atlanta where they belong.”)

5. Fulton, Forsyth ban chaining your dog (Beginning Sept. 4, dogs in Fulton County cannot be chained or tethered to a fixed object unless held by an attendant or by the owner.)

(Photo by Thomas Wheatley)

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Syndicated columnist and curmudgeon Dick Yarbrough offered a unique solution this weekend to curb public sex in two Cobb County parks well-known for cruising:

“With a little instruction, dogs could be taught to severely dislike the gay lovers in Burruss and Wildwood [Parks] and bite them in the fanny and do what City Council should have done years ago – chase them off to Atlanta where they belong. Assuming that works, we will then tell the canines that cell phone users are really just possums with bad attitudes. The dogs will take it from there and then maybe the rest of us can have a little peace and quiet in Glover Park.”

Wow, this column serves to raise, like, so many interesting questions. How would we train these hounds to “severely dislike the gay lovers?” And “chase them off to Atlanta where they belong?” Hmm, not too clear on what you mean by that, but OK! Another: Why is Dick Yarbrough paid to write this stuff?

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1. Atlanta’s doin’ it and lovin’ it, says Trojan study (We’re No. 1 in the nation for sexual satisfaction and No. 2 for frequency of sex. Yeah, right.)

2. Washington City Paper’s Marion Barry story = gold (Speaking of surprising sex stories, the City Paper’s doozie on former mayor Barry was such a hit it crashed the paper’s website. What do you expect from the headline: “He put me out in Denver ’cause I wouldn’t suck his dick”?)

3. Filthy Rich: Best of Atlanta 2009 kicks off today (There are 18 days left to vote for the city’s best bands, restaurants, galleries, music venues, artists, shops and cultural attractions.)

4. Peachtree Streetcar vision isn’t dead yet (But it ain’t exactly called desire.)

5. GDOT, Beltline strike deal on vital track segments (City now controls roughly half of the right of way along the Beltline’s 22-mile loop.)

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The City of Marietta, the bustling metropolis up I-75 where people are all pissed off about President Barack Obama shutting down fighter-jet production and big government hating on cigarette lovers, is once again tackling A.L. Burruss Park, a cloistered wooded area near Dobbins Air Force Base and Life University that’s well-known for “cruising.”

If you grew up in Marietta, like I did, you often heard about the police busts and TV news teams conducting “investigative reports” at the 46-acre park. Men would often drive to the park from around metro Atlanta, walk into the woods, and meet for casual or anonymous sex.

The Marietta Daily-Journal reports today that city government is now wondering what the hell to do with the place, where police have made as many 10 misdemeanor arrests in one month. There are talks of turning it into standalone greenspace or even closing it for several years to curtail the illegal activity.

(more…)

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Does "air sex" count in the survey?

The fine folks at Trojan — a pioneer in reservoir tip technology — have released their States of Pleasure survey, which helps explain why Atlanta is too busy to hate. Apparently, we’re spending much of our time doing the nasty.

Here’s a tidbit from the press release:

Americans rate their sexual satisfaction as only just above average (6.5 out of 10) according to findings from a new survey released today by the makers of Trojan condoms. While U.S. men and women report having sex 84 times a year, or seven times a month, 71 percent say they are always looking for ways to increase pleasure in the bedroom, with 60 percent agreeing pleasure aids such as vibrators or massagers could really spice up lovemaking.

Anyway, back to Atlanta. The survey suggests that the typical Atlantan gets more action — 88 times a year — than the national average of 84; and that, among residents of the nation’s 10 largest metropolitan areas, we enjoy it the most.

(more…)

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Shuttle dodges space trash…again

Shocking News: Depressed people have trouble enjoying positive experiences

Now that’s really funny Israeli army t-shirts

Iraq suicide bomber strikes funeral

Unmanned bombing missions considered successful despite civilian deaths

Dow Jones up close to 500 points

Internet considered better than sex

(Photo by Joeff Davis)

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1. MARTA mugging victim fights back … now on YouTube (Move over, Soulja Girl.)

2. ‘Battlestar Galactica’ fulfills its ‘Oath’ with latest episode (In times of economic distress such as these, it’s best to bury oneself in sci-fi fantasy.)

