Fresh Loaf

This morning, a top-secret vessel of some sort — probably a manned missile capable of completely destroying our freedoms — was spotted near the Gold Dome.

The pilots of these mobile weapons — weapons, mind you, that could cripple the United State’s robust automobile industry — are so proud of their mission that they now brazenly maneuver around the state Capitol. Fictitious sources say this stealth chariot of death was not an escape pod for Bernie Madoff, who was in the city this morning shooting a rap video at a prison before he enjoys a well-deserved vacation in North Carolina.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY

After the jump, the spy attempts to evade CL’s roving Homeland Security unit.

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Pakistan is collapsing into civil war, causing world leaders, pundits and assorted chickens, wusses, pussies and scaredy cats to start freaking out.

Why the freakness?

Outside observers are afraid the world is about to confront a nuclear nightmare. They’re afraid Pakistan’s super-violent, fundamentalist Taliban fighters might be able to get their hands on one of Pakistan’s nuclear weapons.

Is it possible?

Yes. It’s actually happened before.

In 1965, an organized crime group led by a man named Emilio Largo stole a French fighter jet loaded with two nuclear weapons.

Largo and his crew hid the weapons in an underwater cave in the Bahamas. Largo threatened to nuke Miami unless he received a sack of diamonds worth approximately $2 billion in today’s money.

Largo was on the brink of bombing Miami, but was thwarted at the last minute by a heroic British government employee who not only found the nukes, but also killed Largo and stole his mega-hot girlfriend…

Continue reading Don’t Panic

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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If Atlanta were unfortunate enough to be targeted by a nuclear bomb — or maybe got caught in the way of an asteroid — the results, as you can imagine, wouldn’t be pretty.

And the kind souls at CarlosLabs used the power of Google Maps to create a tool that lets you know just how far away you better be if you absolutely must navigate your way out of a mushroom cloud hellhole.

Visit the tool to see how many of history’s most famous atomic weapons would impact your friends and neighbors in Atlanta, or anywhere else around the world. Some screenshots of how the metro region would fare after a nuclear bomb and an asteroid’s impact are after the jump.

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