The Political Whore

Today, Lord Vader finally declared Emperor Palpatine the winner in the race for Supreme Leader of the Galaxy, a heated campaign marked by vicious attack ads.

Palpatine defeated Rebel Alliance candidate Lando Calrissian, the Cloud City administrator who was considered a longshot by most pundits (all of whom claim Death Star II as their residence).

During his concession speech, Calrissian expressed disappointment and accused Palpatine of using Jedi mind tricks to secure votes.

When asked if this was the last chance to overthrow Imperial rule, a crestfallen Calrissian deferred to his campaign manager. “No,” responded Master Yoda. “There is another.”

Who could this new hope be? An anxious galaxy awaits …

Early results are in, and the race between Lando Carlissian and Emperor Palpatine is still too close to call. As expected, Calrissian (shown left, receiving an endorsement from reformed rogue Han Solo) has carried the planet Bespin, home of the mining colony Cloud City, as well as Tatooine, where the Hutts are desperate to hold on to their independence, fearful of interference in their lucrative smuggling operations. And thanks to the symbiotic cooperation of the underwater Gungans and surface-dwelling, peace-loving humans, Naboo has also gone for Lando.

Palpatine, for his part, has taken the volcanic planet of Mustafar and Geonosis, territories where Imperialist sympathies run high.

And while Obama has Ralph Nader as a potential spoiler here on Earth, Palpatine has had to contend with the renegade Cheney-Vader ticket. But despite some last-minute campaigning in heavily contested battleground planets, including Hoth and the Galactic Center of Coruscant, the pair has yet to draw any significant number of votes from the front-runner.

Far more damaging to Palpatine’s hopes to retain power have been a series of attack ads noting his remarkable resemblance to Joe Lieberman, who is looked upon very unfavorably throughout the Republic.

We’ll have election updates from the Dagobah system, Kashyyyk and the moon of Endor as soon as they come in. Stay tuned.