3. Tussle with Amtrak and GDOT could kill Beltline vision (How many more blows below the belt can the Beltline take?)

4. How Adult Swim’s Tim & Eric got so awesome (Embracing discomfort, irony and randomness)

5. Atlanta sex club stirs up trouble in D.C. (Pig sex, anyone?)

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• Too many shoe-throwing jokes over the weekend to try and crack another one this Monday morning. Let me just say we all felt surprised Bush was able to duck so quickly (on second thought, are we really that surprised?…). And because I know y’all can’t get enough, here’s an animated GIF of the whole thing (for you Reddit-dwelling trolls).
• Less money, more problems: States are running out on funds for jobless.
• Sex of the times: These darn kids, turns out, not only are they knocking on the backdoor more often than not, now it’s all about hooking-up to gauge their interest in dating. (It is 2008).
• Newspapers are saved! All hail Blago! We just need a corrupt governor in every state and the newspaper industry is back in business.
• A top Gwinnett Co. arts instructor says art is essential to academic success … so spend some time over at our revamped A&E Portal and let us know what you think.
• Braves all but dormant in Baseball’s Winter Meetings last week … now where do they go?
• Thieves prioritize: First the forklift, then the ATM.
• Turns out Google’s algorithm isn’t the only thing determining search results. They’ve got this new thing called “human eye-balls” curating searches.
• And speaking of the “Don’t Be Evil (but take over the world anyway)” search giant, they’re not too happy about a Wall-Street Journal story on their stance on Net Neutrality.
• Planning on going to the inauguration? DC is anticipating crowds that may cripple the transportation infrastructure.
• Scary: Diebold machines dropped votes in Ohio.

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From CraigsList’s “missed connections” post titled “Thanks for the bathroom fun in PUBLIX today – w4m – 30 (Acworth)”:

To the hottie Dad who left his basket of soup and crackers to come play with me in the bathroom.

That was hot as you know what. I have never ****** like that before.

Anytime you want to meet for a free cookie,,, I will be there.

They never would’ve let this happen at Food Lion.

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Wonkette reports Atlanta prostitute “Tori” is deploying to Baghdad next week.

Her mission: to offer “a quick reminder of home” to some of the war zone’s private contractors.

Tori describes herself as a “petite and mature provider” and a “bundle of sensuality” who will “excite your senses and ignite your passion.” The Erotic Review notes that her D-cup breast implants are “super nice.” Good to know.

To learn more about Tori, follow the links provided on the two pages I linked above. Be warned, none of them are appropriate for the office.

Unless you work in Tori’s office.

(Thank you Thomas Wheatley for the Wonkette link)

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I would say that 80 to 90 percent of the people here in North Georgia are against any sort of bill to help these people. I am certainly out of the mainstream here. I find no fault in these people, and wonder how my “Christian” neighbors can carry such bitterness in their hearts.

— Aging Hipster on a Washington Post story about how Gainesville and Hall County have dealt with the area’s growing Latino population. The article’s most painful quotation: “And they don’t seem to feel any discomfort when they’re, like, six inches from your face and talking to each other in their language, either.”

—–

an anonymous editor monday around midnight reported the death of chris benoit’s wife on the the wikipedia more than 14 hours before the bodies were found.

adding to the confusion, the post came from stamford, ct, which is home to the headquarters of benoit’s employer, the wwe.

— James at Metroblogging Atlanta is a little freaked out that a Wikipedia contributor wrote about the death of WWE wrestler Chris Benoit’s wife 14 hours before her body was found by police. I’m freaked out by Wikipedia because I still don’t have an entry.

—–

It’s always a special pleasure to stumble onto great artists from the past whose reputations have faded from cultural memory, but whose work remains to let us know that they, like us, were moved by sexual beauty.

— It’s Friday. That means Gloria Brame is posting erotic art.

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The Associated Press and USA Today just picked up the AJC’s April 2 story about the Atlanta Police Department’s War On Bathroom Sex. I blogged a little bit about it on April 3. In case you missed it, Atlanta cops are peering into toilets at the airport to catch people engaged in sexual activity.

Seeing the story again reminded me of a conversation I had two weeks ago with a Clayton County assistant solicitor whose office prosecutes public indecency offenses at the airport.

I got in touch with her after I tried and failed to get an Atlanta police officer to talk to me about the crackdown. Strange. You’d think that someone who’s been peering into bathroom stalls at the airport would have some stories they’d want to tell.

(more…)

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