The Political Whore

Dear Penn-heads,

You have a lovely state there in the northeast. I’ve traveled through it many times and, aside from the large swatches of territory completely destroyed by 20th-century industry (Hello Pittsburgh!), the natural beauty Pennsylvaniaites gaze upon daily is inspiring. Plus, the preservation of a hole Ben Franklin used as a toilet when he lived in Philadelphia shows you have great reverence for history and the nation in which we live.

Tonight, Philadelphia plays host to another shit-filled bottomless pit when the Democratic presidential primary debate between Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and Sen. Hillary Clinton of Illinois Arkansas New York Scranton comes to town. This will be the 21st such meeting of the candidates. What you guys hope to glean about these two that you did not pick up on in the previous 20 debates is a mystery to me, but I admire your thoroughness.

Next Tuesday, you will take the knowledge acquired this evening to the polls and select the person you want to run against Republican John McCain in the fall. Like many votes, this one will be completely meaningless. Just to fill you in on what’s happened so far: Barack Obama has already won the nomination and no one wants to tell Hillary Clinton it’s over. He’s won twice as many states, building an insurmountable lead in both the popular vote and the pledged delegates in the process. So, the charade continues and the fine people of Pennsylvania are subjected to wall-to-wall campaign advertising, news reports and talking head rants.

You, great voter of Pennsylvania, have a rare and historic opportunity. You can end this soul-eating Bataan Death March of a primary season by rejecting Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and granting Barack Obama a surprise victory in your state. This is your moment to shine PA! If you don’t step up and send Hillary back to the Senate, Indiana’s just going to do it in three weeks anyway. Why let those Hoosier assholes steal your glory? Do the right thing and end the primary season. The nation will be forever in your debt.

Thank you,
Joe Bardi

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